FED UP
I feel that I have been silent long enough and can be silent no more. As many of you here know, I am very sensitive to people, constantly paranoid of what they are TRULY thinking of me, because I know deep inside that I don't see the truth. I see what I do to people and know that others are doing it to me too. As a result of this, I have become not only sensitive, but also a bitch. I have a wall around me that I give people 2 days to penetrate, and if they fail, they go under my hate list. If they succeed, they become my friend and I trust them with anything and everything. People don't seem to realize though what that means. It means that if I consider you a friend, you are not just a friend, but a best friend. I don't do in between, it's either friend or hate.
Lately, with my numbness and confusion, I have let down that guard greatly. My other friends have been telling me to be nicer and give others a chance. Well, I did, and it got me this: the pain and misery I am constantly feeling whenever I talk to my best friend Shari, and the tears I always cry whenever I talk to Jacob. I am putting this down because I know that most of you will not see it.
I trusted you all, and somehow, I got stabbed in the back and left in the cold to die. Completely replaced and left wondering if you still love me or want to talk to me. That is why I created my no IMing first rule, and why I got rid of most of my friends. When I was around you all, the song that kept playing in my mind was "Outside." If I confronted anyone about my feelings I would hear a string of reasons why it was not your fault, but in fact mine. I do not need this and that is why I never told anyone all of this. I did not want to hear how you all would put the blame on me so you could live guiltless as I continued to suffer in my little corner, feeling ashamed of my feelings and believing full-heartedly that they were wrong. My feelings are not wrong. I realize that after all of the internal battles and guilt. Whenever I was with you all, I felt like shit. I felt like I was constantly judged and never good enough for anything. Never good enough to be part of the group…the group that I created. I now realize that I created a monster, and then a monster took it over. Nothing will ever go back to the way it was. You may be thinking how this is just my feelings verses the feelings of 10 of you, but I know of others who feel the same. Why do you think we separated ourselves from you? No, they were not my followers, they were just people who saw what I did and felt how I did. They are my true friends, the ones I can always count on. The ones who I know will not turn their back on me just like I will not turn my back on them. Things will never be the same.
I apologize if this seems like babble and redundant, but I just want to make sure that all of my thoughts are out…ALL of them.
I can't live like this anymore. I don't know who will still be there from one day to the next. I still want friendship, but I can't take the kind of friendships you give. I can't have friendships that used to be so strong just grow weaker. That is all I am seeing among my old friends, my best friends. My friendship with everyone just seems to get weaker and weaker despite my straining efforts to do things that even hurt me to make our friendships stronger. It may not seem like I haven't done much, but I have even attempted to be friends with people I hate. To me, that is the greatest sacrifice I could ever possibly make, and when it failed, I gave up on that too and just got rid of everyone to save the little bit of happiness that I possibly could. That is all for now and whoever reads this, thank you. Thank you for caring enough to even look at this.
