Torn between more then 2 worlds

Depression usually brings me to the point where I have to write, or else I go insane. So here... I babble on about my twisted life. Imagine growing up in one city, while wanting to live in a different one. The best 14 months of my life, were spent when I was too young to even know what was going on. I didn't move to Victoria until I was 14 months old. When my mother and uncle were around my age, their parents moved them to Victoria. They might as well have put them in the car in the middle of the night, with no goodbye's, thats how much short notice they had. My mom kept telling them she'd move straight back to Winnipeg as soon as she graduated high school, and thats exactly what she did. After living there a couple more years, she met my dad. They got married and decided to move back to Victoria... and again, that failed, so they proceeded to go back to Winnipeg. My mom then had me, her and my dad split, and after 14 months on earth, her and I moved back to Victoria, where all I had was my grandparents, and an uncle. Sure my mom had more, but I was a baby, all I had was family, the family in Winnipeg that took care of me everyday, and came to visit me all the time. I keep asking my grandmother why on earth she moved to Victoria in the first place, she knew no one there. She had a brother there, but he died just a couple years before they moved there. So the only person she knew there, was her brothers ex-wife and a couple of her children. Why would someone who had their life behind them, and their whole family in one place, move to another?? I ask her all the time, and she keeps telling me she'll explain it when I'm older. All I know is that her and her mother had problems with eachother, and didn't get along. My mom told me not to hold my breath though, because she doesn't even know the reason as to why they moved. As a result, I spend my life growing up in Victoria. Its fine at first, I was young and didn't know the difference. I still went back to visit my dad and family every summer, and still do. Most of my pre-pubesent life was spent moving, never more then 20 minutes from the last place, but we still had to pack up and move a lot. We lived in basement sweets, with friends, with my grandparents, in mobile homes, you name it. I only had to change schools once though, in the 3rd grade I had to move from Willway to Millstream. It seems a little young, but I was mature for my age, I knew what was going on, and I missed all my old friends at Willway. My first year at Millstream was alright, I was still at the age where everyone was friends with everyone else, and almost no one disliked eachother. The only reason we were able to afford the trailor (we bought it, we didn't rent it... we actually owned somthing besides that crappy truck of ours) was because we were moving in with my moms new boyfriend of just more than a year. With the trailor, we also bought a pretty good sized boat that stayed in however much of a backyard we had. In the small trailor park of only about 18 trailors, I knew all the people living in there, not many kids, only 2 trailors that actually had kids my age. Cassie and Jesse were in one of the two double wide trailors, that was hidden behind Stefanie's trailor. I became friends with Cassie, and at that age, no one really cared, so I was friends with her brother too. That summer, Stefanie moved, and so did my best friend from school, Victoria. So the only outside of school friends I was left with to do stuff with everyday, were Cassie, Jesse and Kerri-Ann, the girl who moved into Stefanie's trailor, who we befriended shortly after she moved in. The next year, I spent my after-school time, coming home with either Trina, or Breanne, who were my best friends from school. We'd come home, and Derek would usually just be getting home also. We'd go into the backroom, which was later converted into my bedroom, and played super nintendo (old, eh?). Strange thing, we never got bored of it. I spent the next year, going to my grandparents house after school, until my mom got home from work. Her and Derek split up sometime that year, I don't remember when, but thats why I had to go to my grandparents house after school. I still remember the night that he left. Him and my mom got into a huge argument about somthing totally stupid, strange thing, I still remember exactly what it was. My mom was planning on going to the races the next night (there was a speedway just up the road from us, pretty popular for all of Victoria, and it was within walking distance of us), and asked Derek if he wanted to go. We went to the raced often, because a few friends of Derek's raced, and Derek had designed the logo on one of their cars. But since it wasn't demo's, or hit to pass, and his friends weren't going to be there, the only reason my mom wanted to go, was because a friend of hers from work's husband was racing. Derek totally lost it, and spazzed out at her. Asking why the hell he wanted to go see some stupid person he didn't even know race his bloody car, and then went on for about 10 minutes accusing my mom of sleeping with someone completely different than who we were talking about, from work, who was female at that. My mom told me it was time for me to go to bed, so I walked to my room, and crawled into my bed. I tried to sleep, and cover my ears, but it was kind of hard not to hear the screaming. Derek was screaming at my mom, calling her more names than I can even remember, and for what? There was absolutely no reason. About a year earlier, I was getting old enough to realize that I didn't like Derek, and my mom knew I didn't, and I knew she was starting to lose intrest in him too. He became lazy, and never did anything with us anymore. After that night, I decided that I didn't dislike him, I hated him. He walked out that night, and didn't come back for a while. He came back a few days later, I avoided talking to him. The moving truck came, and he got all his stuff out of our trailor. He took the boat, while we had to still pay for it, because it was tied together with our trailor somehow. No more pot smoking, lazy ass Derek, thank god. As a result of his music, and the camping trips we made almost every summer listening to the same thing, the rest of my life I will be reminded of Derek whenever listening to any song by Kim Mitchel, or Collective Soul, which sucks, because I love those musicians.

There was a girl my age who lived near 2 doors down from my grandparents, so I would hang out, and I'd listen to my grandparents old 60's music, which was a change from the 80's rock and roll that my mom and her boyfriend listened to at home. In the evenings I would go home and play tag, or hide and go seek with Cassie, Jesse, Kerri-Ann and her younger brother Kyle. It went on all year, and I guess we felt pretty privaliged, because although we only stayed out until 7 o'clock usually, it got dark, and seemed so late. Grade 6 was a pretty strange year. I got half accepted into the "popular" crowd at school. It was the first full year without Derek living with us, I liked it without him there, but it took some getting used to. I was also finally old enough to stay home alone after school, until my mom got home from work. Although I had new friends at school, I stayed good friends with Cassie and Kerri-Ann, the 3 of us, along with Jesse and Kyle still rode our bikes around, and played in the trailor park. School-wise, things were awesome. We had an awesome teacher that year. Our school was pretty small, so I pretty much had the same people in my class that year, as I did the year before in the 5th grade, because they both weren't split grades. I felt pretty liked, although I knew I wasn't so much. All my friends were dating eachother, and I was just kind of there. I knew they must have been using me as just another person to hang around with everyday, because they never did things with me outside of school, expcept maybe the occasional sleepover, and a few birthday parties. I was liked by a few of the popular girls, but other than that, the rest of them pretty much just tried not to make fun of me while I was around. I was a tom boy then, no make-up, and just track pants and baggy jeans. I was some-what girly, but not appearance wise. I also wasn't comfortable with my body, so I wore baggy cloths to hide it. I couldn't be myself in front of my new friends either. I started an obsession with some new music, Hanson in particular, and was too affraid to have any of them over to see my over 80 posters of them I had plastered all over my walls. The only true friends I had, were Kerri-Ann, Cassie, and Meaghan. I had been friends with Meaghan in pre-school, and then met up with her again when she joined baseball in the 5th grade. I had spent every spring since I was 6, playing softball, and the next 2 being on her team. We became best friends. We had sleepovers litteraly every weekend, and talked on the phone all the time.

That summer, in a sense, was probably the best and the worst summer of my life. I had almost the whole summer to drive to Winnipeg with my mom. Usually she drove there every couple of years with me, instead of me flying all the time. We did the usual, stopped in a few places, stayed with a few relatives we'd never met before, and finally got to Winnipeg. When you're only 14, its hard to beleive that when you were 11, you liked someone so much that you went insane. I developed a huge obsession that summer, for a friend of my moms son. Now these people, I had known all my life, as had my mom, and her mom before that. So I knew Tyler well, he was like family. He was only a year older than me, so whenever I went over there with my mom, we would hang out. I spent my whole grade 7 year liking him, which is weird, because I only actually saw him a few times that whole summer, I guess it was just the whole feeling of it.

Like in Victoria, in Winnipeg I had so many different worlds. My dads side of the family, my moms side of the family, different friends and relatives scattered everywhere, all connected somehow. One of my best friends that year was Melissa. She lived a few blocks down from my dad. Her mom ran a daycare, that my brother, along with all my younger cousins, got taken care of at. So she was well aquainted with my dads side of the family.

Grade 7 was horrible. It was probably the worst year of my life. I was no longer friends with Kerri-Ann anymore, not for any particular reason, I guess we just drifted apart. I was still friends with Cassie though, but Jesse was now at Spencer, and I guess thought he was all of a sudden too cool to hang out with his sister and her friend. I barely had friends at school, sure I had people to hang out with, but I didn't have friends. I got teased a lot that year, usually by the grade 6's, since this year we were all split up into 2 grade 6/7 split classes. Everyone knew I hung out with popular people, but they also knew that my "friends" never stuck up for me, and I sure as hell never stuck up for myself. I was so uncomfortable with my body and my life that year, that I just wanted to crawl away and die. I wasn't exactly at an age yet where I knew too much about depression, so I wasn't depressed, just upset. Although if I asked any doctor now, they probably would have diagnosed me with depression that year, even though I was only 11, and 12 at the end of the year. One group of people in particular mocked me a lot more than others, funny now, because they've become my best friends this year (dont'ask). I bet if you added it all up, I only spent half of that year at school, and the other half at home. I was always sick, or always thought I was sick. I got stomach aches, and always felt like I was going to be sick. Everyone thought I was faking it, and the doctor thought I needed a therapist. I said I didn't want to see one. I had been begging my mom all that year to move back to Winnipeg. Thats all I really wanted, was to move back. To get out of this hell hole that I had so many good and bad memories at, and back home to Winnipeg where my family and real friends were. The doctor later discovered that I wasn't faking it, I actually had somthing. I went in for x-rays, and he found out I had somthing, where the valve in my throat and stomach doesn't close, or somthing like that, so I feel sick after I eat, and if I don't eat every few hours. Grreeeatt... I already eat enough as it is, way to make me even more fat. I'm not just saying it either, I actually was overweight in grade 6 and 7. I had finally convinced my mom to move back to Winnipeg, I gave her enough reasons, and so did everyone in Winnipeg. Thats how serious I was about it. I missed my dad, I missed my brother and sister, I missed my family and my friends there. I figured life there would be a lot better than it was here.

The next year, was quite weird. My first year of juniour high, and of having the internet. The internet can be a weird place somtimes. I started going on this one particular chat every night, and realized that everyone in the chat, also did. The same 20 people, online every night. So that was my evening life, going on the chat. My school life was a bit weird, after the first month or so, I decided that my old pot smoking, popular stuck up "friends", didn't care about me, and it was fine with me, I didn't care about them either. I knew this girl Candance, from a cartooning class I had taken at a local rec centre, and one day she asked if I wanted to come have lunch with her and a couple of friends. So I did. And in a few classes, I usually hung out with Trina (my old friend elementry) and Kristine and Sarah, who were 2 of the friends of Candace's. I became good friends with them, and Kristine started dating one of my elementry school enemies. Its weird how in elementry, Millstream and Ruth King hated eachother, but were brought together at Spencer.. aww. Anyhow, another good friend of mine that year was Mitch. But in particular, and in the end, my best friends were Kristine and Sarah. Meaghan was my best friend also, up until near the end of that year. We still talked though, and hung out a lot.

There was this new kid at our school after Christmas, that lived just down the road from me. Sarah ended up dating him (she dated almost every guy...). His name was Bud.. he was short, but really strong, and he was a tough kid. He had a troubled home life, and had had a strange childhood. But, all in all, he became one of my best friends. That year, just when I thought things couldn't be better, I remembered somthing. My mom and I were most likely moving to Winnipeg that summer!! It wasn't fair, I had begged and begged and finally gotten my way, and now.. I didn't want to move, I had real true friends now, and lots of classmates that actually liked me, I didn't want to go, that year, I actually found school extremely fun believe it or not. I was able to be myself around my new friends, I could be a retard, and all hyper like I usually was around family, except I could act that way around everyone. One reason might have been the fact that before Christmas, and a little into the spring, I had a bit of an eating disorder, I lost 20 pounds, and dropped a few sizes. It boosted my self esteem a bit, but made me feel sicker. Since I had to eat every couple hours, it would get to the point where I was so hungry I didn't even notice anymore. Since I was eating weird, my blood sugar level wasn't exactly right, and I was dizzy and weak a lot, and had a few scares of being diabetic (my grandpa on my dads side of the family is diabetic, so it would be understandable).