Allow me to introduce
myself. My name, or as I am called by so called "doctors", is
Anorexia. Anorexia Nervosa is my full name, but you may call me Ana. Hopefully
we can become great partners. In the coming time, I will invest a lot of time
in you, and I expect the same from you.
In the past you have heard all of your teachers and parents talk about you. You
are "so mature", "intelligent", "14 going on 45",
and you possess "so much potential". Where has that gotten you, may I
ask? Absolutely nowhere! You are not perfect, you do not try hard enough,
further more you waste your time on thinking and talking with friends and
drawing! Such acts of indulgence shall not be allowed in the future.
Your friends do not
understand you. They are not truthful. In the past, when the insecurity has
quietly gnawed away at your mind, and you asked them, "Do I
look...fat?" and they answered "Oh no, of course not" you knew
they were lying! Only I tell you the truth. Your parents, let's not even go
there! You know that they love you, and care for you, but part of that is just
that they are your parents and are obligated to do so. I shall tell you a
secret now: deep down inside themselves, they are disappointed with you. Their
daughter, the one with so much potential, has turned into a fat, lazy, and
undeserving girl.
But I am about to change all
that.
I expect a lot from you. You
are not allowed to eat much. It will start slowly: decreasing of fat intake,
reading the nutrition labels, cutting out junk food, fried food, etc. For a
while, the exercise will be simple: some running, perhaps some crunches and
some sit-ups. Nothing too serious. Perhaps drop a few pounds, take a little off
of that fat tub of a stomach. But it won't be long before I tell you that it
isn't good enough.
I will expect you to drop
your calorie intake and up your exercise. I will push you to the limit. You
must take it because you cannot defy me! I am beginning to imbed myself into
you. Pretty soon, I am with you always. I am there when you wake up in the
morning and run to the scale. The numbers become both friend and enemy, and the
frenzied thoughts pray for them to be lower than yesterday, last night, etc.
You look into the mirror with dismay. You prod and poke at the fat that is
there, and smile when you come across bone. I am there when you figure out the
plan for the day: 400 calories, 2 hours exercise. I am the one figuring this
out, because by now my thoughts and your thoughts are blurring together as one.
I follow you throughout the
day. In school, when your mind wanders I give you something to think about.
Recount your calories for the day. It's too much. I fill your mind with
thoughts of food, weight, calories, and things that are safe to think about.
Because now, I am already inside of you. I am in your head, your heart, and
your soul. The hunger pains you pretend not to feel is me, inside of you.
Pretty soon I am telling you
not only what to do with food, but what to do ALL of the time. Smile and nod.
Present yourself well. Suck in that fat stomach, dammit! God, you are such a
fat cow!!! When mealtimes come around I tell you what to do. I make a plate of
lettuce seem like a feast fit for a king. Push the food around. Make it look
like you've eaten something. No piece of anything... if you eat, all the
control will be broken...do you WANT that?? To revert back to the fat COW you
once were?? I force you to stare at magazine models. Those perfect skinned,
white teethed, waifish models of perfection staring out at you from those
glossy pages. I make you realize that you could never be them. You will always
be fat and never will you be as beautiful as they are. When you look in the
mirror, I will distort the image. I will show you obesity and hideousness. I
will show you a sumo wrestler where in reality there is a starving child. But
you must know this, because if you knew the truth, you might start to eat again
and our relationship would come crashing down.
Sometimes you will rebel.
Hopefully not often though. You will recognize the small rebellious fiber left
in your body and will venture down to the dark kitchen. The cupboard door will
open slowly open, creaking softly. Your eyes will move over the food cupboard
door will slowly open, creaking softly. Your eyes will move over the food that
I have kept at a safe distance from you. You will find your hands reaching out
lethargically, like a nightmare, through the darkness to the box of crackers.
You shove them in, mechanically, not really tasting but simply relishing in the
fact that you are going against me. You reach for another box, then another,
then another. Your stomach will become bloated and grotesque, but you will not
stop yet. And all the time I am screaming at you to stop, you fat cow, you
really have no self-control, you are going to get fat.
When it is over, you will
cling to me again, ask me for advice because you really do not want to get fat.
You broke a cardinal rule and ate, and now you want me back. I'll force you
into the bathroom, onto your knees, staring into the void of the toilet bowl.
Your fingers will be inserted into your throat, and, not without a great deal
of pain, your food binge will come up. Over and over this is to be repeated,
until you spit up blood and water and you know it is all gone. When you stand
up, you will feel dizzy. Don't pass out. Stand up right now. You fat cow you
deserve to be in pain!
Maybe the choice of getting
rid of the guilt is different. Maybe I chose to make you take laxatives, where
you sit on the toilet until the wee hours of the morning, feeling your insides
cringe. Or perhaps I just make you hurt yourself, bang your head into the wall
until you receive a throbbing headache. Cutting is also effective. I want you
to see your blood, to see it fall down your arm, and in that split second you
will realize you deserve whatever pain I give you. You are depressed, obsessed,
in pain, hurting, reaching out but no one will listen! Who cares?! You are
deserving; you brought this upon yourself.
Oh, is this harsh? Do you
not want this to happen to you? Am I unfair? I do do things that will help you.
I make it possible for you to stop thinking of emotions that cause you stress.
Thoughts of anger, sadness, desperation, and loneliness can cease because I
take them away and fill your head with the methodic calorie counting. I take
away your struggle to fit in with kids your age, the struggle of trying to
please everyone as well. Because now, I am your only friend, and I am the only
one you need to please.
I have a weak spot. But we
must not tell anyone. If you decide to fight back, to reach out to someone and
tell them about how I make you live, all hell will break lose. No one must find
out, no one can crack this shell that I have covered you with. I have created
you, this thin, perfect, achieving child. You are mine and mine alone. Without
me, you are nothing. So do not fight back. When others comment, ignore them.
Take it into stride, forget about them, forget about everyone that tries to
take me away. I am your greatest asset, and I intend to keep it that way.
Sincerely, Ana