Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor,
and why do bars have parking lots?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in
the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the
doors?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is
prohibited there?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out
her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON
stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height,
what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what
happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package
says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up
ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but
when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used
on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
An apple a day keeps the
doctor away... so does having no medical insurance.
I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
What we could really use is the separation of Bush and
state.
Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.
If you can't read this, you're illiterate.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
He who hesitates is boss.
As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than
never
100,000
sperm and you were the fastest?
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Death is hereditary.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Energizer
Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small
stain.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a
vegetarian because I hate plants.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm
not sure.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her
friends?
If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the
windshield.
Some people are only alive because
it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
lifeguard.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of
its students.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise
above your principles.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
What happens
if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the speed of dark?
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then
used against you.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me
and not you!
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.