Well here I am, 45 minutes of sitting in my bed thinking and not being able to sleep. I know exactly why and here it is.
You said that you aren’t sure what feelings you are going to have when you see me. If this is a true statement, what if you regain your feelings for me? Also you said you don’t know if things between you and alex will last with the long distance. Then what? Are you going to try to rekindle things with me? Obviously it would just be a distance thing, not a matter of how much you care for him. How am I supposed to react? You know your affecting the chances of getting back together with me seeing that you didn’t just “take time off” from the relationship. You started dating someone else. Someone, that to me, you seem to care way too much for, way to fast. Which, honestly, makes me think that not only did you have intentions in the back of your mind to date alex following your break up with me, but I also think that you didn’t meet him for the first time at the wedding like you told me. I remember you telling me about friends of becky’s and mike’s coming over to their parties. And parties when you just lived with becky. I never had a problem with you having fun and going to parties. I bet well and good though, that your interest for him was sparked way back when. And I don’t feel you were honest with me. Also, I have this gut feeling that you weren’t loyal to our relationship. I say this because times that I brought up Heath kissing you, you have said things like “oh yeah.” Like you forgot, or suppressed it. I don’t believe that you didn’t kiss other guys when we were dating. Specifically when you went to Orlando or when you were at this wedding. You need to be strait forward with me right now. I was with you. I never kissed anyone EVER when dating you. If you don’t tell me the honest truth right now, I will never forgive you. I will not speak to you, I will not call you, and I will not maintain our friendship. I know I don’t know your friends so I would never know for sure but I beg of you tell me the truth. If you tell me the truth, yeah I will be mad, yes I probably won’t talk to you for a while, but I promise to do what I can to maintain the unstable friendship I am feeling for you right now. I hope you understand that the problems from our relationship were all small compared to other people’s relationships. The matter of me not giving you enough attention has a lot to do with our situations. I am sure it is easy for you and alex to give each other attention. You are both working in the same town and can forget about it when you leave. When we were dating, we almost always were in school and most the time not even in the same city. There wasn’t one time that we both weren’t working or in school. It a lot easier to do things like work out together and spend alone time together when you are working and not going to school. I feel that when you return to purdue it could get to the point where we are going to see each other more than we have in almost a year. This isn’t going to play well with my emotions and mind seeing as that it would be almost the same relationship except for the s*xual part. In the spring, you worked, I went to school. This summer, we both worked, but not in the same town. Yeah, it’s nice to see the person you are in a relationship with, but now that we are just friends, I have to work to maintain my friendship with others around me as well. It’s going to be easier this year with many of them leaving, but I am not going to hold you to any higher standard as any of them. I can’t. I don’t feel I have a best friend right now. I feel I have a lot of friends that are close, but none of which want to spend the time to understand the emotions I am going through. Even you. If you did, I feel a lot of your actions would have been different. I think you would have told me your feelings about our relationship. You would have given me a chance to change. And then you would have been able to decide what you wanted to do, if changes were made or not. That would be what a true best friend would do. Yeah, I was irrational for breaking up with you when I did over a year ago. Yes, I never should have sent that email. Similar to this piece of sh*t I right now. I should have written it and then waited to talk to you in person. Yes, I made the mistake of allowing someone that offered comfort into my bedroom. But I stopped it. Before I ever allowed feelings to grow between us that were more than a fling. I cut off my contact with her and told her I was upset for moving in on my so quickly. I told her I felt taken advantage of because I was in at a weak moment in my life. And remember you went on dates too when we were broken up. I even saw you face to face before anything happened between me and laura. And you were not very pleasant to me. (I understand, believe me I do) I made a mistake. But I think I stopped things and made things right at the time. I acted as a friend and was strait up honest with you. I even did what you asked a month and half ago. I took time off. I tried to discover myself. Except, I didn’t try dating, but that was mostly due to no offers going out to me. But even if I did, I feel would have contacted you and told you that the time off is over and we are done. I have no idea how long you waited to tell me. And this sh*t about, i would like him, i would get along with him. That is b*ll sh*t. Just like you should have not liked laura because she moved in before we could totally settle things is the same reason I don’t like that he knows you were dating me for 3 and a half years and he jumps in a starts dating you how quickly? Other things that upset me is that I tried to get in shape to make myself feel s*xier and hopefully be sexier in your eyes. I joined a gym in the spring, and I worked out. But you never did, or at least you never said you did. I never said anything in the relationship about how we both were I guess gaining weight, but I tried to get back in shape. You start after we break up? Why? So your new boyfriend can have a s*xier jen? I don’t know how to feel about that. We talked about being work out buddies at school. I don’t think that will work. Cause I know I will always have feelings for you and to know the time we spend on toning our bodies will ultimately help your relationship with him. I am sorry, but I am being honest and I guess that is selfish. I would think you would think the same thing. By working out with me, it might attract more girls to me. Maybe you don’t give a sh*t. I do. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think physical attraction is nearly as important as personality (hence the thing with laura) but it plays an important role. And if you say it doesn’t I don’t believe you.
Where would we be if you would have spoken up and allowed me to change my habits? I am sorry you were sad in our relationship. If you really wanted things to end, sometimes I wish you would have ended things earlier then, so I could get on with my life as well. I don’t know. I think you need to think long and hard about things and make sure that you are completely honest and truthful with your response to this letter. I know this letter might upset you, and I am sorry. I hope you understand that it is a letter so tone can’t be totally implied. I write this more as a pathetic individual that feels a lot of love, pain, slight betrayal, sadness and apologetic. I don’t even know why I am writing this. My friends (besides my mother) say things about me getting on with my life, forget about jen, but I can’t. You mean the world to me. And at the very least I would like to remain friends. I don’t know what I wish for the future. But you left me with a lot of questions, hazy details and not very good answers. I need more. Please write me back or call. Either is fine. I would prefer in writing. Please, just take some time before doing either.
Love,
Mark