Buffalo Rules of Driving

Sent by a Friend To D Lo
(Happy Now Marc)
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At a four way stop sign, wave to offer the right-of-way to other cars. If you are waved at, wave back so they can take the right-of-way instead. When they go, you go at the same time.

Left hand turns at traffic signals are to be made as soon as your signal turns from yellow to red. Up to three cars may turn on a "Buffalo left."

In Amherst, the most expensive vehicle always has the right-of-way. In Buffalo, the vehicle with the most rust and/or body damage has the right-of-way. In the Southtowns, the biggest truck has the right-of-way.

Electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Buffalo look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the Amherst police cars parked in the median of the Youngmann Expressway.

Italian-American drivers must always be in front of you, no matter how fast you are going, or how slow they are going. Watching two Italian-American drivers compete for the point position along Hertel Avenue adds to the excitement of driving in Buffalo.

Real Buffalonians have both a "summer car" and a "winter car."

All drivers and passengers are required to bow your head and make the Sign of the Cross whenever you drive by a Catholic church. The Virgin Mary will make sure that you don't get into an accident while you take your eyes off the road. If you're not Catholic, well, when in Rome ...

In Cheektowaga, look out for little old Polish ladies that can barely see above the steering wheels of their Plymouth Reliants and Dodge Aries. They absolutely must get to the daily mass or the bingo hall, and the only thing slower than their driving speed is their reflex time.

If you're a volunteer fireman, it's perfectly acceptable to flash your light bar to go through red lights. After all, the keg of Genesee Cream Ale down at the hall won't be there forever.

"Snow emergencies" mean that you can only drive 10 MPH above the speed limit on the Kensington Expressway.

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

Do not proceed through an intersection, even if you have the green light, until all cars on the cross street have slid on the ice through intersection. During periods of heavy snow, wait at least 10 or 15 seconds after your signal turns green before proceeding.

Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and apparently not enforceable in the Buffalo area during rush hour, with the exception of the Village of Kenmore, where the penalty for speeding is death.

Your car must be equipped with at least two of the following: a bumper sticker reading "Pray the Rosary," or "97 Rock;" anything related to the Bills, rosary beads hanging from the mirror, an Infant of Jesus doll in the back window; a crown air freshener; an after-market vinyl roof; subwoofer that can be felt in Rochester; or rust.

South Buffalo. St. Patrick's Day. Don't even think of driving there then

. It's a Buffalo traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. If you're an Italian-American, don't honk, but rather hang your head out the window of your Monte Carlo and threaten the slowpoke by screaming "Yo!" at the top of your lungs.

Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the traffic begins to back up.

Buy a map, and memorize the relationship between expressway names and their route numbers. Traffic reporters always use names, not route numbers. Highway signs show route numbers, not names.

Real Buffalonians don't need a four wheel drive vehicle to drive in the snow.

A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

Save gasoline by accelerating to 10 MPH above the speed limit, then decelerating to 10 MPH below.

Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.

Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are just God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junk yards and new vehicle sales.

Remember, Buffalo isn't called the "Twenty Minute City" for nothing. Take advantage of that expressway system that was "built for a city of two million people," and test the hypothesis whenever possible.

Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone just changing a tire.

Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that an Italian driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

The official litter zone is an area bounded by Main Street, Amherst Street, Bailey Avenue and Broadway. Use this zone to empty your ashtray, get rid of that Mighty taco bag, or discard old tires that have been collecting in your garage.

Learn to swerve abruptly. Buffalo is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to NYSDOT, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.

Anticipate your turn miles before the turn itself. Turn your directionals on at least a mile before you actually turn, just to be extra cautious. If you're a little old Polish lady from Cheektowaga, leave your directionals on for at least ten minutes after you turn, just to let other drivers know where you came from.

When driving in Canada, all rules are off. Pass on the right, the left, the shoulder, the median, wherever. Treat metric speed limit signs as if they're in English units -- everyone else does. If you can't make it to Toronto in an hour and 15 minutes, either get your car or your head examined.

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