kelb162: whats so shitty
the1stgb: i dont wanna talk about it
kelb162: c'mon, whats up
the1stgb: i have a cold.
kelb162: bullshit, you said it was something you didn't wanna talk about
the1stgb: not that i dont want to... i just
the1stgb: i can't. i dont know.
the1stgb: its all fucked up right now
kelb162: is this got anything to do with kayla?
the1stgb: no
the1stgb: and yes
the1stgb: i dont know.
the1stgb: i've come to terms with the fact that she doesn't even like me, just that shes too nice to flat out say so
the1stgb: i can't stop likin her though
kelb162: you dont know that she doesn't like you
the1stgb: yeah, i pretty much do
the1stgb: im not as retarded as people think
the1stgb: not as retarded as i act
kelb162: so what happened with her
the1stgb: it wasn't her
the1stgb: but then it might have been
the1stgb: im just not.. right. not right now
kelb162: so what is it
the1stgb: its fuckin everything
the1stgb: like today i only had a half day of school
kelb162: lucky bastard
the1stgb: thats what i thought
the1stgb: i was glad, like finnally a day off just to clear my head
the1stgb: so i had plans to meet my friends at a Buffalo Wild Wings, i dont know if you have one there in GR, its a restaurant.
the1stgb: but i was late comin out of school, and i ran in to kayla and them
kelb162: k
the1stgb: and i was just gonna leave, swear to god, but then jamie asked if i was goin with them, and they were goin to BWW's too, so i just went with them
the1stgb: fuckin mistake
kelb162: ok
the1stgb: so we finally get there, and my friends aren't there, they're up at somebodys house.
the1stgb: and that whole time, im just feelin
the1stgb: i dont know
the1stgb: like fuckin out of place
the1stgb: and
the1stgb: i can't even describe it, its the worst feelin i ever had
kelb162: well that blows
the1stgb: it does
the1stgb: im not really friends with most of the people i was with
the1stgb: except for Kayla
the1stgb: and it just felt like she didn't even want me around. like didn't even want me to be in fuckin Michigan, or goddamn know me
the1stgb: i was feelin so shitty, i can't even describe it.
the1stgb: i was just gonna hang out with them till they had to go then meet up with my real friends
the1stgb: i got up. i dont even rememer why. i just got up from the table and left
kelb162: what
kelb162: why
the1stgb: i dont even know why. i wasn't planning on it. its just that feeling i had. i wasn't even thinking, i just got up and left, without saying bye or anything.
the1stgb: ten bucks nobody even gave a shit
the1stgb: i wouldn't be surprised if none of them even noticed
the1stgb: i just walked out
the1stgb: and kept going
the1stgb: i started to go to my friends house, but then i just never did
the1stgb: i dotn knwo. like i was feelin too shitty to even hang out with them.
the1stgb: cause i knew that even if i did go, i wouldn't have a good time. and i didn't want that
kelb162: like that one time before
the1stgb: just like then
the1stgb: so i just kept walking
the1stgb: and walking with no where or no direction
the1stgb: i just remember feeling that that was all i could do
kelb162: did you go home?
the1stgb: no
the1stgb: i'm surprised this is where i ended up
the1stgb: cause some of that time, i just felt like not even going home. just walking and walking till i was out of my terrotory and just still not even then stopping
the1stgb: and i almost did
kelb162: where were you gonna go
the1stgb: i dont know. thats what was scary about it. i had no idea. i had no direction and 60 some dollars in my wallet, but i felt like never going back
the1stgb: i ended up at CASA
kelb162: you ended up at house?
kelb162: wtf
the1stgb: its a school
kelb162: where is it
the1stgb: i have no idea. i've never been there before. thats what was weird
the1stgb: i just found myself sitting there listening to Landmine Spring on repeat
the1stgb: it was scary. i dont even remember trying to go there. i just kept walking.
the1stgb: i went to my 6th grade school, JFK
the1stgb: then to 9 mile and sat on a curb at 7-11
the1stgb: then to my elementary school, Taft. i just sat where i used to line up before school and read the inscribtions on the building and remembered being little
the1stgb: and i was feelin like shit. it was freezing. i knew i shoud go home. go somewhere. but i couldn't
the1stgb: i went to the rec. damn near two miles from taft, but i didn't think twice. i went and sat on the railroad tracks on the intersection. i dont even know where else i went
the1stgb: i was all over the place
kelb162: why didn't you go find anybody to hang out with and have a good time
the1stgb: cause i knew i wouldn't
the1stgb: you know that song by Modest Mouse "whenever you breathe out, I breathe in"?
the1stgb: it was like the end of it for me. those last lyrics
the1stgb: "i haven't hung out with anyone. If i did, i'd have nothin to say"
kelb162: yeah i know thta song
kelb162: so it was like that one time before
the1stgb: no
the1stgb: well
the1stgb: sorta
the1stgb: thats why i never went to my friends house
the1stgb: i knew i'd be sitting there empty shell, like that time i told you about
the1stgb: that time right after me and her broke up and i was there just thinkin of "it was right here, that time when me and her blah blah" or "right there that night when blah blah"
the1stgb: i knew i wouldn't have fun
the1stgb: i dont know im fuckin sick of it
kelb162: of whta
the1stgb: i wish i could just quit. im fuckin tired
kelb162: quit what, tired of what
the1stgb: fuckin everything
the1stgb: fake smiles, laughing and forcin fun
kelb162: whta
the1stgb: no
the1stgb: not them faking them
the1stgb: ME faking them.
the1stgb: i dont know
the1stgb: its all fucked up
the1stgb: so many people around here are worried about their grades and jobs and passing classes. at least they're fuckin happy and have their minds
the1stgb: i wish i could go back to that time too
kelb162: what time?
kelb162: when you and her where goin out?
the1stgb: nooo
the1stgb: as much as she mean to me, that was the worst relationship of my life
kelb162: what?
kelb162: then why do you still like her
the1stgb: i fuckin dont know.
kelb162: how was it the worst
the1stgb: because i liked her so much.
the1stgb: but it never seemed like she even liked me back. never. not once did it seem like she wanted to go out with me
the1stgb: it was hell, cause i knew she didn't like me, and i should just end it, but i couldn't
the1stgb: so no, not then.
the1stgb: before then
kelb162: when? before you guys went out
the1stgb: no
the1stgb: before kayla was even in the picture
the1stgb: like...
the1stgb: summer.
the1stgb: dying days of summer and soccer season
the1stgb: you dont know, you weren't there
the1stgb: seriously, that was the only time i can remember being really happy, with out anything else distracting me
the1stgb: No girl to worry about, nothing
the1stgb: like hanging out with everybody after the football games, skipping out early from the homecoming game and homecoming night
the1stgb: best nights of my life
kelb162: nothing to distract you, no girl? for real
the1stgb: well thats not to say there wasn't anybody.
the1stgb: but i always had closure, even if we weren't going out i knew whether they liked me or not
the1stgb: i never had that with kayla, even while we were dating. never felt she liked me at all.
the1stgb: but i've been through that
the1stgb: i dont even know what the hells going on anymore
kelb162: so.. you snapped and went crazy temporarily
the1stgb: i dont know. i dont even know if your being sarcastic or joking
the1stgb: but yeah. crazy. maybe temporarily.
the1stgb: it was just a build up of everything, all this kayla shit all this family shit, this sports, school, friends shit
the1stgb: i just dont care anymore. i give up
kelb162: so.. you dont like her anymore or what
the1stgb: i really wish so
the1stgb: i really wish i could go back and like fuckin un-meet her back in 6th grade, go back to in the 2nd grade when i might have moved to ohio but the house never sold, go back to end of 8th grade where there was talk of me going to a different school
the1stgb: just so i wouldn't have to deal with this, with her
kelb162: thats a yes
the1stgb: no. its not
the1stgb: cause i know, that no matter how much i dont like it, tommorow i will wake up and still like her
the1stgb: its been like that for so long
the1stgb: no matter how much it hurts and how much i wish i didn't i can
the1stgb: cant
the1stgb: can't fuckin change it
the1stgb: you have no idea how much this all sucks for me. I dont even feel like me. I miss how I used to be, but i really can't picture that person i was ever coming back
the1stgb: i dont knwo. i just have to leave now
the1stgb is away at 3:23:00 PM.
kelb162: wait
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Auto response from the1stgb: And I claim I'm not excited with my life anymore
So I blame this town, this job, these friends
The truth is it's myself
And I'm trying to understand myself
And pinpoint where I am
By the time I get things figured out
I've change the whole damn plan


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kelb162: fuck it