Its funny how many people will say they know you. A friend you haven't hung out with outside of school for months, or talked with on the phone for weeks. Hear a rumour, and you automatically assume you know whats going on. You try to tell them the truth, whats really going on, and they don't understand you. They think they do, they think they know EVERY LITTLE THING about you. And they think that they'll understand what its like. They think they can tell when you're lying, and what you're thinking, when really theres only ONE other person who knows you well enough to know what you're thinking, and knows how you feel, and knows exactly what to do and say to make you feel better.

I'm sitting here listening to music, listening to songs that remind me of good things. Songs that remind me of fun stuff that happened in the summer, any song I can find that reminds me of Winnipeg. God how I wish I could be in Winnipeg right now. Not just the people.. but the whole sense of knowing that I'm in Winnipeg, would cheer me up in a second. Seeing my family, going to all of the places that I love there. There's only one person here right now that I'd miss enough to make it worth staying, but I still want to go. I used to want to move back there, I used to spend all day thinking of how great my life would be if I moved back to the place where I was loved by everybody, and everything was great, and everyone was friendly. I was too depressed, well all that I could be for someone only in the 7th grade. And I had no friends, I had friends who pretended to be good friends, who pretended to care, but ditched me soon after. Once in juniour high, I met new people.. people started to like me for who I was.. I had tons of aquaintances, I wasn't just liked by my friends.. but I got along with everyone in my classes, and for once I wasn't affraid to be myself. I said I didn't want to move that year, I had changed my mind, I had a life and friends and wanted to keep it that way. The next year I experienced real life problems, I figured out what it was like to lose a best friend after being backstabbed, I learned what it was like to actually have a guy like you, and to be depressed and self mutilation. I learned what it was like to overcome being depressed, and to overcome an almost eating disorder from the previous year that I didn't realize I even had at the time. I learned how it felt to lose a friend, not from being backstabbed, but by moving on, and losing the only guy who's ever liked you (or so you thought) because he moved away. I befriended elementry school enemies, who soon all became my life, and my reason for living. I became a stronger person, I knew how to talk to people, and how to overcome things with the help of others. I know how it feels to be at the largest point in your life, because puberty has long past and you're now smaller and shorter than everyone else, even though you feel so fat. You get a jist of what its like to have your heart broken, what its like to like someone and have them date one of your close friends, and then what its like to go out with someone truely because you just wanted someone there. I know what its like to find out that your own mother has cancer, and I can still describe and relive the exact moment I was told that she did. And I could still tell you how I felt the day she got home from her first chemotherapy treatment, and how thankful I was that she had a great friend who stayed with her there the whole time, and I had 2 best friends who stayed with me so that I wouldn't breakdown. And now, still.. in one of my darkest times, during one of my worst most depressing days full of nothingness, and just wanting someone to be here with me, but I'm alone.. and crying, and scared, I still realize how lucky I am. To have family and friends and people who care about me, and thankful that I know how to talk things through with friends, and even though life can be a the biggest bitch at times, I'm still so lucky that I'm still alive and that I've become so much stronger through all of it.

~Ashley~