April Fools Pranks
Mood:  caffeinated
April Fool's Jokes

Call Mr. Lyon
We've all heard of--or tried--some form mr. lyon of this Bart Simpson-esque trick, but we got a chuckle out of this wild animal version nonetheless. To pull it off, simply leave your victim a convincing- sounding message (either on paper or on an answering machine) from a certain "Mr. Lyon," who has called about an urgent matter (a missed lunch date is good for extra laughs) and would like a return call as soon as possible. Mr. Lyon's number? The phone number for your local zoo.

Really Heavy Metal
Just superglue coins to the pavement. You'll need to find a spot that is both heavily trafficked and suitable for gluing; a front sidewalk or driveway works well, though you may need to clean the surface to get the coins to stick.

Model Parent
Loosely stuff the pants with crumpled newspaper or rolled towels. "Sit" the trousers in one of your kitchen chairs and use several pieces of packing tape to secure the seat of the pants in place. Or, you can thread the twine through the belt loops of the pants and tie them to the back of the chair. Position the chair with one side up against the kitchen table facing the doorway. Loosely stuff a pair of socks and fit them into Dad's shoes. Fit the tops of the socks into the pant legs and use tape to secure them to the inner material, if necessary. Fold in half a piece of poster board and tape a few open newspaper sheets to it so that the newspaper extends beyond the top of the poster board. Prop the board (newspaper facing out) on the mannequin's lap, pinning one corner between the chair and the table. Tape the lower part of the board to the chair.

The Sink Surprise
There are good reasons why this prank was cited by dozens of readers. It's harmless, extremely effective and a snap to pull off--in short, the quintessential April Fools' prank. The prankster need only find a rubber band, wait for a moment when the kitchen is empty, and then slip the rubber band over the sink sprayer handle so that it is stuck in the on position. Carefully aim the nozzle so that it sprays out--onto anybody who turns on the faucet.

Fake Lottery
Record an evening of TV on the night of the lottery drawing one week. Make sure to record the lottery drawing also. Buy lottery tickets for the following week drawings with the numbers drawn on the night you recorded it. Invite a friend over to watch TV that night (works better if you know they didn't watch TV the week before). Ask them to buy half your lottery ticket and you'll share the winnings 50/50. Play the tape instead of actually watching the programmed TV shows. When the lottery drawing is held (on your tape) have them hold the ticket and check the numbers. Watch their reaction.

Toilet Watcher
Here is a great joke to play on april fools day or any other time you have an opportunity. To prepare for this you need to take a video camera and record 5 or 10 minutes of video of the toilet in your bathroom. When you have a group of people at your house wait on someone to get up and go to the restrooom. While they are in the restroom play the video taped you prepared earlier and have everyone in the room start laughing hysterically. When that person comes back from the restroom, they will see everyone watching what looks to be a camera on the restroom and laughing hysterically........Then watch them blush.

Desktop Capture
Go to someones computer, do a "print screen" of their desktop. Paste it to a *.bmp and then save it in their settings as a background. They will try for hours to click on stuff that just ain't there!! Its great fun to watch. (I used to work as a PC tech and we used to do this to clients we hated)

Yummy Oreos
Fill oreos with toothpaste in the middle and give it to someone to eat.

Plastic Wrap
Get Plastic clear wrap....pick up the toilet seat...spread a large sheet of the plastic wrap over the tile of the toilet, then place seat back down.

Taped Phone
Put clear tape over the phone so that when it rings and someone picks it up, it will just keep ringing.

What You Don't Know
Mood:  d'oh
What You Don't Know

Ten facts around the world about girls.

#1. If girls were valued and given the same care as boys there would be at least another 100 million women in the world.

#2. In South Asia, Africa and Middle East, girls get much less education than boys.

#3. An unwanted girl baby may be killed at birth or allowed to die when she falls ill. In parts of Hunan Province China, 60% more girls die than boys

#4. Less food and care for girls leads to illness and stunted growth. Girls in Tunisia are twice as likely as boys to die of diarrhoeal infection

#5. Half the girls in Bahrain are married by the age of 15.

#6. In Java, girls spend 30% more hours per day working than boys

#7. Girls live longer than boys ? but in every other way their chances in life are worse, and worsen as they get older.

#8. In Jordan 100 girl infants die for every 85 boy deaths

#9. Girls as young as eight commonly go into domestic service in Nepal and Bangladesh

#10. A quarter of the 500,000 women who die in childbirth annually are teenage girls.

Stupid Questions
Mood:  lyrical
Stupid Questions

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse, carrying a corpse, drive in the car pool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why ARE Trix only for kids?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Quotes
Mood:  hug me
She smiles with all she has left
yet her tears are left undried,
though she has so much to say
she bottles it up inside.
If you look past her broken eyes
to a shadow no one sees,
a disguise so you wont recognize
[( That girl is really me )]


Closing my eyes,
I counted to ten.
This life was so much easier,
When we were just friends.


i think what
[M e S s e S]
up us most .. is that we all got this
[P i C t u R e _ P e R f e C t]
of the way things
[s H o u L d _ B e]


i should hate you yet i stay up late
just thinking about you


take my heart if you like the beat ;;
& you can have my lungs if it`s hard to breathe.


ur the peanut t0 my butter
ur the star to my burst - -»
ur the M to my M`s « - -
ur thE l[ p 0 p ]l t0 my tart
ur the milky t0 my way <3
ur the fruit to my loom . . .
ur the milk to my duds `*_
ur the cocoa t0 my puff`s
ur the icE t0o my cReam. .
ur the help t0 my mEnd- -»
l [ but mostly ] l
*ur the best to my friEnd*


cant nobody do them things we do
&& cant nobody touch me like u do
cant nobody love me like you do
&& cant nobody be like me and you


eventually, ONE of TWO things will happen ::
[+] he'll realize you`re worth it
[-] or you`ll realize he isn`t. . .

love is sorta like a rumor. everyone talks about it but no one really knows it. <3


They say before you die,
Your whole life flashes before you-
[mAkE iT wOrTh WaTcHiNg.]


never say that things cant get any worse
because life will prove you wrong..
dont think you can handle everything on your own
because no one is that strong..
after a while you get sick of caring
and your too hurt to fight..
sometimes no matter what you do
things will never be right..


Learn from ur past,move on grow stronger
people are fake, and your trust last longer
Do what u have to do, but always stay true
and never let anyone get the best of you..


when a person tells you
"you're not good enough"
thats when you know
that you are better.


Always Be Yourself, Because The People Who Mind Dont Matter, And The People Who Matter Dont Mind


guys are like drugs.
they either' kill you or give
you the most amazing feeling of your life



it`s f a r from perfect
it`s not even close.
it`s the ones that love you
that will hurt you the most


Don't put words in my mouth,
I've got plenty to say.
Don't tell me how to live my life,
I do things my way.


For All You Haters
-i gOt nOthin` but LOVE fOr yOu -
&& my two middle fingers
- i`m keepin` them up fOr yOu -


Don't Cry Because It's Over, Smile Because It Happened

Oxymorons
Mood:  chatty
Oxymorons

A rhetorical figure in which incongruous or contradictory terms are combined, as in a deafening silence and a mournful optimist.

1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Guest host
3. Mutually exclusive
4. First-strike defense
5. Department of Interior (responsible for everything outside ..???...)
6. Pretty ugly
7. A little big
8. Recently new
9. Severely killed
10. Union workers
11. Good grief
12. Friendly competitor
13. Honest Lawyer
14. Committed schedule
15. Clean hack
16. Violent Agreement
17. This page intentionally left blank
18. "Thank God I'm an Atheist"
19. Better than New
20. One Size Fits All
21. Tax Return
22. Constant change
23. Paperless Office
24. Rapid Transit
25. Freezer burn
26. Inside out
27. New classic
28. Soft rock
29. Definite maybe
30. Act naturally
31. Taped live
32. Found missing
33. 12-ounce pound cake
34. Plastic glasses
35. Advanced BASIC
36. Exact estimate
37. Extinct life
38. Same difference
39. Working vacation
40. Clearly misunderstood
41. Almost exactly
42. Tight slacks
43. Passive aggressive
44. Silent scream
45. Terribly pleased
46. Sweet sorrow
47. Small crowd
48. Synthetic natural gas
49. Genuine imitation
50. Airline Food
51. Political Science
52. Government Organization
53. Military Intelligence
54. Temporary Tax Increase
55. Rap Music
56. Peacekeeping Force
57. Microsoft Works
58. Childproof
59. Religious Tolerance
60. Christian Science
61. Native American
62. Evolutionary Theory
63. Business Ethics
64. Honest Politician
65. Born dead
66. Bit to big
67. Thinking out
68. Quiet loudspeaker
69. Wind Burn
70. Terribly Good
71. Terrific Head Ache
72. Resident alien
73. Sanitary landfill
74. Alone together
75. Legally drunk
76. Living dead
77. Butt head
78. Peace force
79. Army intelligence
80. Living dead
81. Heartfelt Politics
82. Cafeteria Food
83. Drawing a blank
84. Positively negative
85. Deafening silence
86. Mournful optimist
87. Good beating
88. Quiet riot
89. Simple calculus
90. Civil war
91. Brilliantly dull
92. Mild jalepeno
93. Realistic liberal
94. Silent screaming
95. Shouting whispers
96. Hell's angels
97. American beauty
98. Silent Women
99. The Peace War
100. Cat fish
101. Ethiopian Feast
102. Holy war
103. New and improved
104. Ghetto Punk
105. Good morning
106. Government assistance
107. A fine mess
108. Bittersweet
109. Peaceful war
110. Talkative mime
111. Tactical mass destruction
112. Sweet and sour sauce
113. Peaceful dragons (trust me on this one.)
114. Courage the Cowardly dog
115. Friendly fire (as in firearms)
116. Democratic dictatorship
117. Strangely normal
118. Little big horn
119. Plastic silverware
120. Lead astray
121. Cold sweat.
122. Metal wood (golf)
123. Waterproof washoff
124. Dry ice
125. Safe sex
126. Original copy
127. Cruel kindness
128. Laborious idleness
129. Industrial Action (usually means a strike) 130. Sweet tart
131. Icy hot
132. Real fake
133. Dull roar.
134. Loose tights.
135. Slow speed.
136. Non-fat cream.
137. Kosher ham.
138. Graduate student.
139. Virtual reality.
140. Constant variable.
141. Paid volunteer.
142. Science fiction.
143. Original copy.
144. Long shorts
145. Old news

How To Find Mr. Right
Mood:  bright
Find Mr. Right

A series of relationship problems.

#1. Desperate and Rejected.
I've had two bad experiences with guys in my 18 years of life. I feel that every guy is the same and that I will end up getting hurt again. I'm desperately trying to find MR.RIGHT, but it seems to be futile.
Is there really someone for everyone?

Advice...
Most guys don't want you to know, but?
Desperate girls are much easier to take advantage of. They're just so willing to do whatever it takes to get the guy and that gets them into more trouble.
The less desperate you are, the more slowly you can go. The more slowly you can go, the more you can stay in control. The more you can stay in control, the easier you can find something genuine. And you can tell who wants to play you and who wants to stay with you. Regardless, expect some bad experiences (they're unavoidable), but expect good experiences, too. And to answer the other question, I think there is more than one person for everyone. All you need is one good one.

#2. Pretty young lady doesn't want sex.
I'm a pretty young lady who doesn't want to have sex, for reasons I don't understand myself. Everyone I tell thinks there's something wrong with me. They all try to "break me" of it. I feel horrible about dating people, because I don't offer that and that's what they want. I hate to disappoint them. I don't see the point in dating at all anymore. But I get so horribly lonely because I have no close friends here. I'm just a nice, platonic person. Help me, please.

Advice...
I can imagine your singles ad: "Pretty SF who will not have sex with you. I will never have the desire to have sex with you. If you're looking for sex now or later, I'm not offering. Even if we get married, I still won't have sex with you. I could be your friend, but you'll probably just want sex and get disappointed. Forget it. Don't call me." The idea of not wanting sex isn't the problem. It's your not understanding why. That some women have little or no sex drive isn't something new (and there are men with little or no sex drive, too). You're not alone here. If you were, the pharmaceutical companies wouldn't be spending millions of dollars developing new treatments. There's no shame. The answer could be something hormonal, medical or psychological. Start with your family doctor or gynecologist and go from there. Once you understand why you feel this way, you won't have to shy away from life. The shame will disappear. And you might even find that you can be turned on. You just have to first figure out your sexual wiring.

#3. Cheating husband does it again.
I have been with my husband for almost 10 years now. A couple of months ago I caught him on the phone with another woman. I then found out (after dragging it out of him) that he slept with her (she is his co-worker). I've not been able to stop thinking about it since. Every minute of every day, I wonder what he is doing and who he is with. I am going crazy. He has done it once before, but we were separated. He swore it would never happen again. Please help me. I love him with all my heart, but I do not trust him. Why can't I just let it go?

Advice...
He's averaging two cheats every 10 years. If you make it to your 50th anniversary, expect about 10 affairs -- that is, if he doesn't leave you for one of them.
Look at it this way: You love him with all your heart, but you can probably find someone else to love (with all your heart) who won't cheat on you. Consider couples' counseling. Set up your life so you're not so dependent on him. And then explore your options.

#4. Two kisses is two many when cheating on g/f.
I have an incredibly close relationship with my girlfriend. We are both 18 and have been dating for two years. We've been through so much together. I seriously think we will get married. By the way, I have pretty severe ADD (attention deficit disorder).
Two weeks ago, I was talking to one of my friends, who is hot. Many guys would like to get with her. Suddenly, she leans over and starts kissing me. My mind was racing almost as fast as my heart was beating. Thankfully things did not go any further, but it took me way too long to concentrate enough to get out of the situation.
Two days later, I experienced a complete lapse of reasoning, and it happened again. She admitted that she only wanted my body. After that, the girl and I agreed to never speak of it and to avoid each other. I do not know if I should tell my girlfriend. I know that if it only happened once she would understand, but two times?
I really do not know why I allowed myself to be alone with the girl a second time when I knew she wanted me. I've never cheated on my girlfriend before and never will again. It is the worst feeling I have ever had. My girlfriend cheated on me two months after we started going out, and I found out about it a year later, but we worked through it. I am sure that if I tell my girlfriend, we will break up. We are always honest with each other, but I am hesitant to tell her. What should I do?

Advice...
You kissed her back and kept kissing her. And then you did it again. It's not ADD. It's just BAD.
The biggest problem with asking me is that I'm not one who is good at keeping these kinds of secrets from someone that I love. For example, every time I'm eating a romantic Italian dinner with my girlfriend I'd be thinking: "You're pretty. I'm a cheater. This bread is amazing. I'm a cheater." I couldn't enjoy her or the bread.
The bigger issue is why -- and why twice? I think that you're overestimating the good in this relationship. So far, your only solution to avoid cheating is to avoid being in the same room with the hot girl. You're just avoiding the truth. And the truth is, it might not be time for a committed relationship. Think about taking a break, at least until you can be in the same room with other hot girls and not make out with them -- not even once.

#5. 13, sexually active, afraid to tell mom.
I'm having some difficulty talking to my mom about sex and birth control. I feel maybe I wouldn't worry so much if I were older. But I'm 13, not a virgin, and recently had a pregnancy scare. I don't want to bring it up to her, because I'm scared of what she might say or do. My friends tell me that they just came right out and told their parents, and they didn't react. I highly doubt this would be the case with my mom.
I really want birth control, because I am sexually active and I don't want a kid. Please tell me how to bring it up with my mom.

Advice...
If you're just looking to use birth-control pills, they can keep you from getting pregnant, but they can't keep you from exposure to herpes, genital warts, chlamydia, syphilis, HIV, other STDs or that flood of emotions that comes along with having sex so young.
Please, talk to your mom. And do it soon. If you're old enough to have sex, then you should be old enough to talk to her about it. Know that your mom was once a 13-year-old girl. But also, respect that she's also been 16, 23 and (I hope) at least 30. And that's where she has more insight and experience into this whole sex thing.
Talk to your mom. Tell her all the events leading up to you having this conversation with her. Whatever her reaction, understand that it's not about her trying to ruin your life. She understands the situation far better than you can possibly imagine. Whatever her reaction, know that she loves you, and she only wants to help.
One final thought, you wouldn't need to talk to your mom about birth control so soon if you stopped having sex. Really, the fact that it's this hard to talk to her should speak louder than any words she could say.

Laws Of Women
Mood:  irritated
Laws Of Women

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man - look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

What Men Should Know About Us Girls
Mood:  mischievious
Know About Girls

1. Don't ever lie to us; we always find out.

2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.

3. Don't say you understand when you don't.

4. Girls are pretty, but yours is ALWAYS the Prettiest!

5. You don't have PMS; don't fuckin act like you know what it's like.

6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.

7. If you talk about having a Big Dick; we know you don't.

8. Size does matter, but only to hoes; not girls that want real relationships.

9. We don't like it when you act like Mr. Big.

10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys not us.

11. No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a hoe.

12. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.

13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't,apologize.

14. Be spontaneous; dinner and a movie won't always cut it.

15. We are self-conscious by nature; we can't help it.

16. We are Drama queens.

17. Fashion police do exist.

18. Don't ask us to give u head; if you are nice you just might get it.

19. We absolutely DO NOT care about monster trucks, car systems, paintball, or anything else you and your friends talk about... in other words shut the fuck up.

20. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.

21. We don't shave our legs everyday so get over it.

22. Don't make bets about us; we will always find out.

23. Shave; no matter how cool you think your goatee or beard or mustache looks, we always hate it.

24. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emitt other strange gases from your body, it isnt, so DONT.

25. Don't compare our breasts with Pamela Anderson's; hers are fake, just remember that. ( u have a better shot at ours than you ever will with hers, you may as well give it up now)

26. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.

27. We are beautiful at all times.

28. We will always think we are fat, so humor us and tell us we aren't.

29. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick, so why the hell can't you piss in the toilet and not on it.

30. Most importantly: we are always right; so don't forget it.

Girl Poem
Mood:  don't ask
Girl Poem

I shave my legs, I sit down to pee. And I can justify any shopping spree.
Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon. I can get a massage without a hard-on.
I can balance the checkbook, I can pump my own gas. Can talk to my friends, about the size of my ass.
My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long. At least I can admit, to others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles, at any cost. And I don't have a problem, admitting I'm lost.
I never forget, an important date. You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late.
I don't watch movies, with lots of gore. Don't need instant replay, to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair, I don't get jock itch. And just cause I'm assertive, Don't call me a bitch.
Don't say to your friends, Oh yeah, I can get her. In your dreams, my dear, I can do better!
Flowers are okay, But jewelry's best. Look at me you idiot... Not at my chest????
I don't have a problem, With Expressing my feelings. I know when you're lying, You look at the ceiling.
DON'T call me a GIRL , a BABE or a CHICK . I am a WOMAN. Get it?, you DICK!?!

Flirting
Mood:  flirty
-*-*-*ToTaL SiGnS oF fLiRtInG*-*-*-

*~*Guys*~*

1. She makes eye contact and smiles at you.

2. She hits you softly on the arm and laughs when you say something funny.

3. She flips her hair when she's talking to you.

4. She touches your arm when she talks to you.

5. She says, "No, I'm not telling you who I like!" with a big smile on her face

6. She asks you who you like or who you would go out with seemingly interested.

7. When you go to the movies with a bunch of your friends and she is almost always next to you.

8. She criticizes you on a girl you like.

9. You catch her staring at you.

10. She plays with your hair or tries to put make up on you.

11. Her friends outside of school and in school know about you, and says she talks about you a lot.

12. She knows your phone number and address.

13. She will try and talk, and spend time with you as much as possible


*~*Girls*~*

1. He stares at you a lot.

2. He hits you a lot. (just play hitting )

3. He uses the first thing that pops into his head to start a conversation with you

4. He yelled, "Hi!", to your mom that day she picked you up from school.

5. He blew off his buds to go see "Run Away Bride" with you cuz you
couldn't get another girl pal to go and didn't want to go alone.

6. He tries to make you laugh anyway even if he gets hurt in the process

7. His voice gets softer ("Hey, you") when ever you two talk.

8. You hung up on him. He called you back.

9. You where invited by him to a group outing.

10. He called you to talk about nothing at all.

11. He imitates your laugh. OK, you do snort sometimes. Which makes you
laugh even harder.

12. He remembers little things you mention in casual conversation.

13. He sometimes stares straight into your eyes.

14. He every possible way to touch you (your hair, face, ass, thighs, ect.)