December 4th. 2006
Check me out: Iím crying again, like a twat, sat here in front of the telly, stoned and all...
Iím getting really good at this crying shit. Iím not even all that sad, just a little
overwhelmed. And for some reason, crying doesnít feel so bad right now, a bit of a
relief I suppose, a way of getting rid of pent up wobbliness.
- And yes: Iíve been thinking about you & me.
At first I was focused on staying calm and serene, abandon all emotion and not
worry; to go about my little life as usual and sleep on it. Wake up and see the world
through fresh and happy Lise-eyes in the morning and all that.
But itís too difficult not to think about it. No actually; itís too difficult not to feel anything,
but I donít quite know what to do with those emotions.
And so I cry instead. Apparently.
(I love this flik)
Youíve no idea how much it meant to me that you were there for me when I threw a
wobbly the other day. Now I feel so fucking helpless not being able to be there for you
when you felt weird. I have so much time for you and it pains me to see you going through
a shitty time and not being able to do anything.
When youíre sad, Iím sad.
I can face just about anything this fucked up life throws at me, but knowing youíve got
my back makes it a shit load easier. I think the world of you and have so much
respect for you being there for me, making me feel safe.
I wish I could make you feel like that too.
So are we learning together or are we wearing out each other? I really donít know,
maybe a bit of both. But Iíd like to believe that all this emotional turmoil Iím going
through is all for the good. Ultimately I miss you when youíre not around.
Johnny I canít bear to sit here and wonder if youíre ok, I canít phone or text you and
it driving me crazy feeling this helpless. I donít know what to do, think or say to you.
Iím lost, out of ideasÖ
But I want to work it out, I want to get it right and I think we can carry on having
something good going and maybe make it even better, who knows.
Iím not a quitter and Iím not afraid of a bit of work, because thereís one thing
I know for sure: nothing is free and the things you work the hardest for is the things you
treasure the most.
All it takes is effort, integrity and trust.
- Get me?