Condor Man

Hello and welcome to this year’s first movie review. Instead of talking about new boring movies that are coming to theatres near you, we’ve decided to review the classics. Good ol’ rentals. So here it is, Condor Man.

Condor Man stars some dude who has only been in one movie, Condor Man. He is a comic book artist who draws the Condor Man comic. When the British government needs a civilian to deliver documents, they, of course, choose the chessiest guy they can find. When he meets, Natalia, a KGB operative, he takes on the role of Condor Man to help her defect and stop the bad guys. Taking on the role has its perks as Condor Man gets a cool Condor Car, wings, a sleek spandex bodysuit and loads of honies.

Eckert
I thought this movie was awesome. I didn’t actually watch all of it, but I’m sure if I had the chance, it would be totally sweet. I did see the car chase scene and that wasn’t really very good. Plus, that dude’s tights were a little off- putting. I rate Condor Man a 2.7.

Burleson
This might quite possibly be my most favorite movie ever. Ever since the time I watched it when I was five, I’ve been hooked. When all the other kids were dreaming of being Superman or Wonderwoman, I was dreaming of putting on tight stretch pants and orange wings and saving foreigners. Condor Man, you’re my hero. I rate this a 9.7.

Also, in our weekly articles, we are going to give you guys some ideas for video rentals. At Nebraska Land Video, you can get 5 movies, for 5 days, for $5. And we know that everybody needs a little help picking out good videos, so here is the Eckert/Burleson 5-4-5 and the Weekly Wildcard.

5-4-5
Eckert
Solarbabies
RAD

Burleson
Rocketman (not Rocketeer, I hate that movie)
What About Bob

Weekly Wildcard
Skateboard: The Movie that Defies Gravity

So quit playing GTA3 for ten minutes and go rent some vids. And don’t forget to read next week’s article when we review the cult classic, Cyclops: Return to Krawldoer, starring Denrich Rumpny.

Cyclops: Return to Krawldoer

We are back again and this week’s movie is, as promised, Cyclops: Return to Krawldoer. This was the second in the popular Cyclops trilogy. Return to Krawldoer stars Denrich Rumpny, who previously starred in Authore Borak and Planets From Outer Space. Rumpny comes to life as the lovable Cyclops. In the previous film, he raged around killing many innocent villagers and ends with him being locked in a remote castle dungeon somewhere in Germany. Return picks up right where that one left off and we meet Cyclops escaping from the Pit of Wallow. Cyclops then is befriended by a small boy who takes Rumpny home to live with him. But when the boy, played by Jimmie Tagert, shows up on his parent’s doorstep with a large cyclops, they are not happy. The film continues as we see the love and tragedy that can happen when people are different.

Eckert
What can I say? This movie was incredible, to say the least. At first, I thought, a buddy movie, with a Cyclops, what were they thinking? But after seeing this film, I realize that everybody has a little “cyclops” inside of themselves too. It really teaches you to look for the inner-beauty of those around you. This film is somewhat reminiscent of Frankenstein vs. Wolfman, but not so much as to distract from the plot. Rumpny did an amazing portrayal of Cyclops and I think that this was Tagert’s breakthrough role. Overall, I rate this film a 2.7.

Burleson
I just don’t know, the whole Cyclops trilogy just rubbed me the wrong way. I mean, have you ever even seen a cyclops? Do you even know what they look like? They might have more the one eye, how do you know? The one thing good about this movie is the cyclop’s girlfriend, Dengee, who brings a breath of fresh air to this dark and grim tale. I’m going to have to rate this one at a 9.7.

We hope that you guys are enjoying this reviews. We’d love to hear your feedback, so contact us at dyebg@yahoo.com. And next week look for the classic, starring everyone’s favorite time traveling midgets (small people), Time Bandits.

5-4-5
Eckert
UHF
Soylent Green

Burleson
Better Off Dead
Pootie Tang (not Rocketeer, I hate that movie)

Weekly Wildcard
3 Ninjas

Weekly Waste of $$$ (avoid this movie at all costs)
The Avengers

Time Bandits

Well, Sam threw a skateboard at me, so I punched him in the arm. For this week’s review, we chose the phenomenal short film, Time Bandits. A classic that all must see. If you are into drama, comedy, suspense, action, horror, sci-fi, or any other genre of film, Time Bandits is your film. It stars Sean Connery and Kenny Baker. The plot is basically as follows, some midgets (small people) steal a time traveling map from the “Supreme Being”. They meet up with a small boy, Kevin, and have an exciting adventure through the perils of time. This is basically the illegitimate stepchild of Bill & Ted’s meets Willow. Through the duration, the small adventurers meet such people as Napoleon, Robin Hood, King of Greece, and an ogre on a boat with that old lady from Who’s the Boss. The plot thickens as they are lured to the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness by Evil (played by David Warner).

Eckert
Well, what can you say about a film of this magnitude. I watched this film so many times when I was a kid and loved it. But, now I watch it and its even better. Granted, it’s a little slow in the first half, but the ending makes up for it. Time Bandits is the type of movie that you can watch. I watched it. Sam did too. This film contained the scariest thing ever, a kid being chased by midgets. It also contained the funniest thing ever, a kid being chased by midgets. If you know anything funnier, please email me at dyebg@yahoo.com. Overall, Time Banditos is rated at a 2.7.

Burleson
Let me see, a movie with midgets. Can it get any better? I seriously doubt it. My favorite midget would have to be Fidget, Fidget the midget. Played by R2-D2 himself, Kenny Baker. Through half the movie Fidget has a hat on with a lit candle, does it get any more real than that, people? I seriously doubt it. One of the saddest parts of this movie comes toward the end when the midgets are up against Evil and Fidget is crushed by a giant stone pillar. His friends, the midgets, check his pulse on his leg and are sure he’s dead. But don’t fret people, Fidget is going to be ok. The “Supreme Being” heals Fidget and he is back to his midget games. I love this movie. I rate it a 9.7.

So thanks for reading. We hope that you’ve enjoyed this short little review about a great movie. But, wait, cause next week we are going to be talking about the thrill ride of a movie, Rollercoaster. (That’s really lame, but Sam wrote it).

5-4-5
ECKERT
Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure
Bio-Dome

BURLESON
Willow
Waterworld

WEEKLY WILDCARD
Jurassic Park

Rollercoaster

If you hate boybands, you’ll hate Shocking Gravity. As promised, we are reviewing Rollercoaster for this week’s paper. It opens with a suspicious man planting a bomb on a roller coaster’s tracks. The bomb goes off killing 20 some odd people just looking to have a good time. The next hour of the movie goes on and on and nothing really happens. Then they get back to the rollercoaster aspect of the movie and attempt to thwart the bad dude’s evil plot of coaster destruction. Rollercoaster is a cavalcade of stars with the likes of George Segal, Timothy Bottoms, Helen Hunt and Henry Fonda as Simon Davenport. It’s rated PG for some intense scenes of rollercoaster action.

ECKERT
Here’s the thing. While a film with a premise such as this one seems like it would be good, it fails to do one thing, be good. The scene where the coaster car careens over the railing and the obvious dummies plummet to the ground and are crushed under the car is decent and mildly amusing. But that next hour just drags on and on. Then they use a technique to make everything super dramatic, it’s called doing everything really slow. It takes a guy like 20 minutes to detonate the bomb, but if he would’ve just pushed the button, it would’ve worked the same. And I would’ve had that 20 minutes of my life back. So basically, get Rollercoaster, watch the first 15 minutes, then fast forward an hour, the watch this sweet 70’s rock band tear it up, then punch yourself for wasting 2 hours of your life. That’s what I did, except I punched Sam. Overall, I rate Rollercoaster a 2.7.

BURLESON
A very unfortunate thing happened during this movie. We watched it. After about an hour into it I started to question whether or not it was worth writing a movie review for this movie if I actually had to watch it. But one funny thing did happen during this movie. Somehow it attracted people to watch it. Caleb and Ebony walked in only to be ensnared by this movie’s boring ways. Then in came Mitch Frosh and Brando, they too were sucked in. Only Jayden and Lesley were able to escape from the black hole of Rollercoaster. Overall, I have to rate this movie at a 9.7.

5-4-5
ECKERT
The Man Who Knew Too Little
Top Secret

BURLESON
Rocketman (I feel that some of you haven’t taken my advice by renting Rocketman, so it’s on the list again)
Shawshank Redemption

WEEKLY WILDCARD
Spies Like Us

Don't forget us next week when we review the King Solomon's Mines.

King Solomon's Mines

AXE = nothing. For this weeks review, we are going to go back to one of the finest pieces of film known to man. The movie King Solomon’s Mines (1985) came out like 20 years ago or something and it in was an instant success. It starred Richard Chamberlain, Sharon Stone (her first film) and John Rhys-Davies (that dude, Salah, from Indiana Jones fame). Chamberlain and Stone voyage to find the treasures within King Solomon’s Mines. But the Germans would like to get their hands on the riches as well. This heroic adventure contains action, drama, romance, and sweet action.

Eckert
Whoa. This film is on fire. It burnt me when I watched it. This movie makes me want to watch this movie again and again. Then watch it again. But, maybe with popcorn, or another snack. Seriously, though, here’s the thing, KSM will really blow your mind when you see the heroes trapped in the cannibals’ giant boiling pot. They rock it back and forth until it rolls down a giant hill. Then they make out. That scene is pretty sweet. Plus, it contains such lines as “I will crush you under foot like a grape,” and in reference to the upside people, “Must be (tough) keeping change in your pockets.” If you watch this movie, you will watch it. I did. And it was sweet action. Overall, I rate KSM a 2.7.

Burleson
I’ve never seen this movie. I’ve never heard of this movie. But from what I’ve heard of it, it totally sounds like an Indiana Jones rip-off. So when I watched this movie I realized that it wasn’t totally an Indiana Jones rip-off, just most of it. There was this one part, they had Harrison Ford and he did the same part that he did in Indiana Jones that he did in KSM and it was the same one that he did in Indiana Jones plus he did it, he really did it, I’m not kidding, I’ve never seen this movie, I don’t even know what I’m talking about, but I’m pretty sure he did it. My favorite part of this movie came when he jumped out of a moving airplane from 30,000 feet without parachutes and landed on their feet and were fine. That was definitely some sweet action, especially when he did it. I have to rate this movie at a 9.7, but only cause he did it.

5-4-5
Eckert
Fletch
Fletch Lives

Burleson
Murder By Death
Adventures of Mighty Mouse and Friends (1983)

Weekly Wildcard
Monster Squad

Legend

This week’s review is Legend. Starring Tom Cruise, Mia Sara, and Tim Curry, this film will have you guessing until the very end. Well, not really. This movie, although, not lacking in plot doesn’t possess the grasping factor that will make you enjoy a film. It starts off in some time period in some strange place. There are fairies, elves, goblins and midgets (small people). There are some great scenes right at the beginning, which will hook you into watching the rest of it. If you haven’t seen this movie, you should at least give it a try. Well, not if you have anything better to do.

ECKERT
Here’s the thing, Legend is definitely one of those weird fantasy movies, but Tim Curry is the sweetest looking evil dude ever. His makeup alone is worth watching the first 15 minutes of this movie. Then Tom Cruise has to show up. Has he ever been in a good movie? Now I know everyone is going to go crazy because I said that, but face it, it’s true. And while we’re on the subject, Top Gun is the most overrated film of all time. That movie is horrible. Anyone who likes Top Gun probably thinks that Iron Eagle 3 was a good movie, too. The only thing worse than liking the movie, is owning the Top Gun soundtrack. But, anyway, back to Legend, Top Gun is the worst thing that you can ever put people through. Overall, I rate Legend at a 2.7.

BURLESON
Legend. Well, what can I say? At first I was like, this is the sweetest movie I have ever seen. There was this really cool dungeon scene, but it is a little too graphic to describe. Then the film takes a terrible turn to boring. While I managed to stay awake, some others (Eric) couldn’t seem to handle the horrific void of anything that resembles a good movie. There is, however, one part that is also amusing. It comes when these goblins are shooting arrows at this Unicorn, and no Lori, Unicorns aren’t for real, and this midget is deflecting the arrows with a pan. He is bragging quite a bit when suddenly one hits him right in the head. You think he is dead, but later, when his midget buddies come, he awakens to say, “It hit me in the brain pan.” Whatever that means. This movie is full of wonder, mostly things that make you wonder, “What is going on?” “What time period are we in?” “Where are they even supposed to be?” “Is that guy supposed to be Satan or just some bad dude with horns?” And then the best question of all, “Why am I still watching this movie?” But, I definitely recommend watching this movie. I mean, everyone should waste a little bit of their lives every once in a while, right? I rate Legend at a 9.7.

This week we are devoting our five-for-five to Ernest. I mean, come on, who doesn’t like Ernest?

5-4-5
Eckert
Ernest goes to Camp
Ernest goes to Jail

Burleson
Ernest Scared Stupid
Ernest Saves Christmas

Weekly Wildcard
Ernest Rides Again

The Ewok Adventure

Does he live the life of a madman? Yes, he lives the life of a madman. After a week of no review (thank Yahoo), we are back at full steam with made for television, The Ewok Adventure. A spinoff from the popular Star Wars films, Ewok is about a family who’s ship crashes on the Endor Moon. The parents become separated from the children and the kids, Mace and Cindel spend the duration of the film searching for their parents. Don’t fret, though, cause they are gonna have a little help from the Ewok’s. All the favorites are back, including Wicket, Weechee, and Wicket’s mom holding the baby Ewok. The plot thickens, though, as Mace and Cindel realize that their parents are being held captive by the evil Gorax, who is either “a monster or something real big.” He lives in the Forbidden Land of the Gorax in the Forbidden Mountain of the Gorax and has this really big dog that tries to eat Ewoks.

ECKERT
This movie is straight banked cash. If you like Star Wars, you’ll love Ewok. If you hate Star Wars, you are a moron. It’s Star Wars, man. What, do you think Top Gun is better? Anyway, I love Ewoks so much. They are so cuddly, kinda like little midgets in Ewok suits, you know? The Gorax in this film is pretty tight as well. He’s a hundred or so feet tall and looks kinda like the Predator with straight hair instead of dreads. Ewok was written by George Lucas and directed by some other guy, but it still has the Star Wars feel to it, which is good. In the film, Cindel is sick and she sleeps in a hammock with Wicket. Man, that’d be cool. Hammocks rock and so does Wicket. If you are looking for a film that the family can watch together, but still has an intense plot, with a little action/adventure and drama thrown in, plus a 100 foot tall Gorax, The Ewok Adventure is the film you are looking for. Overall, I rate Ewok a 2.7.

BURLESON
Ok, here’s the deal, now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE STAR WARS, but, this movie, well, here’s the deal. I don’t know the language of the Ewoks. It’s foreign to me. So for the first 20 minutes of the movie, I had no idea what was going on. And to make things worse, they had this guy’s voice explaining things as they went on so the viewer would know what was happening. A lot of good that did, the music on the movie was so loud we couldn’t understand him. Plus this guy’s voice was like an old guy trying to give a kid a piece of candy. Then there was this part where they just walk forever. Seriously, you think they would do something, but nope. Plus, the kid Mace is the dumbest, most dumb kid you’ve ever seen. Not to mention he is ugly. But in this one part he gets trapped under the Lake of Intrigue. That part is straight banked cash. I rate this movie a 9.7.

We would like to thank everyone for reading and supporting our reviews. But some people (Lane) keep dogging us for reviewing “bad” movies. We are simply trying to open you guys’ minds to new and interesting things. Yeah, maybe these films aren’t the best, but do you have any better? That’s right, a challenge. You punks tell us what movies we should review, then you (Lane) can’t complain. So until then, next week we will be reviewing the made for TV sequel to Ewok, The Ewok’s Battle for Endor. So keep up the straight banked cash.

5-4-5
Eckert
Cannibal Cardwell
Empire Strikes Back

Burleson
Star Wars
Return of the Jedi

Weekly Wildcard
The Ewok’s Battle for Endor

Utter Ramblings

Eckert
Here’s the thing. Booyah. We wanted to do a sweet review, being the end of the year and all, but I was so busy doing homework I didn’t have time to go rent a movie. So this article will be a little different from the rest. I’ve learned many a thing in the past four months and I’d like to talk about them. Did you know if someone breaks the windows of the church, you’ll have to pay for them and the tables? Sam couldn’t skate switch if his life depended on it and “2 main-Volpi-dude”. I’ve worn these clothes for three days and the best part is that I’ve showered once. Mark Dickinson called the cops on me for stealing his car. Booyah. So right now you are probably asking yourself, “What is the point of this rambling?” The majority of times I skipped class this year were to buy a cd or to skateboard. Sam and Nate got two hours of community service for skateboarding in the girls’ dorms. Booyah. As for movies, I think that everyone should go down to Nebraskaland and rent 5 movies that they’ve never seen before and take the chance of seeing a bad movie. You wanna know what else. I go down to Nebraskaland and they tell me I have this fine for renting “the Family Man” and bringing it back late. First of all, I will never rent “the Family Man”, that is the worst movie ever made. So I have them check the records and guess who checked that movie out on my account. That’s right, who else, Erik Sharrer. I refuse to pay that fine. And finally, I passed the Junior English Proficiency Exam and it only took me 15 minutes. Booyah. Have a great break and a merry Christmas, I will be in York getting assaulted. Booyah. Overall, I rate Sam’s life a 2.7.

Burleson
I wanted to name this one “The Downfall of Jim as we know him today,” but I guess we will just do that next time. You know, my biggest pet peeve would have to be people having pet peeves. Ok, sure, that doesn’t make much sense, but seriously, when people get ticked about little things that people do, like tapping a pencil on a desk, or thumping your foot on a pew during chapel, that’s ridiculous. Eckert’s pet peeve is when people take karoke seriously. I hate Eckert. Booyah. Stop it Escher! Also, has anyone looked at the christmas tree in the library? It is booyah. I mean, check out the sweet decorations on that thing. I really wanted to review DC Cabs this week, but Eckert is a lazy bum who never does his homework and would rather say he is going to than rent a movie. Plus, three weeks ago, I made Eckert pay for our five for five and he got overdrawn. That was pretty funny. Especially since I told him I didn’t have any money but I just didn’t want to look in my billfold. Booyah. Mr. T in a movie, that’s classic. Eckert said I should have used choice instead of classic, but I said that I liked classic better because I actually say that, and he said that choice was cooler because no one says it, but I stuck with classic. I wonder if he hates anything that flies in that movie like in the A-Team? Booyah. I rate it a 9.7. Dude.

Weekly 5-4-5
DC Cab (starring Mr. T)