1) Q: Hi! My name is Bob! I'm a third-semester pre-med Biology major! I'm going to go to medical school and go into neurosurgery! I have a 3.75 GPA! Don't I look fashionable in my Ralph Lauren polo shirt, faded blue jeans, trendy unkempt hair, and sandals?
A: Hi Bob! You're a dick! My name is JKDMed, and I'm going to kick your ass if you waste any more of my time telling me about your pointless existence -- I don't give a shit about you or your goals. A 3.75 GPA? Hey, that's really good! I don't know many people who can keep a high GPA after a grueling two semesters of college. Pre-Med Biology huh? You can leave out the premed part, it means nothing and nobody gives a shit. Biology? Hey, very original there Bob. I bet you believed your premed office when they told you biology majors have the highest acceptance rate and best preparation for medical school. Hey, at least if you don't get into medical school you can have a satisfying career teaching high school biology. I also wouldn't bet on neurosurgery, Bob, because for one you're not even in medical school yet or anywhere near going, and two because you have no idea what the hell Neurosurgery is until clinicals. Your fashion style? Great, you look like a bum who rummaged through the unguarded laundry basket of a frat boy. Get a haircut and learn that polo shirts go best with khaki pants and closed-toed dress shoes you pompous hippy.
2) Q: Should I apply disadvantaged on my application?
A: If you have to ask, then you probably weren't disadvantaged enough to warrant consideration because of it. General rule of thumb: if you check the "disadvantaged" box and have to think of what may qualify you as such, you probably shouldn't have checked it.
3) Q: What major should I choose to give me a better chance of going to medical school?
A: Choose whatever you want. People can throw statistics in your face all day and they don't mean jack crap. If you hate your major you're going to do poorly -- pick something that interests you and take a wide variety of classes; undergrad is your last chance to CHOOSE your curriculum.
4) Q: I'm a neurotic FREAK. Should I wear X or Y to my interview? Should I do X or Y? Should I attend the luncheon or not? Should I cover my mouth when I sneeze or not?
A: Would you like me to wipe your ass too? Quit being a neurotic freak, shut up, and make some decisions on your own. If you can't decide for yourself whether or not you should wear the blue tie or red tie, how are you going to decide if a patient should get this treatment or that treatment? Being a physician is composed largely of using your own judgment and occasionally consulting on difficult cases. If color-coordinating your tie with your suit is a difficult case, you're in trouble.
5) Q: I have a 2.3 GPA and a 16 on the MCAT, but I have really good LOR's and awesome EC's and research. Do I stand a chance of being admitted?
A: NO. Regardless of what feel-good hippy drivel people feed you, your chances of actually being admitted are 0.01%. Don't waste your money or your time. Either bust your rump making up the grades or change your career.
6) Q: I want to be a doc, but I'm really more interested in the money than I am in altruism. Am I an evil bastard?
A: No. Regardless of what people may say or what "holier than thou" stance they may take, money is a determining factor in most of our decisions to attend medical school. Sure, a lot of us are actually altruistic, but not many of us would be altruistic if we weren't paid a bazillion dollars a year. It's a pretty common phenomenon that premeds will adopt the "I love people, I'm altruistic" persona because they are expected to be that way. Not many are genuinely altruistic -- just look at how many stop volunteering or giving back to the community once they enter medical school. Most of us have a love of MEDICINE, MONEY, or BOTH. We like to help people, but only in the clinical capacity. Hence also why volunteering really sucks for most of us.
7) Q: I have 200202020020 hours of volunteering in a shelter for homeless homosexual necropheliacs with AIDS and Down's Syndrome, as well as first-author in research on the deception of transvestites in religious subcultures. I am also President of my elitist and self-centered premed honor society, Alpha Sigma Sigma. Is this enough or do I need more?
A: It's too much, you have no life. Medical schools don't want to see someone with a billion hours of resume-padding bullshit. They want to see someone with clinical EXPOSURE as well as interests outside of academics and medicine. Then again, this entire process is a crap shoot.
8) Q: What is the biggest determining factor in being admitted to medical school?
A: The mood, biases, and opinions of the person who looks at your application or interviews you. Your credentials will get you into the door, but ultimately how Professor Notgonnaadmityou thinks of you and your application, as well as his mood that particular day, determines whether or not you get in. Sucks huh?
9) Q: What's the difference between a DO and an MD?
A: Not a damn thing. This is like asking, "What's the difference between a doctor and a doctor?" DO's pride themselves in a "holistic philosophy" but this is just school propaganda. Anyone can employ a holistic philosophy. The jury is out on whether OMT is useful or not, but it's just part of the curriculum kept around because of (a) tradition and (b) so they can still call themselves DO's and not MD's. How many DO's actually employ OMT? Almost none, though I have been in situations where it may have proved useful.
10) Q: Will being a DO hinder my career?
A: No. The competitive residencies are still competitive, and you're still a doctor. Most problems occur from aging old-school PD's who are biased against DO's. Good news though: By the time you finish school and enter residency, these anti-DO PD's will either be retired or dead!
11) Q: What if I'm looked down upon because I'm a DO? I will feel really bad!
A: Then you're a pussy and shouldn't go to a DO school. If you're going to cry every time someone says something negative about your education, then DON'T GO TO A DO SCHOOL. DO schools serve two purposes: (A) Educating the 12 people who actually believe in the osteopathic philosophy and OMT, and (B) An alternative to students who may not be quite as competitive at MD schools, but nonetheless still want to become physicians without wasting another year and money reapplying.
12) Q: I only got an acceptance letter to St. George's/Ross! What should I do?
A: You can either (a) spend another year making up your deficit, then going through AMCAS/AACOMAS again, and blowing all that money on applying, secondaries, interviews, etc., or you can head to SGU/Ross and be a year ahead of the game, studying in a tropical climate.
13) Q: But graduates from SGU/Ross have a hard time matching to competitive residencies!
A: Yes, they do, but you're at SGU/Ross because you weren't a competitive applicant. There's a slim chance you could land a competitive residency through SGU or Ross, but it's going to require that you actually be competitive for once.
14) Q: Your school sucks! Look at how many people matched to IM, Peds, Psych, or Family Practice!
A: Yes, god forbid my DO school, a system primarily designed to train primary care physicians, matched most of its students into -- primary care! One thing you're forgetting is how many of these students who matched into IM, Peds, FP, or Psych actually WANTED IM, FP, Peds, or Psych? This is an unfair analysis. Find a list of people who wanted something else but got stuck there and then we'll talk.
15) Q: I want all of my LOR's to be TOTALLY AWESOME! How can I get to really know all of my professors?
A: Unless you're an incredibly hot female and your would-be LOR author is a single male, your professor has absolutely no interest in getting to know you. Unless, of course, you have something meaningful to contribute to his field or life, such as a productive research assistant.
16) Q: Can't I just go to his office hours to get to know him?
A: Sure, go this person you don't know and try to start up a conversation about something that would interest him. I'm sure someone 20-30 years older than you would love to postpone his busy schedule of writing exams, failing premed students, research activities, grant writing, or going home, to entertain whatever irrelevant bullshit someone half his age has to converse about. Your inorganic chemistry professor doesn't care about getting to know you, he just wants you to get the hell out of his office so he can work or go home, or get to know the incredibly-hot-yet-stupid premed peer of yours.
17) Q: Then how am I supposed to get TOTALLY AWESOME™ letters?
A: You're not. Nobody has 4 perfect LOR's. The best you can hope for is one or two outstanding letters and one or two mediocre letters. If everyone had TOTALLY AWESOME™ letters of recommendation, then the TOTALLY AWESOME letters would be TOTALLY MEDIOCRE.
18) Q: So how do I get the one or two TOTALLY AWESOME™ letters?
A: Luck. Or take summer courses. The best LOR I had written was from a doctoral student who taught a summer course in English. I got to know him really well, and he remembered me after a year (when I asked him for the letter) because of an incredibly clever video my group and I created, in which I was a drunken communist-era Russian chef who sporadically sipped from a vodka bottle while preparing a salad and discussing the topic we had to covered, while cleverly interweaving anti-capitalist propaganda in his speech.
19) Q: I really screwed up and murdered a family of 5 with a machete during my sophomore year. Because of my incarceration I got a C in Organic. I also smoked a fat blunt before the MCAT, sipped Cuervo during PS, and wrote my Writing sample in Sanskrit. Will any med school look past this and see me as a whole person instead of just numbers?
A. The fact that you are a screw up is part of your "whole person" and should be considered accordingly by ADCOMS. Actions have consequences. submitted by matthew45
20) Q: I need help. I have a 3.98 GPA (I was shafted with an A- in my Advanced Post-Einsteinian Nuclear Particle Physics lab!), and a 42T MCAT. I have received the God Walking Among Us award from the World Health Organization and have spent two years delivering HIV-positive babies in Africa, and I also breast-fed them all myself thanks to some hormone therapy. I have six first-author papers in Science and am working under 7 million dollars of NIH funding in my name. Do I have a good chance of getting in?
A: Yes, but you have a better shot of me putting a boot through your ass if you ask any more blatantly self-praising questions like that again. Seriously, if you're so great, then as long as you don't de-pants your interviewer and give them an involuntary prostate exam in front of a campus tour, then command them to "taste God's finger," YOU'RE FINE!!!!! submitted by superdevil
21) Q: I'm 42 and married, and just now entering medical school. I've spent my whole life improving grades, retaking the MCAT, shadowing, volunteering, and researching to finally get to where I am today. It was long and hard, but I'm finally in! Am I not an inspiration to premeds everywhere?
A: Congratulations on your hard work! Now when you get out of residency, you can practice for 10 years before you die. You're a douche bag who's wasted a decade trying to fulfill his own dreams when he should have accepted defeat and started supporting his family by finding a decent-paying career, rather than forcing his wife to work two jobs to support your ass. Look on the bright side: at least your impending death after residency will get you out of those student loans.
22) Q: I'm a double major in Theoretical Astrophysics/Molecular Biochemistry with a minor in Genetic Engineering (and I capitalize all of my degree titles so you can clearly see them). Would this be enough to make me a competitive applicant?
A: No, it makes look like a shallow douche bag who is obviously padding his application with needless garbage. People study things like "astrophysics" and "molecular biochemistry" because they have an honest interest in it and/or intend to study these subjects at the graduate level. Find something you actually like and major in only that; double majors should be saved for people who have an honest interest in two subjects, enough interest to choose a second major rather than a minor. Dump the second major and take up something fun, like music, football, or hockey. Smoke a cigar. Buy a used sports car and pick up chicks. Buy a gun. Quit being a lamer.
23) Q: I don't know how to pay for medical school. Should I get Navy, Air Force, or Army HPSP, or just attend USUHS?
A: You should stay the hell out of the military and leave the scholarships for people who feel the duty to serve their country. Military service, in whatever capacity, is not a bust out from student loans. Service to one's nation is a duty and privilege that far transcends one's own self. You will be away from family, friends, in hostile situations, and have immense responsibility. In the end, you should tell your children that their father, "proudly served his nation" rather than, "I stole a scholarship away from someone who really wanted to serve this nation because I'm a selfish bitch who wanted a free ride through medical school."
24) Q: Why do premeds insist on telling everyone that they're, "premed"?
A: Simply being "premed" makes these people feel like they have already accomplished a significant goal in reaching medical school. Typically, these people are freshmen or sophomores, and biology majors. Some of them eventually realize it makes more sense to not tell anyone about their plans for medical school unless specifically asked, as it makes failure much easier if nobody knew your goals. A few eventually realize that being "premed" doesn't mean shit. People have more important things to be concerned with than your shitty goals, but they'll all be quick to point at you and laugh if you fail.
25) Q: My friend lied on his application to medical school. He listed an EC he never did and "fudged" his volunteer hours. Should I call AMCAS and tell on him?
A: Sure, call these schools and show them what an unloyal dick you are. Your friend fudged his volunteer hours because volunteering sucks. Most people get nothing out of it other than knowing their way from the ER to Radiology like the back of their hand. The physicians are too busy to worry about our "clinical exposure needs" and most of the nurses think you get in the way. We also get to experience the joy of being talked down to when we ask a staff member a question for a patient. It's a pointless formality we all have to do.
26) Q: But what if my friend gets in because of his illegitimate application?
A: Then he gets to go to medical school. While it is unfortunate that this happens, it's just part of the game. Adding a couple hours here or there to your EC's or Volunteering is a very common practice.
27) Q: This guy says he didn't study at all for a physics exam, but he made an A. Did he really study?
A: He studied his ass off. These hard-working people study, study, and study, but then try to come off as "naturally intelligent" by saying they didn't study at all. Naturally intelligent people make B's and C's on exams because they don't give a shit and never study.
28) Q: How can I prove these people are actually hard studying types who are lying?
A: Ask them something that isn't in the textbook.
29) Q: My premed office is selling "Pre-Med Shirts" for $12. Should I really buy one?
A: You'd be better off buying a shirt that simply said, "Narcissistic Asshole" in giant bold letters. I don't understand why premed office sell garbage like this (yes, mine does it too, though I have never seen anybody wearing one). These shirts are like the shirts from trendy pop-culture clothing stores that have logos from fictitious sporting events: the message means absolutely nothing, nobody gives a shit, and both people wear them because they think it separates them from the norm.
30) Q: [Student walks into biology
lab wearing a set of scrubs]. “Hi!”, the person says
to you.
A: *STAB STAB STAB*. Listen kid, you look like you’re about 18. Wearing scrubs will not make anyone think you’re a doctor. Why? (A) Because doctors are not stupid enough to wear scrubs outside of the hospital, unless they are on their way home and happen to stop somewhere for gas or are on break. (B) Doctors don’t have to take Biology 101 Lab. Nobody cares that you’re a volunteer or a nurse tech in training. Posturing is stupid. You’re like the 16 year old white belt karate student who “has” to stop at the grocery on the way home, just so he can walk around in public with his uniform on. Change clothes before you come to class, because you look like an idiot.
31) Q: I’m a sophomore and I made an
A in biology. You’re a senior and made a what, B? You suck!
A: That’s because I had the foresight to realize that college is to be enjoyed, not a chore, especially when starting out. There will be plenty of time for hard work after awhile. The funny thing is, I had fun and made that B, you worked and made that A, and I will probably still get into medical school. When an ADCOM asks you about your experiences in undergrad, you will say, “I studied and worked hard.” I can say, “I made pretty decent grades, but I also developed social skills, learned to think on my own, studied subjects other than premed sciences, learn new skills, had fun with hobbies, dated, had my heart broken, overcame adversity…..”
32) Q: I have a 4.0 cumulative and science gpa,
a 42 MCAT, tons of ECs and research. Why have I only
received three interviews out of 26 applications?
A: Because you’re a studyholic loser. Most morally-inclined medical schools would never enroll an academic automaton to actually one day treat humans. One of the most important things you need to learn in college before med school is how to work with people, how to relate to people, and how to communicate with people. Without this, you will go nowhere in life. Maybe you should get a Ph.D. instead, or do some other sort of work that requires no social skills and will only improve your self-esteem and craving for attention: something like a prostitute or sorority sister.
33) Q: I’m a fat chick. Don’t I look
sexy in these clothes I bought from that store in the mall?
A: Pardon the gurgle coming from my speech, that’s just the remaining vomit left in my mouth. It amazes me why you think your overweight ass would look just as sexy in the same clothes worn by chicks who weigh a fraction of your weight. Just because some sexually deprived premed social leper banged you, doesn’t mean you’re God’s gift to men. He was just desperate and never stopped studying long enough to develop the skills needed to snag a decent woman. I’m sorry his pathetic self made you develop a false sense of confidence and a horrible inaccurate self image, but the rolls hanging over your hip-hugging Abercrombie jeans should tell you otherwise. I would offer you more advice, but that would require me to continue looking at you.
34) Q: Hello, stranger. My name is
Dr. Justgraduatedfrommedschool. Could you be so kind
as to provide me, a physician, the directions to the recreation center so that
I, Dr. Justgraduatedfrommedschool, can meet my
friends for a game of squash?
A: Sure doc, just as soon as you give me your wallet, car keys, and credit cards. Better yet, I think I’ll stick this gun into your side and force you to a bank to withdraw a large sum of money. I’m assuming you didn’t graduate top of your class, because no bright physician would actually tell me he’s a doctor. Oh yeah, the squash court is downtown. Have fun walking there and getting in with no car or money, you pompous ass.
35) Q: You’re an idiot. I disagree
with everything in this FAQ
A: Of course you do, because it destroys the erroneous façade you have designed for yourself. You are not the epitome of altruism. You are not in the top 25% for intelligence. You are not special. You do not deserve respect. You’re the same flesh and blood as everyone else, so shut the hell up and get over it already. Maybe if your head wasn’t in your ass, you could laugh at yourself.
36) Q: Do Freshmen Suck?
A: Yes
37) Q: Why is Squat-n-Squeeze such an ass?
A: He has a small penis.
38) Q: I use this backpack-on-wheels-with-a-handle
because of my back problems. It’s really convenient.
A: You look like a fucking retard that lost her way out of the airport. Yes, I said, “her”. Only women use these stupid things. Only older women who shouldn’t even be in college use these things. If you didn’t get knocked up when you were younger, you wouldn’t have had all that baggage (kids) to drag around for 18 years before you could start pursuing your dreams and your back wouldn’t be fucked up. I would tell you to quit being a wuss and pickup your damn bag, but I guess you miss dragging baggage behind you.
39) Q: I’m a mother of 12 working her
way through med school. I’m such an inspiration!
A: No, you’re an asshole who isn’t taking care of her kids. If you want the type of kids who end up being whores, drug addicts, criminals, or the kind who shoot up high schools then keep on doing what you’re doing. Of course, you may have a husband who insists on taking care of the kids instead of working while you go to school, but that’s ok because he’s probably a bitch anyways and should stay at home with kids. When you had kids you received the responsibility of raising them correctly with loving parents, not pawning them off on childcare. Pick one or the other and do it first, then do the second. If your husband is a stay-at-home bitch then that’s ok; exploit him while you can, because you’ll be leaving him later for a real man.
40) Q: Im
in high school and I just got an accepptance to a
combined bs\md program. I worked mie
ass off to ghet there. Shud I aceptt
it or shud I not aceptt it?
A: Kid, you have two choices here: go for it and kiss your youth (and life) goodbye, or deny it and go to a regular college. If you want to miss out on growing up, getting drunk, having fun with friends, getting some pussy, and being a young adult then go for it. Or you could do the right thing and deny it. You already wasted your time in high school with bullshit like volunteering and studying, do you really want to waste your college career too? The biggest part of life is the experience of the journey, not the goal. Jesus, live a little.
41) Q: Who the hell wrote this garbage? I hate you! I'm gonna find you and kick your ass! DO's are better! SGU rules! Ross owns! I'm an oversenitive pussy and you hurt my feelings!
A: Screw you hippy. The author of this piece was JKDMed,
with contributions from superdevil and matthew45. Booyah!
