My Fan Letter To Benji and Joel

This is a "fan" letter i wrote to Benji and Joel one day. And yes, i'm well aware this is the most retarded and pointless thing ever. So if you want to tell me it's stupid and there is no purpose for it, don't because, I already know! Although I do plan to send it to them sometime soon.

Dear Bhenjay Mah-Din and Joe-Ul Madeen,
Que Pasa?! I'm your biggest fan! Okay...not really. I'm not even your smallest fan. It just seemed natural to start the letter off that way. I am writing to you because my cousin is dying....okay that's another lie. I'm writing to you because my dad left my family and my dog needs money for an operation....okay i'm sorry i keep lying. Hey do you remember the time u played that show at the place in that city, and then after the show you signed my cd and then u gave me a hug and then i told you how much i loved u?! REMEMBER?! DO U REMEMBER ME?! It's okay if you don't, i've never been to a Gould Sharlette show anyway!

I should just stop making the typical, GC fan letter, I should just be original! By the way, WILL U MARRY ME BHENJAY AND JOE-UL?! I'm just kidding! MMMKAY, here's originality for you! Let me tell you about what I did today! I made chocolate chip cookies for 'mah sistah'. Hey isn't it fun when people add unnecessary H's to things?!

Anyway, so my sister's mixers were dirty. and i didn't feel like cleaning them! so i decided to beat those ingredients by hand! but it's harder then u think! those ingredients are racist...i mean the brown sugar doesn't wanna hang with the white flour. the yellow butter doesn't wanna be near the yellow egg yolks...which is odd cus they both yellow! but i got through it. and i made cookie dough. and i tasted it, and wow, it was SWEET! i was like, oh my goodness, this is the best cookie dough ever! i am the greatest chef on the planet! UP UR NOSE WITH A RUBBER HOSE EMERIL! and i sat back and thought about my super sweet cookie dough. hmmm, i didnt put in too much sugar did i? why is this cookie dough sweeter then any other cookie dough ive ever made?! hmmm...OH WELL! WHO CARES?! I JUST ROCK, THATS ALL!

so then i took another bite, and this time, the cookie dough tasted floury and salty. hmmm that's weird i thought....but then i understood. i didn't mix that dough very well. i do not rock. infact, i suck! and i should have just not been lazy and cleaned those darn mixers! the moral of the story is: "be careful what u wish for". no wait that's not it. ummm...."dont throw stones at glass houses"...ummm...."you are what u eat".....fuck i don't know what the moral of the story is."order carry out"...yes that will work for now.

let's get metaphoric!! when u think of my cookie experience, u think, "wow the lights were on, but no one was home" "the engine was running, but no one was at the wheel" "the car ran out of gas"...all of these equal- "hey catherine is a dumbarse!" the end.

okay not really "the end" of my letter, but that was the end of talking about random shit. okay no it's not. hey did u noticed i made ur names all INDIANlike. BHEJAY MAH-DIN AND JOE-UL MADEEN . now u can use these as disguises, say ur from india or pakistan or afghanistan when u check into hotel rooms. it'll keep the teenies away. although remember, u run the risk of being sought out by president shrub, cus u kinda sound like terrorists. but don't worry! one look at ur fauxhawks and ink jobs, and the shrub will know ur not terrorists, but just crazy white dudes.

mmmkay i'm gonna stop writing this letter now. i'm sure this is either the best fan letter you ever got, or the worst. so peace out homefries, keep living da dream, dont lose faith, don't rape dogs, and be careful where u stick those penises! BYEBYE! <3 Catherine, Maryland's Most Bitchin Punk Rocker- HA HA U PEOPLE AREN'T!