I LOST MY FRIEND...................................................
Topic: Im gonna miss my dawg....
I know that in life we all are here for a purpose, as we all have a calling. Last night my friend Ross was murdered in his home while he was sleeping, and as I am writing this here on this screen I can't even believe it, I am in tears here...Why do horrible things happen to good people. Im not saying the guy was a saint, he was living thug life but to a very slight degree, I new him maybe about 4 months, but that's enough time for me to care about you. He was smart, no record, good looking, well-spoken, and I don't think that he deserved to die in any way shape or form. But i know my dawg went to heaven with his head up and proud and he took his death sentence with pride. The coward that murdered him killed him in his sleep in his home, pussy, how come he didn't try to get him on the street, or broad daylight. He knows he wouldn't have made it out. My relationship with this guy was a genuine friendship, i would talk with him discuss our things together, i mean my friend. That says it all! I just miss him already, my neighborhood will not be the same, my outlook on the good in people is not the same. I can't describe how bad i feel, That is the second friend that I have lost this year. GOD BLESS ROSSMAN IN HEAVEN WHERE HIS KIND SOUL MAY REST.....he will never have kids, or be old enough to legally drink, or play football, or go to school, he was robbed of his right to be a part of this world and God knows that he is missed right now and always, Ross i don't know where you are man but you're missed, tears are pouring out of us for u man, I am at a loss for words, i just know that God sees everything, God may have something in store for that person.... If you read this just know man that when you care about some one and you see that they are walking the wrong path try to steer them in the right direction, that's the problem with the American Culture,people have stopped caring about what kind of environment their children flourish in, or is they go to school, or hi they're fucking, I mean, how many times do things have to go down like that, where the parents won't deal with the issue or even worse contribute to self distruction. But in this case I know that Ross' mom tried to give him the right upbringing with the right path, and here we are 19 years later, blown away.........People that read this I hope that is has a long lasting inpression on u, for you to do as parents, friends, sisters, brothers, cousins. Our society I have noticed is very "every man for himself" that's exactly what happened to my friend. So RIP my friend your in a better place.

Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: On the Border Line for real !!!!!
Topic: momentary emotions
I have to say that it has been one hell of a week. I almost got fired this morning, I didn't come to work yesterday, on my behalf not to justify, (it was stupid as fuck) myself but I did make my best efforts to get here, it was raining, I should have brought a Pancho, or an umbrella but scatterbrain little me didn't do that, anyway I still have my job because I need it that bad they have agreed to let me stay for the month of December in a redemption period of which I must make a 100% turn-around in two weeks. I am confident that a little kick in the ass was all that I needed, and I need to grow up a little. Not to tell my sad story but I have been "growing up" since i was like 8 and in other kinds of situations, so real life situations are a little new to me. Professionally speaking. I need to get my life together, I always say it, but I have faith that this will be the last time my life comes unglued until something major happens.
Me and my man are back together but, I think that as much as "we" supposedly want to be together, "we" realize that our chemistry is mostly sexual and music wise. I am not going to lie, I think that this is the closest that i have ever been to love. I do not trust very much, at least not enough to say I love you back. I have always been that girl that the boys want for friends not for girlfriends, and it was probably because I wasn't the most feminine or attractive as other "marital prospects" i got to here all those boy details about "players" and how they pulled it off. So in this modern day promiscuity, I know my way around. He is a problem for the following:

1.) He Promises things all the time and when he doesn't comply with his end of the promise he simply minimizes the situation and as they say "sweeps it under the rug".
I cannot deal with that, my personality allows me only to certain limits, I am passive and patient with u til i see that you are really to pull one over on me. I am a white Hispanic female and he is a black American prince, we live in Miami. I don't know if the rest of America's youth is this bad in other states or cities for that matter, but here it is like all game. Because of the face that I come from a normal working upstanding Hispanic family, i think that my *prince* thinks that I am stupid.I am not and I catch him pretty much every time. (IAM NOT INNOCENT, I BEAR GUILT AS WELL BUT IN A DIFFERENT SENSE)

2.) Putting me down and making me cry, although he says he doesn't mean it) is like a must, I have learned to maneuver him, and disarm his "i must destruct" syndrome, but it's taken three months to get here, ( I AM VERRRY EMOTIONAL, BUT ALL WITHIN SOME VERY SLIGHT DEGREE OF REASON) I ball every time this guy says something slightly disgruntling. Now he puts' me down saying, I am cheating, I am too young for a relationship, I am not ready, he'll dump me just to call me the next day and start a stupid ass convo. I am slowly taking these dreadful habits await but he's 27 he shouldn't be playing games, (if he wasn't playing game, then we wouldn't have the sort of arguments that we have on a daily, either in person or by phone. I OF COARSE AM A SAP WHO CONTINUES IN THE VICIOUS CYCLE. But I know that he has potential to improve.

I dint want to go on talking about his faults, I am not a judge, and certainly no where near the Supreme Judge, but I point out the relevant, pain inflicting, obvious. Someone has to be the better person in all conflict bearing situations. I think (the ego talking) that I have given it a really good shot seeing as: I am not in to monogamy, (i dint' want to get hurt), Commitment is hard (never had much life stability, or an example of a healthy relationship i don't know really where to start. Just the moral basics I guess? like he's always singing "where do we go from here" I ***think*** I am in love, but I don't think that he is, or that he ever will be, or that he really in his heart cares about how crushed and bitter I going to be when he really fucks my mind up and leaves me in a year or two if it makes it that far. BABY I KNOW YOU WILL NEVER REALLY READ THIS BUT I SINCERELY LOVE YOU, AND I DONT WANT WHAT YOU HAVE TO GIVE ONLY WHAT YOU HAVE TO OFFER, BABY PLEASE. After that brief dramatice moment I continue, I am OKAY now, he is really materialistic, as am I but I have a limit, i give back what i owe, both debtors and regular people. I am not dishonest I have nothing to hide, I think that flips him out, the fact that I don't need to conceal any part of my life, my belief is that now after saying all these truths about my pat to him it has made him increasingly more uncomforable, so I am to blame but this is my first time "riding a horse, named, LOVE" I think that he has too many skeletons in his closet to even begin to tell me, I hope he builds up the courage to ("anytime now") be honest with me. I could keep rambling but this is not only for my :decompressing, stresst relief, and self expression but your enjoyment so........you know what to do, stay tuned.

Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: jj drama
Topic: f*** men
So Sunday was the day that I let it all hang loose and I went crazy on hime. I told him every single little thing that hurt me about the way that he treated me. I think that it was the only way that I was going to be able to let him go without thinking twice about it I think that he has been the most ill treating man that have ever even talked to. I am tired of life with men, pratically everything out of their mouth is a lie. I am not a man hater and this doesn't apply to all men but men My age have no sense, they can care less how a woman feels. I think that I am also exposed to the more jaded side of life. GHETTONESS!!!! is absolutely highly over rated all it is, is some bullshit. Anyway I am done venting in this regard, I am so tired, All i have ever surrounded myself with is the more negative things in life because my stupid ass wanted to try the greener grass. I soooooooooooooooooooooooo mad at myself for letting this go so long.
On a positive note, I keep saying that I am not going to dwell and I dwell anyway. I love my job at geriatric money firm. I have light responsibilities all things that I can handle. Ecstaticlly (if this is a word) happilly content with my job. Well gtg back to work til the next time when i need to vent

Now Playing: paid
Im back,


I am sooo xcited the biggest shopping day of the year is approaching, and am I happy hell yea. But enough of that. Yesterday was a meloncholy day I felt all twisted over the man I am in love with, or at least I think that it's love. I know my on my end it's love. I know that there is a past of mine that he has to deal with, (i was a stripper) NO i wasn't but he acts as if this is soo severe. I just had experience in other departments and he can't accept that I am just that good. I wish that I could just put it through to his head that I am not going to hurt or cheat on him. For the first time in my life I am not trying to run away from a commitment with a man. I have always thrown caution to the wind and done whatever i thought would be the right way to shield myself from being hurt. My man is a little verbally abusive, as far as that he makes some inappropriate commentary and almost always at the wrong time. Damn. I am so caught up!!! Okay enough. I get paid today I am soo happy, in my mind my mother has taught me that money can not make you happy but it sure will make you all better, for the moment of rapid spending, malls, and the whole rush that money is slipping from my hands. Anyway I will probably be back. I am at work, TUNE IN FOR THE NEXT TIME.

Mood:  chatty
Topic: Get to know a *%$#@
Hi,

I guess you may wonder what the reason is on why I have decided to title my "journal" Damaged Goods??? or Fixable??? While this is merely and intro to my world sit back grab some pop-corn and enjoy the show. I am writing partly because I am like the rest of other living breathing people that think that bad stuff only happens to me. I am on the self pitty mode today just a tad. So enough, lemme get to the point.
I am a Cuban-American female, 19 years of age which will change in less than a month from this entry, who is struggling to make the right choices. Decisions about love, loss, and drama. I have never been the type to let things go, ( doesn't mean i hold a grudge or anything) my past is what has brought me to my current status. I can't blame everything on my mother. With the 19 years of experience I have you would think, this girl should go to college, or do something with her life. But noooo.... So I think it's time for me to grow, mentally, and spiritually.
I have been through happy, (travel, family get together's, things that make you happy) and of coarse there is sad. But those examples will come in retro-spect through later entries. I am flavor full, I am a Miami Resident, I have lived here for most of my life. Beaches aren't everything, and things aren't too fun in the sun on SOBE when you aren't 21. If you know what I mean.
My Family, is the traditional, family, family chisme, family laughter, and finally family hatred. It develops over some time in a family if people really don't give a ****!!!!Okay!Alright... maybe there wasn't that much togetherness. Maybe it's just me, my ova donor, and my Grandma, and my 2 sisters Karinuts*** (13) and Sanparunpundingindangi or Lili whatever you like (5) she is just soo cute when she's famous I am going to call her that too. If you can even make out what it says. If you sound it out in a Spanish type accent it is exactly what you said.
Like any family we have the one person that everyone loves to hate, except if he's your dad, that would be my step-dad, A.K.A. Mad Dog McCoy. He is always on the prowel to find something out. For years he tried to figure out how to stop my mom from "polluting" herself as he would dramaticlly put it. Who does this guy think he is a combo of an FBI agent,Macguyver,and Que Pasa Uma? If you are cuban you know what i mean, NO OFFENSE IF YOUR NOT!!!! On the other hand my Mother another combination, I would say of an Attorney, a nun, and a esoteric party animal. Funny, Smart, and a stunningly beautiful woman, charming and classy. You can take her anywhere really lololol. But my mother has also shown me that life can work even in an off-color setting. "when lemon rains from the sky, what do you do?" me as a child "we make lemonade momi." Survival, in a world where it is cut-throat, of coarse as a child i didn't see this. But as in adult I see how cold it gets out there. Once I was on my own, things changed, I saw that even my mother's "devoted love" could not make me happy or keep me safe. Freedom from her opened a whole ne can of worms, addictions, depressions and guess what else????? REALITY HIT ME. GROW UP. Naturally the first time around never makes much of an impact. So here I am trying to finally once and for all settle down and get focused. Relationship focused, school focused, and monogomy. These are the goals for 2006. I have a steady boyfriend JJ that is my impossible ghetto lover, who also can play both sides as i have been doing. You always fall into one more than the other, i think that we are both in the other category, trying to get back emotionally and life wise to the greener grass. So this is an Intro, feel free to read today's entry.
Coming to a screen near you, hopefully my story get's real interesting and someone will want to write about it....wink wink, hollywood producers. THE CAMERA LOVES ME BABY.