Once upon a time, in the kingdom of poo, which was of course ruled by the great mighty poo, there
was a man called Bob. He was short, fat and proud of that. He loved his job, though he didn’t
exactly get paid much. To put it bluntly, he looked forward to his monthly gumball he bought with
his paycheck. And even then, that was only if he did a good job and borrowed/stole 5 cents from
his mom, depending on the occasion. How he’s fat, nobody knows, but he is anyway. Bob is a work-
a-holic and a couch potato at the same time, considering he gets paid to watch Animal Planet and
voice his opinions about it. In general he gets paid a penny a week, but if he lies and says he
liked it, then he earns a nice, shiny nickel.And so we find Bob, sitting on his mom’s couch and
working hard, staring intently at Steve Irwin. Everyone’s favorite/only crocodile hunter
currently had his index finger halfway up a snail’s wazoo. “Look at the mollusks!” he said,
fascinated. “See them produce bowel movements!” he continued, still amazed as he withdrew his
finger to show the viewers the as yet unidentified brown secretion that coated it.
“Crikey!” he enthused.But now Bob was angry. You see, when he was 3, he had a traumatic
experience that involved a mutated snail trying to eat his brain. This was back when his mom was
a police officer, and even then she was very stupid. This will soon become evident. Trust me.
Anyway, after an undercover cop found a drug dealer, he was apprehended and his 35 pounds of
marijuana was given to Bob’s mom to destroy. She did this in the form of a large bonfire. Now Bob
wasn’t the smartest from the beginning, but with 35 pounds of illegal drugs floating around in
the atmosphere, it’s bound to have some adverse side effects. Not only that but Bob even roasted
marshmallows over the F*cking thing! After which said mutant snail attacked him. Now, whether he
was in a slightly altered state of mind is your decision, but one way or another he ran around
in circles furiously smacking his head with his shoe in a futile attempt to make the mean, mean
snail go away. This continued for several hours, until Bob finally collapsed into a quivering
heap on the ground and soiled himself. Then the snail ran away and took a nap.So, anyway, Bob was
angry. He punched the living Shiite out of the TV. Then he noticed a small trickle of blood
running down his hand.Bob was scared. Scared that they would take him back to the institution.
He didn’t mind the padded rooms, because they were bouncy and fun. But when they put the straight
jackets on him, he couldn’t pick his nose. That made Bob sad. Then he remembered his horrible
wound. I’m bleeding! He thought. I’m going to die!So he did the only thing he could think of.
He went and got his mom’s underwear and wrapped it tightly around his grievous injury. Bob,
being the genius he is, figured it would take to long to open the door. And as such, he jumped
out the window and landed in a rose bush, acquiring many more very small scratches.
And after doctoring his new battle scars, his mother had a severe shortage of her frilly, pink
undergarments. After that, he hopped into his mom’s pikachu dune buggy and started driving to
the hospital. Many may question why Bob’s mom has a pikachu dune buggy, yet I can summarize it
in two words: substance, and abuser. She remembers stealing it from a fellow substance abuser,
and Bob didn’t have the heart to tell her that the substance abuser she stole it from was indeed
herself. Yes, she stole her own car. Even worse though, a week later the guilt was too much,
and she turned herself in. The police were quite intrigued at that situation, but after they
learned of the special herbs that she smoked, they bought some and sent her home.During Bob’s
journey to the hospital, many drivers had comments on his driving ability, but many more on his
bumper sticker, which read: I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to do. That’s why I’m
pregnant. Duh.That got him a lot of awkward glances, as well as one little boy asking his mom
why that man’s baby wasn’t on the slim fast plan. That then prompted the question why he was
never told that boys could have babies too. And that prompted the question where the hell the
stork was. Mommy patiently explained that the fat man probably ate the stork, so he got all the
babies he wanted. The boy wondered how the babies came out, so mommy said that the fat man
probably had to poo on the floor, then check for babies. The boy was going to ask where Negroes
came from, but then decided that he knew the answer. Black cows give chocolate milk. Then he
wondered why the man’s baby was so big. The mommy stopped the car and jumped out the window,
hurtling miles down toward a Burger King, silently praying she could get a free whopper on the
way to the hospital. The kid was nonplussed. He took a nap, with his head on the gas pedal.
He woke up in Los Angeles and made millions at poker, and eventually buying Mwamba, Brazil, he
settled down and set up a prostitute ring to keep him company. Then he turned four. Then Bob
noticed a sign that said hospital left. So he turned around and went home.
NOTE: if you are so incredibly stupid that you don’t know why he turned around and went home,
it’s because he thought “hospital left” meant that the hospital was vacationing in Hawaii.
Should you still not comprehend, pat yourself on the back, because you are very stupid. Stop
reading this if above statement is true. Returning to our story:
When Bob got home his mom was wondering where her underwear were. “Oh, no, even my Elmo ones are
missing!” she said. Then she saw Bob. “Give me those, you little pervert!” she exclaimed.She
grabbed her underwear and locked Bob in the attic. While Bob was a prisoner of the attic, he
couldn’t find anything to staunch his wounds, so he kept ramming his head against the wall and
singing the various Blue’s Clues songs.After awhile his mom came in and put a tranquilizer dart
in one of Bob’s more tender areas. When he woke up, he was back in his padded room. Bob was
very sad. So he bounced off the walls and made repeated bowel movements.So many, in fact, that
the oxygen in the room was steadily running out. With his last breath of air Bob gasped out
“I…… like .. eggs”
THE END?
And then a beautiful unicorn descended from the heavens and mooned Bob.
NOW THE END.
Moo Inc. In moo we trust.