Here's the deal. I am usually the strong girl who puts down all the guys, right? Well, apparently the tables have changed now. I can't believe I let this happen! How could I have let this happen? And you, as my friends, how could you have let me do this to myself? I suppose I should backtrack for those of you who have not one clue what I am talking about.

Welps, it all started last year. At least I think it did. Last year I started changing from being really self-caunscious, so wearing actual girl's clothing! That's when I learned the power of manipulating guys. Last year is also the year that I discovered the coolest person in the whole wide world! FLSD. Want me to get to the point? Welps, you just have to wait…mwahahah. Anyway, this dude is just so fucking cool it is hard to explain. I dunno, something about him just makes me want to be his friend. Of course, it always looks weird when a girl just wants to randomly be a guy's friend. And of course with my luck he is really really shy.

Each day I said I would talk to him, and I actually did about three times, each of which was a complete disaster! First time I talked to him was after lunch when I was really hyper and I just started babbling and I asked him his name. Second time, I told him that his hat looked better backwards. Third time was the worst though…all this time, considering all my failures in talking to FLSD, I was talking to my best friend Shari, who promised that she would help me when she had a chance. That chance came on a half day. Thing is, FLSD scampers really quickly and he was heading home right after the bell rang. Shari and I literally chased him down in the parking lot by screaming his name, stopping him, and then she left it up to me to speak. Of course I was a moron and just sort of babbled and let him go. After that, I couldn't talk to him again. You see, every time that I try, I choke, remembering that look he always gives me. He won't look at me at all, and he is so quiet and just turns red.

Lately, I have become super obsessive, like I tend to do, and it's been bad. Before I get into my question of life for this piece of writing, I still have more to say. So if you are so damn impatient, just scroll down. Back to business, it's odd, I see him all the time in the hallways now, in between almost every class, and the times that I don't see him in the hall before the class, I have managed to stumble upon his classrooms quite accidentally. Seriously, it's been freak accidents, but of course it has to seem to him like I am stalking him. To make matters worse, I decided I couldn't wait around anymore and that I had to talk to him, so I wrote a note and planned on giving it to him, but of course once again I chickened out and to make a long story short, I slipped it into his backpack in the hallway. I never heard back from him, and I am sure he thinks I am crazy now. He practically avoids me AND my friends!

Now, to the point, I don't know what to do! I mean, I don't want to be persistent and seem more like a stalker, but I really really really don't want to give up. How did I get like this? How can I let a guy hold so much power over me? Especially a sophomore guy! I mean, he has seriously put me between a rock and a hard place. I have not been in a situation like this since, well, eighth grade, and ironically enough, it was with the same type of guy. I just don't get how I have let this happen after so long. I need to do something about it I suppose, but I really don't know what else to do (and yes I know I already said that). I guess I am writing this to vent about the story, but also to ask for help? Help would be good. I mean, bloody hell, I even found out his sn to try to talk to him that way! Nothing fucking works, and I am afraid of phones, so I am thinking a phone would be a bad idea.

I suppose I should stop babbling about this, but it has such a strong hold on me. I feel so helpless. And on top of everything else, I keep having these dreams about what great friends we can be and stuff. What is wrong with me? I am the one who is supposed to be using guys and getting them fixated, not vice versa! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I am just so frustrated to a point where it makes me want to cry. If someone has a suggestion of any sorts, I am all ears. Just IM me or something.