THE FACTS OF LIFE

TAKEN FROM RANDOM PLACES ON THE INTERNET AND FROM VARIOUS PEOPLE. I CLAIM NONE OF THESE AS MY OWN ON LESS OTHERWISE NOTED:

	lifes a beach, then u drown
	if everthing is comeing ur way u most be in the wrong lane
	u no it`s a bad day when u jump out of bed and miss the floor
	Anything is possible, just not probable.
	Fun is ur point of view
	Don`t drink and drive u might hit a bump and spill some.
	Don`t drink and park, acciedents cause people

	Birds of a feather flock together and shit on your car.
	Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree
	Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
	Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
	Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
	If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
	A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
	The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep
	Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark.
	Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
	Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
	Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
	if i don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
	The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
	Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
	Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
	Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
	Keep your words soft and sweet 'cause you never know when you'll have to eat 'em.
	Life is like a shower - one wrong move and your in hot water.
	Dead owls don't give a hoot.
	Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
	Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
	Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
	There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
	Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
	Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
	A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
	If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
	The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
	I can only please one person a day, and today doesn't look like your day...tomorrow doesn't look good, either.
	Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
	Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't go wrong at once.
	There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.
	The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
	Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
	When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
	If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
	There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.
	A closed mouth gathers no feet.
	Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
	The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
	The world isn't crazy, only 90% of it. The other 10% is certifiably insane.
	The pen stings worse than the sword, especially when you get ink in your eye.
	Politics is not an exact science, it s more like a sex ed. class
	Don't let the beaten dog see the stick, blind him with pepper spray first.
	No amount of political freedom will ever satisfy the hungry masses. Only McDonalds can do that.
	Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
	If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
	A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
	Never argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able tell the difference!
	If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there!
	Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
	Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
	No one is listening until you make a mistake.
	Indecision is the key to flexibility.
	You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
	Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
	Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
	Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
	Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
	Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
	Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
	If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
	All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
	If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
	Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
	The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to press on it.
	The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
	You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corollary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
	Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
	Keep a smile on your face. It would look funny anywhere else.
	Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
	The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
	Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
	Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
	Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
	Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
	Life is sexually transmitted.
	Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
	Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
	It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
	The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.