I never meant for this to happen, Janie. Definitely not. But now that it has, I can't just walk away from it. No, there's too much at stake here. I know that I'm breaking your heart and I'm so sorry but we're not meant to be together. But I think he and I are.

It all happened by accident. Before all this, neither of us were really 'that way', but if a dude was good looking, then we'd say. I always thought that he was quite a fit guy, in a cute insecure way, but I never told him. I just shut up. He, however, was quite blatant in his appreciation of guys. Sometimes I'd catch him sneaking a look at my ass or flashing me his cute smile but he always blushed and turned away. He can be quite shy sometimes, only about a few things but that's one of them. I didn't really think much of it at first; it wasn't like anything could ever happen between us - as if! No, we were just buddies. I wasn't really sexually attracted to him and we didn't really have a close bond so there was nothing to worry about. Well, for a little while.

When we were both at school and the band was just getting started, we used to both be on the school swim team. One time, when we were in the showers, I kinda checked him out. I guess every guy does it secretly, just to compare them with themselves. But with me, it was something different. I noticed that he had a really good body and that it kinda appealed to me. At first, I was really confused about it and I dreaded going to the showers after swim, because I knew I'd just have to look at him. I couldn't help but admire his flat stomach, with cute developing abs, his perfect buttocks, his lightly tanned, flawless skin and, of course, his rather large cock. I tried to avoid going but something always stopped me from putting it off. He never caught me looking at him but sometimes I wish he had. It might have been the starting point for something.

Soon after, the band really started to get going and we saw more and more of each other at rehearsals and stuff. He and I started to get closer, spending a lot of time around each other's houses, just hanging out and talking about shit. Consequently, my brother Benji and I started to drift apart. As twins, we'd always been close and up until that point we were best friends. We argued a lot during that time because he didn't like Billy that much but I didn't care. We were in a band together and we were supposed to be friends, getting along with each other. So anyway, we ended up not talking and so I saw Billy more and more, and so he became my best friend but I never really felt for him. No, not until it happened.

We were just starting our first tour, as support for New Found Glory and it was an eye-opening experience. I mean, we'd, played live before in local clubs but they were just music fans, not Good Charlotte fans and so I wasn't that motivated but seeing Billy smile at me halfway through a gig made the situation just a little more bearable. This time, we were playing theatres... with Good Charlotte fans there! It was just wicked, totally wicked just to see a few fans singing along. It was like all my dreams were coming true. Well, one was, anyway.

Touring can be real stressful, especially as we're so young and so we're not used to being away from home for long periods of time. We all had girlfriends back at home, but since the start of the tour, we'd hardly seen you guys and it was really getting to us. And I guess then it made things worse when Billy found out. Halfway through the tour, his girlfriend broke up with him. She'd cheated on him and realised that she didn't love him anymore. Ironically, she broke up with him to stop hurting him anymore. Well, what could I say? He was devastated. He was just so upset. He really loved this girl and she'd destroyed him and his trust. His heart was torn to shreds. He was just broken. I was with him in his hotel room when she called and so naturally, I consoled him. It seemed okay for me to hug him, it seemed okay for me to whisper "it's alright" into his ear while he sobbed uncontrollably on my chest, it seemed okay for me to stroke his hair, it seemed okay when I... kissed him. I don't know why I did it or the moments before but I did. And well, it was the best thing I'd ever experienced up until that point. And he didn't resist. It was just a gentle kiss, nothing particularly passionate about it, but it was the feeling. The feeling of discovering something new, different and... right. And then I realised. This is me.

When the kiss ended, neither of us said anything. We just stared at each other, maybe searching for an answer to why it felt good. Because he didn't resist. He just let it go and went with the flow. Confusion started to cloud my mind. What was I doing?! I still had a girlfriend and anyway, I wasn't gay! Well, I thought I wasn't. I disentangled myself from Billy and bolted from the room. I could hear him calling my name behind me but I kept on running. I didn't really know where I was going, except I needed to know I needed to be someplace where I could be alone and sort my head out. I ended up at an abandoned skate park. Unusual, I thought, but it was kinda winter at the time. And raining. Not good skating conditions. Sitting on the edge of a half-pipe, I slowed down all the traffic running through my head. What the hell was I supposed to do? Break up with my girlfriend and get with Billy? No... no. Just because we'd shared a kiss didn't mean anything and anyway I still have a girlfriend! I'm not gay, either... I'm not gay! I don't know how long I sat there, debating the same question over and over in my head. Then I reflected and remembered all the time I used to stare at him in the shower, admiring his body and all the deep conversations we'd shared. As relationships go, we'd be perfect together. But he's a guy... and I am too. We just don't go that way... and things don't work like that.

When you're confused and you can't work something out, no matter how hard you try, you usually just end up blocking it out, right? Well, that was the only solution for me. I just had to forget about it and Billy had to as well. It was just a mistake. Just a stupid mistake. But it's hard to forget about things that feel so right.
When I arrived back at the hotel, it didn't surprise me to find Billy sitting on the bed on my room. We all had the keys to each other's rooms in case of an emergency. I cursed myself silently for giving him mine. As soon as I entered the room, he jumped up and voiced everything that I'd spent that last hour trying to forget.

"Joel, we seriously have to talk about this. There was no way that was an accident and I think we'd be seriously dumb if we didn't try to pursue it. I know this would be your first time with a guy but we'd take things real slow-"

"Billy, no. The kiss was a mistake. We should just leave it there."

He stopped dead, shocked and looked me straight in the eye.

"You are kidding, right?"

"No, Billy. I'm deadly serious."

"What?! Don't try and deny that you didn't feel anything through it! For fuck's sake, you're the one who kissed me! I would have at least thought you were cool with this!"

Hmmm. He seems to have gotten over his girlfriend pretty quickly.

"I am! No I'm not! Oh, I don't know! I don't know! I just don't know what to make of all this."

Billy moved closer to where I was standing and squeezed my shoulder.

"It's alright. I know it's confusing but it gets clearer after a while-"

"No it doesn't. I just spent the last hour trying to work it all out."

"Look, don't worry about it. Don't fret over things. It's too much wasted brain power."

I looked up at him to see him smiling at me. He was always such an understanding friend. For a second, he didn't say anything, then he moved in for the kill. His face edging closer, he pulled my head closer to his. I already knew what was coming and a subconscious desire within myself prevented me from objecting. Our parted lips brushed tenderly and I felt his tongue started to explore the interior of my mouth. My hands felt his body and drew it closer to mine. His hands responded by marking a path down along my chest and stomach. It was only when they started to creep further south that I realised the situation I was in.

"I can't keep doing this!" I exclaimed and pushed Billy away from me. Except it was harder than I realised and he nearly fell into the wall and out of the window. His expression of hurt, anger and shock was written all over his face and I was immediately guilty.

"Oh God, I'm so sorry-"

"You know what? Just forget it," he shouted and he stormed from my room, slamming the door so hard that it rattled in its frame. Defeated, I slumped against the wall and to my surprise I began to cry. "Why did I lie to him? Why did I lie to myself?" I thought. "Why am I hiding away from this? I know it's right. He knows it's right. So why does all this feel so wrong?" I never found the answer.

I didn't see Billy outside of the gigs for at least a week after that. During that time, I'd thought about shit a lot, going over it again and again in my head. I don't know why I wasted my time, really. I'd already found what I was looking for. I know I'd have to talk to him. We'd been best friends for a while now and we'd have to sort things out. So, one day, I swallowed my pride and knocked on the door of his hotel room and waited urgently. No reply. I knocked again. Still no reply. I guessed he was out somewhere. Maybe the others knew. Knocking on my brother's door, he answered looking pretty clean. No make-up or gelled hair. Ah, he'd just showered. That's a rare thing for Benji.

"Yeah?" He asked.

"You know where Billy's gone?"

He didn't speak for a second, then "He's gone to a private studio downtown. Trying to write some new stuff, he said. I'll give you the address if you want."

"Ah yeah, that'd be great."

I waited silently on the doorstep while he scribbled on a small slip of paper, returning a few seconds later.

"Here."

"Thanks," I replied.

A moment of awkward silence.

"Well, I'll be off then," I muttered and left.

He didn't have to say anything. The pain of my brother's rejection was written all over his face.

Not long after, I found the studio. A receptionist pointed down a long hallway, telling me that Billy was in number 37. I was right at the beginning, number 1. This might take a while. I found him (eventually) sitting cross-legged on the floor, playing an acoustic. He wasn't too pleased to see me.

"Hey," I said cheerily.

"What are you doing here?" He retorted moodily.

"We need to talk."

"No, we don't. You've said all there is to say."

"Please, just for a little while?"

"Can't you see I'm busy?"

"I know that but-"

"But what?"

"I... I think this might work, Billy. You and I."

He looked at me then said, "Shut the door."

Gently, I closed the door to the little booth he was in and realised I couldn't hear a single sound. It was completely soundproof. I'd have to look into getting one of these.

"So what have you got to say?" Billy's voice brought me straight back to reality.

"I think this might work. I was just too scared to admit it. I... I really like you. Even from the early days, when we were in high school, I liked you. But now, I really like you. So I'd like to give this a go."

He looked at me suspiciously. "Whatever."

"What?! I'm not joking!" I cried in disbelief.

"You really expect me to believe that you've gone from wanting to forget all this to embracing it? I really don't think so."

"Billy, I'm not kidding!"

"Really? Well, I don't know about you but I'm not. I meant what I said. I do want to be with you but you - you don't know whether you're coming or going."

"I do!-"

"Prove it then."

"Okay-"

"Fuck me. Right here, right now."

What the fuck? I stared at him in complete and utter surprise. Was this a joke?

"Are you serious?" I choked.

"Damn right I am. Come on, if you want me so much, fuck me. This booth is completely soundproof. No-one will hear us."

Okay, he wasn't joking, that was for sure. I should have seen this coming.

"So come on then," he murmured, getting up and walking over to me. "What are you waiting for?"

Suddenly, I grabbed him and drew him into a violent kiss. I could feel the ecstasy he'd been wanting to release for so long. I felt his hands hastily unbuttoning my shirt while mine ran up and down his smooth back.

"Oh God," I gasped, our kiss breaking. "I want you so fucking much."

"You have no idea," Billy murmured in reply. I

pulled his t-shirt from his torso, revealing his hairless chest. I should have realised. No straight guy has a waxed chest. His hands began to fumble with my belt clasp and as he unzipped me, I noticed that his hands were shaking. He was nervous! He lied! He made out like he'd done bare shit with boys! The liar!

I pulled his trousers down clean with his underpants to reveal his red-hot erection. Dude. This would be different.

"Come on, come on" I heard him mutter under his breath. God, he really wanted this. I spun him round and pushed him up against the wall and dropped my trousers.

I was rock hard. My body was ready but was my mind? How the fuck was I going to do this? I'd never done this before. I didn't have any lube and I didn't want this to hurt. What was I going to do?

"Joel, what the fuck are you waiting for?!" Billy called out. "Come on!"

"Are you sure you wanna do this now?" I asked shakily. "This is really going to hurt!"

"I got some lube in my bag. Go grab it."

Grabbing his bag, I funbled around in his things until I found a small tube of lubricant. Hastily, I coated my own erection in the slippery substance, dropping the tube to the floor.

"Are you ready for this?"

"Joel, just do it."

Taking a deep breath, I went for it.

I truly couldn't believe I was doing this. In a music studio! Well, at least it was soundproof.

Slowly, I worked a finger inside Billy's asshole, loosening his muscles, when I heard him wince with pain.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."

"You sure, cos I'll stop-"

"Just get on with it, Joel!"

So I did. Grabbing Billy's shoulders, I entered him slowly and steadily worked myself into a gentle but passionate rhythm. It wasn't exactly easy; Billy was tighter than any girl I'd ever been with and with each gasp of pain he let out, I'd ask him if he was okay and he always replied he was. But I still had a nagging feeling that I was hurting him more than he let on.

It seemed as though neither he or I was ready to rush this and so when we'd finally relaxed, I pushed my shaft deeper into him, Billy's gasps turning to moans, his ass muscles clenched tightly with every thrust. Sweat started to form on our skin - it was already a hot day and sex doesn't usually help. Leaning forward, I breathed in Billy's seductive scent, sending chills down my spine. He smelt of lust, passion and sex. Oh God, did I want to make him come. In between my thrusts, I reached in front of him and grabbed his burning erection. I started to stroke in time with my fucking, Billy gasping breathlessly. I could feel his wet hot skin sliding against mine and I pulled him closer to me.

"Oh God, Billy, I want you... I want you so fucking much."

A moan issued from Billy's lips. "You have me, Joel, you fucking have me..."

"Oh God...!"

I was teetering over the edge of climax and it wouldn't be long before...

A huge moan erupted from Billy as he came wildly, his dick covering my hand in a thin film of cum and seconds later, I reached my climax, dispersing my seed deep into the chasms of Billy's body. I withdrew myself slowly and turned Billy towards me, pulling him closer and drawing him into an enrapturing kiss, his soft naked flesh brushing mine. How sweet this would be.

We broke apart and I smiled. "Proof enough for you?" I asked.

He smiled back at me.

"Excessive."

Well all that was six months ago and we've been together since. Now you know why I kept disappearing off all the time and who all those private phone calls were from. I didn't mean to hurt you like this and I never meant for it to end this way but it has and I can't just erase all those feelings I have for him now. I know I'm a bastard, a jerk, a wanker, I'm whatever you want to call me and I deserve it. But please, just try to understand, please do Janie. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow but sometime when you look back on all this. I still love you as a friend... but not as a lover. I'm just so sorry. And I guess that's all I can say.