Stupid Shit
Mood:  a-ok
This is me Kaeli. I am a high school student. I play the flute bassoon, and I also sing!!!!

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31.33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?


1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?

6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

10. You! Off my planet!

11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

17. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

24. Adults are just kids who owe money.

25. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

29. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

30. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

31. Earth is full. Go home.

32. Is it time for your medication or mine?

33. Does this condom make me look fat?

34. I plead contemporary insanity.

35. And which dwarf are you?

36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. Meandering to a different drummer.

39. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.Que la espera empieze

40. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?





Clean, Clean, Clean

What do you call a clean idiot?

Soap on a dope!



Crooked Teeth

Your teeth are so crooked that when you smile, your teeth throw me gang signs

few clowns short of a circus.  
* A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
* An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
* A few beers short of a six-pack.
* Dumber than a box of hair.
* A few peas short of a casserole.
* Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
* The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
* One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
* One taco short of a combination plate.
* A few feathers short of a whole duck.
* All foam, no beer.
* The cheese slid off her cracker.
* Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
* Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
* He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
* An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
* As smart as bait.
* Chimney's clogged.
* Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
* Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
* Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
* Forgot to pay her brain bill.
* Her sewing machine's out of thread.
* His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
* His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
* If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
* Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
* No grain in the silo.
* Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
* Receiver is off the hook.
* Several nuts short of a full pouch.
* Skylight leaks a little.
* Slinky's kinked.
* Surfing in Nebraska.
* Too much yardage between the goal posts.
* Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
* The lights are on, but nobody's home.
* 24 cents short of a quarter.



If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport

You're so fat that once you bent over and a couch and three chairs came out
 stitches


You’re asking me where the exercise room is??

There are three things that are sure. You're going to pay taxes, you're going to die, and I'm going to change the lines.

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.



My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.

"Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog

"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?"
Denis Leary.
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
Oscar Wilde.
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
Groucho Marx.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
Brooke Shields (during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign).
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
Humprey Bogart.
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
Joe E Lewis.
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
Ernest Hemmingway.
"He was a wise man who invented beer."
Plato.
"I can resist everything except temptation."
Oscar Wilde.
"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."
Mark Twain.

"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time."
Catherine Zandonella.
"If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs."
David Daye.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry.
"People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot."
Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI.
"I drink to make other people interesting."
George Jean Nathan.
"They who drink beer will think beer."
Washington Irving.
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
Ernest Hemingway (For Whom the Bell Tolls).
"I'm not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop."
Noel Coward.
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
Dave Barry.
"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."
Mark Twain.
"I drink therefore I am."
WC Fields.
"An alcoholic is anyone you don't like who drinks more than you do."
Dylan Thomas.
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
Hunter S Thompson.
"Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol."
NF Simpson.
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"
Henry Youngman.

"Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money."
Robin Williams.
"I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal labotomy."
Fred Allen.
"I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up."
Dean Martin.

Send These Funny Quotes to a Friend

"I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry."
Robert Benchley.
"He once had his toes amputated so he could stand closer to the bar."
Mike Harding.
"I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine."
HL Mencken.
"I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something."
George Burns.
"I don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example."
Mick Miller.
"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."
Rodney Dangerfield.
"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."
Robin Williams.
"Prohibition is better than no liquor at all."
Will Rogers.
"Real ale fans are just like train-spotters, only drunk."
Christopher Howse.
"I am a drinker with writing problems."
Brendan Behan.

"The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a street dealer followed me down the sidewalk going: I got some great blow man. I got the stuff that killed Belushi."
Denis Leary.
"I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep."
George best.
"I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now."
Bill Hicks.
"I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping."
Mark Twain.
"What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others."
Diogenes.
"If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon."
WC Fields.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day."
Dean Martin.
"The difference between a drunk and a alcoholic is that a drunk doesn't have to attend all those meetings."
Arthur Lewis.
"A tavern is a place where madness is sold by the bottle."
Jonathan Swift.
"The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a beer bottle, they're on TV."
Homer Simpson.

"Until one has loved an animal,  a part of one's soul remains unawakened." ~ Anatole France

"My little dog -- a heartbeat at my feet." ~ Edith Wharton

"I think I could turn and live with animals, they are
so placid and self-contained,
I stand and look at them long and long." ~ Walt Whitman

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." ~ Ben Williams

"A dog maybe a man's best friend but a horse made history..." ~ Anonymous

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be;
Unless my cats are there to welcome me." ~ Anonymous

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that is how dogs spend their lives." ~ Sue Murphy

"To err is human, to forgive, canine" ~ Anonymous

"To err is human, to purr, feline" ~ Robert Byrne

"There's no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat." ~ Wesley Bates

"Who can believe that there is no soul behind those luminous eyes!" ~ Theophile Gautier

"A horse gallops with his lungs,
Perseveres with his heart,
And wins with his character." ~ Tesio

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" ~ Dave Barry

"There is nothing in which the birds differ more from man than the way in which they can build and yet leave a landscape as it was before."  ~ Robert Lynd

"The dog was created especially for children. He is the God of frolic." ~ Henry Ward Beecher

"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole." ~ Roger Caras

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." ~ Anonymous

"A dog is the only thing on earth that will love you more than you love yourself." ~ Josh Billings

"If I have any beliefs about immortality it is that certain dogs I know will go to heaven, and very very few people." ~ James Thurber

"A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg." ~ Samuel Butler

"I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." ~ Hippolyte Taine

"Every boy should have two things: a dog, and a mother willing to let him have one" ~ Anonymous

"We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~ Immanual Kant

"A dog has lots of friends because he wags his tail and not his tongue." ~ Anonymous

"The dog represents all that is best in man." ~ Etienne Charlet

"A canter is the cure for all evil." ~ Benjamin Disraeli

"Dogs have owners, cats have staff." ~ Anonymous

"The Cat. He walked by himself, and all places were alike to him." ~ Rudyard Kipling

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." ~ Ann Landers

"In the beginning, God created man, but seeing him so feeble, He gave him the cat" ~ Warren Eckstein

"The bird of paradise alights only upon the hand that does not grasp." ~ John Berry

"And God took a handful of southernly wind, blew His breath over it and created the horse." ~ Bedouin Legend

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." ~ Andrew A. Rooney

"A bird does not sing because it has an answer.  It sings because it has a song." ~ Chinese Proverb

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." ~ Mary Bly

"Animals are such agreeable friends - they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms." ~ George Elliot

"The Trouble with a kitten is
That
Eventually it becomes a
Cat"
~ Ogden Nash

"The greatest pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself, too." ~ Samuel Butler

"A Horse! A Horse! my kingdom for a horse!" ~ Shakespeare

"To err is human, to purr is feline." ~ Robert Byrne

"If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because you lap is warmer." ~ Alfred North Whitehead

"...he will be our friend for always and always and always." ~ Rudyard Kipling

"The best thing about animals is that they don't talk much." ~ Thornton Wilder

"When I play with my cat, who knows whether she is not amusing herself with me more than I with her." ~ Montaigne

"An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language." ~ Martin Buber







My Song