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..cracker!
Life is gay
bleeding black
depressed..again..
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..the only broken hearted loser you'll ever need

Tuesday, 5 October 2004

..over do it and have a fit
Mood:  down
Now Playing: The way I am [Eminem]
Topic: messed
Yes I'm listening to Eminem cause I'm trying to think of a screen name and.. dammit, I need a song by him. Cause I'm looking for this certain song. Okay I found it. Yeah, I'm listening to Eminem. Yuppp.. oh well. Cause I broke my danm Cd player so I'm dying cause I need to go on the comptuer for music and they try to kepe me from going on this thing so how can I survive without comptuer cause I can't survive wihtout music. Just barely. I feel sick too much and it's not the flu sick, it's a sickness from the bottom of my empty fucking stomache pit and it digs its way out, clawing at my throat so whatever you throw at me, it just washes it down it's own and.. I don't what the fuck I'm saying. But then again I don't know who I am anymore. Ah dunno what to wear, Ah dunno what to fucking say, Ah dunno wut the fuck to do, Ah dunno who the fuck to hang with or talk to or... I only know who to bitch at, I'll bitch at whoever I want cause you can't do anything about it.. Nobody ever DOES anything about it except for the damn adults cause they think their so superior and above us. Their nothing. Their just as low as us except a few of us are lower.. LOWER.
But I can't here my sister. Why? Cause I just blasted Marilyn Manson. Cause she was talking to me and I really don't care what the fuck she's saying so if she says I'm ignoring her.. I'm not,I'm absorbing Marilyn Manson. While I can... I need his damn CD. I need MONEY. Why the hell did I spend it.. cause I was saving it just for that and then I went and spent it.. godammnit!!!
Well Soooo I just lied. I told Lyndon I was fine when I'm not. Thats cause I'm hiding my feelings from everything and everyone. Which is why I shall give up YOU! Bye.

Assimilated by punk4/insane0 at 10:52 AM
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Tuesday, 28 September 2004

..can't they see its why my brain says Rage
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Sanitarium [Metallica]
Topic: so fucking bored
Lyndon's too kool. Yeah. I love the way he smells.. I know that sounds dumb but it's true. Cause it's just.. everytime I stand by him.. meh. But he's the koolest. Why? Cause he is. There's nothing I hate about him. Nothing at all. It's like this one girl said, "usually i find about 5 things i hate about the guy". But I havn't found anything.. heeeeee's awesome. But yeah. I've decided I hate everyone at school except Lyndon, Dolly and Destiny. Oh, and the people Lyndon hangs out which are Jameson and all them. Jameson, Michael.. yeah. I hate Kevin though. And Breanna was bugging me and she wanted me to tell her if DOlly was online and I was like, why? And she'slike cause she blocked me okay. and I said, haaa no one likes youuu. And she's like, "what about cierra" and naming people like Bree but I told her, "then why are you always complaining about Bree behind her back?" which is true. And then she said, "nikki" and i couldnt care less about nikki cause shes a big stuck up ass. And then she said Dolly and I was gonna say that Dolly DIDNT but then I didnt want a big fight started between her and Dolly cause it wouldve been my fault for telling breanna dolly didnt like her. Cause Dolly doesn't. She talks to me about it. And then she says, "u" and that made me laugh cause.. it's funny, she assumes that EVERYONE likes her and she thinks shes so popular. Well guess what, princess, the world doesn't revolve around you. So I said, "me? ha, I don't like you" so then I guess she got mad and I blocked her and she changed her screen name to, "jamie is gay". What? I'm gay cause I don't like her? Pfffftt.. big deal.
So yes, I hung out with Lyndon and them yesterday. And then they kinda went home and it was just me and Lyndon walking around for an hour and I got him talking. not alot, cause he's a quiet guy but still, he talked to me. And I made laugh, what, a million times? It was fun.. and he gave me something, it's supposed to be good luck. And he said, "i left it at home but after school, i put it back in my pocket and then it works cause i've had alot of good luck.." and i was about to ask what good luck but.. I don't know, I guess I had a good idea of what he was talking about. So now I am holding it. Why give it to me? I'm a loser.. but I guess he doesn't think so. So today in school.. I think he's coming to school now cause I told him I wasn;t allowed on the computer cause I wasnt but then mom gave in to me although I did not beg her or anything.. I hate this computer, it's no fun anymore. But it's still addicting. I just havn't had anyone good to talkt o lately except Lyndon and Lyndon's mom flipped out at him too and took away his computer. So yeah, I think he's just coming to school cause there's no other way to talk to me. He said talking to me makes everything better.. on Saturday night. He said something about him having this big fight his mom and his sister and how he just hated everythign and he wanted to kill himself but then he went on MSN and talked to me and felt better.. said he wanted to tell me something that he never told anyone. So I wanted to know but he was hesititing too much. Then he just told me and I don't think it's alot to be embarrased about.. maybe if your a guy but.. it's just crying. So yeah, I guess its embarrasing for a guy but yeah. I still can't beleive I know this guy cause he's like, everything I ever wanted. Just knowing him makes me feel alright. Just.. you know, knowing that he's THERE, a couple of blocks away and.. knowing that I TALK to him, about everything.. and knowing that I can just SEE him and.. he's everything. Everyone else is hopeless but Lyndon's everything. After school he asked me for my phone number cause he didnt' have it. YAY maybe he'll call me.. kinda kool cause no one ever calls me anymore. Still, I wonder if he'll talk then? cause thats all you can do on the phone you know, talk and listen. So I have to go eat my McDonalds now. Then I'll go for a walk or something cause this computer is too boring now. See ya..

Assimilated by punk4/insane0 at 12:38 PM
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Saturday, 25 September 2004

....what went wrong
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: What went wrong [Blink 182]
Topic: so fucking bored
Well I dono't know what's gotten into me this weekend..? Meh. I don't feel liek telling you waht happened on Thursday bt it was a fucking wicked night. I went out with Lyndon, yay. Yeah. And now, I'm bored and I'm not allowed out while nobody is home because of Thursday night. But I'm thinking about leaving and being back by 8 anyway. Only an hour but.. oh well? Maybe I'll make it 8:30.. I don't know. Delainey's pissing me off right now, just like before. It was funny, earlier cause I was bugging her. Calling her a spazzer and shit. I was like, "stop spazzing." and I kept saying shit about her spazzing and I was like, "SPAZZER!" and I told Lyndon and he thought it was hilarious so he unblocked her, said, "spazzer" and blocked her again. Ha. He did it a couple of times more. Yup. Hottttttieeee I love that guy. Oh my god, I hate Delainey. urgh. Doesn't she know when to leave someone alone? Doesn't she get the damn message? Jesus Christ. now I'm just gonna keep saying, "leave me alone". Okay, I jsut told her what I told you. The "do u get the damn message" part. She is so annoying me right now, I wanna fucking hit her. I'm gonna end up blocking her.. Okay, I blocked her. Wonder what I shall say to her in school? Nothing. That's what. I shall be a loser. Loser is Jamie. Yes. Ahhh who gives a fuck. I'm gonna like, go to a store or something cause I have 20 bucks. I don't even know if I wanna spend it, I don't even know what the hell I'm gonna do right now. I wanna do something rebellious. Maybe I should go buy some spray paint and like, vandalize some shit. Or maybe I should steal a lighter. I need a lighter cause I lost mine. Yeah, I'll like.. dress kinda gothic and go and steal a lighter and then go light something on fire. Mwahahaha fucking pyro, I am. Okay I just changed. Maybe I'm not dressed gothic. I have my favorite black really baggy pants on it with the AFI thing on it. And my brown and grey striped t-shirt.. and a black belt with pink stars and the other usual jewelery. Maybe the pink star belt ruins it all but it's my favorite match-up thing. Delainey just sent me an e-mail.. hmmm.. wonder what it says.. I shall read it.. Oh it just says a load of crap. I sent her one back saying to leave me alone but I said a little bit more than that too. Meh. Who the hell cares about it, nothing's a big deal to me anymore. Nobody will ever understand this shit except Lyndon and possibly Danielle. I kinda got pissed at Danielle today too but I was more desperate than pissed. Just wanted to talk to someone and she wasn't doing a great job cause all she wanted to talk about was me.. urgh. Lyndon's the only one who has been nice to me. I'm happy for him even if no other girl likes him, evne if they think he's "ewwww ugly" and shit like that. I don't care, cause he's everything I ever wanted. Now I must go rebel.

Assimilated by punk4/insane0 at 1:47 PM
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Wednesday, 22 September 2004

..never meant to be so cold
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Cold [Crossfade]
Topic: bleeding black
Guess what? Lyndon asked me out. Today. Yay! I know I should sound more happy and I was/am but I'm bored and he's not online right now so I'm bored and sad. And I missed my guitar lesson cause I was out walking with Delainey and I didn't know it started at 6:00. And I got home at 5:58. Why do I always screw things up? Oh well. I wonder if Lyndon will say something to me tomorrow? He SHOULD! I mean.. we go out now.. cause he asked me, WOOOOHOO!! Ah this is soo cool. I didn't know it would happen so soon though.. And I didn't know HE would ask ME. It's funny cause I was tlaking to Alex and DAnielle about hima dn how nice he was and everything and Alex said I should tell him I like him or do SOMETHING about it and same with Danielle. And instead, HE did something about it.. I'm so happy, I wonder what's gonna happen tomorrow..

Assimilated by punk4/insane0 at 1:04 PM
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..blahh
Mood:  bright
Topic: so fucking bored
So Lyndon DIDN'T go to school yesterday.. dammit. I saw sad, I really was ha. Yesterday was my sister's birthday and we allw ent out for supper. It was cool. I asked me dad for a PS2 or an XBox for my birthday. Dabry got a cell phone and its' awesome. So I want a PS2 cause I lost my Gameboy Advance {GBA} and I need something to occupy me when I'm not on the computer ha. Yeah. Now I wonder if Lyndon went to school today? Cause I didn't. Cause my mom tried waking me up this morning at 7:56 and I just thought it was apart of my dream and I woke up an hour later and mom went back to bed and Ken was gone to work so then I took thed og out and I came back in and mom said I didn't have to go to school. Cause we only have it in the morning anyway. Same with tomorrow. Last night I was trying to figure out somehting to say to Lyndon and I asked Delainey and she said to complain about her and she wouldnt care, ha. So I did and she knows I didn't mean any of it. And I said shit like how Delainey was so annoying and that she's always saying that I should go out with him and that he lieks me and that. She does say some of that stuff. She always tells me to tell hi I like him ha. So then he says, "tell her to unblock me" cause they still weren't getting along and she blocked him. So I said, "why?" and he said, "cause I wannaknow why she thinks I like you" so I told Delainey and she's like, no. So then Lyndon goes on all his accounts.. JEEZ he has a million accounts!! He added me to them all. And then he finally found one where she was online and then they got in a fight ha and Dleainey pretended she hated me and she she told him I like him. And then he asks me, "she said that you like me" and I said, "do you beleive her?" and he says, "should I?" and I said, "i guess" and he says, "okay lol" So now I think he knows? Meh. Brady just signed on. I geuss she got her internet fianlly. Cause she moved to St.John's to live with her mom. Well I'm gonna go.

Assimilated by punk4/insane0 at 6:09 AM
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Tuesday, 21 September 2004

..taking lives
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: the Young and the Hopeless [Good Charlotte]
Topic: bleeding black
Yep, I'm listening to Good Charlotte.. big deal. I like some of their songs, I have a choice to listen to what I want to even if everyone else thinks their gay posers. So, I had a long talk with Lyndon yesterday. He's a good person to talk to and I jsut told him about ME just so, if I ever freak out, he'll know why, ha. That's not the real reason why, though.. I don't know why. I just told him a little about me being depressive tehn it all came spilling out, even about my family being all messed up on drugs and about me cutting myself. And about m,e trying to find some pills to drug myself up on.. We talked about drugs alot too and then we just talked about problems again and, I know some stuff about him. Delainey said he's really secretive. I know that he only cares about 4 people and he thinks thats weak but I geuss I'm weak cause I only care about 3-4 people. And he can only trust his friend Jason. I can only trust Carlie, Danielle and, now him. Some peopel can't trust anyone. And he said to me, "if i had a sharp enough knife, i'd cut myself too" and yeahh.. in Grade 5, he did started oil. Cause of this guy that lives with him, named John. Yeah. I saw John too, he's hot, ha. But yeah, so he was addicted to oil the whole year and then he did coke once and he told me to never do it cause it's not even fun. I don't wanna do it. I just asked my mom if coke was the same as crack and she said, "the difference between coke and crack is, they boil coke to make crack". And then shes like, "why?" and i said, "I don't know, just wondering." and she said, "stay away from it" and I laughed and stuttered, "I don't wann.. I.. Ha, I will". Yeah. My 2 aunts were crack addicts and once of them is okay now but shes moving down to where my other aunt lives and thats like this big crack town so I'd say shes gonna get addicted again. My family is big on drugs and Lyndons is big on alchohol. My dads an alchohilic. My stepdads a Drug Dealer. My whole damn family does pot. Yup, I have a messed family.But Lyndon understood, I guess we're the same. Same in alot of ways and different in alot of ways. Delainey said we should go out, she said we're perfect, ha. I went on another long wlak with her last night and we walked past Lyndon's house and he came out I was like, ah! And I started walking faster and Delaineys like, what are you doing?? And I kept walking. And I got to the corner and she's like, okay, let's go. And I was like, no, I wanna see him. So then he drove right past us and I went on MSN later and he said, "i saw u lol" but yeah. So now he DOES know what I look like.. meaning he DOES see me in school.. i told him the whole thing about me trying to speak to him in school but getting all shy. Delainey even said I tensed up. Cause when I started walking by his house, I like.. tensed up. And she's like, "jeez, your shy. look at you, your all tense". She's nver been shy, she wouldnt know. I have a bad case of it. So I told him hat and I said lol so he said lol. Yup, I'm gonna go to school now. Lyndon was sick yesterday so he didn't go. Bet he'll be there today..

Assimilated by punk4/insane0 at 3:12 AM
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Saturday, 18 September 2004

Cold
Now Playing: Cold [Crossfade]
Looking back at me I see that
I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you,
I'm always wrapped up in things I cannot win
You are the antidote that gets me by,
Something strong like a drug that gets me high

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
Never meant to be so

Cold to you, I'm sorry about all the lies,
Maybe in a different light,
You can see me stand on my own again
Cause now I can see
You are the antidote that got me by,
Something strong like a drug that got me high

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
Never meant to be so cold

I never meant to be, so cold

I never really wanted you see
The screwed-up side of me
That I keep locked inside of me so deep,
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me there's just no home;
I never meant to be so cold

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am (Is Im sorry for the way)
I never meant to be so cold
Never meant to be so cold

Assimilated by punk4/insane0 at 6:08 PM
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..nightmares
Mood:  not sure
Topic: bleeding black
That was so scary.. don't ever watch that. Blah. I'm not even gonna tell you the link. But my cousin Carlie told me to go tehre as soon as I get home, so I did and.. ahhh. It's scary! But anyway. So yeah, last night was crazy but it was fun and cooool.. these fireworkds went off and me and Delainey were right by them, at the school playground and all of a sudden, BOOM! And I grabbed the bar and I was like, "holy shit!" and we were just scared, it was funny. But yup.. I promised myself I WOULD say something to Lyndon and Carlie makes me beleive in myself.. so I don't see what's so hard about saying something to Lyndon. It has to be easy man. So I'm gonna do it.. Yup. Woohoo, I found the song I was looking for. I heard it on the radio today and I wrote down the lyrics and I know a website where u type in the lyrics and some songs wiht those lyrics, come up. but these lyrics are popular I geuss but I clicked a song and.. it's right!yeah! Mhmmmmmm.. I can relate to it. But alot of people can. It's just one of those kinda songs.. Alexisonfire concert soon. Well in about 12 days..? Yup, 12. And Carlie's going with me. Good good. So Darby and Nick are back together.. ah, good good. I like Nick. Darby treats all her boyfriends like shit and I feel sorry for the man she's gonna marry, ha. I'm never gonna marry. Have a boyfriend, sure. I want Lyndon.. Ah, yeah. Mmmkay well I think I'm gonna go. Good night.

Assimilated by punk4/insane0 at 6:08 PM
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Friday, 17 September 2004

..ahh
Mood:  chillin'
Topic: ..cracker!
WOOO i went for a walk with delainey and it was cool cool. but i really talked ot her aboutr everything. about EVERYTHING. i never realase that much info to people i just met.. evne though ive known her for 3 years but only on MSN and now i only know her cause i go to her school and shit and.. i spilled so much shit to her. but she didnt thinki was weird and.. shes MAKING me talk to Lyndon on monday, shes gonna push me over to him. ha, great. so yeah, we saw chris and junior and two otehr dudes and they were SOOOO stoned. it was ufnny, they couldnt stop lauhging and at first, chris yelled at us he said, "brittany! or jamie!or whatever ur name is!" and i thought it was junior caus hes the only one who calls me breittany.. but uhh gotta go. im sleepin over at carlies tonight and i gotta start packing. tell u more tomorrow. seeeee ya.

Assimilated by punk4/insane0 at 3:58 PM
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It turns out that Danielle didn't ever get my e-mail. SO I had to give her the link to it. So now she has read it ((finally)) and she said, "omg i'm so sorry". and she doesn't need to be sorry.. what's done is done. I said, "you don't have to be sorry, you don't need to be sorry and if your sorry, i already know your sorry". confusing? that's the way I am. So then I went on saying about how I am and how I don't know what I do to everyone cause I'm too selfish and that I was really sorry. Meh. So she said she was crying.. and I couldn't really beleive that but she's really emotional I guess? Or maybe she cares about me so much that she.. she couldn't take it? She said she cares about me and I mean too much to her.. I've never had anyone do that for me, nobody's ever cried for me. I've never had anyone care about me so much. And I've only saw her around.. back in G-town. I only saw her around.. and then we started talking on MSN all the time and it got to be like it is. Just then she said, "I jus want to be able to start over and jus...be friends". MEEEEE TOO! Yeah. So now that THAT is all sorted out ((I thought our friendship was gone down the drain)), I can complain about LYNDON. now, LYNDON.. ahaha I made him laugh. YAY! I MADE HIM LAUGH!! WOOT WOOT! That'sc ause I was yelling at this little kid cause I wanted his swing and Delainey was just standing tehre laughing and I was like, "give me ir swing! I want it dude!" and hes all, "I just got on!" and i said, "NOW UR GONNA GET OFF!!" and Lyndon was on the other swing and I glanced over and he was laughing. and I HEARD him.. such a lovely laugh.. a lovely smile.. I LOVE HIM! HE'S AWESOME! I have to say something to him at lunch. Wait this is lunch.. so I better bet going, man! Shit, I ahve to say something cause I promised Delainey..what'll I say?

Assimilated by punk4/insane0 at 7:08 AM
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