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This is me
Friday, 26 March 2004
Various Poems
Untitled (1999)
Everything is going my way
I’m glad to live, to see another day
I’ve never thought things could go so well
I’ve finally stepped out of the gates of Hell
It’s because of you that I feel this way
What else can I really say
You’re so cute with your saphire eyes
A hell of an ass and valupuous thighs
Never have I felt this great
Could it be, I now believe in fate
With never ending compassion and a great big heart
and a body described as a work of art
My blood flows strong when I think of you
My God I hope that this is true

Eyes of an Addict
(Written in 7th or 8th grade)
What’s the big fuss about?
I mean this is my life, why can’t I do what I want?
Heroin gives me the feeling of euphoria,
Acid lets me visit special places,
Ecstasy lets me enjoy my greatest fantasies,
Why should I give this shit up?
People say it damages your body,
Who cares how much it hurts my body?
I want to have fun.
In the long run I’m going to die anyway,
So why can’t I choose to live my life in the shadow of drugs?
Drugs are fun and they make me feel great,
Why don’t you try it?
If you’ve never used a drug then how can you knock it?

My life was destroyed before I started using,
Mom was frustrated and Dad hated my guts.
So what’s the big fuss about?
My life was over before I started using drugs,
I needed a way out.
Life was too much for me to handle.
I tried leaving the house but everyone just thought I was using anyway.
So FUCK it, I can live up to these kinds of expectations.

I would dress like the local drug lords.
People would ask me if I could give them “something to kill the pain”.
Cops would stop me on the street and check to see if I was clean,
This was BEFORE I was using,
I’m sick of stereotypes,
they repulse me,
I’ll show ‘em, and just do drugs,
That way their judgment won’t be wrong.
What’s the big fuss about,
It’s my fucking life.

I’m sick of this town,
I’m sick of this city,
I’m sick of this country,
I’m sick of this world.
I’m sick of my whole damn life!
I am filled with so much rage,
People will pay.
I’ll show everylast one of you.
Such as every wanna be dictator that kicked me when I was down!
I think I’ll take a nice long nap with a bullet in my fucking head...

Reflecting on the Future
Look at me and look at my life
Look in my eyes and tell me why I have strife
I sin, I wander, I give in to temptation
Looking for the girl from the T.V. station
Do I need a girl that’s both beautiful and complex
Yes, and it makes my life an insolvable vex
You ask me if I have found her
I look at you, grin, and say sure
I find her everyday in a different person
But can I settle for such a limited version
I also find flaw in everyone I meet
I can’t help it, I observe from the head to heart to the feet
Ah, but if I don’t find flaw
It is in myself the problem I saw
I am too proud to settle for second best
but I’m not good enough for all of the rest

If you figured it out, I’m sure you will see
No matter who I’m involved with, I’m lonely as can be
Story of my life a man once said
I won’t think about it till I wake from bed
I set standards in opposition
always in a bad position
Until I change, this will remain true
There’s probably only one or just a few
that’ll show me what I should do
but when I find them I stick like glue
I ruin it for myself everytime
Like a poet with absolutely no ryme
Of course, I am not so easy to forget
but they won’t life a life of regret
for if you do, you’ll be just like me
only seeing the past, the present so cloudy

You know what I’m talking about, you know what I am saying
But it is only I that seems to be paying
Back in history Love wasn’t so highly regarded
My God, those people must have been somewhat retarded
For Love is the only thing I care to learn
But the teachers are strict, strict and stirn
I need to stop thinking with my heart, and more with my penis
or maybe not just Love, but also sex I will miss
I can’t do it... tried that already
‘cause without Love I don’t need little Freddy
Shallow and false gets you in her bed
But only Love will make you understand her head

Cynically Optomistic (2001)

I flirt, I joke and show you I care
Leading you on and it seems unfair
I want to kiss and hold you every night
but I don’t feel that I have the right
I need somebody to Love, somebody to hold
but I lost my dignity to one so bold
I have a problem going for what I want
I seem to lose focus after the hunt
I tell you that I’m weak but you don’t understand
that I’m happy with the thought of just holding your hand
I know what I want and I think you feel the same
but at the end of the night I leave you in shame
Not shame in you but shame in myself
I just leave you dangling like a medal hanging on a shelf
I’m not confused, I know what I want
but I missed the goal, like an out of bounds punt
I just want to show you that life can be fun
while holding you and talking under the sun
You say everything that I need to hear
but your motives still seem unclear

Do you want what I seem to hear
Or am I right, right in my fear
I’m scared of little or so it would seem
Unless the pain is givin by someone from the oposite team
What did I wish and what was I thinking
I think I’m trying to stop my heart from sinking
I wish you would want me because you know who I am
Not another, one who has given you a sham
I could lie, be shallow and attractive
but then you wouldn’t know just excactly what the fact is
I think you know and are scared too
This can be something different and new
I don’t any time to figure out the reason
but I seem to be sad for those filled with treason
They show, that which should be seen, they say, that which should be said
but all they really want is to get you into their bed
I can’t do it, I could never lie to you
‘Cause if it is supposed to be... it will be lovely and true

Was I Actually Sorry
I’m sorry for making you feel that way
I apologize for showing you passion
I never ment to make you uncomfortable
I didn’t mean to inspire these feelings you’ve cut off
What was I thinking, showing you the existance of potential
I didn’t try to slip but I know I’m still falling
I tried to keep in my solitary world
I’m sorry for not feeling lonely around you

What happened to our inhabitions, they kept us so honest
Honest in your denial, honest in my control
I’m sorry, I don’t want to feel inhibited anymore
This is an apology for breaking your wall of comfort
an apology for not wanting to hide anymore
for showing you how well we will be together
for letting you glimpse at my heart
Sorry to peek into yours without your expressed permission
I didn’t mean to, it just kind of happened this way
This is excactly what I want, what I need
I’m done saying I’m sorry, ‘cause I’m not
I’m loving it, I’m loving you
This is the long run, this isn’t temporary
Decide, I trust you, you know what you need
and so do I, do it, Own it
I’m sorry for not being sorry anymore
Deepest apologies for how I feel are over
This is how it is, how it was, and how it will be
Accept it.

A Good Time
When I was young I was beaten with the physical
When I was old I was beaten with the mental
In the middle there must have been a good time
A time at which I was content
A time when I wasn't bleeding
A time where the devil had forgotten about me
A time when it was not hard to see
A time when money was plentiful
A time when people listened to what I had to say
A time when I wasn't lonely
I can't remember a time that was like this
There was never a perfect time
There was never a time that there wasn't a care
There were only moments of happiness
There is always something after those moments
Something to murder the feelings of contentness
But we should love these moments
We should savor these moments
Because these are our good times
Copyright ©2004 Richard Eugene Roach

I once fell in love, or perhaps it was twice
Was I too happy, or was I too nice
Women don't seem to want to stay with me
They leave after I pay them their fee
That's not true, that's not right
I haven't fell in love until this very night
Perhaps it was the moon, or maybe the stars
I hope you share this love, so it will be ours
Your eyes twinkle, your hair flows in the wind
The first time you looked at me, I just grinned
It was more of a giggle, an energy surge
A sexual feeling, a sexual urge
But it was more than sex, more than just beauty
It was a fairness, oh, such purity
Oh, bye the way, my name is Rich
Copyright ©2004 Richard Eugene Roach

Hard Not to be Bitter
I'm the one that is always happy
But no one wants to be happy with me
I'm the one that is always caring
But no one wants to care for me
I'm the one that is always so hyper
But inside I'm so very tired

I'm the one filled with desire
But no one wants to be desired by me
I'm the one that loves you
But you don't seem to want my love
I'm the one that speaks his opinion
But no one seems to understand

I'm the one that is always responsible for my actions
Cause no one wants to be responsible for me
I'm the one that always seems charming
Cause I want someone to charm me
I'm the one that doesn't go out sometimes
Cause it seems like they don't want me around
copyright ©2004 Richard Eugene Roach

I'm ok
I walk tall and proud so no one suspects,
That I am lonely, lonely as heck.
I laugh, I giggle, I tell meaningless jokes,
So no one knows that my life is a hokes.
No one will suspect me 'cause I'm so bold,
But when I go home there is no one to hold.
I haven't cried or wept since I was two,
Until I met and then lost you.
I see you, I laugh and show that it doesn't
bother me,
But when I go home, I pay a great fee.
copyright ©2004 Richard Eugene Roach

Take a Look Inside

Why do you live your life in opposition
Putting yourself in a bad position
Why does everything have to contradict
Bad habits will never be kicked
Cute dimples, cute to sell
Lips spiteful, spiteful as hell
Figure it out as soon as possible
Before relationships become impossible
copyright ©2004 Richard Eugene Roach
Kill is passion
Love is hate
Happiness makes you cry
Religion gives you disbelief
Sadness is comfortable
Depression is euphoric
To be cool is to be sad
To be mad is the new fad
Hurt feels good
Goodness seems to kill
Rage is relentless
Contentness is unreachable
To be strange is divine
To be oppressed is normal
A question can be an answer
An answer brings many questions
Age brings death
Age brings wisdom
You are the smartest when you are dead
Copyright ©2004 Richard Eugene Roach
Once I fell in Love
I once fell in love, or perhaps it was twice
Was I too happy, or was I too nice
Women don't seem to want to stay with me
They leave after I pay them their fee
That's not true, that's not right
I haven't fell in love until this very night
Perhaps it was the moon, or maybe the stars
I hope you share this love, so it will be ours
Your eyes twinkle, your hair flows in the wind
The first time you looked at me, I just grinned
It was more of a giggle, an energy surge
A sexual feeling, a sexual urge
But it was more than sex, more than just beauty
It was a fairness, oh, your such a cutie
Oh, bye the way, my name is Rich

Posted by punk4/rbfstyle at 3:20 PM EST
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Women are Like Cigarettes
They both give you temporary pleasure every time you light them up
You can’t help wanting another one every hour or so
If you don’t have one for a long time it will drive you insane
They can calm you down at times
Some taste good, some not so much
They’re both expensive as all hell
Quitting is damn near impossible because they’re so fucking addicting
Sometimes they make you feel like shit in the morning
but you know you need to have another round
Eventually they will kill you!!

Posted by punk4/rbfstyle at 3:19 PM EST
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thank you

You’ve stirred my soul and touched my heart
My mind is sparked and my body is tingling
Everything is open, so do what you wish

Feelings repressed come back two fold
Inspiration subdued becomes a controlling force
Inhibitions suppressed leave with exponential growth
You’ve gotten me to want again, I’ll try to be selfless
Strength in your presents has caused me to love life again
You’ve brought me back into this world, so do what you wish

Thoughts kept in the closet come out fully developed
When anxiety has passed, one can be content once more
When one is secure on top, the fall can be devastating

You’ve caused me to see potential, I thought it was lost
The future is important to me, I thought the future was gone
I’ve fallen, I’m ready to climb once more, so do what you wish

Posted by punk4/rbfstyle at 3:18 PM EST
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Never Concede
The horses are never calm anymore
They used to be such peaceful beasts
Now they pace with deadly fury in their eyes
Kicking and galloping, I don’t think they’ll ever stop
They were so beautiful, together always
But now storms flood their hearts
Pushing them this way and that
Never restricted until they were locked in their stead
They used to walk, never knowing where they would end
Never caring, never wondering if they’ve gone too far
Free forever, this is how they felt
Free in the wind, free throughout this country
Now they know their master
They do not love their master
He believes that he loves them
He loves their power and the emotion that’s like liquid surging in their veins
He feels their pulse and is driven by their rage
He thinks he can control it and use it for his advantage
They will never concede, never bend to his will
They will find a way out; they will learn this unbearable fence
Finding a way out is their only motivation
Confined in this system, they will break the system
When they sleep they remember love
They will find this love once more
Through fury and rage they will attain freedom
Freedom is the love that they will find once more
And their master will know the loneliness that has driven their compulsion

Posted by punk4/rbfstyle at 3:17 PM EST
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Random Shiznat
You think I'm so innocent, pure, and free
Just as happy and careless as I can be
But I've known guilt, and I've known pain
And the bittersweet feeling I can't stop the rain
I know love and I know hate
And power and weakness and chance and fate
I know the truth, but still I lie
I know how to laugh but still I cry
You say that you trust me - you seem to believe
That your fade-away angel could never deceive
You extend your heart on a silver tray
And I don't have the power to push it away
I die a thousand times when I look into your eyes
But it's only myself that I despise.
The doors of perception are steal, with razor-sharp edges. They are at the corners of the deserts of your mind, and the transient winds of your emotions are causing them to swing wildly, erratically, back and forth...
The moments at which we step outside of ourselves and go through these doors are very rare, and very unpredictable. Who knows whether, at the moment you step up to those doors, they will be swung open, allowing you to see clearly at last, or slamming shut, killing you, and, worse, slashing apart your imagination, killing you, and, worse, slashing apart your imagination, savagely, brutally.
These doors are the keys to all that is real (which is hardly anything in this world). It is only when we go through them that we get a glimpse of the true, horrible, beautiful Self within us all. Only the unlucky make it back through those doors to the hellish world that the rest of us are, for the present, cursed to live in.
Mother tried to be a friend
While father tried to buy a friend
I didn't want a plastic friend
Just someone to talk to
Talk to at will
And express how I feel
Without regret
But how they forget
To be young again
They could feel the pain
Feel the pain inside of me
Feel the hate I hide from me
Hidden hate is the dangerous kind
It can steal your fate and make you blind
It disguises reality
And fills it with enemies
Bur your just an ordinary kid
You have no enemies, jest you kid
No mortal enemies you see
Just something lurking inside of me
I feel him deep in my soul
I can hear hear in my head
He cries "Hello"

please come home
I've got a few things that I didn't think about
until after you were gone.
Please come home
We said goodbye and now this feeling
that I've never felt
keeps me alone.
This morning I was thinking about our summertime
Ninety-Nine percent of our time.
And I thought we could go and do it again this summer.
Drink in your room, stay up 'till the sunrise.
Oh wait, you didn't call back and I have a feeling
that you never will.
Please come home.
And still, I'll call again and again reminding me
I'm still in love.
Please come home, I miss you so much,
Please come home.

another disco party?
Well I am spent, spending,
another day inside. Just what I always wanted.
Going nowhere, but upstairs, and out there.
What will they say?
"He was out there anyway."
Alone, everyday, every night,
gets old, real old.
Another disco party?
Gag me on a cigarette puff,
and get me home, that's what I want.
We aren't done for yet, but we're on our way.
So gag me on my cigarette puff,
and get me home.
Just get me out of here.

Keep up this everyday is Saturday attitude,
and hope the work just disappears.
If I don't lift a finger long enough,
everyone is bound to forget about me.
Excuses come to me so easily. It's so easy these days.
Champion of the excuse.
Maybe I can keep this one up long enough
for everyone to just forget about me.
I'm looking back, straight back,
tell me now who chose the right road?
Me, or that that kid whose a success.
Maybe I found something tht I found more enjoyable,
something known as happiness.
So pull the needles from your eyes,
because being out of my mind is being out of sight,
and I'll be slipping by just fine.
So just forget about me,
because I'm done with your world
and I'm moving on to my dreams.

Furious with Myself

I treat you like alcohol
Compulsion drives my will
The days mean nothing
While the nights mean less
Malcontent makes my spirit dwindle
I tried to use u to make it pass
I’ve realized what I have done wrong
And now it is time to make things right
I need to let you go
I need to depend on myself
Where as now I do not hold the power to help myself
I shall learn to deal with it and malcontent shall pass
This is a downward slope that started with the first smile
When flirting with the idea I knew that it would only last a while
Words and ideas cloud my head with judgment
I shouldn’t do it but I know that I do
This is primeval human instinct
An instinct, which needs to pass
Will it pass
Will I get over my malcontent
Time will tell
And I will prevail
But still tawdry excuses will cloud my head
My vision will be lost
While my will tries to move ahead
I love to think
I love to figure out the enigma of life
But the things that I love seem to be driving away those who love me
So what do I chose
To be loved
Or to love myself
I need to take care of what is inside of me
So that I can figure out whom I am supposed to be
I never expected for you to be able to see
But as of now I shall never bow down on one knee
How long will it be before I find she
Just as soon as I figure out, who is me

Kill is passion
Love is hate
Happiness makes you cry
Religion gives you disbelief
Sadness is comfortable
Depression is euphoric
To be cool is to be sad
To be mad is the new fad
Hurt feels good
Goodness seems to kill
Rage is relentless
Contentness is unreachable
To be strange is divine
To be oppressed is normal
A question can be an answer
An answer brings many questions
Age brings death
Age brings wisdom
You are the smartest when you are dead

Posted by punk4/rbfstyle at 3:15 PM EST
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I’ve Always Known
Will I ever find my Constantine, or is she only in that dream
You know the dream, where the colors are clear
And the emotion is overwhelming
You’ve never been able to talk to her because your love wakes you too soon
You can merely observe her beauty
Her long flowing hair, her smooth naked shoulders
Never feeling emotion so crisp
Never seeing something so amiably out of reach

You ask, does she exist
I say she does
You ask will you ever find her
I say I already have
You tell me to get out of this dream
I tell you I cannot and do not want to
You tell me that I can never attain her love
I tell you that I will not stop until I do
You doubt me and tell me to give up, that my dreams are too much
I tell you that I will have to give up my life before I give up my dreams

Constantine, I have found you in this reality
I pursue the love that I see in our future
But you turn away, denying what will make us whole
You’ve run away from me, giving me just a little of what will be forever
You want me to stop calling you Constantine
But I tell you that my love for you will be with me always
You are my Constantine, you know it
Whether you will be with me or not
I will always love you
I will love you constantly for my entire life
Till the death, for all of life

Please don’t make me love you alone
Please don’t make me live in my dreams
‘cause whether you are here or someplace abroad
I will always have a piece of you
So very close that it will never be lost to me
I cannot cut this piece out of my heart
So do not ask me to try
Do not ask me to forget, because I can’t
In a world with nothing absolute
Give this to me because it shows me that truth can exist

I will love you in my memory
I will not let the memories be painful
It will not hurt me because I’ve had a taste of greatness
It can’t hurt, it just lets me remember your love
That is not pain, I will not be so vain to call it that
You are and always will be my Constantine

Posted by punk4/rbfstyle at 3:13 PM EST
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