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In Between Dreams
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Packing, Leaving.
Mood:  hug me
Here's to the night we felt alive.
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry.
Here's to goodbye tomorrow's going to come too soon.

- - -

It's strange feeling tears prickling the backs of your eyes as you stare at all the away icons on your AIM buddy list. It makes the tears actually well up and fall when you read the things - seeing the words "packing," "should have done this a while ago," and "leaving" in pretty much all of them over and over again every day for the last two weeks. And then the heart clenches and the stomach curls uncomfortably when you realize that your day's coming. It's waiting there for you, at the end of the week.

It's strange trying to grasp the fact that these last three days will be the last three days that this house on this street will be your home. Home will be the various college dorms you're assigned to over the next four years and after that, it'll be the apartment or condo that you'll have bought for myself. Mom's home-cooked meals are a thing of the past and in the future, they will be gifts rather than one of those constants in one's life as a child. And it's because that chapter of your life is at an end, in three days.

It's strange seeing the familiar faces you've always taken for granted and realizing that one day, they won't be familiar anymore. You're going to forget about them and after a while, you'll forget that there was ever something there to remember. The people at school that you've grown up with, that have passed the same halls you have in the years of your life, will no longer walk the same paths that you do. Those kids from your elementary school that you've never really spoken to are leaving, just as you are, and you may have lost them forever.

But those friends you've made - the really close ones that you'd laugh at everything with, that you'd gone through everything with...well those, those you just try to hold onto as best you can. Because those are the ones that will keep the long lost faces in your memory. They'll remind you that there's something to remember at all. And you'll remind them of the faces they thought they'd forgotten as well.

It's strange looking at the brother that had always been such a nuisance throughout your life. And it's strange realizing that he's always really been a part of you - almost like your second half, because you have never been without him. Except the short years before he was born. You remember being excited that there would be a life-long playmate in your future when the new baby came. You were excited that this would be one friend that would never have to leave you to go home, because home would be with you - always. But now you're leaving, and he's not coming with you.

It's strange thinking of movies where the kids visit their parents after years of separation. These kids have their own lives now, their own families - separate. You don't want your life to ever be like that. Grandma lives with your aunt and uncle, and there are dinners every week to get the family back together again, to keep everyone close. You vow to make Mom and Dad live with you and whatever additions you add to the family you have now when they're older. Because anyone else is just that - they're an addition. Your mom, your dad, your brother - they're yours, your family. And they always will be. They were and are your family first, before they become the parents you visit after years of separation.

But you know there will never be years of separation. The dinners will always come at the end of the week. And you will always be there. And the separation will only ever be 7 days at most.

It's strange though. In three days, the end of the week will be on you, and you'll be leaving. You're not going to be able to make the dinner waiting there with your departure. But there are dinners every week - at the end of the week, waiting for you.

And the dinners will be there when you come back.

Posted by psy/meeks0 at 1:35 PM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, August 17, 2005 1:56 PM EDT
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Saturday, May 7, 2005
prom dress found!
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: abandoned garden --michael franks
In your abandoned garden, sunlight still prevails:
The jasmine climbs the trellis fragrantly, the
jacaranda ultravioletly sways.
The blossom. each of them by your hand planted,
Will, even if I tell them of your sudden
Disappearance from us,
Not believe the tale.

~ Michael Franks "Abandoned Garden"

i love michael franks - his songs are so jazz like and relaxing :o)

anyway, i finally found a picture online of my prom dress! yay! here's a picture (it's the one on the right, the halter top one! yay!). Mine isn't turquois though - don't worry ashtray!! it's mango pinkish!!!!

Here's a link! mika's prom dress! Oh, i do love it so!!

aqui, mas palabras hermosas y poeticas de michael franks!

Though the samba has ended, I know in the sound
Of your voice, your piano, your flute, you are found,
And the music within you continues to flow
Sadly, lost Antonio.

You were my inspiration, my hero, my friend;
On the highway of time will I meet you again?
If the heart ever heals, does the scar always show
For the lost Antonio?
For the lost Antonio?

In your abandoned garden, beauty is unchanged:
The hummingbird still hovers for the scent the
frangipane so seductively displays.
Camellias, each of them by your hand planted,
The sadness of your sudden disappearance still
unknown to them,
Await the kiss of rain.

Though the samba has ended, I know in the sound
Of your voice, your piano, your flute, you are found,
And the music within you continues to flow
Sadly, lost Antonio.

You were my inspiration, my hero, my friend;
On the highway of time will I meet you again?
If the heart ever heals, does the scar always show
For the lost Antonio?
For the lost Antonio?


this, i'm glad to say, is not a Vent Blog! so goodbye!

Posted by psy/meeks0 at 9:54 PM EDT
Updated: Saturday, May 7, 2005 10:01 PM EDT
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Tuesday, April 19, 2005
college! decisions!
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: ---------------

He’s not sure what he’s doing, sitting out here tangled in the brambles of this ugly bush. His mother hates it and always complains about how it corrupts the rest of the garden. She hates its thorns, which currently pierce his skin. She hates it’s brown exterior, a symbol of the bush’s gradual decay. Maybe it will go away, if it isn’t tended to. Maybe it will disappear if it’s neglected.

But he likes it.

~ Wilted Rose

well, this is it folks! may 1st isn't going away so i've got to decide what college to go to. i'm leaning heavily towards tech. i'm basing my decision on what i've been told and on what the open house was like and what the teachers said - i think it'll be fun there and they have a good program for biology. i think i'll be good there. i hope so anyway. i'm going to get a brand new roommate, hopefully we'll have fun!! but it's weird going into it without knowing what's going to happen. i need plans! i like to know what i'm going to be doing and how i'm going to do it. i also need friends.

anyway, more on that later.

i just wanted a picture in my blog so there it is, up there! ta!

::End of Vent Blog 3!!::

Posted by psy/meeks0 at 7:32 PM EDT
Updated: Tuesday, April 19, 2005 7:40 PM EDT
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Thursday, April 14, 2005
existentialism on prom night
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: existentialism on prom night -- straylight run
sing me something soft,
sad and delicate,
or loud and out of key,
sing me anything

~ Straylight Run "Existentialism on Prom Night"

now, i had said we would be better off as friends, and now i feel bad because he asked me to prom and i can't say no to anything because, as i said before, i am not an assertive person and so i gave an iffy "maybe" and an incredulous smile and i said, "if we go as friends and in a group." now, how lame is that? and how bad do i feel? they're probably about equal. and then he said, "yeah, that's what i was thinking," but i dunno if that was what he was thinking...grr. but we're friends! so it will be fun! but i can't dance. it will be fun though! yes it will.

anyway, i feel special but guilty, but i'm going to take it all as meaning that we're just going as friends in a big group and yes, i'm going to pay for my own ticket. BUT he never lets anyone pay for anything, some would say it's chivalrous, others though (me!) would say that you're going to go poor! just like david did when he started going out with my funny buddy cj. they're so cute together! :kissy kissy!: but a little too much PDA. but it's okay, guys! really.

so, if someone else asks me to prom, and no one probably will - but i'd like to keep my options open - does that mean that i must turn them down? yes, it's only polite. but what if he wants to ask someone else? or someone else asks him? must he turn them down? b/c i wouldn't mind being pushed to the side for a better date, i really wouldn't, especially since i want him and one of my short friends to go out together b/c they'd be the cutest couple! and she wants to am i betraying a friend this way? if we're going as friends? grr...:(

well, here is the :End of Vent Blog 2!!::

gosh, i never thought i'd be so conflicted about stuff like this! i'm not a dramatic person! i don't think so! no! and this is not drama, by the way, just weird decisions and half-hearted okays to questions that make me incredulous. ok, out.

Posted by psy/meeks0 at 3:00 PM EDT
Updated: Friday, April 15, 2005 10:55 AM EDT
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Wednesday, April 13, 2005
keep building me up, then shooting me down
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: my jack johnson cd is downstairs. bleh.

I keep playing your part
But it's not my scene
Want this plot to twist
I've had enough mystery
Keep building it up
Then shooting me down
But I'm already down

~ JJ "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing"

that hug me icon is really nice, because i could use one right about now. i chose it over the irritated sign because i'm more frustrated than irritated and i'm going to get a hug later, you'll see.

i'm going to go out on a limb here and say that i'm not a very assertive person. frank is clearing his throat like a hobo in the hallway and throwing tennis balls at the walls (is this normal for all 14 year, no 15-year-old boys?) and i'm sitting quietly in here writing a blog. i asked him to let me get on the tv to watch house and the inferno II on the DVR, and could he please go downstairs and watch on that tv since it has no DVR and he wasn't watching DVR anyway? but no, it was a no go and then i put my foot down as hard as i could and said, "get off!" because i had been very patient with him for...oh...15 years now. but still, it was a big no! now, what was i to do next? i called my mother of course. she was not there so i called dad and he called me back after not being there and he was angry with me for calling him at work for something so UNTRIVIAL as the television. my brother dearest has no conscience and has no courtesy for others and here i am, left wishing for an effing hug.

if you hadn't noticed before, the reason i've created this blog is to vent my oh so huge SPLEEN

(i took the blog idea from cata, sorry cait! but it is therapy for my soul. cheerio! :)

::End of Vent Blog 1!!::

Oh, Georgetown tomorrow courtesy of Cata and Megz! I feel loved, thank you - maybe it's a tad better than a but that's okay, it's a close second!

Posted by psy/meeks0 at 5:37 PM EDT
Updated: Friday, April 15, 2005 10:56 AM EDT
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