Last Man Standing
Well today everybody is hurt. Mom's out of town. Dad's in Alice, Serg busted his knee again, and Nico came down with a cold. I am the last viable man child which probably means more of a work load for me. Joy of joys.

To top it off I thought I was going to get my pay check today, and I didn't. It was like coming down for christmas to find the grinch shit in the tree water and wiped himself on the garland. Sucked. I had plans for that money. I was going to go out and buy something worthless and pointless and stupid for the first time in like six months. Now I'm just kinda bored. Waiting for Higgs to come by, which I'm not so sure he will.

What really sucks is that I'm still gonna owe money to blockbuster. I can only fight off a few more squads of evil hired video ninja's before I crack. I've been itchy for a new movie though, seriously. And a cigarette..........and some crack............a lot has happened since the last time I wrote here.

Happy worrying,
Sonny

I love a rainy night
So last night I saw Type O, and now that I am the guardian of an autographed drum head from everyone in the band, I can die a happy man. Well at least a moderately contented man. Seeing them live has re-established for me the reason why I claim that Type O Negative is one of my favorite bands: THEY FUCKING ROCK THE ASS OFF OF ANY MUSIC YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE!!

And it's not just they music that they wrote. Even their covers that they twist into their own style are really cool. I mean any band can come up with a song that I'll listen to, but when you can change "My Sherona" into a song that I wouldn't mind listening to, that takes some damn talent.

Well I should probably go. To fill people in on the past month, I am no longer in the service of Satan. I now work as a substitute teacher for the Alice Independant School District, and I currently have a long term contract teaching a communications class, which is my major and one of the only subjects that holds any real interest for me. So that's a plus shot. And a great step up in pay :D The only problem was I had to cut my hair. Anybody who knows what drivers licence picture sonny looks like, knows what I look like now.

Yeah I sold out, so what? Someday you'll learn that trading in values, opinions, and free thought for ambition and money is what most people call growing up. Oh woe is me *le sigh*

Yeah, I'm an angsty bastard. Deal with it.

Rockin in the Free World
So......Type O's coming to town. I know this because everyone and their mother has told me so. I'm glad because if it wasn't for my network of friends then I would never find out anything. I've decided that I'm not gonna worry about jokes. If something comes out funny, then I'm gonna just let it lie, kinda like my attitude toward the dishes in the sink. There was something that happened to me last week, that might be worth sharing. I don't know wheather to believe it or not because it involves a person who does like to screw with my mind, my surrogate sister "Sarah".

I was over at her house, and we were having a few beers, and talking about a mutual friend of ours who had died trajically in a car crash recently. Both of us mentioned that we could feel something there, that there was another presence. Me I'm used to that kind of feeling, to her it was too creepy to even focus on what we were talking about. I walk off for a piss, come back and there's an open beer for me. Now there aren't many people who would get me a beer even after I tell them I'm not having anymore. Justin wasn't there, Sarah promised she wasn't going to try and force me to drink(though she's still a suspect), and the other is dead......though we had been talking about him quite a bit already.

Well we get passed this, though I'm still a bit suspicious of Sarah. She keeps talking about our friend and an uncle of her's that died, and keeps mentioning a flickering light off in the distance, and how "wierd" she feels. Then she suddenly went off on how I need to get out and try new things and not be afraid to do something outrageous sometimes. I need to stop worrying about the consequences and seize the day. She builds up this whole scenario about how we can go out to a club somewhere and make up new identities and just have a good time. She hardly takes a breath, all the while mentioning how she feels weird and noticing that flickering light in the distance and uses exaggerated hand motions, a quirk a certain deceased friend of mine had, but not my little sister.

She goes inside for a moment, comes back, and I start to tell her a story about a girl, and suddenly I feel like everything's gone. She blinks her eyes a few times, looks at me and says "He's gone." I smirk and lean in asking "Who's gone?" She looks confused and asks "What?" I repeat my question and she doesn't seem to know what I'm talking about. According to her she feels like she just woke up from a dream and she doesn't know a thing I'm talking about.........

So what should I think? Did a friend of mine try to leave me a message through my little "sister" and the last person that he had "gone out" with, or should I just break Sarah's nose for screwing with my mind. Thoughts are appreciated.

Diffused
I'm sorry to everyone. Anyone I've ever hurt, I apologize. I take back everything I may have said, I truely do. To everyone.

I mope. Way too much. It's a good thing I don't know anyone quite like me because I would have kicked his ass already. With extreme prejudice. Oh well..... I give up for now. Nothing new.

Wait wait wait. There is something I'd like to share. You've come here so your gonna get to hear about. We are renovating my house. The air ducts are currently removed, so there is no air conditioning in a south texas summer. South Texas Summer+No A/C=death. As a result, my father will be living in MY trailer for the next few days. Now I don't know how well you may know me exactly, I don't have much that I consider my territory, but you don't step into my territory for too long. I'm gonna explode man. To add to things, if they don't finish the ducts in the next few days.......my entire family will be moving into my trailer........

If you loved me, you'd let my family move in for a week......

--Sonny

Everyone's Dead
Barry White died last night. I'm not a particular fan of him, but....dude........it's barry friggin white. He's a big dude who made it in the recording industry, and you gotta give him props for that. His voice is probably what was playing when you were concieved. I know it's what me and your mom were listening to last night. Shnoogans. Buddy Hackett died too.......which is sad. I was just thinking the other day what the hell happened to buddy hackett. Damn.......next thing you'll tell me is Cathrine Hepburn died too.....

Quick and Cheap joke........kinda like you like your women I hear.

Joe Smith, same old joe from the joke below, had a dream. In fact it was the night after his milk man died. He wasn't a particularly religious man, but in this dream, he found himself walking on clouds, bathed in golden sunlight, dress in a pair of jeans and a relaxed white button down shirt. He could hear "A Whiter Shade of Pale" pumped in gently on unseen speakers. He came to a set of immaculate gates inlaid with pearls, and they openned up slowly for him. He was blinded from the light behind the gates, until his eyes adjusted. Once they did he was looking at and aging black man in comfortably tattered clothes playing a guitar sitting on a beaten up bar stool. Without looking up the man on the barstool said "Hey joe.....How do you like the place"

Joe was awestruck. He didn't know the first thing to say he opened his mouth and the first thing that came out was "Who are you?" The answer was simple "If you don't know that then maybe this isn't your stop" Joe quickly corrected "I mean what should I call you" The old man stopped for a second and after a thought he shook his head with a shrug "Whatever you want really.....I love ya all the same" Joe smiled at the thought then suddenly remembered his family "Am I --"

"Dead? No not dead. Just dreaming." He went back to his guitar " You've got a lovely daughter there Joe, and you had your balls right against the ban saw" The old man chuckled at the thought of it "I figured I'd give you a chance to make it up to you. Three questions. That's it." Joe opened his mouth with a confused look on his face "Is that one of your questions?" Asked God, not looking up at all

Joe suddenly had an idea from something he remembered in sunday school. But he had to be sure first "A million years is a really long time to me, how long is it to you?" God stopped for a second and thought "'bout a second" then he went back to his guitar. Joe smiled "A trillion dollars is a lot of money to me, what's it like to you?" God smiled without looking up "I'd say around a penny"

Joe smiled wider "Can I have a penny?"
God looked up flatly and put down the guitar "In a second" and suddenly Joe's alarm went off.

Food
How much do you really trust something you cooked yourself. I was starving and I just cooked myself a chorizo taco after finding that the left over fajitas in the fridge had decomposed into jelly. Mmmmm Delicious and appitizing. So I'm frying this stuff up and cooking has always been a haphazard event for me, everything just kinda falls in the pan and I hope for the best, unless I'm in my own kitchen and I know where everything is......I'm weird but you probably guessed that.

ANYWAY I take a big bite out of my first taco and......it's a little too squishy. With the memories of the fajita jelly, this isn't a pretty feeling. Then I get to thinking This stuff is pork, what if I cooked it wrong? What if I die in some terrible fit of nausea and disentary with pork shooting out of both ends until I DIE. Funny thing was, I kinda shrugged it off with the thought

"Well at least I won't have to go to work..."

A quick joke I thought I'd share, as given to me by my good friend Justin....

The noises women make in the moment of passion can be a funny thing, if you think about it. I don't know about you but every woman I've ever been with has screamed a different vowel from the last one. It's like "AAAA" "EEEE" "AYE!" "OHHH" and "OOOOO" and sometimes "WHY!!!!"

tasteless, but funny I thought

Blah.....Michael Caine
I've been thinking about making one of these for a while, but tonight I had to vent a little. Tomorrow I wake up and I have to clean out a garage I don't even use, with a brother who hates me even though I probably saved his life by finally ratting him out, and then after that few hours of crap fest, I have to take a shower, get dressed and guess what........you'll never guess.........GO TO WORK FORM SIX TO FUCKING MIDNIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Right now I hate my life with the burning rage of ten thousand suns.
BUT ANYWAY, this is supposed to be a funny site, so.....

There once was a man named Joe Smith. Joe was worked for an advertising agency in a cubicle kinda job that he hated. He lived in a small suburban community with his beautiful daughter Kari, and his georgeous wife Jane. Joe loved them both, football, porno, and books about war. He was well.....the average Joe.
There was one thing that Joe loved above all else, and that was tucking in Kari everynight. Joe would read her the same two books, Where the Wildthings Are and The Lorax, and then just before he turned out the light, just as she was rubbing her big blue eyes sleepily he would say "Okay Honey....Say your prayers." To which Kari would respond dutifully "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, God bless Grandpa, and God bless the whole world"
Every night sent Joe off to bed with a smile for his wife at the beautiful little girl they had created together, then one night was different. Oh he read the same books, and he tucked her in with the same bear, but when Kari said her prayers she said "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and Good bye Grandpa"
The words struck deadpan in his ears. Goodbye Grandpa. Now Joe had lost his father in an accident at the tire plant a long time ago. A gorilla had escaped from the zoo and mauled his father, a jizz wiper at the local peep show, on a tour of the tire plant. No Jane's father was the only Grandpa Kari had. That's why Joe didn't forget it when he got the call the next morning saying Jane's father had died in the night.
Time passed. They buried Jane's father. Joe stayed very strong for her and Kari. That month he even called up his mother, even told her he loved her, based on the advice of Opera and Dr. Phil. This was a break through because Joe hadn't spoken to his mother since he found her on Hollywood and Vine, drunk, and selling BJ's for cigarettes. Joe was happy he did though cause that night as he tucked in Kari he heard "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and Good bye Grandma"
Sure enough, the next morning, Joe's mother, Kari's only Grandmother was found dead on Hollywood and Vine. Joe was awestruck. There was only one explination, his little girl was Psychic. So imagine Joe's distress when he said "Alright honey, say your prayers" and she said "God bless mommy, and GOODBYE DADDY....."
He was lost in thought. She had to be wrong. It had to be a coinsidence. Was he really going to die in some freak accident within the next day?! He decided to play it safe. He stayed up all night drinking coffee and watching infomercials. As he got in his car, a new boflex on the way, he drove 20 miles an hour on his ten mile commute to work, staying far away from traffic. He couldn't leave Kari without a daddy, he couldn't leave Jane without a man who knew how to tie her up just right.
When he got to work, all he could do was sit at his cubicle and write the date over and over again, with the pot of coffee in one hand. He couldn't even oogle the huge breasted intern who liked to wiggle through and wink at anyone she thought was middle management and could get her a better job. He couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep, he couldn't oogle, he was afraid to go to the bathroom even. He was a sad excuse of a man. Until midnight.
At the stroke of midnight exactly he danced to his car, quite sure now that his daughter wasn't some freaky christopher walken rip off, and he sped home while eating a giant greasy bacon burger. As he finally came home, he kicked open the door and saw his georgeous wife sitting in the living room waiting for him. He breathed a sigh of relief as he saw her, and removed his coat. "Honey you will not BELIEVE the day I just had. Firs-"
She cut him off quickly, obviously agitated "YOUR DAY?! I WAKE UP AT EIGHT O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING AND FIND THE MILK MAN DEAD ON OUR FRONT PORCH!!"

Moral: Every Joe Average should beat the shit out of the milk man....no offense to milk men.....you guys are just playa's apparently

P.S. If you read this far and still didn't get it, Kari wasn't really his daughter. Jane had actually had sex with their milk man while Joe was away at work. You see when a man and a woman decide they love each other......