Home Shopping with Orgy

by

JAY: Hi all you mother f- and welcome to uh, what does that say?(squints) bobby quit f- around with the que cards

BOBBY: I'm sorry jay please don't kick me out of the band

RYAN: dude you said f- on tv hehe he AMIRr: ok you guys quit screwing up and let's

JAY: ok, any way, welcome to the home shopping show type thing

RYAN: I thought we were doing a cooking show

AMIR: Ryan no, we're doing a home sho-p-ing sh-ow (says slowly) can you say home sh-o-p-ing sh-ow?

RYAN: ho (pause) m Sh sh-o-ping sh sh-ow

AMIR: good boy here's your reward(pulls a dog biscut from his pocket and gives it to ryan)

JAY: so what are we selling any way?

AMIR: I thought you knew(patting ry's head)

RYAN: this one time i sold an empty beer can to a homeless guy for like a dollar

JAY: are you done being a moron?

RYAN: what's a moron?

AMIR: it's what you are

RYAN: oh, ok

AMIR: what are we gonna do??? (freaking out) we have nothing to sell!!!

JAY: let's sell that(points to his left)

RYAN: what the hell is that?

JAY: it's uh, a um, an animatronic shoe (puts paige's cat on the counter)

PAIGE: wait a minute that's mr whiskers! (says in a hurt voice)

AMIR: paige, how many times must we tell you? your job is to run the camera not dictate what we sell

RYAN: what's dictate mean?

AMIR: it means to um, love something

RYAN: what? you wanna take this outside b****?

JAY: Ryan shut the f- up

RYAN: you said f- again heh heh, wait what did you say about my mom? (amir and jay look at each other)

AMIR: I said your mom has a back itch

RYAN: how do you know that?

JAY: nevermind let's just take the stupid calls and sell the animatronic shoe

AMIR: whatever

RYAN:caller you're on the air

CALLER: uh, yeah i want to buy that

RYAN: no you can't it's mine you hear? mine!

PAIGE: no it's not mr. whiskers is mine!

JAY: paige don't make me say it again

CALLER: what?

AMIR: i'm sorry, you've reached speedy pizza, why did you call me?

CALLER: well in that case i'll have 3 large pepperoni and anchovie pizzas delivered to *address prohibited to be shown*

JAY: uh, yeah, we'll have those to you right away, but it may take 3 to 5 years

CALLER: huh (ryan hangs up on him)

RYAN: how rude he wanted to take my shoe away! (says in a hurt voice)

JAY: uh, yeah, caller you're on the air

CALLER: yes i would like to purchase that

JAY: ok caller, you will be billed 4 easy payments of 399.99 in the next 3 months, what is the address?

CALLER: my address, it uh

AMIR: nice try paige (hangs up)

JAY: this sucks, let's cook something(throws the cat behind him)

PAIGE: Mr whiskers! (screams worried)

RYAN: I told you it was cooking show! (acts very proud of himself)
(jay rolls his eyes)

AMIR: yeah but who knows how to cook?
(paige raises his hand)

RYAN: no you don't. A week ago you tried to pour yourself a glass of milk and somehow caught the kitchen on fire I don't even know how you did that.

PAIGE: I wanted warm milk and i only put the carton in the oven for 30 minutes.

JAY: it was already warm though because bobby forgot to put it in the refridgerator

BOBBY: I'm sorry jay please don't yell again!

AMIR: I know let's make beer flavored ice cream!

JAY: (walks to the fridge) There's no more beer!

RYAN: *burp* imagine that (throw an empty beer can at some old lady in the audience)

AMIR: we'll make beer then

RYAN: retard you can't make beer it comes in bottles already duh!

AMIR: your right ry, beer can't be made(sarcasm)(rolls eyes)

JAY: wait a minute where the f-is my vodka?!?

(the old lady ry threw the beer can at hid jays half empty bottle of vodka behind her back and starts whitleing zippity doo da)

JAY: either somebody gets me vodka or i kill everyone in this room, and you out there watching on tv i know where you live!(goes crazy)

(everyone in the audience throws any alchol the have on stage)

JAY: thank you

AMIR: alright! beer!

RYAN: yay, we can make beer ice cream!!!

JAY: who knows how to make ice cream? (cricket chirping sounds)

JAY: ok, i know we'll make beer flavored cake! fetch me a cake mix! we'll use beer instead of water!

RYAN: alright! sweet!

AMIR: there isn't any, i used it in my coffee last week

JAY: well, we'll improvise get me a bunch of white powder

RYAN: ok (Comes back with an arm full of flour, yeast and ect.)

JAY: ok, well pour a bunch of that stuff in a bowl

(ryan opens the bags and pours some of everything in the bowl)

JAY: now i think we need eggs and oil

RYAN: will this work? (holds up a can of motor oil)

JAY: it's oil isn't it?

AMIR: it turned the mix black, cool now pour in the beer!

(jay poured in the beer and puts the bowl in the oven)

RYAN: now what?

AMIR: wanna go get some food?

JAY: no you guys will get fat!

RYAN: shut up jay and come on, come on paige and bobby let's go untill the cake is done

(2 hours later... they come back to the building and there's a bunch of fire fighters because the place is on fire)

JAY: what the hell happened?

FIRE FIGHTER: some idiot caught the building on fire because he doesn't know how to cook

AMIR: Imagine that(takes a sip of mountain dew)

BOBBY: this is magnificent, just like the hindenburg

PAIGE: yeah, wait what about mr whiskers?!?

(mr. whiskers runs to paige nad jumps in his arms)

BOBBY: well i guess everything turned out ok, you know i've learned something today, christmas isn't about presents and things it's about being together with loved ones and being kind to one another and peace on earth and good will toward men

PAIGE: what the hell are you talking about? it's July!

BOBBY: isn't christmas in july?

JAY: no bobby, it's in december as in 5 months away

BOBBY: I'm sorry jay, please don't hurt me(covers head)

JAY: bobby, shut up

BOBBY: well then, if that's not the moral then what is?

AMIR: don't open beer bottles with your teeth

RYAN: I don't get it

AMIR: and you never will (pets ry on the head)

PAIGE: so what are we gonna do now?

JAY: go to disney world and drink beer!

RYAN: disney world is like 2000 miles away though

AMIR: well it's getting dark and i don't think we'll be sleeping on the bus tonight(points to the bus as it bursts into flames)

PAIGE: well let's go somewhere else and drink beer!

ALL: yeah

(and they all lived happily ever after once they got a hold of some beer)