Prose by PsHyCoHandles

Alright, I'm warning you here and now... a lot of my writing ISN'T PRETTY... if you're sure not to like angry, depressive, murderous, or pshychotic types of things, please turn back!! I will not kindly recieve any flames on the content of my writing. Also, if i find anyone has been copying, duplicating, or stealing ANYTHING off this page, you're gonna be in deep shit and I will have to remove this page to keep it from further happening. Are we clear? If so, read on, to your own discretion... [all prose you see here was written by me unless otherwise established] ~...even though i'd REALLY like to take down some of the poems i've written for past significant others, i won't because people say they're good. So Thomas, don't get mad!! Fleeting feelings leave lifelong memories...~ NEW FEATURE!! Instead of you trying to figure out what or who I'm writing about in each of my 'poems', I figured I'd just put it out there. It's easier for everyone that way. Enjoy!

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(untitled)[for Steve]

I look up at the stars,/ brightly shining in all their glory,/ thinking of you./ How helpless you feel,/ how totally alone you think you are./ Have you ever looked at the stars?/ Maybe you've looked,/ but you've never really seen them./ Do you know they shine for you,/ and everything you are?/ I see how much you're hurting,/ just like I have./ All the pain bottled up inside you,/ and you don't know/ what to do with it./ I've come to help you,/ because I know what it's like./ I know how hard it is,/ how minute your life seems./ But don't throw it away;/ you're more valuable than you think./ You're worth more than your weight in gold./ Take my hand, dear friend/ and I'll stand by you,/ and help you down your road./ Nothing is in vain./ Believe in the gem that you are,/ shine brighter than the stars/ that burn for you,/ and your darkness/ will consume you no more.

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Always (written by Julia P.)

Sometime's it's too quiet/ All alone while surrounded by crowds/ Part of everything, part of nothing/ Always in pieces but always hole/ Does anyone know?/ Does anyone care?/ Why is it we're all so different?/ Yet completely the same./ It scares me that I can't feel/ it terrifies me that I can./ There are so many things I'll never be/ and so many things I am./ Does it make sense?/ Will it ever?/ Why is it the sun shines/ but there's always stormy weather?/ Love in hate,/ hate in love,/ sadness in laughter,/ tears in joy./ Never ending,/ always frozen./ Dying again and again/ while breathing for eternity./ I wish it made sense/ but I love the confusion./ I long for the silence,/ yet the noise is my home./ Circles never end,/ but they always do./ Everything and nothing,/ all and emptiness,/ forever and never,/ throughout time,/ Always.

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Agonized [for my dad]

Fuck you, bitch/ I'm not taking your shit anymore./ I'm done sitting around./ I'm gonna get up and slap you./ Make you realize/ what you put me through/ every day/ with your fits of rage/ while you lay the blame on me./ I can't take it anymore/ I won't stand for it anymore/ I'll die before I go through it again/ or I'll kill you/ trying to shut you up./ I tried to stand it,/ I really did./ But you pushed me/ one too many times./ Get ready to die, bitch/ my finger is on the trigger./ Get ready to die, bitch/ I've got my rope./ Get ready to suffer/ as I torture you/ just like you did to me./ You'll be in pain for years,/ just like I was./ You won't have a chance,/ just like I didn't./ Shut up,/ I'm not talking to you!/ Sit down,/ or I'll smack you again!/ Stop talking or I'll stab you again!/ Shut up,/ or I'll torture you again!/ I can't take your shit/ I've had enough./ I won't let you do it anymore./ I'm the one in charge now, bitch./ How do you like it?/ How do you like being hit/ and stabbed/ and choked/ and kicked/ and tortured?/ How do you like it, bitch?!/ You had your turn,/ now it's mine./ Shut up and stuff it,/ like you forced me to do./ Be quiet and close your eyes,/ and get ready to die, bitch./ Let's see how YOU like it!/ It's not so fun,/ is it, bitch?/ Not fun to be tortured, huh?!/ Scream and yell/ and I hit you/ and stab you./ Cry and wail/ as I slowly kill you./ Now do you understand?/ Now do you see what you've put me through?!/ No, because I'm not done!/ You're only half way through!/ You've still got time to suffer/ and suffocate/ just like I did!/ Shut up or I'll slit your throat!/ Oh, I already did./ Oh well,/ better for me./ Want more?/ Ready for more?/ I'm not done with you yet;/ sit down and suffocate/ just like I did;/ Curl up and cry/ just like I did;/ Look up and scream/ just like I did;/ And see how you like it/ being tortured to death/ slowly.../ drying all alone.../ cold creeping.../ agonizing...

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Beyond Words [for my dad]

You make me bleed/ you make me cry/ you corner me with no escape./ I hate your guts/ I can't stand your face/ you disgust me beyond words./ I hate living with you,/ I hate listening to you,/ I hate dealing with you,/ I hate every part of you./ I wish you would go off and die/ just go and die;/ you hurt me beyond words./ I can't explain/ how much I hate you./ I can't put into words/ how much you disgust me./ Look at me cry/ and bleed/ lying naked on the floor./ Cold as ice,/ consumed by hate,/ I wish i could kill you,/ and be rid of your cursing presence./ Pushing me to the edge/ I wish i were dead/ forever.../ Never having to put up with you ever again./ I want to kill you/ drag you to the grave with me./ I hate you.......

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Blind By Dawn (written by Allen)

The man with his eyes swollen shut can still feel the sun on his face from inside his shell that's become his personal hell. He waits forever just to die and rot away while maggots eat him from the inside out. 'Any minute the beat will stop,' he thinks, as he fades to black, hoping never to return again. When the moon dies and the morning washes all your sins away, you'll still be blind at dawn and you'll be dead by dusk. The man hanging from a tree takes his final breath while he comforts in the darkness, praying in the morning that the reaper came last night; but the only sound he can hear are the screams inside his head, the voices that torment for ages. Silently he bides his time for a time never to come; forsaken.

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Bloodstained [for my dad]

You make me so angry,/ this is hell on earth./ You can't understand me,/ and you never try to./ You push me in a corner,/ and think I won't be hostile./ You're so blind,/ you can't see what's right in front of you./ I hate you so much;/ I want to be free of you./ Away from this hellish place/ you like to call 'home'./ You think you can control me?/ Well, fuck you./ I'm tired of your shit./ I'm tired of you./ Just fuck off/ and leave me be./ Because I feel so mad,/ I feel so angry,/ I feel so callused./ I feel so cheap,/ so used unfaithful./ You've lost me forever./ Leave me alone...

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Broken

What's wrong with me today?/ Everyone's after me./ They taunt and laugh,/ and I can only stand./ Why can't I fight it today?/ They bother me more than usual./ It seems I'm paranoid,/ No defense./ They like to hurt me./ Why am I so vulnerable?/ I just stare into nothing,/ cold eyes blank,/ so fragile./ The wind blows,/ I'm thrown to my knees./ They laugh,/ I'm sprawled on the ground./ A single tear falls across my face/ and evaporates as it hits the floor./ They're all around me,/ Laughing,/ and I don't have the strength/ to get up/ or fight back./ So I just lie here/ Tormented/ And wait.

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Calling [for Thomas]

In my hour of darkness,/ in my time of despair/ I had nothing left/ not a shred of self left./ I was hopeless,/ Helpless./ And I called,/ frantically;/ I called/ for help, for reprieve;/ I called/ for someone/ to take me away;/ I called/ for an angel;/ I called/ and you came./ You came to me/ like the dove after my flood,/ like the rainbow/ after my ongoing storm./ And you seized me/ and held me/ and sheltered me/ under your great wings;/ and softly, softly/ touched my heart,/ healed my wounds,/ awakened me/ from my never-ending darkness./ You shed light/ on my black world,/ and carried me,/ because I was broken,/ Inside and out./ I was blank,/ consumed./ And you came/ and saved me./ I called for you,/ and you came to me/ and brought me into this/ ring of pure and endless light/ that is your love.

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Cold [for ... me?]

Curling up in my corner,/ crying once again,/ shivering fatally.../ I'm so cold./ Coldness in my soul,/ black ice creeping/ to every part of my body./ The weather ouside is scorching,/ yet I am freezing./ Cold like no other/ that will never go away./ I feel death/ trying to bloom inside me/ but I fight it/ as long as I can./ Curled up in your arms/ please make the cold go away.../ I'll freeze to death,/ though I breathe for warmth./ You feel so warm/ against my skin/ I wish I could stay like this/ Forever,/ and never have to go back/ to the coldness/ I know only too well./ Please don't let go of me...

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Corrupt Destruction [for ... me?]

Trees and brush set afire/ buildings and houses burning down;/ destruction all around./ I stand in the middle,/ wind blowing my hair fiercely/ and I smirk/ in a sick sense of satisfaction./ Happy to hear the screams/ Happy to see the flames/ Happy to feel deaths presence/ Happy to smell blood/ Happy to think it was me/ who brought it on./ I close my eyes/ and grin psychoticly.../ and laugh,/ head thrown back,/ arms extended,/ as the wind billows around me/ and screams ring in my ears/ and I look once more/ upon deaths perfect picture/ and I escape into my mind/ and fall to the floor/ and I am satisfied;/ my Soul has found its place.

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Crazy?

Sitting on the porch/ smoking my ciggarette/ a thousand thoughts/ swimming through my mind/ making so much noise/ I'm oblivious to my surroundings/ I've cleaned the whole house/ my hands are restless/ It's amazing how the man/ sitting across the street/ can't hear my screaming thoughts/ Suddenly I realize/ how quiet it is/ is the noise really just in my head?/ I thought the whole world could hear/ my foot won't stop tapping/ I keep moving my hands/ the thoughts won't quiet/ but strangely/ they make no outward noise/ They just riot in my head/ never ceasing/ threatening to deafen me/ with their silent screams/ shouts only I can hear/ cries that have no sound/ Am I just crazy?

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Cut [for me]

So depressed/ Cut my flesh/ Cut, Cut, Cut/ 'till the blood seeps out/ taste the coppery blood/ my skin raised white/ Cut, Cut, Cut/ blood pouring now/ get the wet cloth/ wipe the blood/ my life in red/ tie the bandana/ stop the bleeding/ feel scars form/ my open wounds/ pulsing with pain/ no feeling/ tears streaming/ face wet/ cry out.../ useless./ The pain stays./ Trapped in my body,/ not big enough to hold it/ yet too big in my eyes./ No redemption/ the rain in my head/ pours out of my eyes/ no way to stop/ want to die/ lie down and die/ close my eyes and die/ make it go away/ make it go away/ I cannot live with this/ I have no tomorow/ I cannot see/ through this violent thunderstorm/ I cry out/ weeping/ no way out/ my lifes light is dim/ I never meant to fade/ please/ just make it go away.../ but you cant possibly.../ you don't give a shit/ lost in your little world/ too busy for mine./ Just cant get over it/ blindly searching/ for what, not knowing/ so incredibly desperate/ more and more tears/ not capable of a smile/ no feeling/ cant see through/ so desperate/ please help me.......

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Darker Than Black

You broke my heart once already/ and dimmed my soul in the process./ I could only piece it together again./ You come back, and take it from my hands,/ still bruised and broken./ You say you will fix it,/ and make it better,/ and I believe you./ Cold and shivering,/ I lean on you,/ and trust in you,/ even though you broke the trust/ once before./ You start to nurture my broken heart,/ and my soul begins to brighten/ with a glimmer of hope./ And then you raise it high above your head,/ and throw it to the ground,/ shattering it like thin glass/ into millions of pieces./ An evil smirk on your face,/ you crush the broken pieces with your foot./ You watch me scream,/ twitching and curling up in pain./ You see me hurting,/ dying again,/ and you smile./ It gives you pleasure/ to watch me die./ Totally in your control./ Dying slowly./ For Eternity.

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David [obviously...]

When I look at you/ all I see is beauty./ Seeing your face/ makes me want to smile./ My heart is wrapped in warmth/ even when I think of you./ I feel I cannot tell you these things,/ for fear of what you'll say;/ or lack thereof./ I never want to loose you,/ and though I'm scared to say it,/ I love you./ You've woken me up,/ and taken me in your arms./ If you let go I'll fall;/ please just hold me,/ and I'll be yours forever./ I'd do anything/ just to fall asleep with you,/ just to hold you,/ just to stay with you./ Just stay with me...

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Death? [for me]

Would it really be so bad?/ Would I really be missed?/ Wouldn't it be better than this?/ I just want to die,/ and never have to put up with this shit./ I just can't deal anymore;/ I'm trapped,/ boxed in./ Nowhere to turn,/ no one to comfort me,/ no place to run to,/ not anywhere/ or anyone/ that will accept me anymore./ Death is the problem,/ death is the solution./ Take me now,/ or I might do it myself./ ANYTHING to get out here,/ to get away from here./ Run away or die,/ and never come back...

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Drown [for me]

Maybe I should just/ stop loving./ Every time I give my heart away,/ it gets crushed./ It's been broken so many times,/ once more couldn't hurt,/ Right?/ Wrong./ I'm dying inside./ Can't you see?/ Can't you see the bandages,/ the bleeding,/ the scars?/ My heart is empty,/ void of all feeling except pain,/ crying silently,/ drowning.

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Eat The Bullshit [for me and my parents]

No more screaming/ no more crying/ eat their bullshit/ and spit it out/ when they turn thier backs./ Get the A,/ fling it in their face/ walk away./ The time to sulk is over./ I'm so desperately tired of crying./ I feel I could never cry again,/ but I have more tears/ that want to be shed daily/ just as before./ Just oblige their minimum,/ and go on my way./ It's easy./ Eat their bullshit,/ Spit it back out./ Look out for #1./ Lecture me all you want,/ I've heard it a thousand times before./ Take everything away 'till I'm perfect./ Perfect grades, perfect behavior,/ perfect, perfect./ You'll have your perfect./ I'll wear it as a mask/ and smash it the first chance I get./ Eat their bullshit,/ Spit it back out.../ Are we done here?

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Enraptured [for justin]

I sense you staring at me/ and I become nervous./ What do you see?/ I stare back into your eyes/ and see deep wells of.../ something. I'm not sure./ Emotion?/ Sensuality?/ I don't know the words./ My heart pounds in my chest;/ I want to grin and cry/ all at once./ You have done something to me/ I can't explain./ It pains me to hear you reject me/ because I think I am falling for you./ Too hard,/ too fast./ Just like always./ Fear tembles in my heart;/ will you hurt me?/ No doubt I'm setting myself up./ Just like always./ Yet I just cant bring myself/ to tear away from you./ You enchant me/ in an odd way./ I itch for you to touch me again/ look into my eyes once more/ yet .../ yet I am afraid./ I sit here, alone/ typing at my computer/ unable to sleep,/ caught in your trance./ Your face cannot be wiped from my mind./ You render me speechless.../ I have no words;/ I am a deer in your headlights./ So afraid.../ not willing to let go./ Would I be out of line/ if I said I miss you?/ but I need you to know/ that I care/ and I miss you.

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Facade [for me]

I just need this to be alright/ blinded by my demented reality./ Nothing is as you see it;/ light is dark,/ colors are bland./ I cant remember normal,/ insane is what I live./ Stretched beyond my means,/ I feel like I'm about to implode,/ eaten alive by myself./ Nothing is what it seems./ Nothing is what it seems...

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Flaming Utopia [for me]

I turn the blade in my hand;/ how beautiful it is./ I remember it across my skin,/ and how the blood flowed/ so freely, so gracefully./ I long to use it/ just once more/ and cut the anger out./ Bleed and bleed and bleed/ all over my pale skin./ How relaxing it is/ to watch the blood,/ life flowing out of me./ My heart would pound,/ my mind would race;/ but enjoy the pain,/ the comforting pain./ I run my finger over the blade,/ remembering all this./ So upset to have lost it,/ so desperate to have it back./ The calming utopia/ of my flaming inferno,/ in which i will be burned alive.

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For Billy [obviously...]

I sit here and listen to stories of you/ And wonder why I couldn't have been in on it too./ I wish I'd been there for you,/ but now you're gone./ What's done is done,/ and I can only long./ You joke and laugh,/ I sob and cry./ I wish I could have joked along,/ remembering memories long gone./ Instead I sit here with an empty head/ wising I'd taken the initiative/ to be your friend./ But now you're gone,/ and I'll never really know/ just how wonderful of a person/ you really were./ Now I sit and contemplate/ memories that are not mine./ Burning them into my mind,/ making them mine./ The tears will not stop flowing,/ the hurt will not stop coursing./ Your name will live on, Billy;/ as sure as the sun will rise,/ as strong as the wind can blow./ We love you, Billy,/ and that's the truth./ You'll live on in our hearts,/ Forever engraved.

~We love you, Billy. Rest In Peace.~

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Forsaken

Laying in my bed/ tears streaming down my face/ Why isn't my brain normal?/ Why is bleeding/ my demented paradise?/ I feel so alone,/ like standing in a crowd/ screaming myself hoarse,/ and no one even turns./ No one cares./ My wings are broken,/ Useless./ I'm sure there's someone/ who can love me./ Isn't there?/ I'm so confused,/ So lost/ So helpless.../ Won't you help me?/ Won't you take me into your arms/ and love me/ and protect me?/ No, of course not./ My knife is my only redemption./ Because no noe sees me./ Another hopeless child,/ Forsaken.

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Hate [for my dad]

I hate you so much/ I want to fucking KILL YOU/ the pain is unbearable/ I hate you/ you shove me into walls/ and smack me around/ and I can't fight back/ you think you can control me/ I hate you so much/ I'LL KILL YOU/ eat my fucking shit/ fucking asshole/ I can't stand you/ I'll fucking KILL YOU/ I'll run away/ and never come back/ packing my things/ swallowing these pills/ I need to get out/ don't look at me/ don't come near me!/ don't fucking touch me/ I HATE YOU.........

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Hell [for linzy]

I see you hurting/ crying in unbelievable pain/ I recognize it,/ I feel it too./ I want to hurt them/ for making you feel bad/ I want to see you happy./ I would take your pain away/ if I could./ I can't stand to hear you cry./ They don't know you, or me./ They act like they can help/ but they don't know./ They don't understand./ They need to go away/ and leave us alone./ They don't understand.../ Need to get away from them,/ the little minions of hell.

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Her Name is America

She walks with pride, head held high/ Her straight blonde hair flows with grace,/ Her blue eyes like shallow pools of water./ She talks to you, but ever so little/ Just enough to make her look good./ You're not as good as her,/ And you never will be./ She has lots of money,/ But on the inside she's poor./ She sleeps with everyone,/ But gives no one her heart./ She has little morals,/ But very high standards./ She thinks she's a person of God,/ But her actions tell otherwise./ She's slender and pretty,/ With all the latest fashions,/ But on the inside/ Who can love her empty heart?

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Her Name is Darkness

The day holds no secrets/ The sun always shines/ nothing escapes her gaze/ boring into you/ Her eyes follow you/ walking down the street/ penetrating into your mind/ But the sun has its time/ and she slowly sinks beyond view/ slipping away to spy elsewhere/ The moon comes up/ and turns her eyes away/ the darkness of night/ covers you like a cloak/ hiding you from prying eyes./ Her deep stillness comforts/ and hampers things/ the sun has left behind/ and for a short glorious while/ I am free./ The moon and I have our agreement/ we shant tell each other's secrets/ for the night is silent as a tree/ only smiling with knowing eyes/ never telling what she sees/ I am free to roam/ my heart is content/ wrapped in her cloak/ that makes me invisible/ We nod our acknowledgements/ as she slowly sinks away/ We will meet again soon/ and share our memorable time.

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Him

The earth glowed frost white/ and sapphire blue./ Civilians of every town and city/ bustling along with their lives,/ oblivious to emminent peril./ Somewhere among the stars,/ an evil eye gazed upon this picture,/ replaying its future destruction/ in his psychotic mind./ He moved closer to his target,/ and began to imagine./ Imagine death,/ screaming horror,/ crimson blood,/ fragments of life./ The anger built in his mind/ as he stared at the earth,/ teeth clenching,/ fists balling,/ eyes becoming slits./ And as his anger reached its peak,/ he thrust it from his mind/ towards the unknowing target./ Closer, ever closer,/ almost like sparkling magic,/ it hit the earth./ Glowing with radiance,/ the earth paused.../ Then exploded with such force/ it thrust him back./ HE stopped,/ looked at the once-beautiful earth,/ now barely more than fragments,/ and smirked in satisfaction./ His anger served its purpose./ He turned,/ and flew into the stars,/ darkness overcoming his soul/ forevermore.

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Home [there's a pizza place in Annapolis called Piezanos, and it was the hit local spot on the weekends, that is until they got busted big itme cuz people were givin drugs and alcohol to underaged people. anyhow, i used to go there every weekend until this dirty drunk mexican sexually harassed me and 2 of my friends and we had to take him to court and after that my parents didnt want me going there anymore, but of course being the person i am i lied to them about where i was going and soon enough i was back in the scene. i wrote this when i got home from my first night back.]

Fire coursing through my veins/ pulsing to the bass of the music/ throbbing harder each second.../ this is the form my anger chooses to take./ Standing in the crowd/ heads bobbing/ ears ringing/ the music is all that matters./ Throw yourself into the pit,/ thrash and shove./ Nothing else matters./ Look in the mirror/ a hundred different faces/ staring back at you./ The anger takes over.../ punch the mirror./ Screw reflections./ Bloody hand.../ back in the pit.../ the fire in my veins pours out/ with the blood on my hand...../ your head bobs to the beat of the bass/ close your eyes/ feel the music./ No, really FEEL the music./ You become part of it./ The fire burns in my veins/ the blood drips from my hand.../ sweat and ciggarettes taint the air;/ love the familiar smell./ Be comforted,/ sweet child,/ for you are home...

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If You Knew [for ... anyone?]

If you knew it would be the last time I spoke to you,/ would you have stayed on the phone longer?/ If you knew it would be the last meal I ate,/ would you have cooked something special?/ If you knew it would be the last time I saw you,/ would you call me back for one more hug?/ If you knew it would be my last day,/ would you indulge me?/ If you knew it would be the last time I fell asleep,/ would you tuck me in tighter?/ If you knew I would never wake up,/ would you cry?/ If you knew me like you think you did,/ would I still be alive?/ If you knew you could make me happy,/ would you try?/ If you knew I had loved you,/ would you have loved me back?/ If you would have loved me,/ cared for me,/ been there when I needed you,/ I wouldn't be dead./ I'd still be alive,/ to see the beauties of tomorrow,/ if you only knew.

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In Dreams I Live [me]

She pulled the blankets over her, and curled into a fetal position beneath them. She cried silently, tears streaming down her face, anguish and pain coursing through her. Finally she slept, however uneasily. She awoke in her coarse dream world, and uneasily stood, thinking, "Not again..." Slowly she began to walk, warily looking for any sign of danger; but it was as if she was blind.... A pulsing black THING sprang at her, choking her, beating her. She threw her arms up to shield herself, but to no avail. Flung to her knees, she cried out... and the blackness was gone, almost as if the sound of her voice banished it. Gasping for breath, she tentatively looked up. Seeing nothing, she gathered herself to her feet, and began walking again. Once again, though, as if she was blind, she didn't notice the next thing until it was upon her. Blood red this time, she had scant time to gasp before it began whipping her, cutting her.... Slashes appeared all over her body, her clothing torn, her arms once again flung up to protect her, and once again to no avail. The torture continues, blood pouring now from open wounds, the only flesh visible bruised. Of a sudden, it all stopped, and the absence of noise rang in her ears. She began to walk again... and she saw her lover, sitting, bent over something, his hands working. Cautiously, she walked to him. Feeling her presence, he looked up, and smiled at her. He stood and faced her, her heart eased at the sight of his beautiful face and the body she knew would protect her, and held out his masterpiece - a beautiful necklace. She smiled as he slipped it over her head and rested it on her neck. His smile turned into a sadistic grin, and the necklace turned into to a noose, as she is dragged into the air. He laughed at her, clawing at the 'necklace,' desperate for the breath of air that never came. Pain worse than her tourture bled from her heart. She saw the amusement on her lover's face, the one she trusted so.... Gasping for breath, bolt upright, sweat pouring off her body.... Was it all really just a horrifying dream? She looks herself over quickly... and nearly gags when she sees white scars and multi-coloured bruises.... She curls up in a fetal position once more, eyes wide open, not daring to sleep, for fear of the Nightmare... a solitairy tear falls from her eye as the realization sets in that even in dreams, she may not escape the torment her heart endures.

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Last Moment [me]

Pale white mist rises/ Think red blood falls/ Death creeps over me/ A cold blanket/ Vision fading to darkness/ My body fails me/ Eyes open wide/ One glistening tear/ Falls from my pain-filled eye/ One last sob/ Breath stops short/ Warmth leaves/ Body becoming like frosty ice.../ Dead.

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Lord's Prayer (written by Erin)

Lord, please help me / make it through the day/ I don't know what to do/ Or what else I can say/ Yes, I cut myself today/ I guess you already know/ But, Lord, I did it in a place/ where it will never show/ I'm not feeling well today, Lord/ I'm always just so sad/ But it's been a really long time/ Since things have been this bad./ I'm fighting with my dad, Lord/ And some friends, too/ These may be some reasons why I'm feeling pretty blue./ Lord, please help me/ With your strength/ I can't go on/ Please, give me what I need, Lord/ To keep telling people/ "Nothings wrong...."/ I know that I have sinned, Lord/ And I hope you will forgive./ But, it seems without this knife, Lord/ I just can not live.

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Make It Right

Why can't you see/ what you do to me?/ Why can't you see/ the pain you cause?/ It's not important to you,/ so you don't care./ You just step on my neck/ so you can get HER./ Why?/ Is it really necessary?/ And now you're upset with ME/ because she broke up with you./ Why?/ You're just rediculous./ And yet.../ I still have feelings for you./ But it hurts/ knowing I may have/ lost your friendship./ It hurts so much.../ And I hate it.../ I hate that it's my fault,/ I hate that I can't fix it,/ I hate I may have lost you,/ I hate it all./ And I wish I could/ take back everything/ and have it just like it was.../ make it right...

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Moving On [for John... you'll always be like a brother to me]

I never believed them/ when they said friends dont last./ I never thought/ you'd turn on me./ I couldn't fathom/ being without you./ But you didn't last,/ you turned on me,/ and now I'm alone./ What was going through your head?/ I know I don't deserve it,/ but I feel at fault./ I hope one day you'll learn/ to think for yourself,/ and make an effort/ to protect those who care for you./ There are those who say/ best friends can become strangers./ I finally understand it./ It will be hard without you./ I'll question everything,/ I'll feel totally alone./ If this is what you want,/ I can't change it./ Just please know/ you will always be in my heart.

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My Place [obviously...]

I break away from the crowds/ to sit alone in my corner/ and slip into my mind./ I wander aimlessly,/ enjoying the soft patter/ of my depressive rain/ fall over my body./ In this place no one may come,/ for it is Mine./ My very own Place./ No one understands my Place,/ but I love it anyway;/ it's Me./ For a moment I am alone,/ but I like it./ This Place is good to be alone in./ If anyone else were to venture here,/ its beauty would be ruined./ I walk along in my rain,/ and gaze upon the things in my mind./ They seem so far,/ yet so near./ I feel safe here./ This is my Home./ Someone calls my name,/ and my eyes snap open,/ and I am pulled from my Place./ I venture out/ and follow the leader,/ back into the crowds,/ in which I will be lost Forever.

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My Sarah

My tears are all gone,/ but my heart still aches./ I walk through the day,/ but my mind is elsewhere./ How will I go on/ without you by my side?/ It seems pointless./ I miss you so much already./ I look back at the empty seat behind me,/ My heart sinks./ Even though I know you're better off,/ it's litle consolance./ I start writing you a note,/ then I remember I can't give it to you./ I will only put more effort into our friendship;/ I will not lose you./ These words mean nothing;/ Nothing can explain/ my feelings for you./ This prose is useless,/ yet it is not./ A starburst without its wrapper,/ the chain is stunted./ A superhero without her sidekick,/ I am incomplete.

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Naked [for me, about me, whatever]

And now I'm in my bed again/ Naked under these blankets/ because that's exactly how I feel/ Naked/ without a sense of being/ I feel so empty/ There's so much missing/ yet too much to contain/ The things I can control/ are the things I fail at/ The people I love/ are the people who leave me/ The innocent heart I had/ is the heart destroyed by me/ the heart destroyed by you/ the heart that can never find peace/ This emptiness inside/ is the overflowing despair/ I try to cover my nakedness/ but who can hide from themselves?/ I cannot conceal my broken soul/ shattered into pieces/ I cannot conceal my bleeding heart/ ripped and torn to shreds/ all because I'm naked/ I cannot find myself/ yet it is myself I run from/ I cannot find the words/ yet they overflow from my lips/ I cannot hide my naked body/ I cannot cover my naked soul/ Though it is my nakedness/ that defines me.

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One Brief Moment [??]

For one brief moment,/ everything's okay./ One brief moment,/ it's a gorgeous play./ A play of happiness,/ and that of bliss;/ scripts of hypocrisy/ and ignorance./ This is when it all goes wrong/ fading away,/ loud and strong./ Suicidals attempting death,/ Cutting wrists or snorting meth./ This is the world I live in,/ my life is weak,/ stretched and thin./// Lyrics pounding in my ears/ smoking weed and downing beers./ This is what's presented to me/ in a world that promotes me 'free.'/ I wanna make my own life,/ not cut it with the media's knife./ A knife that shreds, cutting and slicing,/ pushing my nerves with its inticing./ This is why I must write down/ the things inside that I have found./ I hate those people who tell me what to do;/ trying to make me them anew./ I wanna show what I an inside,/ and not have them for me decide./ Let me live on my own;/ I am not what you have known.

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Parallel Universe [for justin]

Staring off into space/ a blank look upon my face./ My head is spinning,/ my mind is blank,/ tuning out everyone's voices./ My imagination is running...../ A moonlit ocean;/ waves lapping at my feet;/ gentle breeze blows my hair;/ I feel you standing behind me;/ wrapping your arms around my waist;/ never smiling,/ never frowning;/ my happiness is not expressed,/ though it is well known./ I break your grip,/ and run into the sea,/ diving into the perfect blue...../ The image blurs/ and I lean out of my trance./ This reality is dissapointing,/ my mind is much more free./ I sink back into my mind,/ to live through more scenes,/ lost in my parallel universe.

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Perpetual Bliss [it's sad... i dont remember who i wrote this for...]

I look at you,/ my tongue is paralized./ I kiss you,/ and my heart stops./ Your head lies in my lap,/ and I am overcome./ Every part of you gives me joy,/ as you provide my soul with/ perpetual bliss./ I can't explain/ the feelings I have for you./ They're confusing,/ yet they make so much so much sense./ Only a whisper in my head,/ a shout in my soul./ My brain hates it,/ my heart loves it,/ every part of me devours it./ Though I know you love me,/ I fear rejection./ I feel you know me,/ though you don't./ The taste of your lips/ satisfies the craving,/ though only momentarily./ Containing the icy hole/ with glowing warmth.../ you fill the void.

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Preserve Me [me?]

Lying in my bed/ staring into darkness/ so tired sleep won't come./ Thinking, imagining/ seeing my ice-covered wilderness/ I know only as my mind./ No matter what medicines I take/ no matter how much I go to therapy/ no matter what anyone says or does,/ my depression can never be extinguished./ Cover it up,/ pretend as if it isn't there,/ but it is./ It always will be./ And it's all your fault/ for treating me like you have./ Treating me like I'm nothing,/ like I have no mind./ But I do fight back./ I'm not eating your shit anymore./ And no matter how much/ I want my ice-covered wilderness/ to turn into a blossoming forest,/ it stays./ Nothing will change it./ All I have is you,/ all I have to keep me sane/ and alive./ Love me, care for me/ and I will stay by your side./ Just don't forsake me,/ as they have done,/ and I will be preserved.

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Prison Cell [anyone?]

My eyes are closed,/ but I am not blind./ I'm not ahead,/ but never far behind./ If I leave my prison,/ and live in my dreams,/ I'll stand out in the open,/ balancing on the beams./// Shut up, bitch, you can't tell me what to do./ I'll do that I want to./ You don't even know me/ or what I go through./ So don't tell me/ what I can and can't do./ Just because you're older than dirt/ doesn't mean you know everything./ You have no idea./ No clue what goes through my head/ or the things I have to deal with./ You're not me; you don't know./// You try to hold me in this prison/ and control my every move./ You're so clueless,/ you don't know I've got a plan out./ I'll bust out of this cell/ then you'll be left/ to stare at my footprints/ while I'm out on my own,/ fugitive to my own family./// All it'll take it another fight/ to snap my last nerve/ and I'll be out;/ I don't give a damn./ You can't control me forever./ Wait and see./ Just blink,/ and I'll be gone before you know it.

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Prisoner [anyone?...i wrote it when i was in the hospital]

I curl up/ in this unfamiliar bed/ and my soul cries./ I am trapped in this place,/ and though I feel safe,/ I long to be home./ I long to be with my friends./ I feel so alone/ in these cold hospital rooms/ and my heart weeps./ When will I be free?/ It's seemed like an eternity already./ I tell you I am fine,/ nothing is wrong./ But I lie so I will be able to leave./ I will always be sad,/ I will always be angry./ You cannot change that./ You make it worse by locking me up./ I cannot live here,/ I am dying./ I cling to my blanket/ as a chill runs up my spine./ I am your prisoner...

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Puppet Show (written by Sarah #2)[about herself]

If only I could let go, let go of all things weighing me down/ Let go of the careless, let go of the loveless, let go of the pain/ The pain that is not really pain that I get from this home that is not a home, just a house/ The pain that can't be pain, there are no bruises or open wounds/ Only scars left deep down in a place unseen in a place not understood/ The understanding that can't be achieved of the me who is not me, just a puppet/ How can I be expected to be myself in a place where I am ridiculed?/ There can be no real me here like there can be no real love in a heart for me/ No love for the puppet that wants to be her own puppeteer, no not even that, just a person/ Me as myself with no demands of unachievable successes/ No worries of what consequences may come in this life that is not a life,/ Just a puppet show.

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Ready To Die

Ready to die,/ I'm ready to fall./ Fall into this endless/ bottomless hole/ created by me/ All this shit/ feels like too much.../ Ready to die/ Oh, so ready.../ Don't care what I gain/ don't care what I lose/ It's all the same/ when you feel like this/ Doesn't make sense/ Doesn't fit in/ Tear down what you've made/ Build up a brick wall/ Stay away, you bastards,/ you don't know me at all/ Fill up your cup,/ it's half empty again./ Life sucks,/ life bites/ but live with it/ until you can't anymore/ I hate this crap/ and what it does to us/ tearing us down/ like a pile of shit.

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Reality [me?]

Houses and trees burned all around. People screaming, glass shattering, destruction's home. She stood in the centre of the hell-fire chaos, calm and still, gazing upon death's perfect picture. Screams rang in her ears, and she began to giggle. It built into insane laughter. She threw her head back, throwing her arms out, and blood poured from the open wounds on her wrists. A ruby-red light like fire coursed through her body, and she trembled violently from head to toe. The light shot towards the sky, as her sacrifice was brought to the heavens. An agonizing roar came from her throat. Suddenly the light vanished, and her crippled body fell to the ground. Her eyes open wide, her body shaking, she took her last breath among her perfect, demented reality.

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Relinquish [me]

Weeping and sobbing/ shaking and crying/ my mind is going in circles;/ I feel like I'm going crazy./ Miserable./ No one to confide in./ No one but You,/ You imaginary person./ Writing to no one,/ writing to everyone;/ for no one,/ for everyone./ My pain is so great/ my body will burst/ trying to contain it./ I have no release/ as more pain builds up/ and my mind works into a furious frenzy,/ trying to keep up./ Incoherent thoughts/ don't know where,/ who,/ what,/ I am./ Curled up on my bed/ afraid of myself,/ afraid of THEM./ Please hold me, shield me/ my all-knowing eyes/ can't take anymore./ I give up...

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Run Away [me?]

I walk silently/ down these deserted streets/ rain dripping off my body./ Maybe if I just walk/ I can leave it all behind./ Memories flood my head/ forgotten pain courses through me./ It becomes hard to see/ as tears spill over/ onto my expressionless face./ Running now,/ blindly,/ desperate to get away./ I stumble/ and fall to my knees,/ staring at the ground,/ tears mixing with rain./ Somehow I get up/ continuing my walk,/ away from myself,/ my soul dripping blood,/ a trail through my life.

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Sapphire Angel [for justin]

I lay here in my bed/ and dream of you./ Your soft, blue sapphire eyes,/ your cute, dimple smile,/ the way you hold me/ and talk to me./ I can't sleep/ because I lay awake/ and dream of you./ I get lost in your eyes/ into a lovely paradise./ You are near me/ Always and Forever/ what would I do without you?/ I curl up under my blankets/ every night/ and though I am warm/ it is not warm enough./ I want your warmth next to me,/ I want to wake up/ and see your smiling blue eyes./ For though angel wings are fragile,/ I love to be wrapped in yours./ Lull me to sleep,/ my beautiful angel,/ and hold my frail being/ Forevermore.

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Seraph [for thomas]

I get lost/ in the deep pools of your eyes./ Beautiful as nothing else is./ Me knees go weak/ when you kiss me,/ my heart beats furiously/ when you hold me./ I could melt into your arms,/ become a part of you./ How did this come about?/ What did I do to deserve you?/ I'd do anything for you,/ anything to make you happy./ How do you do it?/ You're so wonderful./ An andel had befallen me,/ perfect in every way./ You captivate me,/ and I'll never let you go./ I'll love you forever,/ my angel...

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Set Myself Up

Set myself up/ for a huge fall/ set myself up/ for a fall to my death/ falling through clouds,/ so high up./ pushed off the cliff.../ I was so eager/ to look over the edge./// Set myself up/ here comes the shit/ some would say/ I asked for it,/ but I only wanted/ to see what it's like.../ I only wanted/ to experience bliss/ before I dies,/ buried in shit.../// Set myself up/ I knew I would fall./ I took a risk/ I know I'l regret.../ if only I wasn't so afraid.../ fear controls my life/ every day/ fear stops me/ from taking risks/ and having fun./ Controlling fear.../// Set myself up,/ I'm about to hit the ground./ Sharp rocks at the bottom,/ waiting to kill me.../ waiting.../ consumed by fear.../// Frantic, tears in my eyes/ look around at more demise./ Reach inside my half-dead soul/ and scream and scream/ till I can't anymore./ Scream and cry,/ kick and fight,/ resistance is futile,/ so why even try?/// No, I must/ I must try my best/ to keep the pain/ from returning./ look around/ see what's there./ Sex and drugs,/ feeble care./ Anything to keep from/ the things I used to do./ sex and drugs,/ temporary relief,/ that only hurts me./ Release found,/ once again,/ bleeding inside,/ over again./ Taste the blood,/ feel remorse,/ my body's fine,/ but my mind's fucked up.

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Suicide Friend [for lizzy]

I hate the way you look at me,/ knowing what you do./ I hate the way you hurt yourself,/ knowing it will hurt me, too./ I hate the way you lie to me,/ missing your line and cue./ But most of all I hate they way you're just plain YOU./// No matter how distant,/ how lost, how old, how out-of-touch,/ my friend forever you will be./ You're beautifully unique;/ I love every part of you./ Yet despite this love,/ I hate the things you do./ The way you'll hurt yourself,/ again and again,/ just to escape./// I dream about you, and the things you do./ They're more like nightmares to me./ Those things you do are horrifying,/ I can't stand the things you do./// I see your face,/ all places that I look./ These Images I can't shake;/ You're everywhere./ Everything I see/ reminds me of you./ Every picture,/ every story,/ every poem,/ every friend,/ every song;/ everything./ Every time I see a razor,/ a knife, shattered glass, scissors;/ I remember you./// The phone rings,/ I jump to answer it,/ hoping it'll be you./ I'm scared to leave my house,/ afraid you'll call, and I won't be here./// Every time someone says/ how they accidentally hurt themselves,/ I think of you./ Every time I see a scratch,/ I think of you./ Every time suicide is mentioned,/ I flinch with emotional pain./ Every night I cry for you,/ hoping and praying you'll be alright./ I can't get over the fact/ that one day I might wake up/ and know that you're no longer here./ Knowing that you hurt yourself/ one too many times,/ and I couldn't stop you./ The pain is too much to bear...

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Sugar Sweet [??]

I sit here smiling/ unable to stop/ why am I so happy today?/ It feels so good./ It's like my heart is swelling,/ ready to burst/ masses of butterflies and love/ waiting to pour out./ What's changed today?/ Where is my black hole of depression?/ Where is the burning flame of anger?/ It seems to have been pushed out,/ no room for hate and love./ I am so happy/ to feel this way,/ if only momentarily./ I love myself./ Did those words just come from my lips?/ Who is this happy person?/ I don't know,/ but I like it./ It's a lovely change./ So lovely...

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The True Me [obviously...]

I play a comedy,/ day in and day out./ Until the sun sets,/ and I'm all alone/ and my mask melts away/ to reveal the true me./ Scarred and naked,/ I curl up in the corner,/ and I cry./ Unable to do otherwise,/ I cry./ Unable to stop,/ I cry./ Crying in shame,/ crying in pain,/ crying in agony/ and dispair./ Crying for myself/ crying for my friends/ crying until I can't anymore./ Today I have no tears left./ Not able to show the True Me./ I find another way/ to escape from it all./ Unsure, reaching for the scissors./ Wary, open them up./ Close my eyes,/ press the blade to my skin./ Relief washes over me;/ I have found another way to escape./ And I think to myself,/ 'Pain is pleasurable...'/ as I watch a drop of blood emerge./ Enjoy the pain/ enjoy release/ Oh, beautiful release./ And as the scars form/ I stare blankly, unseeing,/ at pink flesh,/ abused and broken./ Abused by me/ broken by me/ my life is depicted/ and reflected by me./ Scarred again/ abused again/ agonized and hurt again/ a picture of life/ broken in pieces/ as I curl into my corner./ The True Me,/ revealed once again...

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Time [for john s.]

There was a time/ when you would smile at me,/ hold me,/ and kiss me./ There was a time/ when you loved me./ But you left me,/ and now you don't give a damn./ I've fallen to pieces,/ torn and alone,/ broken and helpless./ My heart aches and bleeds./ I can't stand living without you./ Do you know what you're doing to me?/ Do you even care?/ There was a time when you cared./ I'd give anything/ to have that back./ Knowing I'm not yours,/ knowing you don't care,/ knowing you'll never hold me/ like you used to.../ I just can't bear it.../ Stripped of everything,/ the life torn away from me,/ I just want to die;/ but I can't even do that./ Am I destined/ to forever be unwhole?/ Forced to roam/ in the cruel life,/ bloodstained.

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To Daddy [obviously...]

Remember when you used to come into my room and tuck me in at night?/ Give me a kiss and tell me not to let the bedbugs bite?/ Remember when you used to hoist me into your lap,/ Where I'd fall asleep for a mid-afternoon nap?/ Remember when you used to play with me,/ Instead of leaving me be?/ What happened to those days?/ They seem to all be in a haze./ When did I suddenly grow up?/ When did you leave me to rot?/ Remember when I loved you?/ Remember when you loved me, too?/ What happened to those days?/ I used to think you were better than all dads whole,/ Now I just think you're an ASS-hole./ I used to care about you./ Where did our feelings alter?/ When did our steps falter?/ We just can't see each other anymore, daddy./ It's like a foggy maze of horror./ Remember when I loved you?/ Remember when you loved me, too?/ Sometimes I wish I could be a child again,/ Just so I could be innocent and happy./ Back when I still had my same old daddy./ Back when I loved him more than ice cream on a hot afternoon,/ Back when he loved me more than life itself./ Back when we could spend 'quality time' together,/ And not get into a volatile argument every minute./ Remember when I loved you?/ Remember when you loved me, too?/ I don't know what happened, daddy,/ but it's over and done./ Nothing can fix it./ Good-bye, daddy./ Rot in hell.

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Today and Forever [for thomas]

I loved you yesterday,/ I love you today./ I'll love you tomorrow,/ and forevermore./ I love you more than anything;/ I'd do anything for you./ I'd kill for you,/ I'd die for you./ I'd sacrifice everything,/ just for you./ I want to spend every minute with you,/ I never want to leave you./ I love you so much/ I cry for you,/ Wishing i could do everything,/ be everything,/ just for you./ Nothing in this life/ can compare to you,/ and nothing ever will./ You're my true love,/ my fallen angel,/ sent to save me./ Just hold me,/ stay with me,/ and don't let go./ I'll be your everything,/ today and forever.

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Trapped

Trapped in a box,/ too dark to see./ Locked in my box,/ too tight to breathe./ Forced to sit/ and await death,/ made to suffer/ for eternity's breath./ Trying to find a way out,/ I see not even a crack./ My fingers are bleeding/ from scratching the inside/ trying to claw my way out./ Someone has the key,/ but they are standing outside/ looking in/ laughing at me./ Laughing at my feeble attempts/ to escape./ They enjoy seeing me suffer,/ watching me bleed,/ witnessing me cry./ I can hear their laughter,/ it rings in my ears./ Haunting me every moment./ He has the key.../ why won't he let me out?/ He likes to see me burn/ and suffer inside myself./ Slowly dying in my box,/ fading away within myself./ There is no other way out.../ Why was I made this fate?/ I should just give up.../ There's no point anymore.../ Trapped for eternity,/ locked in forever...

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Watch Me Die [for john s.]

My heart has died,/ it's black and cold./ Why did you kill it?/ I can't live without it./ My soul is dead,/ a black hole in my body./ You killed it mercilessly/ without considering/ what it would do to me./ Now it's dead,/ and I'm suffocating./ It's all your fault/ for not considering me./ All you care about/ is getting what you want,/ no matter who gives it to you/ or who you have to cheat/ to get it./ Now look at me./ Look at what you've done to me./ Watch me choke/ see me bleed/ understand what you did to me./ Look at what you did, dammit!/ Watch me die/ and see how you killed me/ without laying a hand to me./ Watch me die...

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Why Won't It Stop [??]

What are we doing?/ What kind of lives are we leading?/ What is this world we live in?/ Why do people kill people?/ Why does hate fill the air?/ What's going on?/ Why won't it stop?/ Can't people just agree?/ Can't we have peace?/ Why won't it stop?/ Why did it ever begin?/ Why do we hae to be such assholes?/ Why do we have to fight?/ Why can't we just get along?/ What's going on in this world?/ Why won't it stop?/ Why doesn't anyone know the answers?/ Why can't we understand?/ What's going on?/ Why does it have to be like this?/ Why can't it all just stop?/ What will become of our world,/ as it shatters and collapses on itself?/ Why won't it stop?/ Why are we too prideful to get along?/ Why do we hate each other so much?/ Why won't it stop?/ Why won't we let it stop?/ Why can't we let our differences go?/ Isn't it a low enough price for peace?/ Why won't it stop?/ What's going on?/ What kind of world do we live in today?/ We'll all be dead if we can't get it together,/ won't we?/ So then what's so hard about peace?/ What's so hard about getting along?/ Why won't it all STOP?/ Why won't it just stop?/ Why won't we LET it stop?/ What's WRONG with us?/ Why can't we LET IT GO?/Who is going to make it end?/ Who's going to be left in the end?/ Who will be here to stop the hate?/ Will there even be anoyone left/ to see the day?/ Or will it all end in war?/ WHY WON'T IT STOP?

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Without You [for david]

I lay in my bed,/ unable to sleep.../ thoughts of you/ pounding in my mind./ Your beautiful smile,/ the way you held me/ and kissed me./ The night you broke up with me,/ the torment I've been going through/ ever since./ I begin to cry again,/ unable to bear the thought/ that you're still not with me./ You were my world,/ my life./ I loved you,/ and still do./ I don't want anyone else,/ only you./ Forget how he fought,/ forget our trials./ I'd go through hell for you,/ I'd die for you./ My only wish/ is that you'd come back to me,/ for I am incomplete/ without you./ Without you,/ I am lost,/ prey to rejection,/ lonliness,/ turmoil,/ destruction./ Without you... without you.....

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You [for justin]

I look at you/ and I am blinded./ Your eyes shine/ on my darkened being./ The darker the night,/ the brighter the star./ Your whispered admirations/ ring in my ears/ and my thoughts/ drift back to you./ You tightly grip me/ in your arms,/ and your wings unfold./ You fly away,/ holding me,/ leaving everything behind./ I look down,/ and see ruins./ I look up,/ and I see beauty./ I extend my arms/ and close my eyes/ and fly with you/ into eternal oblivion./ My angel has found me...