Top 10 things learned from online gaming

• 10)Your mother has a long, storied, colorful, checkered past. She's corpulent and has performed innumberable sexual favors for little compensation. In case of your opponents, she's done so for no other reason than the joy of bearing their children. Which leads to No.9, except in the case of No.4.
• 9)Your daddy was born many years before you. Anyone you encounter in an online game may well be in possession of a time machine, and his shrill, preadolescent insults should be recieved with appropriate respect. Filial piety demands that you let him take your head off with a BFG.
• 8)The flag should not be camped. Doing so is unsportsmanlike and only enrages those who are honorably attempting to capture it. One should always behave as though one's own flag is the freshly opened Ark of the Covenant and must never make the mistake of gazing apon it or it's surroundings. Apon learning of the capture of one's flag, one must count 10 Mississippis before giving chase.
• 7)South Central is in Arkansas, judging from the peculiar combinations of slang ans accent you encounter. The district is known for it's geographic fickleness, though, and may occasionally surface anywhere from the fabled Canadas to the flowering kingdoms of the Orient.
• 6)Babies do not require maintenance. They may scream ceaselessly in the backgrounds of your conversations with Arkansas gangstas, but given the inexhaustible multitude of children who've plagued you (and will continue to do so over the years) it's apparent that their feeding and other upkeep is entirely optional.
• 5)Robots are the future, and their distorted voices may be incomprehensible to you, but you must allow them to shoot you in your imaginary videogame brain. All the while thanking your weak, human gods that your future masters presently occupy themselves playing GTA4 online rather than crushing your bones beneath their steely tread.
• 4)Girls may be vocally indistinguishable from twelve year old boys. Mistaking the former for the latter and accosting the verbally will make you feel bad about yourself. At least, until you realize that the possession of ovaries does not make anyone less of an idiot.
• 3)Chocolate milk is a delicious nectar, and you should never cease your pursuit of it. Your obese, promiscuous mother will provide it on demand...you have only to shriek to her of your need for it.
• 2)Vents exsist to provide opportunity for your teammates to blockade you within while they giggle at your predicament. Allow them to do so until you decend into pure animal rage. It is right to indulge them in this, for they are your friends and allies.
• 1)Homosexuality is within all of us. Our screaming, ten year old daddy said so. It's presence is made more apparent by our inability to recognize the truths presented in the above list, and complemented by it's occasional companions: femininity and low IQ's. Take these lessons to heart, for they will completely and utterly fail to make you a better person.

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