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I slammed down my arm as the light from the window came spraying into the bedroom. My head was pounding and my heart hurt. Junior had been gone for 2 weeks since our fight. I was more empty than ever. I hurt for him, I hurt for the baby. I just hurt and I couldn't stop. The drinks didn't end it the pain pills didn't end it. What hurt worse was Junior not being home. What had my life come to. I was losing everything and was doing nothing about it. I needed Junior. I admit it I need him. The bed no longer smelled like him all his things were moved out of the bedroom. I slowly stood up and headed down to the guest room. The house was so quite normally I could hear his video games going on the TV or him talking to Killer. Just him yelling at me to get with it was something I wanted to hear. The guest room was eerily clean the bed was made up everything was in its place. There was nothing of him in here it was gone. He had taken it all with him. Even Killer's dog toys were gone and Buddy's litter box had vanished. He really had left even taking his animals. I had to sit down. I sat down in his chair in the living room. Slash slowly walking up to me whimpering as I finally petted him in what seemed like years. I clicked the TV on trying to get away from my thoughts. Matt Lauder's voice filled the air.
"This is Today December 20 five days till Christmas." God what have I done. It had been a month since I had left the bedroom or the house much less. 2 weeks since I lost the last thing I loved my husband and now Christmas was 5 days away and I was alone.
"It is time for you to make a change." The voice of Dr.Phil came on as his commercial appeared. I felt myself stand up and head to the bedroom I was going to change I need to change and get my life back. Get my husband back home in my arms in my bed and back in my heart.
"UNCLE JUNIOR WAKE UP SLEEPY." Karsyn yelled as she jumped up on the bed landing right on my stomach.
"Aww munchkin let me sleep just a little bit more." I patted her wild curly hair as she bounced up and gave me a jellied filled kiss on the cheek.
"Nope you said you would eat breakfast with me and take me to school." She bounced up and down on me in her footed pajama's.
"Yeah." she grabbed my hand as I pulled out of bed. I had stayed with Kelley now for 2 weeks. Every night I wanted to come back to Ella make her change but I had to do this for the marriage. I had to let her do her thing but it killed me not seeing her even though it was her just sleeping and yelling it was still her in the house her body near mine even though we were rooms apart.
"Well look who is up." Kelley laughed as I sat down at the table beside Karsyn as she ate another biscuit.
"Hahah. Glad you are amused."
"Uncle Junior when is Aunt Ella going to spend the night with us." Karsyn asked. Kelley had played me staying with them as a slumber party in away. Every night Karsyn would fall asleep on me as we watched some television show together.
"Karsyn let your uncle eat go get dressed so he can take you to school." she just nodded and bounced out the kitchen before I had to answer her.
"Dale you know what I am going to say." She sat down with her cup of coffee.
"I know Kel. I know. I can't ended it."
"I am not saying ended it but you to need to talk about what is going on." I just nodded as I looked at the clock thankful I to had to get dressed to take Karsyn to school.
"What can I do for you today Miss." the young sales lady asked me as I walked into American Eagle.
"I am looking for some thing new to wear." I looked down at myself my hair still wet from my fast shower my feet only in flip flops and a massive sweatshirt hitting my thighs over my track pants.
"Well here is our new items." I followed the young girl as she showed me jeans and sweaters.45 minutes later I was walking out with 4 bags of clothes a pair of shoes and a mission toward Victoria Secrets. Soon I had everything and walked into the he mall salon. A very metro guy greeted me.
"What can I do for you." he was in a lavender long sleeve dress shirt and his hair was spiked like a bad British soccer fan.
"I need a change with my hair."
Well lets see what we can do."
2 hours later I walked out with my long hair now cut touching my shoulder the missing red tint it had now fully back with the short hair cut as it was layered up with a extra bounce. My nails were done again along with my toes. I smiled for the first time as I looked in the mirror behind the driver side visor. I was going home to a clean house the sheets changed in the bedroom. The bathroom clean all the pain killers gone the acholol thrown away the laundry done and a roast in crock pot for dinner. I head up stairs changing into my new clothes. The dark thin pair of jeans and a deep maroon off the shoulder sweater. I got back to looking normal. I slide on the heeled boots and but my leather wedding band finally back one. Everything seemed planned almost as I grabbed my keys and pea coat again heading to get my husband. As I drove into the parking lot at DEI I saw his red truck sitting there. I parked beside it and glance in the mirror making sure I was together. I had the same butterflies in my stomach as I opened the door the day I did when I first realized I loved Junior with all my being. As my heels hit the garage floor the guys looked up. I slide my sunglasses off as I looked for Junior. Pops saw me and smiled laying down his rag as he walked up to me.
"He is in his office down the hall." was all he said as he hugged me and I headed off.
I sat down in my office chair leaning back closing my eyes trying to get away from the world I had just turn the radio on when I sat down. I ignored the the song until I heard the lyrics start as I noticed the picture of me and Ella from the day at the lake where I realized I loved her.
You know some times me and my lady have these crazy fights and when we do it makes me wonder
Are we're ever gonna get it right
When I think about leaving I think about me
What my life would be like if I were back to being free
Go where I wanna go, do what I wanna do, wouldn't have a soul I had to answer to
When I think about leaving I think about me
I didn't want to think about my life with out Ella but the thought kept entering my mind. I am a newlywed with a wife that hates me and a unborn baby in heaven that I would never have on this earth. What I had before seemed so wrong but now it wasn't looking as bad. I had any girl I wanted just because of who I was had the money, the fame, the name. But the love I was missing. But now the love I found I was still missing. I clutched on to the frame of Ella looking at me deep in the eyes as we danced that day.
You know I got a friend him and his wife just couldn't see eye to eye he had all he could
Stand one day and just packed up and said good-bye
When I think about leaving I think about him
That little apartment cross town he's living in
Got an old corvette, got a new girlfriend, but only sees his kids every other weekend
When I think about leaving oh I think about him
I thought back to when Jeff and Brooke split he got by fine other than his wallet being lighter. He bounced back found another person to be with for awhile feel in love with her quick. I could do the same. Find someone just to feel the missing void.
I never will forget her face or the day she told me about her dad, how he walked out on her
And her mom when she was just a kid
When I think about leaving oh I think about her
Only five years old and her heart filled up with hurt
With her little arms wrapped around his neck saying daddy where you going, are you coming Back
When I think about leaving I think about her
I looked at the other picture on my desk of Me, Ella, Mom and Kelley the day we told my family we got married. Her hand was over mine as we were all smiling. I remember that night she told me about her dad walking out on her. Her biggest fear was losing someone she loved again by them walking out. That night we shared the same fear. I promised her I would never do that to her and what did I do I left just like she had feared. I couldn't handle the pressure but then again neither could she.
You know the truth is, most of the time things were really great and I know we got something Special
When I think about leaving I think about us
How we build this love we share on faith and trust, honest way we talk, tender way we touch,
All those nights we spent making love,
When I think about leaving oh I think about us
When I think about leaving I think again
Even though that thought crosses my mind every now and then
In my heart I know I would never leave, there's nowhere else on earth I would rather be
When I think about leaving I think again
I could almost taste her kiss and the last time we made love I can almost feel it again the way she held on to me and looked at me with her blue eyes. I had never made love to anyone but her and she held my heart. There would be no woman in my life but Ella she was mine. I could never leave her. My chair squeaked as I leaned all the way back touching the picture. I heard my door open I didn't care who was there cause I knew it wouldn't be the one person I wanted it to be. I heard the door click as it shut.
"Junior." I knew that voice. I knew that sweet tone that was only meant for me from one person. When my eyes looked up I saw the one person I would love for the rest of my life. Before I could move I had a pair of arms around my neck holding me tight.
"I love you Junior. I love you so much. I need you." Ella pulled back and for the first time since the day we lost the baby I saw her spark her eyes was back.
"God El. I never want to leave again ever. I can't ever stop loving you." I stared back into those blue pools that let me see her soul.
"I don't want you to. Can you forgive me." I could smell her scent, the scent that was in bedded in me that was apart of me as she was.
"Only if I can kiss you." she nodded and her soft lips landed on mine for a month I had missed those lips. The parted for me as we deeped the kiss the heat of the others touch driving us. I felt her tongue chase mine as her hands played in my hair. When we broke apart she smiled for the first time I saw that smile again.
"I missed you come back home." she whispered kissing my lips softly as she hugged me laying her head on my shoulder.
"I want to be back home. In our bed together making love to you everyday. Kissing you ever morning." she laughed it was like music to my ears as she stood back holding my hands in hers.
"I want you to be back in our bed. I want you to make love to me everyday. I even want your bad breath kissing me every morning." I ran my hand in her now short hair.
"You cut your hair."
"You like it." she didn't leave my arms as I sat down in my desk chair. She piled up on my lap as we sat just staring at the other.
"Yeah it is hot."
"When can you come home." she whispered to me.
"I love you" Ella snuggled up against my back as I unlocked the back door heading into the kitchen. I felt her kiss my ear as she broke away from me.
"You cooking." I asked her as the smell of her roast filled my kitchen up.
"Hmmm. Have to make my husband happy." she smiled as she took off her jacket laying in on the back of the kitchen chair.
"Do we have a Christmas tree." she asked me as I pulled her tightly against me loving the way she felt back in my arms.
"Yeah upstairs mom gave us everything for it." I kissed her temple moving her soft hair back and letting the now shorter ends run through it.
"Can I kiss you." she asked me locking eyes with me as she licked her lips. Mimiking my earlier actions in the office. I just nodded in response as she licked her lips again then licking mine. I saw her little smirk appear as I did also. Our kiss was gently at first then deepened as she pressed harder into me. She winked at me as we broke apart.
"Let's put the Christmas tree up and get this house looking like a home again."
"Is that a order." I raised a eyebrow at her as she walked to the fridge and got some raw vegetables out. She popped at baby carrot in her mouth and nodded as I walked by her I felt her smack my ass and laugh.
"Ella you coming to help with this shit. It is alot."
"Yeah be there in a minute." I stood looking at the now lighted tree and a million ornaments on the couch from my mom buying some Ella's mom getting us some and Ella buying some for us in Darlington.
"Yeah baby." she walked in holding the comforter for the bed she just got out of the dryer. At that moment the ornaments could wait as I looked at her. Her hair falling out of the small ponytail she could now make her baggy t-shirt and track pants she had on shedding her clothes from earlier.
"Sweetie what are you doing." she asked me her voice full of laughter as I pulled the comforter from her arms and tossed it down by the couch. The fire place crackling as the log moved a little. I took her hands in mine and led her down to the floor the hard paneling touching my feet as the soft floor rug cushioned my hand and her back as she laid back as I towered over her. Her eyes were still gaging me as I bent down and kissed her.
"What am I doing." I question back to her. She just nodded happily smiling as she played with my hair. I pulled back from her taking off my sweatshirt and t-shirt making a pile near the comforter.
"I am going to make love to my wife." before she could answer I kissed her running my hands to the hem of t-shirt. Taking it up in one stroke. I reached back and unhooked her bra with one hand as the other laid on the soft skin at her hip. As the lace fell down her stomach I kissed my way to it taking it with my mouth and moving it off her now bare upper body. She arched up at me almost sitting all the way up moving my head back to her mouth.
"I love you so much." she whispered to me as I laid her back down.
I watched his hands play around my stomach then wrap around my shoulders as he laid down his weight totally on top of me making me move my legs so he could lay between them. I heard him make a noise as if his mission was accomplished by the position he was in. My hands trailed down his chest to his baggy jeans then back up his strong fair skinned back. The scruff of whiskers from his cheek tickled around my neck as he moved his kisses around.
"June baby..." my hips moved up at his touch as he started to slide down my track pants sitting back on his knees as he did looking down at me.
"Yeah baby." his voice was heavy and husky the southern accent turning into a added bonus as it dripped off his lips. I felt the pants come down around my ankles. His hand ran up my calf to my knee then back down as he rocked forward holding my legs still kissing me soundly.
"I want to watch you." he pulled back from his kiss as he locked his eyes with me. Questioning what my statement meant. I dropped my hands from his biceps and grabbed his bringing them to his belt.
"I want to see all of you again." I whispered to him laying back down as he started unbuttoning his jeans letting them pool to the floor I watched him reach for the comforter.
"Close your eyes." His hand fell over my eye lids. I felt my legs draw up and then the soft fabric of the comforter over my skin. I couldn't feel his hands, or his lips. I went to open my eyes when I felt him against me and his lips resting close to my on.
"Don't watch me feel me." he slide his tongue slowly in my mouth kissing me with a passion like never before. Slowly caressing every spot in my mouth. I felt his soft skin around his hips as he wrapped my legs around him then slowly almost painfully slide into me.
"You feel so good to me." I opened my eyes seeing his face as held himself in me. I took in his form as he towered above me. His arms stretched out holding up his sculpted body from racing. The burnt orange comforter over is lower have hiding where we were joined at.
"Make me yours again." he just nodded as he began to move in me. Slowly and methodically being so gently but so loving at the same time. My hands went down his back to his lower back holding him as he trusted the his hot skin and the cool fabric contrasted against me. I felt his hands go up and down my body with his kisses. All the noise that could be heard was the crackle of the fire place and our bodies being one again. As the pace sped up the lack of being with the other was catching up as my body started to react hard to his touches. My hands pulled his hair as my back arched sending me into the feeling only Junior could accomplish in giving me. My moans echoed out as his hand grasped my hips pulling me hard up to him. My eyes reopened to see him let out a growl as he filled me.
"Your beautiful." my fingers where tickling his neck as our bodies started to ride down the waves they had just went up. I felt him slide out of me and lay down on the rug bringing my close into his sweaty body our bare feet intertwining. My hand danced across his stomach playing with the soft chest hair as we both watched the fire crackling. Junior laying a kiss on my head every few seconds.
"I promise I will be a better wife to you." I moved up looking at him his eyes tearing away from the flame as his smooth hand touched my face.
"All I want is you to love me." he whispered almost as if he talked louder the room would break.
"I love you will all my heart, soul, spirit and body." his armed wrapped tighter around me was we pulled up the comforter and laid in the glow of the fire and Christmas tree.
"You ready Mrs. Earnhardt to have our first Christmas together." I didn't answer him instead I slide my leg over his long lean body and began show him