MORE SHIT
8.10.2003, 1030p Wow. Things still suck. I try to have a good outlook everyday, but things just don't look like they are getting better. I miss Patrick so much. I haven't seen him in weeks, not too mention I haven't talked to him in almost as long as I've seen him. Everyday, I just long to talk to him. To feel his arms around me again. That is my worst fear, that I'll never be able to feel his flesh again. I never thought that I would miss or long for a person this much. The part that hurst the most is knowing he feels the same way and there's not a damn thing that either of us can do about it. I long everyday just to be held as though I were in his arms. That makes me so sad. Because, what if. What if I try to wait, and I can't, and I fall in love with someone else. And then he gets out, and he wants to be with me again, or still or whatever, and I break his heart. I don't want to break his heart. I love him so much. But, what if that happens, and then he turns back to dope. Than I'll feel responsible. Like I feel responsible for this. If we would have just went the night before. Than it would have never happened. Or if we would have went the next night. Or if I had never gotten a connection through NJ. Nothing good ever comes out of NJ. Everyday I blame myself. I hate myself for it, and I feel like I should turn back to it. I hate it. It ruined my life. I lost my family. My home, my job. My love and my friends. My money. I lost so much to addiction. Anyone tangled up in it, its not worth it. It ruins your life. It tears everything apart. We learned the hard way. I have nothing and Patrick's in jail. I sometimes think, maybe I should just do something stupid like get caught or od, and it'll be easier. Jail or death. Yeah right. I'm stuck on the outside. It seems bizarre. Stuck on the outside. Its like, I'm the only one who can do anything. And it sucks. I have to try so so so so hard to just live each day to the next. This is the way the day goes. I get up, I think about Patrick and I think about dope. As the hours go by, I keep eating and eating because I finally have my appetite back. While I'm eating, I keep thinking about Patrick and dope. I think about Patrick because I love him so much and I want to help him. I keep thinking about dope because it still in a way rules my life. Its there everyday and I'm the only one who can keep it out of my life. It would be so easy to get some any day. But I can't. It would be so easy to get back into the habit. But I can't. It would ruin me even more and send me into even a deeper hell. Jimmy was doing morphine. My goddamn foot was broken and I didn't even do morphine. Praise the lord the pain pills helped my through my withdrawals. Every morning I woke up feeling like shit, but I popped a pain pill and I felt much better for the rest of the day. I would feel much better if I knew how long he was going to be in there. He's going crazy in there. His letters are almost scary. I'm looking forward to seeing him on Wednesday, but almost scared to see what he has become. I miss him. I love him. I feel like I need him, but, I don't know if I'll make it that long. I'm so scared that I can't do it. I pray everyday for him to be getting out soon and to have the strength to pull through and take care of my self. I want to make it. I want to be a survivor. I want us to survive together more than anything. I love you and miss you Patrick. I want us to be US soon.
7.8.2003, 1259p the times have hit their worst. we could not go any farther south than this. but, it can only get better from here. we are going to work our hardest right now. harder than we have ever ever worked before. but just because it is hard doesn't mean that we can't do it. the world is crashing down around us, but with our power together we CAN do anything and we WILL. patrick, i love you with all of my heart and every ounce of my being. nothing will ever tear us apart. i will work my entire life to make us happy. i love you. i love you. i love you. by the way, we're engaged y'all!
and for you non-believers, things will get better than they have ever been. everything will work out for the best.
I don't know anything anymore. Everyday is worse and worse. I feel like i can't talk to anyone anymote. I feel like absolutely no one is there for me. And i don't know what to do. i just unloaded everything and got close to no response. i don't knwo what anything means anymore. i said it, i said everything. that i just've just got some much botteled up inseide and i've just been thins little depressed like ball for so long and i don't know anymore. i don't know what to do about anything. i don't know how to take care of myself. i don't know where even to begin. i jsut don't know. and i feel ike li need help more than anything. i don't even want to i don't know.i just don't know. i just want out of myself almost. i want out of what i am stuck in. i don't know what i'm stuck in. i do n't know where to go. who to turn to. what to do. there isn't anyone anymore. i jut want someone. almost anyone to like.....hug me and never let go. ever. i just want someone to care forever.....i'm just so sad, all the time. i don't like it anymore.
1.13.2003, 1:48AM I don't know what to do anymore. Things are so so so so bizarre. So much different than they ever ever have been. I want to just cry but, than I'm focusing on me. It is wrong to focus on me. So wrong to focus on me. It always has been. It always will be. I wrote a poem:
And the lies, the lies, lies, lies, lies.
No gratitude, or respect.
All taken for granted.
The love, where did it go?
The girl, the car, the night.
Where were you really?
Coffee, you do not drink it.
And the noise, the noise, noise, noise, noise.
The hell, the hell I've lived for so long.
I want out, but I can't.
I try, but I don't understand.
I'll stay, one more day, but that will be too long.
Anyhow, things suck. Life sucks. All I want is love and to be cared for. This was it. One day, kitty, one day. Things will be perfect.
10.28.2002, 10:55PMI don't even know anymore and that's pretty much everything. I just kinda wish things were the way they were about 6 months ago. Though, things do seem to be getting a little bit better. Day by day they improve a bit. i think that things with pat have far improved. i think that i just need to concentrate on school work a lot. especially senior seminar. I can't believe dr. flint is being a complete dick this semester. he won't hesitate to give us d's and f's. What the fuck? Its like he gets a kick out of us not doing well. its not exactly the easiest thing in the world, especially for those of us not involved in the research part of psychology. Anyhow, if i go to bed now, i can get a bunch of sleep, which is a cool thing. so i'm gonna do that.
10.23.2002, 11:23 PM
Well, what the fuck. I dunno. I'm making another friggin page for some reason. Ah well. Things are only mediocre (i'm sure i spelled that wrong) at best. Things with pat are rocky as hell, but i'm sure they are working themselves out in some way. i mean, for christ's sake, we've been together for a year now, we're bound to have our problems. i think everything's gonna be ok. it's also weird, somehow i'm gonna end up here for 2 more years. i'm not gonna move. just gonna have to figure out how i'm gonna do this school thing come next august. i figure everything will be ok at some point. anyhow. classes suck. work sucks. life in general suck. but, i'm gonna take it slow. anyhow.....
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