Well, here's my bio that used to be on fanfiction.net but it was too annoying to scroll through it all. Enjoy! *New Quotes have been added!*
Foods:
Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream
Olive Garden Breadsticks
Dr. Pepper
Strawberry Daquiris
Actors: (First saw in)
Johnny Depp (Edward Scissorhands. I LOVE that movie!)
Keifer Sutherland (Three Musketeers)
Christian Slater (Broken Arrow)
Christopher Walken (The Dead Zone)
Billy Boyd (LOTR)
Elijah Wood (Flipper)
Viggo Mortensen (Young Guns 2)
Orlando Bloom (LOTR/Black Hawk Down-explained at bottom)
Clint Eastwood (The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly)
Harrison Ford (Indiana Jones)
Sean Connery (i don't even remember)
Fred Astaire (who cares, he's awesome)
Gene Kelly (what else?, singing in the rain)
Actresses:
Radha Mitchell (Pitch Black)
Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
Keira Knightley (POTC)
Mae West (My Little Chickadee)
Bands:
All American Rejects
Matchbox Twenty
Evanescence
New Found Glory
Maroon5
Nickelback
Linkin Park
Simple Plan
Incubus
Jet
Red Hot Chili Peppers
The Calling
Solo Artists:
Josh Groban
Jason Mraz
Dido
Frank Sinatra
Bing Crosby
Rod Stewart
Out of the blue Quotes:
Ooh, a snickers!
Is that a chicken?
mooharharharhar...
(Sex makes you lose 40 calories-Breanna) (Me, all intrigued)Really?
Other Quotes:
Snarky-Monica( southwesteggroll is her s/n)
How 'bout that sky today? Talk about blue...-Monica
They'll steal your underpants without you knowing. They're the underpants, underpants, underpants fairies....-Candace
Blah.-Jo
Crackers!-Jo
Brilliant!-Ryan
Ryan: Can I have a napkin?
Breanna: No. You don’t need a napkin.
Ryan: Yes I do. I have cheese on my fingers.
Breanna: Well that’s what you get for putting your fingers in her cheese.
Jo: Keep your fingers out of my cheese!
Jo: I saved an ant.
Me: Golf clap? (nods) Golf clap. **golf clap**
Jo: Mr. PooPoo the monkey poo, he loves you cause you poo too.
Breanna: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Jo: (hits me because laughing makes her back hurt and Breanna is too far away)
Ryan: To molest the chicken on the other side. No, no, no, wait! To get to the cheese! Yeah…
Breanna: No. Because it was a hippo!
Everyone else: Huh?
Jo: Fuck you.
Me: Please don’t.
Jo: No, wait. Fuck Ben.
Me: I’d rather not.
Jo: He rather would.
Karen: Watson, you’re a genius.
Me: No shit, Sherlock.
Both: *die laughing on the front lawn*
Me: Have you ever blinked just for the Hell of it? *blink*
Jo: We should all laugh after we step on cockroaches. It should be all ‘squish’ then ‘HAHA!’
Someone: What would you do if a plane crashed right in front of you?
Jo: Laugh.
Me: Say ‘that sucks’ then laugh?
Someone: *walks away nervously*
Me: Ha.
Jo: Haha.
Me: Hahaha.
Jo: Hah- (starts counting on fingers but can’t look at hand without laughing) No, God Damn it.
Breanna (to Ryan): Get out of my pudding!
Me: Ryan, keep yourself to…yourself.
Breanna: First you're all 'We wanna grow up!', now we're all 'We want menopause!'. It sucks.
Jo: Once?!
Me: Fly away butter! (I attempted to say either fly away buddy or fly away buster but they got mixed up)
(online)
Jo: i'm not your abnormal friend am i
Jo: ?
Me:umm.....maaayyyyybeeeeeeeeee
Jo: i knew it
Me: :-D
Jo: you better smile
Me: Why?
Jo: 'cause i said so
Me: okay..i am
ElctThunderstorm: blog
Jo: oh god, guess what
Jo: well guess
Me: you found a story you like?
Jo: no...Keep guessin
Me: u
Jo: put it this way, it pissed me off really bad
Me: you died?
Jo: hey you there
Me: mmhmm
Jo: oh anyways
Me: doodoodoodoo
Jo: the ball got to were i was catching a whole lot faster and i busted about 3 blood vessels in my left index finger
Jo: oww
Me: Ow.
Jo: ya I can’t even type with it
Me: I sorry
Jo: not your fault
Me: you can go check out my lame ass stories if it’ll make you feel better
Jo: hmmm
Movie Quotes:
Humiliated Grapes, really.-Jack Sparrow, POTC
I dated a eunuch once.-Pintel, POTC
Savvy?-Jack Sparrow, POTC
That still only counts as one!-Gimli, LOTR:ROTK
I told you to get the wizard's staff.-Grima Wormtongue, LOTR:TTT
(Remember, count to 3, not 5, 3.)1..2..5, NO 3!-Monty Python and the Holy Grail
I killed a mirror. And my shower door.-Mort Rainey, Secret Window
Chico! Do not be discouraged! All right, be discouraged ya blind bastard!- Mort Rainey, Secret Window
Well, heck Ted, live a little. Make it two...Rubbernecker!-Mort Rainey, Secret Window
Three Musketeers:
Rochfort. Isn't that a smelly kind of cheese?-Porthos
Go home boy. Find a wench. Have fat babies and live a good long life.-Porthos
Guard: Do you intend to resist?
Porthos: Oh don't be so stupid, of course we intend to resist! Just give us a minute!
[To his comrades:]
Porthos: Five of them, three of us. Hardly seems fair.
Aramis: Maybe we should give them a chance to surrender.
D'Artagnan: Excuse me, there's four of us.
Athos: It isn't your fight. You're not a Musketeer.
D'Artagnan: I may not wear the tunic, but I believe I have the heart of a Musketeer.
Porthos: Warrior?
Aramis: Poet!
Athos: You got a name, boy?
D'Artagnan: D'Artagnan.
Athos: Athos, Porthos, Aramis.
D'Artagnan: Pleased to meet you again.
Aramis: Pleasure.
Porthos: Everyone acquainted?
[The four whirl around and unsheath their swords.]
Porthos: NOW, we are ready to resist you!
D'Artagnan: WAIT!
Cardinal Richelieu: You object to losing your head?
D'Artagnan: Yes, I like it where it is!
Already?-D'Artagnan
Bad Guy: It's Porthos the Pirate! AAAAH!
[The bad guys jump overboard]
D'Artagnan: Pirate?
Porthos: I told you I was famous.
Benny and Joon:
Sam: You don't like raisins?
Joon: Not really.
Sam: Why?
Joon: They used to be fat and juicy and now they're twisted. They had their lives stolen. Well, they taste sweet, but really they're just humiliated grapes. I can't say I am a big supporter of the raisin council.
Sam: Did you see those, those raisins on TV? The ones that sing and dance and stuff?
Joon: They scare me.
Sam: Yeah me too
Joon: It's sick. The commercial people they make them sing and dance so people will eat them.
Sam: It's a shame about raisins.
Joon: Cannibals.
Sam: Yeah. Do you like avocados?
Joon: They're a fruit you know.
Sam: Ruthie, do you got any avocados? -Benny and Joon
Joon: You're out of your tree.
Sam: It's not my tree.
Joon: You can't throw him out, I won him!
Joon: Did you have to go to school for that?
Sam: No, no, I got thrown out of school for that.
Sam: Thanks for the couch. Um... Mike made me sleep under the sink.
Joon: He can really cook, can't he?
Benny: Yeah, although for grilled cheese, I might use the wool setting.
Joon: That's what I told him.
Benny: Really? What did he use?
Joon: Rayon. Silk would have been too soggy. Cotton would have...
Benny: Would have burned it.
Joon: Right. Fortunately, he consulted me before giving it steam. I was four square against it.
Emperor's New Groove:
Pacha: Uh oh.
Kuzco: Don't tell me: We're about to go over a huge waterfall.
Pacha: Yep.
Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?
Pacha: Most likely.
Kuzco: Bring it on.
That's probably gonna come back to haunt me.-Krunk
[After falling into the alligator pit]
Yzma: Why do we even HAVE that lever?
[After falling into the SAME alligator pit]
Kuzco: Okay... why does she even HAVE that lever?
Kuzco: OK, I admit it. Maybe I wasn't as nice as I should have been but, Yzma, do you really want to kill me?
Yzma: Just think of it as you're being let go, that your life's going in a different direction, that your body's part of a permanent outplacement.
Kronk: Hey. That's sorta the same thing he said to you when you got fired.
Yzma: I know, it's called a "cruel irony". Like my dependence on you.
Yzma: I practically raised him.
Kronk: You'd think he would've turned out better.
Yzma: Yeah, go figure.
It's a good thing you're not a big fat guy or this would be really difficult.-Kuzco
[Kronk cuts a rope so that a chandelier will fall on Yzma and kill her. It falls around Yzma, instead of on her]
Kronk: Strange... that usually works.
Yzma: So does THIS.
[pulls lever for trap door]
Kronk: Huh. Shoulda seen that one coming.
Yzma: Kronk. Why did I think you could do this? This one simple thing. It's like I'm talking to a monkey.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Whoa, now.
Yzma: A really big, stupid monkey named KRONK.
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Ouch.
Yzma: And you want to know something else? I've never liked your spinach puffs.
[Kronk, his shoulder angel, and his shoulder devil all simultaneously gasp]
Yzma: Never.
[Kronk begins to cry]
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: That's it.
[cocks pitchfork like a gun]
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: She's goin' down.
Kuzco: I can't believe this is happening.
Yzma: Then I bet you weren't expecting *this*.
[Yzma pulls up her dress. Kuzco and Pacha scream.]
Yzma: [Yzma revealing a knife attatched to her leg.] Ah-ha.
[Kuzco and Pacha sigh with relief]
Kuzco: Oh, okay.
[Pacha has gotten himself and Kuzco tied to a log]
Kuzco: Maybe I'm just new to this whole "rescuing" thing, but this, to *me*, might be considered a set backwards, wouldn't you say?
Pacha: No, no; this is all right. We can work this out.
[The log starts to break]
Kuzco: I hate you.
Pitch Black:
Johns: How's it look?
Riddick: Looks clear.
[They step forward, and a creature jumps at them. They fight and kill it.]
Johns: You said it was clear!
Riddick: I said it *looked* clear.
Johns: Well, how does it look now?
Riddick: Looks clear.
Paris: Paris P. Olgilvie. Antiquities dealer, entrepreneur.
Riddick: Richard B. Riddick. Escaped convict. Murderer.
Johns: Battlefield doctors decide who lives and dies. It's called 'triage'.
Riddick: They kept calling it 'murder' when I did it.
[Riddick snaps the neck of a raptor]
Riddick: Did not know who he was fuckin with.
Riddick: I know you don't prep your emergency ship unless there's a fuckin' emergency.
Jack: He's fuckin' right.
Johns: Hey, watch your mouth.
Riddick: Once the killing starts, this psycho fuck family of ours is gonna rip itself apart.
[They hear creatures inside the ship]
Richard B. Riddick: Come on, Johns. You got the big gauge.
William J. Johns: I'd rather piss glass. Why don't you go fuckin' check?
Carolyn Fry: How much do you weigh, Johns?
William J. Johns: What's it matter, Carolyn?
Carolyn Fry: How much?!
William J. Johns: Around 79 kilos, to be exact.
Carolyn Fry: 'Cause you're 79 kilos of gutless white meat, and that's why you can't think of a better plan.
The Mummy:
[After a shipwreck.]
Beni: Hey O'Connell! Looks to me like I've got all the horses!
Rick: Hey Beni! Looks to me like you're on the wrong side of the river!
Rick: I've been to Hamunaptra.
Evelyn: You swear?
Rick: Every damn day.
Evelyn: [drunk] You're wondering what a place like me is doing in a girl like this.
[Upon opening the tomb]
Evelyn: I've dreamt about this since I was a little girl.
Rick: You dream about dead guys?
Rick: You're gonna get yours, Beni! You hear me? You're gonna get yours!
Beni: Oh, like I've never heard *that* before!
Rick: So let me get this straight, they reducted your guts and they stuffed them in jars?
Evelyn: And they took out your heart as well. Oh, and do you know how they took out your brain?
Jonathan: Evy, I don't think that we need to know this
Evelyn: They took a sharp, red hot poker, stick it up your nose, scramble things about a bit, and then rip it all out through your nostrils.
Rick: Ooh, that's got to hurt!
Evelyn: It's called mummification, you'll be dead when they do this.
Rick: For the record, if I don't make it out of here, don't put me down for mummification.
Jonathan: Likewise.
Evelyn: Why is this man in prison?
Warden Gad Hassan: This I did not know. But when I heard you were coming, I asked him that thing myself.
Evelyn: And what did he say?
Warden Gad Hassan: That he was just looking for a good time.
Evelyn: Where are they taking him?
Warden Gad Hassan: To be hanged. Apparently, he had a VERY good time.
Ardeth Bay: [To Alex] By putting on the bracelet, you have started a chain reaction that could bring about the next apocalypse.
Alex: [gasp]
Rick: [To Ardeth] Hey, you, lighten up.
[To Alex]
Rick: You, big trouble.
[To Jonathan]
Rick: You, get in the car.
Alex: My dad is going to kick your ass.
Imhotep: I do not think so.
[To Rick]
Izzy: Every time I hook up with you, I get shot. Last time I got shot in the ass.
[After crashing through London and fighting off the Mummy soldiers]
Rick: You okay?
Ardeth Bay: This was my first bus ride.
Izzy: This thing is filled with gas, dammit. Not hot air, gas. Where am I supposed to find gas around here? Bananas? Mangos? Tarzan's ass?
Rick: Folks, knowing my brother-in-law, he probably deserves whatever you're about to do to him. But this is my house, and I have certain rules about snakes and dismemberments.
Izzy: O'Connell, if you give me that gold stick there, you can shave my head, wax my legs, and use me for a surfboard.
Rick: Didn't we do that in Tripoli?
Rick: All right - you're here, the bad guys are here, Evie's been kidnapped - let me guess...
Ardeth Bay: Yes. Once again they removed the creature from his grave.
Jonathan: I don't mean to point fingers, but isn't it your job to make sure that doesn't happen?
[After breaking the key of in the ignition.]
Alex: You broke it. You broke it. You broke it.
Jonathan: Be quiet Alex. If there are going to be any hysterics, they should come from me.
Rick: Where the hell is Jonathon?
[Jonathon drives up in a 2-story bus]
Rick: What's the matter with my car?
Jonathan: I was forced to choose another means of transportation.
Rick: A double-decker bus.
Jonathan: [pointing to Alex] It was his idea.
Alex: Was not.
Jonathan: Was too.
Alex: Was not.
Jonathan: Was too.
Rick: Just go.
[about Ahm Shere]
Evelyn: Alexander the Great sent 1,000 soldiers to look for it.
Rick: Great for him.
Evelyn: Caesar sought for it.
Rick: Look what happened to his career.
Evelyn: So did Napoleon.
Rick: Yeah, well, we're smarter than him. And taller.
Evelyn: Exactly. And that's why we'll find it.
Rick: Because we're taller?
Johnny Depp Quotes:
Is there a plane?-POTC Blooper
The only gossip I'm interested in is things from the Weekly World News-'Woman's bra bursts, 11 injured'. That kind of thing.
I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.
Fear... Fear... Utter fear. Clowns! Clowns scare me.
I would do anything Tim wanted me to. You know - have sex with an aardvark... I would do it. I love Tim. I love working with him. We have a strange connection. It's weird. Neither one of us is a great talker. Neither one of us finishes a sentence properly. Tim is worse than me at that. Somehow we understand each other when we work together.
I used to use the name Mr. Stench; it was funny to be in a posh hotel and hear a very proper concierge call out, 'Mr. Stench, please.' I never really stayed under the name 'Donkey Penis'. That was an example. I mentioned it to a reporter once. But I have been Roid -- Emma Roid.
The set, it transpired, was also a military testing ground for Nato. 'So apart from the weather, we were dealing with bombing raids,' says Depp. ‘Nato were using it for target practice. The set was here…’ (he places his tobacco on the table) ‘and base camp, the trailers and stuff, was here...' (he puts his Zippo down) 'and these bastards were coming in and dropping bombs right here…’ He pokes a long, elegant finger in the space between the tobacco and the Zippo and laughs. ‘I remember thinking, hey – I hope they don’t f*** up.’
Three is a sort of special number for me. It's a very creative number. Triangle, trinity - you know, two people make another person. Three is a mystical, magical number. (MY-the author- favorite number is three. Weird, huh?)
I'm a good smoker; a good driver; not a bad drinker; and an excellent sleeper - the four things I do best in life. I love smoking. I've been doing it for years. Never even thought about giving it up. I roll my own: Drum tobacco. A scummy Hollywood gossip columnist once said I was obviously a dangerous character because I spoke up for legalisation of marijuana and rolled my own cigarettes. You gotta watch out for the guys who roll their own cigarettes. Stay away from those boys.
I'm not one of those actors who has to be called by his character name, but sometimes it is hard to shake the role at the end of the day or even the end of the film. Jarmusch came to visit me while I was doing Ed Wood, and we went out to dinner. He said to me, "Listen Johnny, you've got to stop this smile - I'm sitting here and I'm talking to Ed Wood and it's really uncomfortable for me, and I'm a little worried about you. Your mouth might get stuck like that, in this hideous grimace."
Orlando Bloom Quotes:
I was 22, I had two more days left of drama school and it was, like, 'Here, have a career.' Boom. There you go.
Legolas's moves are smooth and elegant, like a cat. You know how cats can jump and land steadily on their paws? That's what I'm trying to do. There's a strength in that, but it's very balletic. It's also bloody hard to do without falling over!
I got to dress up in funny clothes and run around New Zealand with a bow and arrow for 18 months, how bad could that be?
The camaraderie involves quite a lot of good-natured ribbing, particularly between Aragorn and Legolas. "We have these digs at each other," explains Orlando Bloom with a laugh. "Viggo will go on about Elves and how they're always doing their nails and brushing their long, blonde hair, and being all prissy. And i just say: Well, at least I'm going to live forever! Got that? LIVE FOREVER!"
"I was trying to get on some friends' roof terrace to kick in a warped door... I stepped on a piece of gutter. It didn't hold.
"I don't recall saying that...from the internet, is that?"
"When I was getting ready to go out, they said 'When you get there, you'll be travelling with someone called Orlando Bloom.' And I saw this guy and I though 'You know he looks...elf like and I went up to him and said 'you wouldn't happen to be Orlando Bloom would you?' and he was like 'Billy!'."
Eddie Izzard Quotes:
What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in?
I have no problem with homophobia. As long as they do it behind closed doors.
Some people are widely read. I'm thinly read.
My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper before him. I want to walk in their footsteps. And their footsteps were like this...
[Runs screaming]
AAAAAAAH! I'm covered in beeeeees!
Peter was the one who said "I don't know him. I don't know him. I don't know him." cock-a-doodle-doo "Oh, HIM!"
We have toasters in this country...and they lie to us! Because it has numbers from one to six and it lies to us!
What exactly is an evil giraffe?
If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a fuck off block of concrete!
[Depicting the end of the Trojan War]
Goodbye! We give up! You win. We've left you a huge fuck off horse...as per usual.
I like my coffee like I like my women...in a plastic cup.
I like my women like I like my coffee... covered in beeees!
This is your pilot speaking. Welcome to flight one from here to there. We'll be flying at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. And our copilot today, is a thermos of coffee.
Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Look, there's Rod Stewart in first class!"
The Pope is guarded by the Swiss guard who stand proudly in pajamas and funny hats.
[Narration over stock footage]
Eddie: San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here.
Eddie: I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
Eddie: If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death.
Eddie: I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over.
Eddie: You say, "Do you want a cup of coffee?" and she says, "Yeah, okay." Then sex is on, yes? Doesn't always work, though. If the President of Burundi says do you want a cup of coffee...
Eddie: Most transvestites fancy girls.
Eddie: When you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy.
Eddie: What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdink! Yes, that'll work.
Eddie: Hitler ended up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire... so, that's fun. And that's funny. Because he was a mass-murdering fuckhead!
Eddie: Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that.
Eddie: We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't!
Eddie: Britain should be in the driving seat of Europe. In the driver's seat, or in the passenger seat. That's good, cuz then you can take a sleep.
Eddie: And Henry VIII, a big hairy king, went up to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope! I'm gonna marry my first wife, then I'm gonna divorce her. Now, I know what you're gonna say, but stick with me. My story gets better. Second wife, I'm gonna kill her! Cut her head off. Ah, not expecting that, are we? Third wife gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her in a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a rotissamat. Seventh wife, made out of jam... " and the Pope is saying, "You crazy bugger! You can't do all this, what are you a Mormon? It's illegal. What have you been reading? The gospel according to St. Bastard?"
Eddie: There's not much makeup in the army, is there? They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?
Eddie: You have the American dream! The American dream is to be born in the gutter and have nothing. Then to raise up and have all the money in the world, and stick it in your ears and go PLBTLBTLBLTLBTLBLT! That's a pretty good dream.
Eddie: We stole countries! That's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags! Sail halfway around the world, stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain." And they're going, "You can't claim us. We live here! There's five hundred million of us." "Do you have a flag?" "We don't need a flag, this is our country you bastard!"
Eddie: You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!"
Eddie: Martin Luther was a German fellow who pinned a note on a church door that said, "Hang on a minute!" Actually, he was German so, "Ein minuten bitte!"
[Re: The European Union]
Eddie: It's the cutting edge of politics in a very extraordinarily boring way!
Eddie: Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no I'm a fucking squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "Fucking nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit." Yeah. So, that's very much like the army.
Eddie: Shooting clay pigeons, I think, yeah, go for that. Shooting clay, clay pigeons are fuckers! Come round your house, whiz through, "fwhooo, fwhooo, fwhooo!" They do nothing... they don't even eat... flies!
Eddie: The National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, uh, people do." But I think, I think the gun helps. You know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that.
Eddie: You say 'erbs', and we say 'herbs', because there's a fucking 'H' in it!
Eddie: Thank you for flying Church of England, cake or death?
[About the Anglican faith]
Eddie: Vicar, I have done many bad things." "Well, so have I." "Well, what should I do?" "Well, drink 5 Bloody Mary's... and you won't remember.
Eddie: Catholicism still has the fire and brimstone "boom boom boom boom 'Row you bastards!'"
Eddie: We love Shaggy and Scooby because they were cowards! Because we can identify with them. We love them! The other guys driving the van? Fuck off!
Eddie: You know, if a woman falls over wearing heels, that's embarrassing, but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to kill yourself. It's the end of your life. Its quite difficult.
Eddie: (to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas") 12 monkeys mating, 11 donkeys dancing, 10 pygmies farming, 9 socks a-swimming, 5 gold rings...
Eddie: The American national anthem I've noticed is a bit hazy in the middle. Cause you start strong and you finish strong, but the middle bit's a bit: (to the tune of the national anthem, where the words are "and the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air") And fish in the sky, and a big monkey pie.
Eddie: In the '30s, Hitler: Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, Second World War... Russian front not a good idea... Hitler never played Risk when he was a kid. Cause, you know, playing Risk, you could never hold on to Asia. That Asian-Eastern European area, you could never hold it, could you? Seven extra men at the beginning of every go, but you couldn't fucking hold it. Australasia, that was the one. Australasia. All the purples. Get everyone on Papua New Guinea and just build up and build up...
[About America]
Eddie: You are the new Roman Empire. There's no one else running. But on the good side, you've orgies and vomitariums to look forward to. Let the President
[Clinton]
Eddie: lead the way!
Eddie: If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.
Eddie: I've done a bit of Latin in my time...but I can control it.
Eddie: Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. "In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal...one horse threw a shoe came in third...the duck was ninth...and five ran."
Eddie: You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is FRESH! I will do well to shop here' You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You'd think 'this is a POO shop! Everything in here is themed on POO!'
Eddie: There was Pope John if you remember, now there is Pope John Paul. The next Pope's gonna be John Paul George and we can see where they're going.
Eddie: He did apologise for the Spanish Inquisition. He said it was far too inquisitive. Supposed to be the Spanish Casual Chat.
Eddie: This is football we're talking about here, which you call bananas and you're reluctant to play it. But you play baseball, the World Series. You've won every year, America's won every year in that. Well done America.
Eddie: Whales are intelligent. They do whale song.
[imitates whale song]
Eddie: We don't know what it means. But I think whales are travelling at 78. They're travelling at 78 speed, if we take them up to 45 speed we'll find they're singing.
[sings]
Eddie: I love you baby and if it's quite alright I love you baby, throughout the night, I love you baby, trust in me when I say.
Eddie: Other animals could have secret talents, like tigers might be good with banjos.
Eddie: The right-wing papers in Britain, they loved it because they could sell all the newspapers. "You frenchy, froggy, froggy, frenchy. Our lovely beefy. You frenchy, froggy, frenchy". This was a Times editorial piece.
Eddie: But then the Roman Empire fell like this- "oh shit". And we went into what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone was going -"er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Then there was the dark Ages. " I can't even see you! Where are you?"
Eddie: [The Renaissance] But they had a French name. It gave them a certain Je ne sais quoi, a certain savoir faire, a certain détante. A certain... cul-de-sac, a certain ...Jacques Chirac. A certain . . . pomme de terre. A certain vie de la Dordogne. Fuck it.
Eddie: [Leonardo da Vinci] And he invented the helicopter .. that did.. not.. work. And so did I! Yeah. Did not work.
Anybody who hasn't watched any Eddie Izzard stand up, you don't know what laughing is...
The thing with Orlando Bloom to be explained. I was grounded for three months when LOTR came out so I was totally peeved I couldn't go see it(I had read all three books right after I saw the first trailers) so we bought it right when it went to video and that was the same time Black Hawk Down came out so we rented it. Therefore, I saw both at the same time AND Black Hawk down is the only post-Civil War war movie I like. That's a hard title to earn.