LAST HOPE ARE:

 

Dario – Lead Guitar, Vocals

Derek – Guitar

Mike – Bass

Peter - Drums

 

The story of the band “Last Hope” is not only extremely weird, but is also completely true.

 

Once upon a time, a young Dario was sent by his wicked step-aunt in-law twice removed to go to the market and sell their cow for a TV Guide.  Dario did as his aunt asked and went to the market.  While walking down King Street, he saw a strange man moving towards him.  Dario then yelled out to the man, “Hey man, do you want to buy my cow?”  The strange man walked up to Dario and told him that all he had in return for the cow was a package of magical guitar strings.  Of course, Dario accepted the strings and made his way back home.

“Hey auntie, look what I got for our cow!”

“A pack of guitar strings?  What are you, a retard? Now I’ll never know when E.R. is on.”

“But auntie, the man said they were magical.  You’ll see.  One day I’ll be better then Joe Satriani and then we will never need to worry about the TV Guide again.”

When Dario woke up in the morning, his magical guitar strings had transformed into a ’79 Fender and Dario could play better than Joe Satriani. 

 

Meanwhile, in other parts of Kitchener…  Derek the bootlegger had just been released from one year in jail.  During his time in “The Pen,” he had learned to play the guitar.  Not very well, but enough to be in a punk band.  There was only one problem… he wasn’t in a band.  Derek searched far and wide for someone to start a band with.  That was when he met Peter.  Peter was sitting on the sidewalk hitting paint cans with a stick and being extremely off beat. Derek asks him, “Hey man, do you want to be in a band with me?”

Peter replied, “I have no drums, just these paint cans and a stick.”  That was when Derek had an idea.  With skills he had learned in prison, he widdled down Peter’s stick into the shape of a key.  At midnight, Derek unlocked the doors to Sherwood Music and stole Peter a drum set and some talent.  Now Peter had drums and rhythm. 

 

Now all Peter and Derek needed was a bass player.  They hopped on a train to Alaska, which is where they found Mike.  Mike at the time was a seal trainer at the Alaskan Sea World.  Derek figured if Mike could speak to seals, he could probably play a bass.  Mike’s first bass was custom built out of sealskin but sounded so crapy, he decided to fork up a couple bucks to buy a real one.

 

Now the band was formed but the band still hadn’t met Dario.  By this time, “The Man” had already warped Dario’s mind into playing guitar for Garth Brooks.  Dario was famous, but not happy.  He was on the brink of insanity.  One more song of a man cheating on his wife with her brother could have sent him over the edge.  Dario told Garth where to stick it and ran back to Kitchener.  On his way home, he met Derek, Mike and Peter playing in front of Stanley Park Mall with a cup full of nickels.  Peter saw Dario and screamed, “Oh my god! It’s Dario, the best country guitarist in the world!”  Dario turned around and hoofed Peter one in the ass.  “Shut up.  I don’t play country any more.  I play punk and the occasional Shania tune.” 

“Well,” Derek said. “Why don’t you join our group?”  And so he did, and that’s how Last Hope came to be. 

 

 

 

Some parts of this story may not have happened exactly how they were described.  Peter never had rhythm.