I'm not here to show off my pictures. I'm not here to tell you what my "b00 statuz" is. I'm not here to tell you "what crew I be reppin" - haha, yeah right. If you're here to get to check out the latest gossip you've come to the wrong place. If you're here because you're single and I'm part of your "playaz" list, you've definitely come to the wrong place. If you don't believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and earth... then you MIGHT be in the wrong place, or you might not be. God might have called you come read my page. There is most likely a reason why He made you want to click on my page. You might be offended if you have no/different religious belief. Read my page with an open mind and heart. Don't judge me, don't condemn me. If your mindset is not open, you've come to the wrong place. But in the meantime, I'll pray for you until you do...


I'm here to you give you a testimony. A testimony that I hope you remember. I'll be sharing parts of my life that I was onced ashamed of. But God has shined a light. I hope my words reach out to you. Somehow. And I'm going to tell you how He did so...

I was born & baptized into a devout Catholic Filipino family. My earliest childhood memory is of my grandmother, kneeling with me at the at my bedside at the age of 3 years old & she taught me about God the Father, God the Son, & God the Holy Spirit. She told me about Mother Mary & of Heaven & of hell. She told me about my guardian angel & there that night was when I first learned to pray. At the age of 5 years old, I was introduced to my first saint… Saint Bernadette.

From then on, I knew God always watched me so it was important that I did everything I could to be a “good girl”. I always got teased a lot by other kids growing up for being a “goody two shoes” and for always being obedient. I remember days of growing up in Catholic school not always being the most intelligent one & for getting in trouble for silly things. I noticed quickly that my mistakes were more noticeable than striving to be good. I remember always wanting to lead prayer or to skip off to prayer services in the middle of class times. I remember wanting to be one of the angels in the Christmas story but I didn’t get picked. I remember staring at pictures of Mary thinking how pretty She was. I remember sitting in the library, looking at a picture book of saints. I remember in 2^nd grade during Lent that I was the last remaining 2^nd grade student kneeling during the Stations of the Cross, & I was staring at a picture of my Savior Jesus crucified on for my sins on the cross & kissing my finger & placing it on the picture. Mom could kiss my “owwies” away… why couldn’t I kiss Jesus’s pain away? I remember my First Communion & how I practiced with a bag of potato chips & grape juice for days with my cousin to make sure I did it right & that I didn’t mess up when it finally came to that glorious day of receiving Jesus. I gasped when classmates would say His name in vain; I studied the Bible for religion class; I prayed before every meal...

It sounds like a life towards sainthood. If only that little girl knew what was going to be in store for her in the future.

Chapter 1: A Fallen Angel

So years continued & I was still that “religious” or “goody goody” girl. When I was about 5 years old, my younger brother, Egan Jules, was born & 3 years later he was diagnosed with autism. Through the years, his condition became harder to deal with & the harder it became for my mother to believe in God anymore. Needless, she felt abandoned & no one was there to be keeping her accountable or to be an example to her. It soon affected my dad & then they both just stopped going to church. Despite this, my parents still encouraged me to go to church. I remember days of being dropped off & picked up like as if it was an activity.

High school finally arrived (I was in public school by this point) & God wasn’t cool anymore. Jesus on the Cross rarely probably never crossed my mind as a new freshmen. My goal was no longer to please God but to please others and myself by trying to be popular. Going to church was quickly dropped & gone.

In Feb. of my sophomore year (2001), I met a guy named “Eric“. Eric was a “bad boy” but yet my secret admirer. On Valentine's Day, I was surprised by a special delivery to my classroom of balloons, roses, chocolates, and a teddy bear. It was an abundance of gifts that I have never had before. I was swept off my feet. No one had ever done something like that for me before.

That night, Eric came over to my house to surprise me. We sat down in my living room and began to learn about each other. I listened to his stories about being in the detention home & how much he has “changed” since then. He told me he was a Catholic and had worked with Autistic children such as my younger brother, Egan. He had similar interests of me, such as soccer and dancing. So I thought "Hey, maybe he's a decent guy."

Eric tried to pursue that boyfriend-girlfriend relationship between us many times. Friends would say "He's a sweet guy, go for it. What do you have to lose?" I apparently didn't know what I was getting myself into. I had a lot to lose.

A week before my 16^th birthday on a very late Friday night, I was relaxing on the couch, cuddled up in a corner with my blanket, watching some late-night Disney when I heard a noise in my backyard. Startled, I jumped to see two guys standing at my back window. It was Eric and his friend, "Danny". In a panic, I told them to go to the front of the house.

There, I opened up the window in the laundry room which overlooked the driveway. Eric and Danny were there, trying to convince me to 'sneak out'. Really reluctant on the thought, I kept saying 'no'. It didn't take a genius to figure out that Eric had been drinking as he persistently begged me to leave the house. I finally agreed to “sneak out”.

So, here I was. Being a real “bad girl“, sneaking out in the middle of the night with Eric, Danny and a couple of other friends, along with taking my brand new car which was suppose to be my Sweet 16th birthday gift. We took it out for a joyride and escaped to IHOP. Something told me that I was going to face the consequences when I would get back home. I knew what I was doing was wrong.

I didn't get home until right before sunrise. I had warned Eric and the others that I was going to get in trouble. Of course, they doubted me. I couldn't go back to sleep. I knew I was going to see the face of reality when my parents would finally wake up.

I managed to doze off but then I was awaken by screaming and yelling. It was my dad. And he had found my car to be "different". The parking was different and believe it or not, he noticed the mileage was different. My dad came into my room in a rage, asking what I had done with the car. In a burst of tears, I told my father and my mother the truth. Not one detail left out. There was no point to lie.

I had called one of the girls that had been with me the night before and she told me that she lied to her parents saying that her and her brother went out to "go check out the sunrise at the docks". I told her that she needed to tell them the truth or that things will only get worse. Eric then called from work soon after and I told him the same thing as well. Crying over the phone, he agreed to my decision.

That night, my mother and I met at this girl's house. Struggling to "keep my cool", I told both families the whole story. But I couldn't help but to cry. Cry in shame for what I had done… stealing the car in the middle of the night and being disobedient. Her family told me that they had already talked to Eric earlier. "Kelly", the other girl, had also said her story. Kelly's mother and my mother then discussed pressing charges on Eric. At the end of the night, Kelly & I hugged each other not wanting to let go, with sorrowful tears streaming down our faces, telling each other how sorry we were as our mothers yelled at us to let go.

My parents were greatly disappointed with me. I had dishonored my parents as The Commmandments had said. "Where... why... when did I go wrong? I knew better. I was raised better than that…" I kept telling myself. My parents placed me on indefinite restriction. I couldn't go out, use the computer, or use the phone. My parents sold back my car to the original owner. I was forbidden to talk to any of those that were the group that had snuck out that night. Gossip eventually hit school. My friends, who had once thought highly of me, didn't anymore. I knew I had let a lot of people down. My friends, my classmates, my family, and most of all... God. I was only 15 years old, turning 16 years old. In the eyes of a teenager, my world was falling apart. But not stopping on my sinful pattern, Eric & I pursued a relationship.

Chapter 2: Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right

Eric and I were boyfriend and girlfriend -- a mistake that lasted 8 months. The relationship was hidden from my parents. Eric became possessive . As I was slowly gaining my freedom from my parents, I was losing freedom in my relationship. Eric had to know who I was hanging out with, where I was going to be, and why. Then he would throw a rampage on how I never "gave him my time". I would always cry over the relationship. Cry over the hurt he caused me and how much I had “sacrificed” for this selfish guy. I had fallen into a depressed stage. There were days I wouldn't eat and I would lock up myself in my room, listening to the most horrid music you could think of. I wrote poems full of darkness, anger & depression. My life had fallen into a pit of despair. "How come God isn't helping me out?” I would think. I would run back to Eric, telling him of my depression. All he could do was fill me up with wishful thinking and give me empty kisses and empty words.

                  Chapter 3: Internal Damage

Everyone only saw what went on during school. No one really knew how my family matters were. I was no longer Daddy's little princess anymore. My mom and I constantly argued & fought once physically. It was painful drifting away from those I loved. My mom had wanted to press charges on Eric but the court told her that she would have to press charges on me as well since I was involved. But luckily, she didn't go through with it. My parents began to argue a lot -- mainly about me & the trouble I was causing in the family. They told me that they thought about separating because I was making situations with my brother even harder, which made me angrier with the whole world. My grades quickly started slipping and I wasn't paying attention in class anymore because I was in such of a trance of my depression.

Sadly, I slowly became suicidal. I felt death was the only way out. I was locked in an imprisonment of my possessive boyfriend, my arguing parents, my sins & satan. I thought that Heaven would be so much easier to get to if I just ended my life. But how would God think if I ended what He had created? How could I even expect to get into Heaven by the way I was living? Reality, He owned my life, not me. I knew that but I refused to believe it. I attempted several times at night in my room to slash my wrists. But the slightest shed of my blood frightened me. So then I thought "Maybe cutting isn't the way." I then turned to pills. But I despised the taste of the pills, so I eventually stopped after a few days. I felt so alone. I felt like no one could understand me. It just seemed like the walls of life were slowing closing in on me, waiting to crush me. I felt there was no way out for me in this overcoming darkness.

Chapter 4: What Goes Up, Must Come Down

After 3 months into the relationship, I began to seek out hope, knowing I had to get out of the relationship. "Jason" had been a good Christian friend of mine that I was always able to confide in. As me and Jason became closer friends, it made Eric grow more jealous. I was "being shady" as he would put it. Prom was coming up and Jason was a senior. I thought if Eric really "cared" about me, then he would trust me to go to the prom with Jason. I was wrong. Eric went ballistic about how "things happen" at prom. He insisted on this theory which made me more rebellious towards him.

I began to take car rides from Jason to and from school and we spent time talking outside of school. Eric would always question me what I would be doing with Jason. I had remembered at one of my soccer games; Eric and Jason were both there and started arguing about me. "She's MY girlfriend, you should have asked me if it was okay to take her to prom," Eric said to Jason.

Well, I still ended up going to Prom, and Jason and I had a good time. Not long after Prom, I broke it off with Eric. I clearly began to see a life beyond Eric. He was devastated. Here we were, in the school cafeteria, fighting with each other. He went on about how much he has done for me, and he went on about how he just wants to spend time with "his girlfriend". "Well, what about me?! I've sacrificed so much for you. Your girlfriend lost her parents trust, lost her friends, lost her car, lost my phone, lost my computer! I lost my freedom, my dignity!! You get mad if I hang out with my friends. You never support me in anything I do..." I yelled. The argument went on and I left him with no shame in that cafeteria.

Everything with my parents were slowly getting better. My mom and I had opened up to each other and reconciled. My dad was slowly beginning to trust me again and he bought back my car. Things were getting better. But little did I know that satan was going to have another field day with me.

        Chapter 5: Return of Rock Bottom

Oddly, Eric started hanging out with my best friend, "Nathan". Nathan had been my best friend/neighbor since we were around 8 years old. Eric and Nathan started hanging out a lot. It somewhat bothered me because every time Nathan wanted to hang out with me, Eric was there too.

One night, I got locked out of my house and my parents were asleep and couldn't hear the doorbell. I went over to Nathan's house and tried calling my parents and no one answered. Nathan's mom was always like a 2nd mom to me, and she told me that I could spend the night. Unfortunately, Eric was there too.

Upset at the fact that he was there, I tried to avoid him. It was getting late and Nathan's mom said I could sleep in the guestroom. So I was laying there on the bed with my back towards the door, and I was reading one of the books that Nathan's mom stacked in the room. Next thing I know, Eric comes in.

"What do you want?" I asked. He told me that he just wanted to talk. I kept my back towards him as he continued to talki to me. He told me about how he wanted me back, and that he was going to support me in everything I do and that he had "changed". Stupid me fell into his trap again. [You are probably thinking JIZA WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!]

A week later, he was arrested. I found out from Nathan's dad that Eric had been a runaway and was hiding out in their house. Eric was charged for 2 petty larcenies and 2 probation violations. Eric asked me to promise him that I'll stay and wait for him. So I did. The next few months contained of letters & 5 minute phone calls in secret.

My depression hit rock bottom again. Here I was again, lying to the world, hiding my relationship from my parents, watching the mailman everyday and trying to sneak out my letters from the detention home. Satan got me wrapped up around his finger again & the suicide thoughts came back. He laughed in my face & continued to pull me down into his darkness. I was so blind to see that Jesus Christ was right there reaching out to me.

         Chapter 6: A Light Shining Through

Brittany and Laura were friends of mine from school. One day, Brittany and Laura stopped by my house with flowers and letters. I still have those letters to this day. Brittany wrote "Remember, God will provide and through Him all things are possible...PRAY. God will provide. Just wait and see...The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. (Psalm 9:9)" and Laura had said "God never gives you something you can't deal with. Remember you can always go to Him. He will always be there. Pray, pray, pray. Ask him to help you. When you think you wanna die, pray. Ask him to help you through without those thoughts..." A motto Brittany and I always used was "Everything happens for a reason." In times of each other needs, we always kept that phrase in mind. Just to keep in mind that God has a reason for everything in life. Even though those words were a blur to me at the time, I still kept them close to my heart.

My dad has also given me the book “A Walk to Remember” by Nicholas Sparks (this was way before the movie). The book focused the their Christian relationship. I desired that. That love & that foundation. It was through my friends and through the book, I began returning to God’s Word.

Junior year of high school was coming up and I was not looking forward to it after my horrible year in 10^th grade. I wasn't looking forward going back to the social scene of gossip. I wasn't as close to my friends in the beginning of the year. I was still in that mental stage of depression, bitter and anger and Eric was still in jail.

In the afternoons, I attended a vocational-technical school for Engineering. My class was small, only 7 students. But we became close. They became a group of good influence and they were re-teaching me of Christian morals. These new friends I was making away from my other school showed me a new light. They were my example. My classmates, along with my teacher, showed me I had a lot more potential. Potential that didn't require someone holding me down.

Homecoming was coming up -- the highlight of every cheerleader, every year. (Yes I was a cheerleader all throughout high school.) I was so excited and Eric said he was going to be there because he got to go home that weekend. He never showed up. I was angry. I was finally ready to end the relationship.

Eric and I had no contacts for over a month. This just made me angrier and more determined to end it. He finally called after so long, and acted as if nothing was wrong. I raised my voice and scolded him at how everything was his fault and that he was just bringing me down with him. I hung up the phone.

A few nights later, Eric called again. And once again, I became very angry. Repeating everything I had said in the last phone call, and finally telling him it was over. "Baby, you can't do this! You promise." he pleaded. I told him that I was breaking this promise and that I was sorry. I told him he was better off without me and he had problems to work on his own. He ended the phone call by saying "I love you and I'll always love you." and hung up. I hung up the phone, I felt a big relief. I wasn't happy that I hurt him. But I was happy that I got a big burden off me. Eric didn't understand what love is. And I knew it and this was the RIGHT thing to do. I felt uplift on my shoulders. But a part of me still felt empty. Why?

As you remember, I stopped going to church. On rare occasions, I would attend Prince of Peace Catholic Church since it was closer than St. Matthew's Parish. I had remembered at one point after I had ended the relationship with Eric, listening to the sermon brought tears to my eyes. I felt a great conviction. And I knew that God was calling me back to the Church & back into His arms.

My mom had brought up the subject that I'm a year late for the sacrament of confirmation. But I told her that I didn't want to get confirmed at Prince of Peace, but that I had wanted to go back to the church I grew up in, St. Matthew's. So my parents signed me up for CCD year 1 at St. Matthew's.

My mom spoke with John (the Director of Religious Education) and Joey (the Youth Minister). Unfortunately, they signed me up for the wrong classes. So when we went to the parent meeting, I was excited to see my former classmates. And then John busted my bubble by informing me that I was in the wrong class and that I had to be with the kids a year younger than me because I was behind. (it's ok John, I forgive you. Hehe).

So sadly, I attended religious ed with year 1 students (10^th graders). I didn't know anyone in there. I had recognized a few faces from grade school but I wasn’t friends with anyone.

Anne Burns was the instructor for our class, along with Darryl as an assistant. Ms. Anne had this extreme perkiness and enthusiasm about God which I couldn‘t comprehend. "What is she so excited about?" I thought. I didn't really like the class. I knew most of the material from younger days in Catholic school. "I don't need to be here." is what I thought to myself. Every Monday I listen to Ms Anne talk about how God was so awesome, and how this was an "I LOVE YOU FROM GOD", and how 'that' was so cool, and how 'this' was so amazing. Her enthusiasm slowly began to rub off on me.

One day in late Oct., I looked at the schedule for class and discovered that we had class on a Wednesday rather than Monday on particular week. "Wednesday! I have cheerleading practice!" I thought in a panic. So after cheerleading practice, I ran out in a hurry and drove up to St. Matthew's. I stumbled into the youth center to find it empty except for one man.

Trying to catch my breath, I asked him where CCD was. "CCD's are on Mondays." he said. So I stood there, some what debating with him about how the schedule said Wednesday. But instead of arguing with me, he invited me for youth group and he reintroduced himself. "Hi, I'm Joey! I'm the youth minister!" he said. So I thought "Okay, maybe I'll stay. Brittany is always telling me about her youth group."

People started arriving and I recognized some former classmates from Catholic school. One of the girls that remembered me began to introduce me to the rest of the youth group. It was unbelievable how welcoming & how happy everyone was.

Praise and worship started. This was my first time hearing most of the songs and they all just touched my heart. I admit, it was kind of weird when I saw the whole youth group clapping along, doing hand motions and extended their hands. I couldn’t help but to think of those weird evangelical television programs that I would see on television. But needless to say, I left that night touched.

When I got home, my mother asked me why I was late. And I told her the whole story about youth group and I asked her if I could go from now on. She smiled and said yes. I was excited. But for the next 2 weeks, I didn't go just because of simple laziness.

I came back after missing those 2 weeks. And once again I was moved during praise and worship. I was entranced in Joey's words as he would speak to us of God’s goodness & on how to live as a true Catholic Christian. And once again, I was making new friends of good influence and example. I thought that this group was too good to be true. I began to share my stories about youth group around school and I would make an effort to bring a new friend each week. But something was still missing. I was still confused and I didn't know what… until a few months later.

    Chapter 9: Falling at the Feet of Jesus

March was coming up and there was this big retreat called Youth 2000 that St. Matthew's was hosting. I had never been to a retreat. But I had heard of the retreats back in middle school and they sounded "boring". But the youth group made it sound so exciting, so I had to go.

Along with me, I brought my friend, Michelle. I came in Friday night not knowing what to expect. I was kind of tired and feeling grungy from soccer practice and wasn't really in the spirit for the retreat. But I stayed. Little did I know that that night was going to set things off. I had never experienced true Eucharistic Adoration. The lights were dimmed in the gym with only a pyramid of candles lighting our vision in the middle of the floor. The smell of sweet incense filled the gym and finally I saw Him. The priest held up in his hands, the monstrance which held the Bread of Life, the Eucharist. He placed the monstrance above the candles and he began to speak. He began talking about sin and how it harms not only ourselves but others as well. I began thinking of my family, and I cried. I cried so hard, thinking of the past year and the serious sins that I had committed that went un-repented and un-confessed. It wasn't fair what I placed everyone though. I thought about my younger brother, Egan, whom I was never around with to be a supporting loving older sister. I thought about how I treated my parents. I thought about my friends. I was ashamed of myself. I thought about God!

Later that night, I laid down in Michelle's bedroom and just thought about that night and fell asleep with a heavy mind. The next day we had to wake up early. The day contained of early praise and worship and workshops, etc. The group of friends I was with were talking about going to Sacrament of Reconciliation… - confession. I constantly kept looking back at the priests, watching people of all ages going to do their confessions willingly. I knew I had to go.

During one of the priest's talks, a bunch of us got up to get in line for confession. As we were waiting in line, he was talking about sin and reconciliation. It really got to us. Chris, Michelle and I cried shameful tears of our sins.

I began to panic at the fact that my turn was coming up. It had been years since my last confession. 6 years to be exact. But Chris insisted that it was going to be ok. So I walked in and I approached one of the priests, with watery eyes. "I hope those are tears of joy." he said jokingly. "Nooooooooo," I had said. So I sat myself down and I told him everything that happened the past year with "Eric", my family, my car... everything! Not one detail left out. He told me that it was obvious that I was sorry and that I wanted to strengthen my relationship with God and with those that I have hurt. "God wants to see you smile" he said. I laughed. "Just like that" he said with his warm voice. For my penance, he told me to go back into adoration, asking God to open up my heart and to bring me closer to Him and to think of why He had brought me to the retreat.

I left my confession feeling unbelievable good, and Eucharistic Adoration had started. So I slowly made my way back to where I was in the front and knelt down and prayed before the Eucharist. I did exactly what the priest told me to do. All of silent & everyone was in deep meditation and prayer, kneeling in reverence before the Word made Flesh. Then the Heavens hit me like a flash of lightening. I started thinking about how I first came into youth group "on accident", and how I've been coming back to church, how I made my new friends, how my relationship with my family has gotten stronger... I realized it was all part of God! It was never “an accident”! God had His purpose, God had His plan. God stayed faithful to me. I felt His abundant mercy & forgiveness. I realized that He knew… He planned… I was going to be at this retreat. He was there through my year of trouble. He was there all along. I begged Him for His help for so long and He lead me here. I had closed my heart to God's grace for so long, and it brought tears to my eyes that I finally opened up and I felt His love again. I felt His grace. That moment was unforgettable for me. I was truly happy & I felt complete at last! I found my way back into God's arms. He picked me up when I fell. He was ALWAYS there even when I was blind to see or deaf to hear. He never gave up on me. He always held my hand, even though I couldn't feel it. But now I finally did. He shattered the darkness of satan that took over my life. And He shined His warm light upon me and it was there to stay. The days of my early childhood came back.

Chapter 10: Born Again