The Holiday Special opens with stock footage of the Millenium Falcon being pursued by Tie Fighters, followed by a shot of Han Solo and Chewy in the cockpit.
Han Solo: Why do I always think gettin' you home for Life Day is gonna be easy?"
More stock footage of Star Destroyers.
Life Day is apparently the Wookiee equivalent of Christmas. And it is desperately important that Chewy makes it home in time for the holidays, despite an Imperial blockade. (NOTE: foreshadowing.)
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MORE USELESS STAR WARS TRIVIA: The Wookiee homeworld is the planet Kashyyyk. There’s just too many damn vowels floating around in the Star Wars universe.
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After all of this, there’s still no sign of Chewy. Malla starts ringing up all of their friends and acquaintances on the video phone. Enter the first of many guest stars. Art Carney -- aka “The Man who actually speaks English”-- stars as the proprietor of a junk shop who is secretly working for the rebels. He tells Malla not to worry, that Chewbacca is probably on his way home. Then he tries to sell a battery-powered appliance to one of the Imperial guards. This is followed by virtually identical conversations with Luke Skywalker (looking incredibly fey with tons and tons of eyeliner), C-3PO and Princess Leia (whose eyes keep wandering off in different directions).
More stock footage lifted from the original Star Wars. James Earl Jones’ voice is overdubbed –easy to do, since Darth Vader’s mouth never moves.
By this time, the Star Wars Holiday Special is no longer a laughing matter. It is starting to feel more like water torture.
It gets worse.
Art Carney shows up and gives the Chewbacca family Life Day presents. Lumpy gets a new game chip, and spends the next seven minutes watching a group of holographic acrobats prancing around on a tabletop console. LITTLE PEOPLE, DOING TUMBLING EXCERCISES, IN BRIGHTLY COLORED COSTUMES. Yes, its Star Wars-meets-the Cirque de Soleil!
Malla is in the kitchen, preparing a special meal. She tunes-in to her favorite T.V. show -- “Cooking with Chef Gormaanda” -- featuring Harvey Korman in drag, with four arms and a bright orange complexion. Malla tries to follow along with Harvey in her kitchen. She finally gives up. You can view clips of it HERE.
Meanwhile, Art Carney has given gramps an “extra special” present. “This one has ‘The Wow.’” He hands grandpa a computer chip. Itchy fires up the Virtual Reality machine to watch some interactive wookiee porn. No, that was NOT a misprint: there really *IS* an entire segment devoted to WOOKIEE PORN.
As Itchy thrashes around in the V.R. dentist’s chair, we see a series of swirling psychedelic images, which finally coalesce into a virtual Diahann Carroll wearing a sparkly silver glitter costume. “I am your fantasy,” she says. Uh-huh.
Diahann Carroll offers to do whatever Itchy wants her to do.
"I am here. My voice is for you alone. I'm found in your eyes only. I exist only for you. Oh yes, I can feel your message. Are you getting mine?...Oh, we are excited, aren't we?"
Itchy grunts and growls something in Wookiee. Then Diahann Caroll starts singing.
Keep in mind, this was supposed to be a PRIME TIME FAMILY SPECIAL.
Suddenly, Imperial Storm Troopers burst into the Wookiee household! The Empire is conducting a house-to-house search in hopes of finding a group of desperate outlaws and rebels.
Young Lumpy is pissing off the soldiers with his growling, so they tell him to shut up and watch some cartoons. So Lumpy sits down and watches a wacky Heavy Metal-ish cartoon starring none other than Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Papa Chewbacca! The cartoon is completely retarded, but Star Wars geeks go apeshit over this one because it contains the first official appearance of Boba Fett, a full two years before “The Empire Strikes Back.”
A deadly space virus has incapacitated Luke and Han Solo. Suddenly Boba Fett turns up, riding on top of a dinosaur (again, very reminiscent of vintage ‘Heavy Metal’ comics!). Boba Fett offers to go in to town and pick up the antidote at the drug store. He rides into town and charges the antidote on his credit card. Then he telephones Darth Vader and tells him that everything is proceeding according to The Plan. Oh that wacky Boba Fett! Apparently, he was only PRETENDING to be their friend!
Boba Fett returns to the Millenium Falcon. Luke and Han Solo are given the antidote, and they recover from the virus. But R2-D2 warns them that their new “friend” Boba Fett is really working for the Empire! Boba Fett takes off using his jetpack to escape, but warns them that “I’ll be back!” END OF CARTOON.
Great plan, huh? You can just imagine Darth Vader and Boba Fett cooking it up:
BOBA FETT: I will lure them to the planet’s surface and give them the antidote!
DARTH VADER: And then you will let them go! The rebels will never suspect that we are actually helping them! It is brilliant!
Soon we will crush the rebellion!
The cartoon ends, a Storm Trooper walks by, and Lumpy quickly covers up the screen to avoid being seen watching forbidden rebel programming. The Storm Troopers are ransacking the house. One of them cuts off the head of Lumpy’s favorite stuffed toy. POOR LUMPY! Lumpy starts to freak out in Wookiee language. The Storm Troopers send him to his room.
Art Carney distracts the Storm Troopers by turning on the holographic microwave oven. Inside the microwave is a miniature JEFFERSON STARSHIP. The Storm Troopers sit down and watch as Jefferson Starship perform some extended 70’s prog rock. One of them is shirtless. Another one is wearing a cape. The lead singer is holding a glowing microphone that’s made to resemble a light saber.
Jefferson Starship's performance is actually one of the better segments of the Holiday Special. This should give you a good indication of just how bad this really is.
When the prog rock finally ends, we see Lumpy in his bedroom watching an instructional video, HOW TO ASSEMBLE AN ILLEGAL INTERSTELLAR HAM RADIO. Harvey Korman stars in the video, and -- get this! -- HE IS ACTUALLY A ROBOT. And his batteries keep winding down. So… he… talks… very… slow…ly… Lumpy listens, and follows his instructions for putting together the radio. This segment goes on for another 5 or 10 minutes. Art Karney...keeps... winding... down...
The Storm Troopers' Commanding Officer is getting impatient. He demands to see Art Karney’s Identification Papers. Art makes a big show of ad libbing the dialogue, while fumbling with his fake I.D. Finally, after about five false starts, Art Karney leaves.
The Storm Troopers are *STILL* searching the living room. But they haven’t found the photograph of Chewy that is sitting on the mantle. All of sudden, the T.V. screen comes to life. An Imperial officer appears on the television and orders all Imperial soldiers to watch this “shocking” video from the province of Tatooine, for their own benefit!
Cut to the Cantina in Mos Eisley. Same Cantina band. Same wretched hive of scum and villainy. But get this: BEA ARTHUR is now the bartender. And Harvey Korman is hitting on her.
Suddenly the wallscreen comes alive, and the same Imperial officer orders all the denizens of Mos Eisley to go home IMMEDIATELY – a curfew has been imposed on the city!
Let's recap: the Stormtroopers are watching a video on the wallscreen of people on the planet Tatooine who are also watching an Imperial bulletin on the wallscreen. Are you following this?
Bea Arthur runs around the bar trying to get the patrons to go home. The customers are refusing to leave, and are pounding on the tables, until finally a frustrated Bea Arthur offers to buy all of them one more round. Then she bursts into song.
Bea Arthur does a Star Wars CABARET number, and dances around the Cantina. We’re talking BEATRICE ARTHUR DOING HER BEST IMPRESSION OF LIZA MINELLI. SINGING TORCH SONGS. AND WALTZING WITH DRUNKEN ALIENS. SCARY.
Its all downhill from here.
Little Lumpy uses his illegal ham radio to trick the Storm Troopers into going back to the Imperial Compound. The soldiers leave, but one of them is left behind to keep an eye on the Wookiees. The lone Storm Trooper walks in on Lumpy playing with his radio. This could be the end of the diminutive Wookiee!
But wait! Han Solo and Chewbacca have finally arrived! The Storm Trooper is overpowered and thrown over the side of the tree house. He plummets to his death. BIG GROUP HUG! Han Solo leaves. Then Art Karney returns, just as the wallscreen comes back to life.
The Imperial officer wants to know what happened to the Storm Trooper who'd been left behind to guard the Wookiee household. He isn't answering his pager. Art Karney tells him that as soon as the rest of the soldiers left the house, the Storm Trooper stole all of their belongings and ran off into the wilderness. The Imperial Officer apologizes, and promises to send out a search party to have him arrested.
At this point, a mere one hour and forty five minutes into the program, we finally find out what “Life Day” is all about. The Wookiees all light candles and are magically transported into space. There, they join a never-ending line of Wookiees doing a space walk, until they reach the Wookiee Civic Arena, where the Life Day festivities take place. All of their friends from the Star Wars movies are waiting in the wings - Han Solo, and Princess Leia, Luke Skywalker, and the two droids.
Of course, you may be wondering “IF ALL OF THE WOOKIEES ARE MAGICALLY TRANSPORTED TO THE LIFE DAY PARTY, WHY WAS IT SO IMPORTANT FOR CHEWBACCA TO COME HOME?” Good question.
Then again, after suffering through the interminable Pod Racer sequence in Star Wars “Episode I,” ANYTHING seems plausible…
The Wookiees light more candles, and Princess Leia sings a Life Day carol. I repeat, Princess Leia SINGS. To the tune of the Star Wars theme (more or less). While the Star Wars soundtrack plays in the background. Believe me, there’s a reason why Carrie Fisher never recorded a Christmas album. BECAUSE SHE CAN'T CARRY A TUNE! And yes, her eyes are still wandering off in different directions.
Oh, and in case you're wondering just who was responsible for this abomination, that would be writer Pat Proft (who later wrote the scripts for "Real Genius" and "Police Academy"), and Bruce Vilanch, a columnist for The Advocate. Suddenly it all makes sense...
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The next scene takes place in the Chewbacca family household -a 70's rambler built in the form of a giant mushroom-shaped treehouse. Itchy (!), the grandfather (who looks like a cross between the entire cast of “Quest for Fire” and the Yeti) is sitting in an easy chair, while his grandson LUMPY (i.e. little Christopher from "Eight is Enough" wearing a fur suit) is running around the room playing with a toy X-wing. They are soon joined by Malla, Chewbacca's rather ugly but adoring wife. Malla is gazing with adoration at a framed photograph of Chewbacca. This is followed by ten minutes' worth of growling and grunting in Wookiee language. I don’t know what the producers were thinking when they made this, but I nearly pulled a muscle I was laughing so hard.
