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"bro"
my little bro my taller bro is my coolest bro yah yah
when i want to laugh or i want to see a belly button i call my brother
bro
we had fun times we have fun times and we will still have fun times
unless he or me dies
if you want to hear a stupid joke then find my brother bro
he is brother he is bro he is my litttle brother bro
BY: Hetty White ~!!! aka angelhorn
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In deepest sleep one night I dreamed
that on the beach I walked
God was by my side each step and quietly we talked
then on the sky my life was flashed the visions all serene
two sets of footprints in the sand were there in every scene
but then I noticed in some scenes of suffering, pain, and strife
just a single set of footprints at the worst times of my life
"God, you said you'd stay by me, in good times and in bad."
"Why then did you leave me, each time my life got sad?"
"My precious child," God answered, "when your life had pain, I knew.
the single set of footprints were the times I carried you"
Recited by LEAH PRICE, author anonymous
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There once was a girl, named Carrie
who liked a boy named Berry
the both went out
then they got stuck in a drout.
Then they made a friend named Terry
©Christina Parris
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Let's face it, English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant.
No ham in the hamburger.
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
And French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play,
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down.
And in which you fill in a form,
By filling it out.
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers.
And it reflects the creativity of the human race.
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why,
When the stars are out, they are visible
But when the lights are out, they are invisible
And it's why when I wind up my watch,
It starts.
But when I wind up this poem,
It ends.
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I'm sory for all the things i've done wrong
I'm sorry for the way i treated you
I'm sorry when you just had to go along,
It's been too long since we been in the same room ,
I love you please listen to me,
i know its hard to believe right now but please,
i love you , and love youre smile
I have missed you all the while
we have been apart .
I know i definitely dont deserve for you to think about me,
the way you love me ,
the way you care for me,
if only i could give something in return,
but i end up messing up ,
why do you stay with me,
when all i bring is pain and grief
i know its hard to beleive right now but please,
i love you and your smile
I have missed you all the while .
© mike todd 2001
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There was some little trees
that was surrounded by bees
A man came to sit for lunch,
he got surrounded by a bunch
Then he lost his keys.
©Christina Parris
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take me to your heavenly home,
to where i want to live forever,
i dont care how i get there,
this life is so unfair,
lord this isnt right ,
was it in ur sight ,
for this world to be like this,
where everyone is so amiss,
thickheaded, closed off,
they forget about you and eternal life,
as they drive their neighbor with a knife,
take me quickly,
end this misery,
lord i dont know ur plan,
but please make me a godly man ,
i know this world was corrupted ,
when they have rejected ,
your love and eternal life,
as they drive their neibor with a knife.
© mike todd 2000
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hi im an idiot crackhead named clay,
im a pretty preppy faggotized gay,
i have no life and have a bean for a brain,
but dont tell my mommy that im a pain
i moon people with my flabby butt,
but they dont like me so they try to attack
but i use my hair to attack right back.
i dont know why but i have girls that like me,
cause i like guys, cant u see my feminimity.
© mike todd 2000
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Visitor From The Past
by Thelen Paulk
I had a dream the other night I didn't understand.
A figure walking through the mist with a flintlock in his hand.
His clothes were torn and dirty, as he stood there by my bed.
He took off his three cornered hat and speaking low, he said:
We fought a revolution, to secure our liberty.
We wrote the Constitution, as a shield from tyranny.
For future generations, this legacy we gave.
In this, the land of the free and the home of the brave.
You buy permits to travel, and permits to own a gun.
Permits to start a business, or to build a place for one.
On land that you believe you own, you pay a yearly rent.
Although you have no voice in choosing, how the money's spent.
Your children must attend a school that doesn't educate.
Your Christian values can't be taught, according to the state.
You read about the current news in a regulated press.
You pay a tax you do not owe, to please the foreign I.R.S.
Your money is no longer made of silver, or of gold.
You trade your wealth for paper, so your lives can be controlled.
You pay for crimes that make our Nation turn from God in shame.
You've taken Satan's number, as you've traded in your name.
You've given government control, to those who do you harm,
So they can padlock churches, and steal the family farm.
And keep our country deep in debt, put men of God in jail.
Harass your fellow countrymen, while corrupted courts prevail.
Your public servants don't uphold the solemn oath they've sworn.
They defy and rape the nation, and leave it's fabric tattered and torn.
Your leaders ship artillery and guns to foreign shores.
And send your sons to slaughter, fighting other people's wars.
Can you regain the freedom for which we fought and died?
Or don't you have the courage, or the faith to stand with pride?
Are there no more values for which you'll fight to save?
Or do you wish your children to live in fear as a slave?
People of the Republic arise and take a stand!
Defend the Constitution, the Supreme Law of the Land!
Preserve our Great Republic, and God Given Right!
And pray to God, to keep the torch of Freedom burning bright!
As I awoke he vanished, in the mist from whence he came.
His words were true, we are not Free, we have ourselves to blame.
For even now as tyrants trample each God Given Right,
We only watch and tremble, too afraid to stand and fight.
If he stood by your bedside, in a dream, while you're asleep,
And wonders what remains of our Rights he fought so hard to keep,
What would be your answer, if he called out from the grave;
IS THIS STILL THE LAND OF THE FREE AND HOME OF THE BRAVE?
© Thelen Paulk
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Days
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the
wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill
today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes
I step on today as they may be connected
to the butt that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
And help me to remember...
When I'm having a really bad day,
and it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
that it takes 42 muscles to frown and
only 4 muscles to extend my middle finger
and tell them to bite me!
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Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer.
They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours,
and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments.
They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.
But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky,
thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted
their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone!
I lost everything when the power went off!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past
two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated!
How did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
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Dead Monkeys
I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents apiece. I thought this was odd since they are normally a
couple thousand a piece. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of them.
I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund.
He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals.
I laughed.
They punched me in the genitals.
I stopped laughing.
When I got home, I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment.
They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall.
Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
They all died.
No apparent reason.
They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.
God
damn
cheap
monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room on the bed, in the dresser,
hanging from my bookcase.
It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet.
It didn't work.
It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals.
That worked for a while, that is, until they began to decompose.
It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber.
I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time,
so I had to change them every 30 seconds.
I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.
I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead,
charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, and the odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom.
So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys.
I felt better.
I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates.
I told him I had a wet one.
He couldn't take it either.
I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution:
I gave them out as Christmas gifts.
My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying.
Ingrates.
So I punched them in the genitals.
God, I like monkeys.
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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
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1.On Sears hair dryer: "Do not use while sleeping." [Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!]
2.On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
[Evidently, the shoplifter special.]
3.On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." [And that would be how?]
4.On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." [But it's *just* a suggestion.]
5.On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." [Oops, too late!]
6.On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." [As sure as night follows the day.]
7.On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." [But wouldn't this save even more time?]
8.On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
[We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds
with head-colds off those forklifts.]
9.On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." [One would hope.]
10.On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." [As opposed to what?]
11.On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." [I gotta admit, I'm curious.]
12.On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts." [NEWS FLASH!]
13.On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts." [Step 3: Fly Delta.]
14.On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".
[I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!]
15.On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".
[Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? Good grief!]
