I wish I could say what I think. Just have the words fall out of my mouth. But there’s a barrier, a blockage of some sort. And though, I wouldn’t say he’s waiting, I would definitely say he needs words. He smiles gently at me, trying to coax something out, I can see it. I wish the words would come but they never seem to form. Thoughts dance in my head, suggesting various solutions. I reject them all slowly, none suitable. So I just say it, clear as day.

“Nick, I’m in love with you.”

He doesn’t flicker. Not a muscle moves. No blinks no sounds no nothing. The words hang in the air like a dusky mist. I wait.

“Finally, Julian.”

He take a pull – a long one - on his cigarette, pulling a face at the same time. I can’t tell if its from my words or the tobacco. I wish I could read him but as a book, he’s closed shut. A soft breeze blows out of nowhere, my hair whipping across my face into my eyes. I can see him smiling through the brown strands.

“It’s all you had to say.”

He looks at me, chuckling to himself. I feel no feelings, only confusion. He was so hmm. So I-didn’t-know-what. He was comfortable. Damn, I hated that. “Goddamnit! What the fuck are you on about?” I spit, annoyed. I don’t like how he’s left me hanging. So what? Am I just gonna sit here like a fool, waiting for him to finish the game? No way.

Nick takes a deep breath. I get the feeling he’s had whatever he’s going to say next prepared for a long time.

“You think I’m just a little boy who needs education, protection, shielding and all that. You don’t like me smoking or drinking, I can see the disapproval in your eyes. But I’m not what you think I am, Julian. I’m not a boy, not a man either but I’m ready. Ready for all this.” His eyes lock with mine, intent on making his point.

“All what?" I ask unsteadily.

“Things like this.” He leans in and I feel his soft wet lips brush across mine, settling on them gently. His mouth tastes minty: a reminder of the menthol cigarettes he’s been smoking. We’ve kissed before but this time, I can feel it: energy, passion, something else waiting to develop. His tongue flickers across mine as he pulls back. A moment passes. He starts to bite the dry skin on his lips, a nervous habit he’s picked up in the last year or so. I can’t make my mind up about it: it’s cute but slightly worrying; what does he have to be worried about?

But then I realise. He’s just as scared as I am. Another second passes, slipping away reluctantly. A third threatens to leave in a similar way but Nick grabs it just in time.

“What now?” He asks slowly.

“You tell me.” Eyes fall down, unsure. I hate this, but what can I do? He moves closer to me, his body awkward. Eyes down cast and then-

“I’m scared, Julian”

I stroke his hair slowly, fingers trembling. I smile gently, full of warmth as my eyes connect with his.

“Me too, Nick, me too.”

His head falls against my chest and I hold him close to me, wondering. I place a sweet kiss gently on his forehead, thinking how the future couldn’t be any more uncertain apart from one thing. Him and me.