Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: On the Border Line for real !!!!!
Topic: momentary emotions
I have to say that it has been one hell of a week. I almost got fired this morning, I didn't come to work yesterday, on my behalf not to justify, (it was stupid as fuck) myself but I did make my best efforts to get here, it was raining, I should have brought a Pancho, or an umbrella but scatterbrain little me didn't do that, anyway I still have my job because I need it that bad they have agreed to let me stay for the month of December in a redemption period of which I must make a 100% turn-around in two weeks. I am confident that a little kick in the ass was all that I needed, and I need to grow up a little. Not to tell my sad story but I have been "growing up" since i was like 8 and in other kinds of situations, so real life situations are a little new to me. Professionally speaking. I need to get my life together, I always say it, but I have faith that this will be the last time my life comes unglued until something major happens.
Me and my man are back together but, I think that as much as "we" supposedly want to be together, "we" realize that our chemistry is mostly sexual and music wise. I am not going to lie, I think that this is the closest that i have ever been to love. I do not trust very much, at least not enough to say I love you back. I have always been that girl that the boys want for friends not for girlfriends, and it was probably because I wasn't the most feminine or attractive as other "marital prospects" i got to here all those boy details about "players" and how they pulled it off. So in this modern day promiscuity, I know my way around. He is a problem for the following:

1.) He Promises things all the time and when he doesn't comply with his end of the promise he simply minimizes the situation and as they say "sweeps it under the rug".
I cannot deal with that, my personality allows me only to certain limits, I am passive and patient with u til i see that you are really to pull one over on me. I am a white Hispanic female and he is a black American prince, we live in Miami. I don't know if the rest of America's youth is this bad in other states or cities for that matter, but here it is like all game. Because of the face that I come from a normal working upstanding Hispanic family, i think that my *prince* thinks that I am stupid.I am not and I catch him pretty much every time. (IAM NOT INNOCENT, I BEAR GUILT AS WELL BUT IN A DIFFERENT SENSE)

2.) Putting me down and making me cry, although he says he doesn't mean it) is like a must, I have learned to maneuver him, and disarm his "i must destruct" syndrome, but it's taken three months to get here, ( I AM VERRRY EMOTIONAL, BUT ALL WITHIN SOME VERY SLIGHT DEGREE OF REASON) I ball every time this guy says something slightly disgruntling. Now he puts' me down saying, I am cheating, I am too young for a relationship, I am not ready, he'll dump me just to call me the next day and start a stupid ass convo. I am slowly taking these dreadful habits await but he's 27 he shouldn't be playing games, (if he wasn't playing game, then we wouldn't have the sort of arguments that we have on a daily, either in person or by phone. I OF COARSE AM A SAP WHO CONTINUES IN THE VICIOUS CYCLE. But I know that he has potential to improve.

I dint want to go on talking about his faults, I am not a judge, and certainly no where near the Supreme Judge, but I point out the relevant, pain inflicting, obvious. Someone has to be the better person in all conflict bearing situations. I think (the ego talking) that I have given it a really good shot seeing as: I am not in to monogamy, (i dint' want to get hurt), Commitment is hard (never had much life stability, or an example of a healthy relationship i don't know really where to start. Just the moral basics I guess? like he's always singing "where do we go from here" I ***think*** I am in love, but I don't think that he is, or that he ever will be, or that he really in his heart cares about how crushed and bitter I going to be when he really fucks my mind up and leaves me in a year or two if it makes it that far. BABY I KNOW YOU WILL NEVER REALLY READ THIS BUT I SINCERELY LOVE YOU, AND I DONT WANT WHAT YOU HAVE TO GIVE ONLY WHAT YOU HAVE TO OFFER, BABY PLEASE. After that brief dramatice moment I continue, I am OKAY now, he is really materialistic, as am I but I have a limit, i give back what i owe, both debtors and regular people. I am not dishonest I have nothing to hide, I think that flips him out, the fact that I don't need to conceal any part of my life, my belief is that now after saying all these truths about my pat to him it has made him increasingly more uncomforable, so I am to blame but this is my first time "riding a horse, named, LOVE" I think that he has too many skeletons in his closet to even begin to tell me, I hope he builds up the courage to ("anytime now") be honest with me. I could keep rambling but this is not only for my :decompressing, stresst relief, and self expression but your enjoyment so........you know what to do, stay tuned.