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QUOTES

Religous Quotes

Taoism
Shit happens.
Buddhism
If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam
If shit happens, it's the will of the Allah.
Protestantism
Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism
Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism
This shit happended before.
Cahtolicism
This shit happend before.
Hare Krishna
Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelsim
Send more shit.
Atheism
No shit.
Jehova's Witness
Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism
There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Christain Science
Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism
Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Existentialism
What is shit anyway?
Stoicism
This shit.
Rastafarianism
Let's smoke this shit. doesn't bother me.
Ambrose Bierce, The devil's Dictionary (1911)
PRAY: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
RACK: An argumentatvie implement formerly much used in persuading devotees of a false failth to embrace the living truth. As a call to the unconverted the rack never had any particualre efficacy, and is now held in light poplular esteem.
FAITH: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowlegde, of things without parallel.
HEATHEN: A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel.
SAINT: A dead sinner revised and edited.
MYTHOLOGY: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later.
INFIDEL: In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one whoe does. A kind of scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to, divines, ecclesiastics, poples, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs, voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns, missionaries, exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests, muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders, primates, prebendaries, pilgrims, prohpets, imaums, beneficiaries, clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops, bishops, abbots, priors, preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, curates, patriarchs, bonezs, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries, archdeacons, hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, talapoins, postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors, beadles, fakeers, sextons, reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual curates, chaplains, mudjoes, readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas, lamas, sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church cures, sohpis, mutifs and pumpums.
KORAN: A book which the Mahammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures.
SCRIPTURES: The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
IMPIETY: Impiety You irreverence toward my deity.
He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife. ~Douglas Adams
What happens when we're dead? The irony is that all our questions will be answered after we die. We spend out whole lives trying to figure out the truth, and the only way we'll find out what it is, is to get hit by a bus. And the only comfort that religion offers is that God is driving that bus. ~John Ryman, "When Galaxies Collide"
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? ~Jules Feiffer
I think I'll believe in Gosh instead of God. If you don't believe if Gosh too, you'll be darned to heck.
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. ~Dante Rossetti
Let Jesus be your anchor! So when Satan rocks your boat, throw Jesus overboard!
I still say a church steeple with a lightening rod on the top shows a lack of confidence. ~Doug McLeod
Religous belief is a fine guide around which a person might organize his own life, but an awful instrument around which to organize someone else's life. ~Richard D. Mohr
Power corrupts; Absolute power corrupts absolutely; God is all-powerful. Draw your own conclusions.
On the sixth day God created man. On the seventh day, man returned the favor.
If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties. ~Francis Bacon
People go to church for the same reasons they go to a tavern: to stupefy themselves, to forget their misery, to imagine themselves, for a few minutes anyway, free and happy. ~Mikhail Bakunin
Why should I fear death? If I am, death is not. If death is, I am not. Why should I fear that which cannot exist when I do? ~Epicurus
Truth, in matters of religion, is simply the opinion that has survived. ~Oscar wilde.
Hell is paved with good samaritans. ~William M. Holden
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure. That is all that agnosticism means. ~Clarence Darrow, Scopes trial 1925
"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. ~Aristotle
Thank God I'm an atheist. ~Luis Bunnel
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.
The more I study religions, the more I am convinced that man never really worshipped anything but himself. ~Sir Richard F. Burton
Never before have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the Church? ~Black Adder II
If Jesus had been killed 20 years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little Electric Chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
To explain the unknown by the known is a logical prodecure; to explain the known by the unknown is a form of theological lunacy. ~David Brooks
The invisible and the non-exsistant look very much alike. ~Delos B McKown
Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too? ~Douglas Adams
I believe in God, only I spell is Nature. ~Frank Lloyd Wright
It is not disbelief that is dangerous to our society; it is belief. ~George Bernard Shaw
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized that I was talking to myself. ~Anon
If God is like an orgasm, that means he never comes when you ask him, comes at th4e worst moments, and really messes with your sweat glands. ~Anon
God made me an atheist. Who are you to question his wisdom?
Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet. ~Napoleon Bonaparte
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog? ~Anon
All bibles are man-made. ~Thomas Edison
God is as real as I am, the old man said. i was relieved since I knew Santa wouldn't lie to me...