Tuesday, 21 June 2005 - 4:37 PM EDT

Make sure that you let Matt know that if he comes back starting next week he’s going to have to start paying rent weather he has a job or not my mom wants rent money if he’s going to be staying down here he needs to make sure he has a way of paying it next Friday and every Friday that he’s here until he gets his own place. It's not that my mom has a problem with any of you all coming down, she doesn’t mind it but Russell and Joel had to pay rent even when they weren’t of age. And she feels that it should be know problem for him to give her rent if he’s wanting to better himself and try to be on his own. I’m hoping that this doesn’t cause any more problems between me and CJ cause I’m at my wits end here. It never has ever came to this point and I’m not wanting it to have to ever come to the point where he has to choose between Me or Matt. Because I love you all equally as well. But whenever Matt does decide to come back I just hope that Matt can pay attention and see if things are getting eerie and tension is building in the house again that he lets me and CJ have our time weather it mean go back to Radcliff for a bit, or go out somewhere. Because honestly with Kris moving down and everyone from Radcliff coming around it is changing the outcome on our relationship. Because its putting CJ back into his old ways. Today I have spent time with him and after talking until 3:00 in the morning we ended it with we’re going to give us one more shot. But honestly if it gets bad again I’m not going to deal with this mess again, frankly I’m not strong enough anymore to keep getting used, tore down, and hurt. I don’t deserve to be treated this way, nor does Devin deserve to be caught in the middle. I’m enjoying my time with CJ right now and my SPACE. Joel is gone also so I just feel so much less burdened, and peace with my family that I haven’t felt in about 2 months.