Skits
A Play by Robert Chauncey
Characters
Alex
Jonathan
Marcus
Mary
Veronica
The Cheering Scene: Take One
(curtains are closed and Mary
walks out into the center of the stage. She is wearing a cheerleading outfit
and holding pom poms )
Mary: Give me a T.
(Marcus runs out on from
offstage left)
Excuses
Marcus: (huffing and puffing) Mary, you’re on already. Oh
know, I must be late. I have a good reason though. You see, I was caught in
traffic…wait I don’t drive. Hold on.
Veronica: (running in from off stage right) I’m late, I’m
late. I know. You see, I had to finish up my homework. Yeah that’s it.
Marcus: Yeah well, my dog ate my homework and I had to do it all
over again.
Veronica: Well, I had to clone my dog in order to finish my science
project.
Marcus: The sun came up later than it should have, so my entire
biological clock was thrown out of whack.
Veronica: Gravity forced me to stay in bed longer.
Marcus: I was on my way here, when I stopped to smell some
flowers, when all of a sudden, a skunk came out and sprayed me, so I had to go
home and get the smell off of me. I took a dozen showers, and the audience is
lucky I did, because they probably would have left if I didn’t.
Veronica: Well, aliens abducted me from my room, and took me to
their spaceship. While I was there, they performed all kinds of experiments on
me, and then they flew to a couple of other galaxies picking up other subjects
for experiments. When they finally brought me back, it was 20 years in the
future, so they had to do some kind of time thingie to get me back to my own
time.
Marcus: You really expect everyone to believe that.
Veronica: Like they would believe your stupid skunk story.
Marcus: Well mine was better than yours.
Veronica: No it wasn’t.
Jonathan: (walking on stage from offstage left. He looks at
Marcus and then Veronica) What are you two doing here?
Marcus: We’re trying to tell the audience why we were late.
Jonathan: Late? We haven’t started yet.
Veronica: What?
Marcus: Great. That would be my luck.
Jonathan: No get back stage, and get ready.
Veronica: Alright, we’re going, we’re going.
(Veronica and Marcus walks
offstage left, leaving Jonathan and Mary)
Jonathan: Ladies and gentlemen…(sees Mary) Mary what are you
doing here?
Mary: I was giving my cheer.
Jonathan: No, not now. You don’t give your cheer until later.
Mary: But I want to do it now.
Jonathan: No, you do it later in the play.
Mary: Alright. (walks offstage right)
Jonathan: (turning toward the audience) Ladies and
gentlemen, thank you for coming to our play, Skits. We thoroughly
hope that you enjoy it. Right now, you are still alert and expecting great
things. That is good. (looks at watch) Two minutes into the show. So
far, so good. Well without further ado, on with the show.
2 + 2
Jonathan: (walks to the steps. Goes to steps and sits on
the top one) Don’t you hate it when you think you know it all and
then...BAM...something comes up and just makes you sit back and realize that
you don’t know quite everything. Well it happened to me with a certain problem
on my Trig homework. I remember it like it was yesterday.
Alex: (from offstage) It was yesterday.
Jonathan: (looking offstage and then back at the audience)
Oh yeah. That’s probably why I remember it so well then. Well anyway. We got
the assignment and being the excellent student that I am I started it right
away.
Alex: (from offstage) Liar.
Jonathan: Well, I started it that night at home.
Alex: (from offstage) *BUZZ* I’m sorry. Wrong answer.
Jonathan: (throwing his hands up in the air) Alright. I
waited till yesterday morning to start.
Alex: (from offstage) *DING DING* We have a winner.
Jonathan: (looking offstage) Don’t you have anything else
better to do?
Alex: (from offstage) Nope.
Jonathan: (standing up and running off stage)
Well...then...why...don’t you come out here and talk to everyone. (pulls
Alex out from offstage)
Alex: (looks worried) Umm...well...now that you
mentioned it...umm...I do have some homework that needs to be...umm...done. (darts
offstage)
Jonathan: That’s what I thought. Now where was I? Oh yes, I was
telling you about this problem. Well I was doing alright, until I hit number 13
and... (curtain opens to a frozen classroom setting. There are several
tables with chairs behind them. James is standing by one of the tables with his
hands in a giant black bookbag. Veronica is sitting at a table in the middle.
There is a textbook and notebook opened in front of her. She is leaned over the
notebook with a pen in her hand as if she is writing something. Jonathan moves
to one of the tables up front and sits down. There is a text book and sheet of
paper in front of him. The lights come up as soon as Jonathan sits down)
Whoa....
James: (looking up from his bookbag) What?
Jonathan: Problem 13 on the Trig homework.
James: Oh...
Jonathan: What do you mean “Oh”? You’re not going to help me out.
James: Nope, you’re on your own. I couldn’t figure it out
either.
Jonathan: Great...I actually have to think on my own.
James: I know. Don’t you hate it when that happens?
Jonathan: You’re being sarcastic...aren’t you?
James: No, of course not. (Marcus walks in from stage left.
He is carrying several books, all of the books have loose leaf notebook paper
sticking out of them. He puts his books on the table behind Jonathan) Here.
(hands him a sheet of paper)
Marcus: What’s this?
James: It’s last nights Trig homework.
Marcus: What? I am shocked with you. You think I would stoop so
low that I would actually copy someone else’s homework...(takes the paper)
Thanks. (sits down)
James: You’ll have to figure out 13 for yourself though. I
couldn’t figure it out.
Marcus: (looks up at James) What? (looks at Jonathan)
Jonathan: Don’t look at me. I couldn’t figure it out either.
Marcus: (stands up) How am I going to be able to figure
out a problem if one of the smartest people in the school...and...and...and
Jonathan can’t figure it out?
James: You’ll just have to make do.
Marcus: This is an outrage...this...this...this is
preposterous...this is...(looks back at Veronica) Mary, ole buddy, ole
pal.
Veronica: (looks up) Marcus, I’m in a different class...remember.
Marcus: Oh yeah. I’m doomed. (sits down and starts looking
over the paper James handed him) Hey, James, what language did you write
this in? I can’t understand any of it.
James: (walks over and looks at the paper in Marcus’s hand)
Umm...Marcus....(takes the paper and turns it around)
Marcus: Ummm...I knew that.
James: Sure.
Jonathan: (jumps up with the paper in his hand) I think I
have it.
Marcus: Really?
James: How?
Jonathan: Well, you see, first I used quantum mathematics to figure
out what the square root of “x” was. Then I took the square root and divided it
by pie cubed. Then I multiplied it by its lowest common denominator and then I
added them all together to get my answer. What do you think?
(Marcus and James look at each
other)
James: In other words, you still have absolutely no idea what
the answer is.
Jonathan: Yeah...I guess.
Veronica: (putting her books away and standing up) Well I
have to go to class now. I’ll see ya’ll later.
James: Bye.
Jonathan: Yeah, bye, Veronica.
Marcus: (James and Jonathan exchange looks and then look down
at Marcus who is looking over his paper. The both hit him upside the head with
a light slap.) What? (looks up and sees Mary leaving) Oh...bye
Veronica. (rubs the back of his head)
(Veronica exits off stage left)
James: Yeah, we better get out of here too. Mrs. Hudley’s class
will be coming in here soon.
(they all get there stuff
together and start walking off stage)
Jonathan: I just wish I had figured out that problem.
Marcus: Oh no the problem. I’m going to get that answer
wrong....and then I’m going to flunk out of math...and then I’ll probably flunk
out of school...and then I’ll be flipping burgers at some fast food place...and
then...(Jonathan and James look at each other and then hit Marcus upside the
head again. Jonathan and James exit offstage left) What’d I say? (shrugs
his shoulders and walks offstage left)
(Alex walks in from offstage
left as soon as Marcus walks offstage. He goes over to the table, and picks up
the piece of paper with the problem on it.)
Alex: (with his back to the audience) This problem is
easy. I don’t see why they had so much trouble with it. The answer is… (turns
to the audience) Oh, hi… (runs offstage left, and the curtains close
behind him)
Juliet
(The front stage lights come up
again as Veronica walks across stage in front of the curtain from stage left.
She stops center stage. All other lights go out except for a spot light on her.)
Veronica: (clears her throat)
Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
(pauses) From ancient
grudge. These people must not have been on each other’s Christmas List. (Marcus
sticks his head out from the curtains behind Veronica)
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life;
(Marcus starts to make faces
behind Veronica)
Whole misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their death bury their parents' strife.
The fearful passage of their death-mark'd love,
And the continuance of their parents' rage,
Which, but their children's end, nought could remove,
Is now the two hours' traffic of our stage;
The which if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.
(bows) Thank you...thank
you. (clears throat again)
Marcus: (laughs)
Veronica: (turns around) What are you doing here?
Marcus: Nothing, nothing at all.
Veronica: Well don’t mess me up.
Marcus: You need no help from me.
Veronica: That’s right…hey.
Marcus: Just go on with it already.
Veronica: Well alright.
'Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
(pauses) I don’t know if I
can go on. I mean what’s my motivation.
Marcus: (laughs) How about so you can hurry up and finish
so the audience doesn’t have to put up with you any more?
Veronica: If I wasn’t able to control my temper. You would be a
dead man, but seeing as I stay calm and cool. I can continue.
What's in a name?
Marcus: (interrupting) The letters N…A…M…and E.
Veronica: (ignoring Marcus)
that which we call
a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
Marcus: Not if we called it Veronica.
Veronica:
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.
Marcus: Are you done yet?
Veronica: No, I have one more scene to do.
Marcus: Well get on with it.
Veronica:
O happy dagger!
This is thy sheath;
(stabs herself with an imaginary dagger)
there rust, and let me die.
(collapses to the ground)
Marcus: (applauding) Yes, she’s done.
Veronica: (sitting up) That does it. You’re dead.
Marcus: Uh, oh. (disappears behind the curtain)
(Veronica runs behind the
curtain and offstage)
Alex: (as soon as Veronica exits, he enters from stage left.
He is carrying a big sign that has written on it “Marcus’s Guide to Humor.” He
walks to center stage where a spot light comes up on him. Looks offstage)
Do I have to do this?
Jonathan: (from offstage) Yes.
Alex: Why?
Jonathan: (from offstage) Because it’s your turn to be on
stage.
Alex: But I don’t want to be on stage.
Jonathan: (from offstage) Too late.
Alex: (looks out into the audience) Uh, uh...(starts
to walk off stage)
Jonathan: (comes out from offstage and stops Alex from walking
offstage. He pushes him back to center stage) Come on, Alex. It’s not that
hard. You just stand here, look out into the audience and say your lines.
Alex: See you do it so much better than me. You should do it. (tries
to hand Jonathan the sign)
Jonathan: (pushes the sign away) Alex!
Alex: But...
Jonathan: Alex!
Alex: OK...OK...
Jonathan: Good. (walks offstage left)
Alex: Ladies and Gentlemen, we’re proud to present another
episode of (holds up the sign that says “Marcus’s Guide to Humor”) Marcus’s
Guide to Humor. Now, ladies and gentlemen, here’s Marcus. (looks
offstage) Can I go now?
Jonathan: Yes.
Alex: Thank you. (the lights dim. He walks quickly offstage
left.)
Literal Humor
(The curtain opens up to an
empty stage with the exception of a chair. The lights come up.)
Marcus: (comes in from offstage left pushing a chalkboard on
wheels. He looks like he is exhausted. He stops the chalkboard on center stage.)
*SIGH* (he moves in front of the chalkboard) Welcome to another show,
folks. When you think of something funny, normally you think of jokes like “Why
did the chicken cross the road?” (James walks in from offstage right
carrying several large posters in his hand) However not everyone thinks of
humor in the same way. Take James here. (motions toward James)
James: (looks at the chalkboard strangely and then waves)
Hi.
Marcus: Now James has a highly developed sense of humor. You see
James specializes in something called literal humor, and today, we will show
you a little of what’s it all about. Are you ready, James?
James: Hold on one minute. (he puts the posters down and
then, with one hand moves the chalkboard off to stage right, out of his way, he
then goes back and picks up his posters) Alright, now I’m ready.
Marcus: (gives James the evil eye as James moves the
chalkboard out of the way) Alrighty then. To begin, will you please take a
seat?
James: (pulls out a sign that has “A SEAT” written on it)
No how about you take a seat? (hands him the sign)
Marcus: Cute, but please take a seat. (motions to the chair)
James: (screams) Alright. (snatches the sign
from Marcus)
Marcus: OK, but could you please lower your voice?
James: Sure, (pulls out a sign with “YOUR VOICE” written on
it. He then lowers it to the floor)
Marcus: Come on could you please cut it out.
James: (pulls out a sign with “IT” written on it. He then
rips it into two and throws the pieces in the air. He screams) There I cut
IT out.
Marcus: Please lower the volume.
James: (pulls out a sign with “THE VOLUME” and lowers it to
the floor. He screams again.) There.
Marcus: Shhhhhh.... (James holds up another sign with “IT” on
it. Marcus sees it and looks surprised) Hey, careful, James, this is a
family show. Now can we bring it to a close.
James: Yep. (pulls out a sign with “A CLOSE” written on it.
He puts it next to the sign with “IT” on it.) There, we just brought IT to
A CLOSE.
Marcus: Can we just drop it? (James lets go of the sign with
“IT” written on it) No, just shut up. (James pulls out a sign with
“SHUT” written on it. He then holds it up over his head) No...no...no...(looks
at his watch) *SIGH* Well it looks like that’s all the time we have for
today. Until next time, good bye. There, James, take that.
James: (hands Marcus a sign with “THAT” written on it)
No, Marcus, you take that. (the lights dim and curtain closes)
(Mary walks out on the front of
the stage in her cheerleading outfit and carrying pomp pomps)
Mary: Give me a T. Give me an H. Give me an…
James: (runs onstage) Wait.
Mary: But I’m doing my cheer.
James: But it’s not your turn.
Mary: When will it be my turn?
James: Later. Don’t worry, we won’t let you miss it.
Mary: Alright. (walks offstage, being followed by James)
The Lengths People Go To Get a Date
(Curtains
open. On the far stage right is a small stair case with three steps on it.
Marcus and Jonathan are sitting on the steps)
Marcus: You know something, Jonathan. I don’t remember a time
when I ever had a girlfriend dump me for somebody else.
Jonathan: (punching Marcus in the arm) Shut up, Marcus. No
the reason your girlfriends break up with you, IS because of you.
Marcus: (rubbing his arm where Jonathan punched him) Yeah,
well I still have a date for the prom, while you, my friend, do not.
Jonathan: That will be corrected fairly soon. There are plenty of
girls at this school I can ask.
Marcus: Yeah, but how many will actually go out with you.
Jonathan: Most of them.
Veronica: (walks across the stage starting from stage left. She
stops in center stage and looks from left to right with a frustrated look on
her face. She is wearing a baggy T-Shirt, blue jeans, and her hair is tucked
underneath a baseball cap. She has a backpack slung over her shoulder. She
walks over to the bench that Jonathan and Marcus are sitting on) Excuse me,
where’s the Office?
Marcus: Well, you could go that way. (pointing to the right)
Or that way. (pointing to the left) But you would be going the wrong
way, so you go back the way you came, take a left, and then make a right, and
then go straight for a few feet and you should be there.
Veronica: (looks back the way she came) But if I go that
way, I’ll be in the parking lot.
Marcus: Well if you’re not going to listen to directions, why do
you bother asking? (begins to laugh)
Veronica: (puts her hands on her hips) Thanks, guys. And I
use that term loosely. (she walks away offstage left)
Jonathan: What did you do that for? She seemed nice.
Marcus: What’s this?! (puts his hand over his heart, as if he
has been shot) Jonathan feels sympathy for someone. Man, what did you eat
for breakfast?
Jonathan: Who was that? I haven’t seen her around before.
Marcus: Who cares? She’s probably a newbie or something like
that. Did you see what she was wearing?
Jonathan: (nodding his head) Yeah. (he quickly stands and
runs offstage left)
Marcus: Hmmph...(shrugging his shoulders) Who knew? (stands
up and walks off stage right)
(Veronica comes from stage
left, looks behind her off stage left, as if someone is following her, and then
quickly walks off stage right.)
Jonathan: (walks in from stage left as soon as Veronica exits.
He stops center stage and looks both ways.) Which way did she go? (he
looks into the audience as if they are talking to him) That way. (pointing
toward stage right) Thanks. (walks off stage right)
Veronica: (walks in from stage right) Can you believe it?
This is only my first day here and already I’ve got someone trying to bug me. I
mean I’ve been bugged before, but usually it takes people a few days to start
to bug me.
Jonathan: (walks in from stage left He starts to sneak up on her
while she is talking. As soon as she stops, he taps her on the shoulder.)
Veronica: (as soon as Jonathan taps her on the shoulder, she
jumps and screams) Ahhhhhh!!!!
Jonathan: (jumps at her scream) Calm down, it’s only me.
Sorry about scaring you like that.
Veronica: (calms down) Yeah, I’m sure. You just followed me
to bug me some more, like your friend.
Jonathan: No, not really. I came to introduce myself. The name’s
Jonathan. (extends his hand)
Veronica: (shakes Jonathan’s index finger) The pleasure is
all yours I’m sure. (turns her back toward him and starts to walk away.)
Jonathan: (catching up with her.) Wait, don’t I even get to
know your name.
Veronica: (stops and turns around to him) Why do you want to
know my name...so it’s easier to make fun of me. So you don’t have to say,
hey... “Girl.”
Jonathan: No, I just want to know your name.
Veronica: My name is Benjamina...Benjamina Dover. Happy.
Jonathan: Benjamina...interesting name.
Veronica: Thanks, now I have to go...bye. (quickly walks off
stage right, giggling to herself)
Jonathan: Benjamina...Benjamina Dover...Ben...Ben Dover...(looks
stunned) Hey...wait-a-minute. (runs off stage right after Veronica. The
curtain closes.)
(curtains open. Mary walks on
stage from offstage left)
Mary: Give me a T. Give me an H. Give me an E.
Alex: (running on stage and stopping in the center. Ignores
Mary. He looks both ways and sighs loudly)
Jonathan: (from offstage right) Get him!
Alex: (looking offstage then to the audience, then starting
to run offstage left)
(Jonathan, James, and Veronica
run on stage following Alex offstage)
(Alex runs on from stage left,
and stops center stage looking both way again. He then jumps offstage, and
hides down front. Mary shrugs her shoulders and walks offstage)
(Jonathan and James runs in
from stage left, and stop center stage and look both ways.)
James: Where did he go?
Jonathan: I don’t know. Let’s check backstage again. (walks
offstage right with James)
Alex: (stands up and looks around, and then sighs) Whoa!
That was close.
(walks back on stage with James)
Jonathan: (seeing Alex in front of the stage, and pointing at
him) Look there he is. Let’s get him.
Alex: Uh! Oh! (runs down the aisle toward the door)
(Jonathan and James jump off
stage and start to run after Alex. Alex runs out the door, and as soon as he
does, Veronica runs in from the opposite door)
Veronica: (looking around) Which way did he go?
James: He went that away. (pointing toward the door)
(Veronica turns around and runs
out the door. James runs out the door. Jonathan stops and then turns around and
runs back onto stage. He jumps on stage, and stops center stage.)
Jonathan: (looking both ways waiting) I’ll get him this
time.
Alex: (runs on stage from stage right, but looking off stage)
I think I gave them the slip.
Jonathan: (stopping Alex center stage) Guess again.
Alex: (starting to mope) Drats!
Jonathan: (holding Alex in place) Alright say it.
Alex: Oh alright. Ladies and gentlemen, we now bring you this
public service announcement from Marcus. Alright, I said it, can I go now.
Jonathan: (starting to walk offstage right) Sure.
Alex: Good. (quickly runs offstage)
Why Me?
Marcus: (walks to center stage from stage right. Clears his
throat) WHY ME!!! (walks off stage left)
The End
(everyone comes from offstage
in a line. Alex is being dragged out by Marcus and Veronica)
Jonathan: Ladies and gentlemen, we are through with what we were
planning on doing. So I suppose that leaves only one thing left to do. It is
time to bring this play to the end. (James takes a sign that says This Play
on it and brings it next to a sign that says The End on it) Thank you, James.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for us to say goodbye, and doing so, I wish to
share a little theory of mine. To me, the
mark of a gentle, considerate person is that he or she listens attentively to
people with very limited knowledge without disrupting those people. Thank you
for being so considerate tonight. Goodnight. (everyone bows, then the lights
dim, and everyone walks offstage. Curtain closes)
(Mary
runs back on stage)
Mary: Wait, wait. I’m doing my chair if
it’s the last thing I do. Give me a T. Give me an H. Give me an E. Give me an
E. Give me an N. Give me a D. What’s that spell? THE END. (stops) Wait,
that was my cheer. That was stupid. I can’t believe they made me do that. (starts to walk offstage) All this trouble for
this. I can’t believe this. Oh well, that’s show biz, I guess. (walks
offstage left)
