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My Life Story



I chose this path for myself so I do not regret it, but I will learn from it for it carves the stone that I am.

All of my life I have struggled through school doing the best that I could possibly do so that I could make my parents proud of me and so I could raise up in the ranks and go to the College of my choice. I wasnít about to be one of the losers working at some fast food restaurant or in a damn shop my whole life. My dad works in a shop and heís an asshole. Heís a good person at heart and I love him for everything that he has done for me and bringing me into this world, but the shop has made him into an asshole. I wanted to get a job that I want to go to. I knew by 2nd grade that if I wanted to go to a good College that I would have to give it my all. I would have to get Aís and sometimes Bís. I am the kid who tried too hard. I wasnít the brown noser or the kid who always raised his hand in class, but I was the one who didnít have any friends. I was pretty much a loner in elementary school.

After elementary school I went to middle school where I was sick of taking everyoneís shit. I just told everybody to FUCK OFF! I didnít have any friends in middle school except for a couple of flaky people and my best friend Dan Thorpe. We didnít even have classes together. I got the grades there too. I eventually made my way up to the honors math system. I didnít even ask to be in it. They asked me. I was like, ďHey sure, whatever.Ē

That point in my life was really dark. I was in a constant state of depression. I started listening to Insane Clown Posse and songs like Fuck The World helped me to deal with everything and everyone. It wasnít till eighth grade that I realized that I could barely read the board so I got me some glasses and I could see what Iíd been missing my whole life.

The summer after eighth grade was when I tried smoking weed a couple of times with these two delinquents named Josh and Jeremy Revord. They were the twins from hell. Itís because of them that my dad has such negative feelings toward me and my brother. Theyíve did a lot of bad shit around my neighborhood and they have been the topic of many fights in my house. For that I despised them with all of my heart. Iíve forgiven them now. Itís best not to carry a weight upon oneís chest for more then the period in which itís necessary.

High school started off just like middle school. I got a 4.0 again in my first year. After that I stopped caring so much about my work, but I still got Aís and Bís, just not straight Aís. I stopped talking to people all together in my classes and held my feelings to myself. I didnít start hanginí out with The Fantabulous Mr. Gert until the end of my Freshmen year when Gert moved into my neighborhood. Things began to slow down in my life and the shit was starting to matter. Dan, Gert, and I were the porch monkeys of the neighborhood. Oh and yeah my brother was there too. He is barely memorable because of what ended up happening to him.

I feel so sorry for my brother, but he kind of got what he deserved. In middle school my brother was picking on a kid during lunch with his asshole friends and they were taking his money and shit so he decided to file a lawsuit and my brother went to Juvy for a couple of weeks. Just before he went my grandpa died and during the period of time that he was going to court he was experimenting with a lot of drugs. After he got out of Juvy he had a mental breakdown and was hearing voices and shit. He had to go to the hospital for rehab for a couple of weeks.

The whole time I was just like what the FUCK! I didnít know what to feel or what to think. He kept me out of his life for so long and then I was forced to jump into it. When he got out he was the center of attention for a long period of time and my parents forgot about me because we had to make accommodations for him. What I didnít tell you is that my brother used to beat me up when mommy and daddy werenít around. He was pretty abusive. So when mom and dad wanted me to help him I was like, ďFuck you guys. You deal with it.Ē I feel bad now that I realize how my attitude was toward him. After his break down he barely spoke to anyone. Heís really opened up this last summer because I came back from college. Iím his best friend now. We hung out the entire summer and we were what brothers were supposed to beÖ brothers.

Through the rest of high school I rose up in the popularity ranks. Everybody knew who I was and they knew not to fuck around with me. I stayed away from all the cliques in high school and started my own clique. We were all the outcasts. I befriended every loser in school. All the people that nobody liked. For example, there was this kid named Andrew who was nearly valedictorian, but he was shy as hell. I would be his friend when nobody else would. He was so rapped up in all of his studies that nobody wanted to be his friend. Fuck that. I would be there for him and boost him up when the world was bringing him down. These kids werenít losers to me. They were people, and they still are.

Iím sick of this world throwing people aside and shitting on them because of the fact that they have no social skills. All my life I have been picked on for being overweight. I held my emotions in through all of elementary school and after that I couldnít take anymore and just blew up in peopleís faces when they messed with me. Iíll always stick up for anyone who gets picked on because I know how they feel and that feeling will never leave me. Iíve never gotten into a fistfight because Iím a pacifist, but I was damn near close a few times.

I also hung out with the underachievers because they would give me a break from my stressful work and tell me to quit trying so hard. So I did. After I stopped trying so hard, things got done faster and easier. I bullshitted my way through papers and got Aís for something I worked on for a half hour.

I know that youíre probably a little sick of all the talk about school, but school has been my entire life so far. Thatís all I have to talk about. That and the crazy shit that I do with my friends. For example, tying a rope to the back of my car and having somebody drive while I hold onto the rope with a sled under my ass and snow pouring onto my face from the sky. Thatís X-Treme sledding. Iíll have to show you the videos some day. The story continuesÖ

My main extracurricular activity during high school was drafting. Why drafting? Drafting dealt with computers. I love using computers and computers are the wave of the future. Thatís why Iím going to be a computer engineer. I want to make some good money one day. I donít need a Mercedes Benz, but I want one.

So at the end of high school, the day before the last day The Fantabulous Mr. Gert went suicidal because of the pressure that his mom puts on him and my life sunk down into the darkest day Iíve ever experienced. I was so God Damn Scared. I thought that my best friend was going to die. He didnít, but I felt like killing his ass after I found out he was still alive. Suicide is so selfish. There are people in this world who depended on him. Especially me. He didnít care. That day scarred me for life.

My schooling days continue now with college and I shine so bright. Iím happy that my college dream has come true. Iíve come so far in this life. Iím not even 21 yet and Iíve experienced so much.

I was a better person in elementary school before the kids started picking on me and fucking with my head and before my parents started to fight and talk about me being an accident. I was pure good. Iíd say Iím about half and half now. Though you probably think that you know me well. You have probably only seen at the most 20% of my bad side. I hold most of my deepest darkest emotions within. Sometimes I break down and cry and sometimes Iíll scream with rage. These are normal things because Iíve grown so gloomy on the inside.

Iíll do my best to show you all my good and save the shadows for later. Itís what I always do. I hide everything from everyone and I put on this fake smile so that everyone thinks that everything is all right when itís not. I hate confrontation and I do whatever I can to avoid it.

Sooooooooooo much has happened since I left high school. I worked for the whole summer at Burger King, which blew, but after the summer was over I took off to the Upper Peninsula to go to Michigan Technological University. I had all right grades my first two semesters and my GPA was a 2.9. Things were going all right for me, but the place made me extremely depressed. I felt so alone in my struggle against the world. So much so that I was thinking about taking my own life... constantly. It's so unbelievably depressing up in Houghton. Being 10 and a half hours away from the family who I thought didn't love me. I came home after my first year of college ready to die. I started working at Burger King for that summer again and slumped down into an even worse depression. I was so close to giving up and I begged God for something to happen. I begged him to send me an Angel.

He must have heard me because when I was working at Burger King over the summer, one of my coworkers fell for me. She was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I gave her all the love that I had to give and she taught me the meaning of life: It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. I broke up with her when I went back to college this year and found out from her best friend that she was cheating on me. Ever since I found out I have sunken back down into my hole and I feel so alone. It's hard. To have your heart broken is the worst feeling in the world. To be in love is the best feeling in the world though and no matter what... it is worth the pain that comes afterward.

I have come to find out that there are much more people who care about and love me then I know about. I may be aware of some of them, but apparently there are a LOT more people who give a damn then I thought. I love both of my parents and my brother. My real friends, (the ones who will most likely read this) are the ones who I can rely on to get me through anything. I depend on you guys, and you depend on me. I will do my best to never let you down.

Right now I am in my darkest hour and trying as hard as I can to persevere. I am not resistant to everything even though Iíd like to believe that I am. I am reaching for my friendís and familyís hands. I am struggling to escape this depression and doing everything in my power to stay focused. I am not doing well in my classes, but I will keep at it until I come out on top. Until my mind is right again I donít know if I will ever be all right again.

I am thankful for what I have and for those who I have helped in their stories. I only wish that I could have an impact on everyone that I ever meet. I would like to change the world, but I guess that I will have to settle for one person at a time. ďThere is an intrinsic value of human life - that we are all worth something no matter what the world says we have to offer. We have a choice in what we do, and that everything we do matters. Because of this, we have a responsibility to look out for those who can't look out for themselves.Ē Ė Thrice. The quote says it all. It says why I should constantly strive to change peopleís lives for the better. I should help those who canít help themselves and I will.



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Email: cjackson@mtu.edu