I guess this will go on this site since I wouldn't Xanga about this. Anyhow, I'm at work right now (December 13) and luckily I'm working the glass doors so I can sit and relax... well, kinda. My mind's still in a jumble and this has not been the best week for me. Right now I feel like crying. I'm trying really hard to keep it in, but it's difficult. I think I'm starting to tear, but luckily no one's around to notice. Not that they'd really notice anyway since everyone always says that I look depressed. I'm not sure how true that is, but most of the time I'm not sad or depressed... mostly stressed. Everyone keeps telling me to smile though... I guess my normal face looks like I'm depressed? I have no idea. My grandma always told me that I shouldn't frown cuz my face would permanently stay like that... I guess I frowned too much. Ha, anyhow I should really be reading for Sociology but to no avail... I can't concentrate. There's too much plaguing my mind as of late. I wish I could just disappear... like that Staind song (can't remember it right now though)... I dunno. There's so much to say that I don't even know where to even begin. Well, since I'm at work I guess I'll start there. Main point: Work is not enjoyable. I wish it was since this job is probably the most convenient for me, being at night and all... but for the most part negative aspects outweigh the positive ones. For one, I don't have the best relationships with my co-workers. Maybe my desire to make tight friends with the people I meet is putting my co-workers in a negative light, but they aren't the friendliest or nicest people to be around. A few are fine and seem like great people, but problem is we don't get together outside of work, really. I guess for the most part I don't mesh well with the people there. All of them are into partying and drinking and I'm just not feelin' that. I suppose that's why I can't really expose my true self to them... cuz they don't really make me feel comfortable around them. Man... I remember thinking how college would be the time when I would just be out there with no inhibitions and start out with a clean slate, but it seems to only be a repetition of high school. I'm still seen as the shy, boring girl. I'm okay with that though. If people get to actually know me and "read the book" so to speak instead of just basing their assumptions on the "cover" I can somewhat narrow down who's actually possible friend material. I mean after seeing how I am and still talking to me and accepting me for me... that's a compliment in itself. Cuz I mean I don't dress to impress. I mean I care about my appearance, but it doesn't take over my life. Unlike the rest of the slut congregation here at my college, I dress relatively conservatively. Anyhow, back to work... ha, I go off on tangents... but yah... the people at work. When I first started working there I had to job shadow some people and they were nice while working with them, but as soon as the job was over, they were like strangers to me. They didn't really acknowlege me or give me the time of day. It's quite different from my job at Macy's where I made quite a few friends within only a couple of months! True, I don't really keep in touch with them, but some close friends are better than none and better than a million acquaintances. Also, lately (I dunno if it's cuz of the whole Matt situation or what... that's a different story though...) I seem to get dirty stares from people and stuff. Tonight, for instance, I dunno the guy's name but when one of my co-workers asked me where I was working and I said I was working at one of the glass doors. Well, this guy in the back of us kinda slouched down to about my height and was all like mimicking me... not really in a playful way either. Then when I turned around to kinda glare at him he kinda stood back up really fast and was kinda smirking. I guess that was the culmination of me wanting to cry... the cherry on the top of a pile of ice cream...

I think this semester has definately taken its toll on me... both emotionally and physically. I learned that I can't possibly cater to everyone's needs, even though I try and want to. I also discovered that I can't ever let my guard down around some people. If I do, I end up getting hurt and feeling used. I don't exactly know what I want as of late, but it seems to be clear to me that I need some alone time to myself. After hanging out with Flea and Kim when they come back (assuming they have time to), I think I'll seclude myself to sort out my thoughts and feelings about everything...

Good Times

Mostly I'm an optimist. But my bad news still persists. I'm going on about my problems. What's wrong with our world today? It may sound funny, but I'll give you all my money and keep on going. Without a doubt! We had good times playing and saying, "Life is good. It could be better, but don't you dare give out!" I never thought I would make it this far by stumbling between every nightclub and bar. Every time I seem to catch my big break the man calls me up and says, "There's been a mistake." Who can I count on? What can I count on? Where should I turn to? Why should I be with you? From day to day I could get so depressed. I've never been someone to be oppressed. In my life when shit hits the fan I simply sit back and follow this plan.

I'm not nearly creative enough to come up with titles for all of my blogs. Most of them don't even have a point to them so there's no way I'll be able to condense all of my thoughts and feelings to a single word or phrase. Anyhow, this is my first day trying this thing. I made this cuz everyone I know has Xanga and sometimes I just don't want anyone to read my entries.

With all of that said, today was a pretty humdrum day. I should have got some studying done this afternoon after my one and only class for the day, but I really didn't feel like studying... not after I got my play critique back for my Theatre class. I did horribly... I got a D. A D for "Damn, I should have done better!" I don't see how I could have though. A couple people were arguing after class about how the syllabus was very vague in describing what she wanted to see in our play critiques. I totally agree. Her response to their arguments was that, "This is a writing intensive course and you should know what's expected of you..." Gimme a break! We're not mindreaders!! Oh well, after that I discovered that we were supposed to turn in some homework assignments that I wasn't aware of. Apparently on the few days that I actually was tardy, I missed the assignment she had given to write a plot summary of our play or something like that. After getting sideswiped by the mountain of work that was slowly beginning to pile up again in front of me, I walked back to my room. While walking, I thought of how I had such high hopes for this brand new college semester - I was going to try really hard to get straight A's, I was going to make new friends, I was going to be a part of the work force again, I was going to try to join some clubs, etc. As the semester rolls by, I find that my hopes are dwindling. Even though I'm trying to do my best in all of my classes, trying to make new friends, and working hard to earn some money, I seem to be loosing my grasp on things. Instead of getting a good grip on what I'm doing and being on the ball, I find myself drowning in a sea of things that need to be done. The homework never ceases, work's been a bitch, and there's just always something that needs to be done. I don't particularly like feeling lost, helpless, frustrated and stressed out. I need a break. I need some alone time. I need a vacation... before I explode! *sigh*