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Still Starvin :) : May 9,2003

Hey Di,

i lost two pounds last night. Meaning im at 133 now. I have a feeling the weight is going to start coming off slower because my body is going to get used to one small meal a day. But i hope it lasts as long as it can, i have 25 days left. My appointment with the nutrionist was kind of bothersome last night, she realizes that i am losing weight rapidly and she almost knows that im turning into a death trap again. But, this is what i want. Anorexics like suffering..why else would they do it...*squeals like a little girl* i just tried on a pair of my old favorite jeans and they fit almost perfectly! I still have work to do on my love handles and hips. Thats what is keeping me out of my old jeans mostly. Im not too worried about that though, my hips and ass were about the first thing to go, im not sure when my love handles did, but they have to go sometime - and hopefully sometime with the next 25 days.Its kind of a relief. I knew that i had let myself go, horribly. And it seems like it is all going away so fast (although i'd like it to go much faster..who wouldnt?). But if this is what my body can do, props to it. Lets begin another day...

25 days left. 152 - 133 = 19 pounds so far. 33 more to go.  Before when i was ana, my last checked weight that i was able to view was 108. Although i know that i lost more after that, i wasnt given the option to know. I remember last time my first low goal weight was 117. So im going to use it again...making it 16 more pounds. *sigh* will this day ever return? :(

casey


Return Of Ana: May 8, 2003

Hey Di,

Okay, today isn't the official return of my ED, but you get the point. I can actually say that i am somewhat proud of myself. So far i have lost 15 pounds, meaning i have 35 left. Okay, don't laugh at me. Here is my story: 5th grade. My first ED. It only lasted about half a year. I lost 25 pounds and was about 70 pounds by the time i finished 6th grade. it wasnt a big deal, besides that i started compulsivly eating. Last august (i was entering 9th grade) was my favorite one. I started out at (ewwwwww) 152 pounds. after 4 months, i weigh 102. then, of course, i was hospitalized. im 5'5, and muscular...they kept arguing that was the majority of my weight...but screw them, its my body.  anyhow. this is app. round 3 of anorexia. i have gained all of my instincts back (which is effing awesome) and have lost 15 pounds within the last two weeks, 7 of those pounds from the last 3 days. Sadly, i am 135 pounds. My purpose for going back to this was the same as it was in 5th grade - to please my grandparents. Well..i havent seen them since then...and it happens that i will be going there in the beginning of june...if i lose atleast 1 pound a day, i can be in a ball park range and thin like. and my old pants will fit (:< lol. i dont want them to see me fat. i want to be tiny. and thats my plan.

26 days left. 135 - 26 = 109. Okay so i probably wont lose one pound per day, considering i am seeing a nutrionist. I wouldnt mind losing just 20 pounds. That, i could possibly accomplish. Wish me luck, this is going to take a lot of control...:-/...

casey