How could I be so stupid? Someone treats me so well, and only wishes the best for me... and it seems like all I wish upon them is unhappiness. I don't mean to treat you this way, I try so hard not to. I guess there's just issues from the past that I haven't completely gotten over yet. Attatchment issues, emotional issues, from a number of different events. I try not to think of it as being jelous, but just as over reacting. Just like your mother, I'll over react to a situation at first, sometimes majorly flipping out and going bazerk.. after I'm given some time to cool off and reflect on the big picture, I'm not so upset anymore. Often, I'm not upset at all and the issue as a whole seems too unimportant and not very relivant at all, and just leaves me feeling like an idiot for over reacting to it so much. Yet, after all of my spazzing out... you don't care, you're not mad at me. You never get mad at me for more than a few minutes, which is kind of amazing. I don't get mad for too long either.. it's not so much that I get mad, I just get so upset that it's hard to find the words for things, and I jumble everything out. I don't think about what I say before I say it, and I look stupid.

You spent two years making sure I wasn't lonely everynight, by calling and we kept eachother company until we fell asleep. You told me, and you still tell me, everynight, that you love me, before going to sleep. So that the last thing I remember about the day is hearing/reading those words. After so long, although they're the same words repeated over and over, they have yet to become meaningless, they'll never be meaningless. No matter how repetitive they seem, they'll always mean the world to me.

The nights you didn't call, I got antsy and found it hard to get to sleep. Once I woke up in the morning and dragged myself out of bed for school, I felt a strange empty hole in the pit of my stomach that made me want to hurl. These feelings I have since learned to deal with, but at the time..it made me feel so helpless. Those late night phone conversations were like a drug, a sleeping pill to me.

Whenever I'd have to change plans at the last minute, you never got upset. You understood, and found something else to do. Whenever you have to cancel a plan at the last minute, I'd totally flip. I'll say a few lines about how it's not fair because now I have nothing to do, and how you owe me and yadda yadda. Of course a few hours later, or even a few minutes later, depending on how strong an impact the situation had on me, I'd feel better. But either way, you'd never think of doing that. You have this way of being able to control those feelings so that you don't have to focus all that negative energy outwards, and it can be gone from your system soon after, so that I won't feel a bit of pain from your reaction.

When I had problems with my self esteem, I used to worry so much about losing you. And everytime I talked to you about it, no matter how annoyed you got, you never failed to tell me over and over how much you loved me and not to worry because I'd never lose you. At the time, I only hoped this was true. Now, a long while later, I know this is true. There are only so many things a friendship can outlast. Most drift apart when one or the other goes through a family issue that's hard to deal with, sometimes the other friend doesn't know how to help. Or one will have a significant other that the other is not too fond of. Once the friendship is hanging on to that last string....too often people let go. When we were holding on to that last string, you made sure we did everything in our power. We didn't have to start from the beggining, after that short, but difficult hard time, we were picking up from where we had left off. We knew after that, that anything was possible. After many other issues, we still made it through. How many best friends, especially in a guy-girl situation can say that? Not a lot. They may pretend they're still close, pretend they're still best friends. Some may be telling the truth, some might just be in denial. Are they together almost everynight of the week? Do they tell eachother that they love eachother, everynight, or even at all?

There's not another person in this world that I tell everything to. Some people have a few close friends, and all those close friends know everything there is to know about eachother. My close friends, know a fair amount about me... but you're the one who knows me from head to toe, inside out, upside down. The only person that I tell things to that are really important to me. How many people are really this dedicated to their best friends? Someone, a friend of mine, I can't even think of which one... once asked what I was doing online so late. I said I was waiting for you to get off work and online so you could call. They called us obsessed..I don't think it was obsessed, it was just caring. Caring about how eachothers days were, wanting to talk about them.

So, really... when I look back at all we've been through, I wonder how on earth anyone could put up with me. If there's one person out there who I wanted to put up with me all the time, it would be you. I'm lucky that you put up with me all the time, more than you do with anyone else. I feel privelaged that I may be the person in the world who you love the most, because I know I'm definately the person you spend the most time with. I'm sorry for being such a jackass, when you've helped me so much. You saved me so many times, from crumbling and falling apart. And I have to be the kind of person who over reacts at every little thing... who gets upset when I don't need to. Who sometimes gets so ticked at the little things, when I'm forgetting the big picture. I'm sorry to you, but also gladder than ever, that a person like you had to get stuck with a whiner like me... but you know you're stuck with me now, and I don't think you mind.

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