I don't think I fully understood what it felt like to be suicidal, truly suicidal, until now.
I just don't know what to say anymore. perhaps, I am sick of saying anything at all.
To get out of here, but it isn't that simple because you have to put in your 72 hour notice and they can take you to court. the judge can order me to the hospital for 6 months to one year and if that happens (which it probably would considering I have attempted suicide here twice) the involuntary commitment would be on my permanent record.
however, if anyone out there has any brilliant suggestions on how to resolve this situation - please let me know. I cannot even go to the doctor and I have a bit of an emergency going on right now. I want to bust these people for the shit they have put me through.
I have been inpatient for six weeks and I have attempted suicide here twice and have been placed on c.o. (constant observation) for the last four weeks because of this. here are some highlights from my treatment:
last weekend (the first weekend in February) I decided to stop eating. I refused iv's and got deemed incompetent to make that decision and got one stuck in me anyway. because of this, I had all my privileges taken away - including the computer.
I just got it back yesterday but not without a fight. there is a girl here that has totally made me feel like shit. she says that I need to improve my eating habits and that I hog the remote control. talk about a way to depress me further. she even brought it up at community meeting where the entire patient and staff community attends. god. I swear I am not that bad, either that or I can't smell worth shit. either way, that girl needs a good beat down.
because of this I have decided to just hide in my corner and not say a word. I have completed two books and now I am on the unquiet mind, which so far, is excellent.
my mother is coming out to visit the first weekend in march and I am very eager and scared to see her. she judges me a lot on my weight and I am not exactly ready for that because I am not underweight anymore. far from it. *hangs head in disappointment*.
never mind my anniversary in three days. I didn't forget that, how could I? there is no 'fill in the blank' for that. I still want flowers *whimpers*
if I don't get flowers for valentines day, I will cry. it isn't because of the boyfriend factor (because I don't have one) but rather because of what I have gone through and the bitch that the day is. fucking men.