LEONARD'S LEGAL BARN: SIGN UP NOW AND RECEIVE 66% OFF YOUR NEXT LEGAL CASE OF:
hit and run accident - blackmail - drunk driving after snorting cocaine off the chest of a particularly unattractive Philippino hooker - building a Tie-Fighter without a licence - Bigfoot kidnapping - being kidnapped by Bigfoot - horrible war crimes and acts against humanity - jaywalking - spitting in a no-spitting zone - impersonating Dale Earnhardt's rabid ghost - indecent exposure while committing manslaughter - intimidating wildlife - abducting grain - hit and run intentional accident - AOL Buddy List errors
WE WILL REPRESENT YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU'RE CHARGED WITH, ASSUMING IT'S NOT A SCHOOL NIGHT AND YOUR INTERNET LAWYER ISN'T GROUNDED BY HIS BITCH MOM WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE IN HIGH SCHOOL THESE DAYS SO SHE CAN JUST GO TO HELL BECAUSE UNTIL SHE STARTS LISTENING TO SLIPKNOT, SHE'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND US
--- JULY SPECIAL: FILE ONE LAWSUIT, GET ONE ADDITIONAL LAWSUIT OF EQUAL OR LESSER VALUE FOR 50% OFF!!!* ---
* does not apply to any accidents involving a beehive or one of Leonard's current girlfriends
The law offices of Leonard "J." Crabs and Leonard's Legal Barn have represented hundreds of thousands of millions of tens of hundreds of people, and we're more than excited to gain your trust and business, although not necessarily in that order. Take a look at just a few of our many, many Internet lawyers that we have ready to serve you, the fat American slob:
LEGAL BACKGROUND: Eddie's seen almost every episode of "Law and Order," which he cleverly referred to as "Law and Odor" in his on-line resume. He also misspelled the words "high school," "cowboy," and "guilty," but four out of 120 is a pretty darn good record if we do say so ourselves! Eddie got his big break when he was representing his classmate Steve "Stive" Gonzales in the case of "Stive Gonzales vs. the CoolCat304 Chatrooms." Eddie successfully sued CoolCat304 for "falsely giving him ops" and "impersonating a mod" during August of 1999. The court found significant emotional distress and awarded Steve the sum of $4.29 and one of those fake "magic" pencils that is just cheap vulcanized rubber with a "made in Taiwan" stamp on it. Steve Gonzales went on to compete in a number of high profile Quake 3: Arena tournaments and although he has never actually won, he had traded a lot of porn during these events.
QUOTE: "Roses are red, violets are blue. If you pick me, I will represent you! PS: NO FAGGOTS ALLOWED."
FAVORITE LEGAL WEAPON: The railgun and subpoena.
LEGAL BACKGROUND: Tom and Mitch "Two Guns" Douglas have been packing a devastating one-two punch on the Internet courtroom since their energetic appearance in the 2001 trial of "Joe Coulier vs. Dairy Queen," where the manager of the Hobbestown DQ claimed Joe stole nine quarts of the "Marshmallow flavored topping and motor vehicle lubricant." Eventually Dairy Queen dropped the two lesser charges and Joe Coulier was simply charged with homicide, aggravated assault, child endangerment, rape, attempted rape, attempt to attempt rape, thinking about attempting to attempt to attempt rape, and parking in a pregnant mother space. The "Two Guns" have a patented legal technique where one of them will take turns grilling the witness while the other one makes "BAM BAM!" sound effects and points his fingers around as if they were guns. Then they will tag the other partner and he'll jump into the court, picking up where the other left off. This technique is often performed regardless of whether or not they're defending the witness and is a crowd pleaser for juries consisting of grade school children across the globe.
QUOTE: "BAM BAM, HERE COME THE YOUNG GUNS!!! MOMMAS LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS BECAUSE TWO GUNS ARE BETTER THAN ONE, BAM BAM."
FAVORITE LEGAL MATCHUP: The people of South Dakota vs. Hitler's Floating, Disembodied Laserbeam Brain.
NAME: Margaret the Owl
LEGAL BACKGROUND: MARGARET IS OLD. MARGARET WILL FIGHT FOR YOU. MARGARET WILL FIGHT AGAINST YOU. MARGARET DOES NOT CARE WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT CRIMES YOU MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE COMMITTED. MARGARET SCREECHES LIKE AN OWL WHEN CORNERED OR LOSING AN ARGUMENT. MARGARET LOST A HUSBAND TO CANCER, ALTHOUGH DOCTORS SUSPECTED FOUL PLAY AFTER SHE CLAIMED HER HUSBAND TRIED TO MANUALLY REMOVE HIS CANCER WITH .45 CALIBER BULLETS. MARGARET THE OWL HATES HALLOWEEN AND THE KIDS WHO CELEBRATE IT. MARGARET THE OWL SPENT HER ENTIRE YOUTH MINING COAL IN A PENAL COLONY, SO SHE KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO WORK HARD, ESPECIALLY FOR COAL.
FAVORITE LEGAL MOMENT: Any moment involving thoughts of Matlock nude or field mice prone to air attack.
NAME: Ben "GOKU 29381" Smith
LEGAL BACKGROUND: Ben "Goku 29381" doesn't consider himself to just be a lawyer. No, Ben is able to channel the power taught to him by Son Gohan, able to transform into a very large ape who can also shoot fireballs at will. Then he runs out of the courtroom and into the parking lot where he accuses the prosecutor's car of stealing his fish and proceeds to beat it up. This has never really won him a single case in the courtroom, but hey, at least he's cheap to hire.*
* Ben "GOKU 29381" Smith charges extra for Goku costume.
QUOTE: "Just to show you his power level, in his early days Goku destroyed a planet 10 times the size of the earth while fighting Frieza. If you do not dismiss this case, I will beat up your car, your honor."
FAVORITE DEFENSE MANEUVAR: Trying to ban the enemy from IRC.
LEONARD'S LEGAL BARN: THE SITE SO NICE THEY HAD TO NAME IT TWICE (FORMERLY WWW.HOTCOCKSANDFUDGE.COM)
If we weren't so absolutely freaking sure of our award-winning service, we wouldn't be confident enough to share this disturbing image of Leonard "J." Crabs' floating, disembodied head haunting a barn! We put that image on our ad-blocking software's list so our kids won't run the chance of seeing it and having Leonard haunt their nightmares of blood for years to come!
LEONARD'S LEGAL BARN: WE'VE WON AT LEAST 1 OUT OF EVERY 1,000 CASES, POSSIBLY LESS, IN THE FOLLOWING LAWSUITS:
fireman's brutality - breaking and exiting - copying portions of a Major League Baseball game without express written consent from the Major League Baseball Association - failing to park in a handicapped zone even though the driver was clearly handicapped - raping a policeman's corpse in front of a crowd of kindergartners while smoking crack cocaine in a marked no-smoking crack cocaine zone - unsolicited robot invasion - email harassment by a trained puppeteer
WE WON'T STOP FIGHTING FOR YOUR CASE UNTIL EITHER YOU STOP PAYING US MONEY OR THE JUDGE TELLS US TO STOP OR WE GROW DISINTERESTED OR WE FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO DO LIKE PAINT OUR DECK
LEONARD "J." CRABS WILL FIGHT FOR YOU, EVEN IF YOU DON'T ASK HIM. LEONARD "J." CRABS WILL DO AN AWFUL LOT OF FIGHTING, OFTEN WITH HIS HAND PUPPETS NAMED "SCAPINI" AND "SUDSERELLA." SIGN UP FOR A FREE / $500 MEMBERSHIP TO LEONARD'S LEGAL BARN AND GET A COMPLIMENTARY "LEGAL DEFENSE KIT" WHICH INCLUDES THE FOLLOWING ITEMS WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT BE INCLUDED:
* A flashlight that has the word "Billy" written across it on masking tape.
* An expired coupon for a Kosher Wendy's Kids Meal.
* A complimentary photograph of Leonard "J." Crabs shaking hands with a large underwater saltwater lobster.
* A "dance mixtape" that Leonard made which consists of 68 solid minutes of sounds from Leonard's washing machine trying to clean a car battery.
* A poison-spitting cobra.
* A free black eye for your wife or kids.
Act now! Act as if your life depended on it, which it very well may! Be sure to email our trained pseudo-lawyers and semi-experts as soon as you can!