Movie Review
Movie Review - The Waterboy
This film is about a Waterboy (Adam Sandler) who, despite being terminally stupid, manages to get on a football team as a star player because he can run and hit people. This makes a great joke which is repeated throughout the movie - kinda of like those Forest Gump moments except less funny and repeated even more times. Eventually he wins the State Championship even though his mother doesn't want him to but she has a miraculous change of heart at the end (although a bypass might be more appropriate).
Despite being terminally stupid the Waterboy (I'm sure he has a name but I really don't care) also manages to get a slutty trailer trash girlfriend and meets the Fonz! Everyone is happy and thus it is proven that being a dumbass is pretty cool. It also shows that even if you're stupid and unskilled you can still do well for yourself in the good ol' USA thanks to mindless violence. Hoorah!
I give this film an "It Sucks" rating 'cos, although laughing at a stupid person can be funny in real life (try it kids - hours of fun), it doesn't justify a 90 minute movie. The writer only realised about halfway through the movie that you can't write a whole film just taking the piss out of a retard and but then only made more jokes about his mother and how she's an insane retard. This film didn't get the lowest possible score, however, because secretly Adam Sandler is actually very clever. Ironically he has managed to make millions of dollars out of dumb Americans because they are stupid enough to pay to watch a movie about a dumb american being dumb. This earns Adam (but not the film) some major respect.
Film highlight: Any scene with Henry Winkler - It's the Fonz!!!
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Bruce kills terrorists. That is good. Bruce makes wise - cracks while he kills terrorists. This is even better.
Bruce kills terrorists while wearing a vest, AND making wise - cracks - this guy rules! - I mean he even kills in his bare feet! He is what every action movie needs. In fact, he must be able to choose any action movie he wants - every single action movie script must be sent to him first so he gets first refusal and makes only the best action movies ever... or so you would think...
Everyone remembers Bruce Willis from the action movie Die Hard. This film was pretty cool - Bruce Willis saves an entire skyscraper full of people from terrorists, the audience gets what it pays for - a no-brainer action movie. Where could Bruce go from there? Well in Die Hard 2 Bruce manages to save an entire airport from terrorists. Pretty cool. But check out Die Hard 3 - Bruce saves an entire city! Woah... Surely he can't do anything better than this... can he?
Well, you wouldn't have thought so, but check out Armageddon - Bruce saves an entire planet! This guy kicks ass! (For a review of Armageddon see The Review Archive)
It seems that ever since Die Hard Bruce can't get enough of saving things. Skyscrapers just weren't big enough anymore... he needed something more. So, if you want to be like Bruce Willis look for scripts where you get to save something big. God only knows what Bruce will save next...
Another thing Bruce likes is numbers. Check it out - Die Hard 1, Die Hard 2, Die Hard 3, Fifth Element, Sixth Sense, Twelve Monkeys... He can't get enough of them. Numbers are clearly a great things for movies to have. So definately accept any scripts with numbers in.
You may also have noticed that Bruce doesn't like working with famous co-stars. When he does, he usually manages to assert his authority by being violent to them - check it out - he takes a shotgun to Ben Affleck's ass in Armageddon and KILLS John Travolta in Pulp Fiction.
If you do a film different to your normal work don't tell anyone - just like Bruce didn't let anyone know that he voiced "Muddy" in Beavis and Butthead Do America.(His name was remved from the credits on advice from his manager but it's definately Bruce.)
Bruce has recently even stepped into a realm where he has never truly been before - acting. In Sixth Sense he doesn't use violence to win. Instead he "acts" as a psychiatrist to help a young boy. However, don't attempt to copy this unless you're a trained professional; Bruce only attempted acting after many years in the business working with guns and explosions. This film saw Bruce helping a little boy, not saving the entire world. This seemed odd but by "acting" Bruce was able to make this seem very important - genius!
Bruce is also very political. You may have noticed the scene in Armageddon where Bruce hits golf balls at Green Peace protesters (for your own safety you should switch the video off straight after witnessing this scene). This is cool. This says "I hate pussies who spend their time 'caring' for the environment," a no-nonsense message which anyone can understand and respect.
So, to recap:
Movies of the Moment (based in UK so Americans will just have to accept we get films later than you and stop whining.)
Scream 3: Kevin Williamson and co. go out to prove that the third installment of a horror movie is the worst by demonstration. Will Neve Cambell get it? Only one way to find out.
Erin Brokovich: Julia Roberts shows that being a jobless single mum is alright if you have nice tits and long legs. By using her body and being a bitch she gets into a law firm and wins a law suit against a big evil company. Hooray! It's a true story you know.
American Psycho: Christopher Bale plays a psycho businessman. Guess what - they can seem totally normal on the outside and be a psycho underneath - bet you didn't know that one. Cue metaphors about how his murderous side is really just a reflection on society and how people behave as businessmen and question, "Aren't the other businessmen just as bad as him?" Duh, NO! He kills people! Businessman can be wankers sometime but they're not all murderers.
Kevin and Perry Go Large: Harry Enfield takes the characters from his comedy sketch making fun of teenagers and turns it into a movie primarily aimed at teenagers - you've goota admire that irony. But, you've gotta ask yourself, how many knob jokes can you cram into a 90 minute film and still make people laugh? Didn't American Pie do this already? Where's my popcorn? Who killed JFK? Do aliens really exist? Where's me washboard?...
Girls? Ugh!
This is the story of a dumbass American. This was a very successful film in America because it didn't poke fun directly at Americans but only at a small proportion of them - retards. As any British person knows Americans are almost all dumbasses. However a film which has someone even more stupid then them is bound to do well in the box office as it allows stupid Americans to laugh at someone even more stupid then them. Cue Adam Sandler.
Everyone knows Bruce Willis as the guy in Die Hard... Die Hard 2 - Die Harder, and Die Hard 3 - With a Vengeance. Bruce is cool. Trust me, he is. 
Bruce - "Acting"
Thanks to Bruce for not helping in this section.
This section gives a brief and biased summary of the new films appearing on the UK's big screens now.
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Blackstar - all your video needs for the UK.
The editing room - lots of abridged scripts.
