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welcome to my fucked up world...enjoy your stay.
this morning was typical....woke up...about 45 mins. before i started my shift at work...scrambled around brushed my teeth, washed my face, got dressed, grabbed what food i could take and fly out the door...before i was late for work...cause a casual walk takes 1/2 hour to get work..and i didn't feel like running, blading or power-walking my ass to work..cause it was like fuckin' 45 degrees out w/ humidex...and walking slowly was pretty unbearable by itself and as i made i way to the store(where i work), the same thought that has been going through my mind a lot these last few weeks was running through it again, "shit, i need a car...so how do i get a car? i know i can't save up for a car..should i lease a car? it's only 2Gs down..more or less..and about 2 bills a month...but dad said it was a bad thing..cause i get ripped off in the end..but i can't afford a car....shit the insurance would be almost 4 bills a month........ai.... I NEED A CAR!!" and why have i been so preoccupied w/ this? cause my road test is coming up, and i expect a good outcome...that means a PASS....and hopefully put that to some use... anyway, this was normal for me, had some customers cuss me off first thing in the morning, those mofos..whatever...then i had my lunch, went to check my phone for msgs...even though those were rare...and do you know what i heard?? "selene, dad had an accident at work...he's in the hospital right now..me, mon and shirley are going there now...where are you?" FUCK!! my heart just jumped out of my chest right there..i was so fuckin' scared..i called my house right away...and my mom made it sound like such a minor accident...she said that it was just an accident w/ his hand..so.. i breathed..said "bye"..hung up and went about my day..thinking..probably just got another big cut..that needed stitches...so i finished my shift..and i went dt to eaton's to deal w/ this stupid necklace i bought that was fucked up... and now i feel like a cold heartless bitch that is undeserving of my father's love....why? cause i didn't rush home when i heard....no.. i went to the mall..FUCK... i'm not going to go into details..cause...it's just too personal...most i will say is that it was NOT a minor SCRATCH..no..it was much much worse...and i know my daddy will heal...but...i know that he's also angry..this accident was not self inflicted...someone else's stupidity caused it..and i want to fuckin' kill that fucker...LOOK WHAT HE'S DONE.... my dad's worked there for more than 20 years ..and this is the first time something this severe happened... i'm so angry..i'm so mad..when i saw...i said..i screamed...FUCK...I'M SO MAD...and i looked at my dad... i could see he was so angry....he was sitting there holding up his elbow on his knee to keep it up....he understood my anger..becuase i know that his anger..his rage was in multiples of what i felt... w/ my grandma and uncle over..everyone just sat and talked..and... the air became less dense...thick..with..pity...anger...pain..and ... driving became a topic again...my uncle let me drive around the beaches area and around gerrard... and i feel so shallow now..how could i do that? while my dear daddy was in so much pain.... shit.. i'm such a bitch... when i got back home...after like 30 minutes or so.. i just sat there and listened to my dad..."that fuckin' guy...i want him fired.."...i do too...but we both knew that it wasn't going to happen..the guy would be retrained... and this all just brings me back to the strike w/ the FUCKIN' GARBAGE MEN...i mean...WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG W/ YOU PPL?? YOUR SALARIES ARE LIKE FLOATING AROUND 60GS.....60 GRAND FOR CRIPES SAKE....you're so fortunate to have a fuckin' union..and you abuse it..and demand an increase in salary..our streets smell like pure shit and YOU KNOW IT.... you complain that your work is pure labour..well.. the most you can do to harm yourself is to stupidly jump in w/ the fuckin' garbage and turn on the compressor you fuckheads...or a car decides to run you whining babies over... my dad does not have an union, he works a labour job, arduous labour, he's come home w/ many cuts, stitches, dislocated joints...he works a fixed salary..without a likely chance in hell of a large raise and the inability to demand one either....with no opportunity for him to climb the corporate ladder, simply because 1. he's a labour worker...and 2. his english is not perfect...and what keeps him there is the hopes that he can shelter, feed, clothe his children...to give us all the benefits he never had...and the hope that we will NEVER ever have to suffer like he does...he loves us too much to quit...to find something happier for him..simply cause this job can provide for us... yes, my father complains about the working conditions, years and years pass and his employees that work under him, decrease in numbers and the workload increases, but his salary does not. why the fuck shouldn't he complain?? tell me?? and these damned garbage workers..fuckheads... i've revealed enough about my family life... i've said only what was necessary to get my point out.....in less than a month, i know that my father will return to work...and waht will he get? the same shit...accidents happen at his work...because it is PURE LABOUR.... and now i'm just scared ... ,br> fuckin' strike...fuckin' unbelievable!! shit man, and you know what else?? if anyone wants to refute me and give me examples about how the poor fuckin' garbage men suffer...save it for yourself, you will never prove anything w/ me...i know what shit my dad goes through, through his eyes, my brother's and my uncle's...i've never experienced it..but i can only imagine...it..and it is far from easy..and moving away from difficult into the extremes.... i'm so frustrated....and...i wish...that... this day never happened...go back to yesterday....when it was ok.... that's all i have to say for now. |02.07.02| AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!! i failed the god damned calculus exam... god damn it.. i still remember..after i wrote it i was like...oh this wasn't so tough... not perfect...probably got around 70..and i failed..god fuck it!...i keep calling UTM..and i'm getting no answers..so scared...scared..s.c...a....rr...ee...ddddd!!!! shit i wish that i didn't fuckin' slack off so much between last year and this year...it would've made a shit load of a difference in my average....which is..80 right now...could've been higher...UGH...and it would've made a shitload if a difference in how my life has been these last 2 years as well...if i tried at all last year, most likely i would NOT have taken OAC CHEM again..even though i know..wang was a monster...and..I would have finished OAC ENG last year..instead of dropping it just to have double spares....so that i would have had my OSSD last year..instead of this year... and for this year, if i had listened to everyone's warnings..and dropped Dykes' CAL class in september, then i would have never been in this predicament where i almost lost a credit!..UGH..these past few months...all i could do was think about where my relationship w/ alex has brought me...and whether or not i regretted the things we did...i know i DON'T...and god, i hope he doesn't either, it was special..BUT that's not what i'm talking about right now, what i know now, is that after the sobbing and the crying and the rage had subdued, i don't regret our relationship...just horribly PISSED OFF at how he let things come to be at present...but what i DO REGRET... is all the slacking off i've done....god..that is the most horrible mistake of my life!... well i really don't know what else to write... so i'll just leave it at that for now... |30.06.02| costs of the rci prom 2002 $ 222.00 - dress - custom $ 43.11 - heels $ 11.49 - foundation $ 12.64 - 3 rolls kodak 400 film from loblaws $ 11.49 - 3 rolls kodak 400 film from shoppers $ 3.44 - body glitter $ 2.29 - jewelled headband $ 20.70 - jewelled necklace $ 2.29 - magnetic earrings $ 41.40 - *special strapless bra $ 50.00 - orange (ugh) salon highlights $ 9.34 - dark red hair dye $ 3.78 - hair spray for curls $ 65.00 - prom ticket grand total : $ 496.68 and that's not including the travel costs, and the amount it will cost me to develop all that film! so was prom worth it? yeah, it was great, everything went well, people looked beautiful...it was a nice night...low point..the slow songs...ugh the reminders...high point..that picture w/ karl... when i develop it..check the photo album..it's funny! yup yup... but... surprisingly.. i wasn't all weepy.. and going.. "OH.. i'm gonna miss you so much..." for me.. it's not over yet.. i still feel like there's a school to go to....wonder when i will FEEL like it's over.. i already KNOW it is... what i think was one of the best things...was how.. i wanted so bad to go to the salon and set my hair...but... i had no $$ left, so i did it myself..and the irony is that it looked pretty good.....people thought that i went to a salon!! and some hair that was done at salon looked like it was done at home...strange strange.. but it was alright... yup yup.. good times at prom 2002 and plenty of pictures too! soon to be up :) |26.06.02| know what's funny? well it's not even funny... it's reality... i was always doing this online journal, constantly, i mean...when i was SO DEPRESSED... even now...as an example..and for those short 5 months... of happiness..sheer euphoria... i kept silent..when i shouldn't have... i should've let my joy pour out here.... so all this crap taht i'm typing would actually be bittersweet..and not just bitter. i've loved alex luong for the last two years..and i still do...and all the entries preceeding the days of "us", were filled w/ fear..of rejection...hope of being together...and so much love for him...i would've done anything for him... i probably still would... all the things that i believed... i kept w/ me..and ever since we ended... it's all changed ... i could care less if i died today or tomorrow... i have no hopes for the future...especially mine..i have nothing except me..and i know there are times..many times where i can't even depend on myself....he blamed himself for this change in me...alex.. i mean.. he said, "you weren't like this before we broke up." i denied it, but he was right...that was a long time ago since we last spoke...and it's not his fault... it's mine.. i never chose the better things for me.. i chose passion...blind, blind passion...and i can barely remember it either...so was it worth it? well was it worth it for me to go through the pain doubly-over? i can't keep dumping it on him...but i can't help it either.. i'm so FUCKIN' ANGRY...broken promises... i know i have to learn to let go.. or i'll never move on... and away... i've moved away..as hard as it was for me... not to hear his voice anymore... not to see his face anymore...i don't know if i can move on.. it's in my power.. but .. i know that as much as i should.. i don't want to... alex..was the biggest impact on my life...in so many ways..on so many levels..and no one..NO ONE can seem to understand....not even him...which makes me so sad... we were best friends...the best of friends... we had this bond..this wonderful connection to each other...the compulsion to do all the things we did for one another... i know that i did things for him...that i'd never do for anyone else in the world..and i'm sure.. he for me... we were in love..at least i was...the things we did.... but the emotions WE FELT.... outweighs the deeds...we were on top of the world.. and we were each other's worlds.. i KNOW it.... but all the things i could ever write about alex and me..would never be enough... there are not enough words... time...to describe it... but this is how i feel..and i don't know about him....he hates to think.. this year has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me....but... it's also been the SHITTIEST year for me, school-wise...i thought last year would be the worst year for me by marks...but i topped that this year... well dropped... i've never been SO LAZY... my marks have never plummetted so low..and what with work and night school... it never got better...all i can do right now is HOPE and PRAY that i got at least a 70% on my calculus exam... otherwise... i HAVE to go to summer school...and that is something that SHOULD NOT happen...i've gone from over achiever to bottom of the barrel... so it's been a rollercoaster for me for school too...and what's more.. by typing this out.. i BET i'm just jinxing myself for next year.... in the friendship department... i don't even know where to start...except to say... i finally ended one friendship that i should've ended long ago.. it was a poisonous friendship...not good for either one of us...she doesn't see it that way...that blind, naive girl... if she'd only OPEN her eyes to the truth... about what trust is, what friendship is and what love really means in her life...but i've also learned...to find out the truth on my own.. and i'm so sorry i never saw what a wonderful friend i had in cindy tse... i love you girl!!..i'm so glad i found out these last few months...instead of too late...and to all the friends that knew that i was being hurt and told me....and as stubborn as i was..who wouldn't listen..they still cared...and supported my decisions... THANK YOU... johnny, wendy, mary and david ngo.... especially when they were right..they weren't cruel in saying, "i told you so..." thanks you guys! the one thing i suppose i learned from all of this is: we each have the ability to do what is "right" for each of us...only if we WANT to..... so now i will go back to stressing about prom on tuesday! au revoir! |23.06.02| i saw this on some page...and i`m gonna steal the concept... name 4 things that i should be doing right now 1. studying for tomorrow`s bio exam! 2. NOT on the computer 3. NOT on AA 4. NOT on icq! LOL name 4 things that i would wish for 1. to go back to aug 28 2001 - feb 13 2002 and freeze time...valentine`s would never happen 2. to have transferred out of dykes class in sept. 3. to have won the 34 million super-7 lottery 4.to have more wishes |13.06.02| online journals...everyone does it nowadays...daily..weekly..whatever...but WHY? why do we write things that have been on our minds all day for the whole world to see...but can`t even breathe it to our own friends??? i have a theory..it`s because we know what our friends will say every single time..and we want something new...we want SOMEONE ELSE to GIVE A DAMN!! and sometimes that someone is very specific to us i write this stuff down cause i can`t think about anything else..literally..and i hope that HE will see my page and do something about it..but you see.. i`m also smart enough to know that he won`t ever see this page...alex luong doesn`t GIVE TWO SH*TS about me...needless to say..if his dear ex-baby got run over tomorrow and died...he wouldn`t know nor would he even care to do anything...to feel anything... whomever has seen this page as i added to it...saw one thing if they read it...ONE BROKEN GIRL...but there`s something still i haven`t shown... that for the last 3 months... i have been severely BITTER as well. ..he once drew it..we were so beautiful...and now we`re nothing...he is still everything to me..and i am NOTHING TO HIM now...it`s all his fault..HE KNOWS IT |04.05.02| current status: numb....numb in my mind...numb in my heart...numb to all..except him. not numb to him at all...when he`s around..i awaken...his touch...a gentle brush as he walks past..and i feel all our passions have dissipitated...within him... but if he reached and touched me...and felt me...the intensity that lives inside of me...the sorrow...of no longer feeling his lips on mine...the desire that still burns so for onlyhim...the love i`ve lost and feel every night before i close my eyes...the way his fingers danced with mine..his warm embrace...the way our hearts raced.... if he only knew...if he only cared...if he had tried... he tookthe time on his aa page to carefully remove |status: happy| and |favourite girl: Selene M.| and my picture with his words, "my beautiful piggy Selene" but left everything..the page..the layout...the words...that i had created for him...alone... ..i feel like crying..and sobbing...but..my heart`s so heavy and numb..i feel so empty right now...that tears just won`t come...so hurt i still am....while he just moves on..and away..from..the magic that once was... |24.04.02| news! rciagenda cover contest...me = winner! yea!! so happy! just finished writing the march english exam..."character is destiny"...wtf is that??? so much bs on my paper! *haha* about to write first night school test..*imagine little old lady w/ ukranian accent* "after first test, you cry!" rci fahsion show tonight : incognito...wish i could go f*ck man..it`s spring and..it`s friggin` snowin`, hailin`, rainin`!! AHH |26.03.02| i miss him...i didn`t realize it...i kept playing in my mind...over and over...our moments...i smile...and i write it down...for fear of forgetting. i dream of him...and i wake up so happy...but it fades as the truth sets in...my brother always said, "the truth may hurt, but it`s the truth." and he was...he is right. i was sketching a picture of us...of him holding me in his arms...and my sister looked at it...then at me...and asked, "you miss him don`t you?"...i was surprised...i don`t know why...and i looked at her and nodded...i cried myself to sleep that night...i miss him so much... |23.03.02| mes désirs doivent être dans des ses bras encore et senter ses baisers, sa passion, son amour pour moi encore, mais il ne m`aime plus. quand il y avait des obstacles devant nous, il n`a pas voulu essayer plus, il a choisi d`oublier nos joies, et aucun chance pour nous survivre. enfin, je le deteste pour ses façons, il m`a dit qu`il n`a aucun affection pour moi, je sais qu`ilm`a menti. pourquoi, je ne sais pas...je sais qu`il existe quelque chose dans son coeur pour moi...je ne sais pas c`est quoi...mais je sais que je l`aime encore. frenchie = me!! hahah... anyway, i still miss him...even after all the things that had happened...i guess...the first real love...will always be the deepest...and the hardest to let go... |11.03.02| thoughts [21.11.01] Well, i haven't had any time to do any updating these last 3 months, school has been hectic as hell!! hw, assignments, ISUs....oh f*ck....it only gets harder...never gets easier....ahh...what's the point of all this struggling? just to finally be able to live it off when i'm 65+ after 65 years of hard work?? ahh...screw what i just typed....it's stupid.... Actually, I haven't updated this site...page...since june...so it's been like 5-6 months...hehe so lazy eh? well, truthfully, i've been pretty preoccupied.... spending most of my time w/ alex, then 2ndly, working, 3rdly, sleeping, 4thly, doing hw....geez...that sure is messed up, huh? and what do i have to show for all of this?? 1. a boyfriend that........anyway 2. no money in my friggin' bank acc, 3. still i'm exhausted 4. a sh*tty 75% avg!!! FUCK!!!! *sigh* And just last week, i wrote a cheque for 130 dollars to the OUAC...ahh!! and 50 of that amount, i didn't ever want to write down, but i had to open up my options!! because...i can get rejected.....of course w/ an avg of 75 i would be!! SHIT!! ok, i've got to can the potty mouth All i've really got to say, is 1. I must work so hard for ALL my marks to be 80-85+ 2. I have to start saving up my money...must stop squandering my hard earned dollars 3. I must learn to manage my time better! 4. I must have faith in someone 5. -- 28.11.01 -- Happy 3 months' Alex!! *muah* c'est tout for maintenant, au revoir! thoughts [18.06.01] YEA!!!!! IT'S FINALLY OVER!! school...hehe...well for me it is... good sh*t! Finished my OAC Chem exam today...and i'm pretty sure i did well enough to pass...*crossing fingers* i sure hope taht all nighter was for a good cause.... yea so it's been a while since i last updated this page, over a month, that's surprising!! well, life's been a bit hectic lately...it used to be that i could just see tomorrow and think...hmm what am i gonna do? but now, there's always something to do!! The week has only just begun, and yet it's already laid out before me..*sigh* no lounging around this week.... well, i don't want to yap too much about each thing that's been on my mind...so i'll just number them, and if anyone cares enough, they can dwell on what this sh*t is, and ask me what's up..otherwise...who gives a sh*t about what i'm thinking about right? 1. I can't stand people who pretend to be something who we all know that they aren't...example, girls who act all polite and sweet as if they have never known wrong, just to attract guys who buy into that, it's all bullsh*t!! 2. THIS SCHOOL YEAR SUCKED MORE SH*T THAN ANY OTHER YEAR 3. I hope i have my honour roll back 4. Falling in love again feels like it's never going to happen to me 5. I just get uglier and uglier.... 6. I'm going to miss Robert and Alex a lot when they transfer next year...*sniff* 7. I have a F*CKIN' spending problem, and i am DAMN aware!! 8. I hope this is the best summer I have yet...got stuff planned! :) 9. When you first met me, i was the person i am today, don't try and change me, because i'll be someone else, and then a stranger to you... 10. TENNIS!!!!!!!!!!! BLADING!!!!!!!!! BIKING...oh sh*t, wait that got stolen thoughts [08.05.01] well, well the strike's finally over...and what have we all learned? That we've all become pros at procrastinating...we all have many deadlines for projects, essays, des comptes-rendus...etc. And now it's crunch time..YIKES! well...my life is somewhat back in order now...school's on it's normal...yet f*cked up schedule again (it's RCI...it just sucks)...i have finally learned to control my debit swiping addictions....by giving my debit card to a friend..haha.. who constantly threatens for the PIN...you ain't havin' it B*TCH!!! *haha*....i've stopped stayin' invisible so damn much now.... the net has become very, very dull!...i'm gonna get new blades w/ my very proud savings...*haha*....and i'm opening my eyes to everything now... i've learned things in the past 6 weeks or so..that i didn't want to hear...but am somewhat glad that i do know... and it just makes me boil inside..because everything within the last 2 years would've been different...if i had only known the truth then...well...it's all the past now.. nothing to do but look forward right?? haha... yup... final thoughts 1. some guys are real DUMB PIGS!!! ai..no offence to anyone 2. i'm workin' this tired brain tryin' to attain my once proud 80+ in OAC CHEM....*sniff* 3. i want my G2!!!!!!! 4. i want to blade all day everyday 5. scratch that..i want to drive all day everyday!*hehe* thoughts [06.04.01] well it's a brand new month, with brand new experiences, and new things to set sights on. Last night was our massey hall performance, where about 8 high schools arranged a great concert composed of strings, band and vocal music. Last year, we didn't get any press for it, just goes to show that the media only cares for all the bad things that some teenagers have accomplished, instead of the great success of 1000 students and their music teachers. This year, i hope some kind of media group came and saw us, and gave teenagers a good rep' for a change! so how is my personal life? well, i'm still aching, but i think i'm getting better.... i hope so.. that's all for now... thoughts [23.03.01] news!! there might be a strike at school...bad and good at the same time... high school is a very bad place to have strikes...but everyone loves a break..ahh! well.... what can i say?? i'm sick and tired of hurting...of silently watching.. and breaking inside... i hate this... i don't like this feeling..but it's inevitable... because it's a part of life... and i just have to accept it.. that it was bound to happen...i was scared of saying anything.. and i still am... but you know what? absorbing pain can go only so far...and i bet anybody reading this will have a distinct idea of what i'm talking about..i'm gonna go cold turkey like a good friend said... and... it's going to hurt me.. and it's gonna hurt someone.... but it has to happen.. because i can't wait anymore... i can only stand so much...before i fall completely...and i may never get back up again....so... yeah.... life's an ultimate b*tch for me.... hope and wish for me to move on? because i need all the help i can get... thanks march 18, 2001 well, the march break is over now...and i don't know if i either wasted this one week of r&r, or made it completely useful...well i'll say one thing for sure, it was a lot better than my christmas! i don't have much to say today.... always dreaming, always wishing, always hoping...am i just hoping in vain?? hoping for something that doesn't exist?? i know how to find out if it does...but i'm so scared..so scared of the consequences...so scared of change...what is wrong with me??? is this normal?? this always happens...and everytime... i find myself on the hurting end...will this time be any different?? nope.. i guess not....only my courage could answer that..and right now i'm pretty low on bravery....AHH!! i'm so frustrated...so sad....so angry with myself... *sigh*... march 9th 2001 well nothing's really happened, i'm walking again...if you don't know what i'm talking about... check last entry... i don't know why, but all day today, there's this little saying that's been in my head wanting something and doing something about it are two different things the type of person i find myself to be, is the former, i just wish, and i just want...but i never doing anything about it...because i'm afraid of the reactions, and the changes that would happen because of my actions.....i used to be the latter...but now all of a sudden, i care about what others think..well not everyone...just certain people....i don't know why what's worse is that i'm a pessimist...so i reflect and imagine that the changes would be bad, never a good outcome..that i'd always get hurt...well nothing has changed in my favour.. so i'm going to stay pessimistic...but.. then again.. i never do anything to make the changes... i just wish that i was provoked then... i don't know.. i do know.. circles in my mind.. au revoir... [24.02.01] well.. see that pic above.. that was when i was happy... when i could walk!!! :P yup so i stupidly sprained my ankle yesterday at school..right afterschool today... yippee yay... and.. a lot of people i know were there... hmph.. and i guess this is where you can basically tell that i'm pissed off...i thought.. i've always believed.. if you saw your friend..regardless...friend.... acquaintance.... someone you know and you don't speak to... if you saw them hurt.... injured.. whatever the hell the problem is... you should go and see if they're alright... well yesterday.. i saw a fine example of how many people "care" ....who stood and just watched... and how many actually came over to see if i was alright...ahh.. i have one word for those who stood there... "f*ckers" i guess i'm just really mad right now... but i've never been so annoyed..are they friends or are they not??? sh*t!!! and by the way... only 2 people..JUST 2 came over... and those people are Cindy and Mohsin... THANKS YOU GUYS!! and Laura who called my house and cell repeatedly... THANKS FOR LOVIN' ME!! and thos who were there when i fell... who stayed.. dawn, judy and wing hong.. thanks you guys.. thanks for holding my hand dawn! well as you can obviously tell...my thoughts are not very intellectual today.. they're just plain and f*ckin' angry... if you want intellect... read my first thought ever that's enough for now February 10th 2001 anyway...so what have i been thinking about lately?? well, my ultimate disappointment in myself really...my grades...have never been so low in my life... and i have no right to wonder how the hell that happened...because i already know the damn answer, i was too f*ckin' lazy....my procrastinating went on too long...and now it's cost me dearly...and there's no one to blame, but myself...i should really have some self control...well i'm trying now...even though it's incredibily hard to break the habit...but as the saying goes..."an ounce of determination is worth far more than a ton of procrastination"...i'm doing my best to live by it. hmm..what else has been on my mind?? well a million things have spead through it since my last depressing entry...i'll do my best to keep it short *sigh* valentine's day is coming up...so sad...well not really...just another BIG reminder that no guy is in love w/ me..*sniff* but why would they be?? i'm not wonderful... *sigh* i wish i was wonderful in someone's eyes....*haha* alright enough lonely-sappy-stuff ...i'm gonna have my fun on v-day, *heeh* us singletons are gonna get together and eat our pints of haagen daz and watch some hilarious movie...and laugh our ice-cream filled asses off!! *hah* and no couple-people allowed!! :P *haha* lol..but on the side...i do wonder...because the approaching day...does someone think about me?? will i ever receive a rose not from friendship but of love?? *shrugs* i guess i'll never know...oh wellz...life's full of surprizes... i guess that's all for this month..who knows..maybe i'll have an epiphany some time this month.. or something wonderful will happen to me..*haha* not likely...au revoir mes amis... thoughts [ 7.01.01 ] the one big thing that has been hitting me a lot lately, is that as we're all nearing 18, reality just comes down harder and harder. Let me elaborate, sure we're becoming legal adults, yippee-yay...but, a lot of us have to start paying attention to our actions, because the consequences are great...and no, i'm not talking about stupid petty arguments between friends, gossiping, ganging up on people...just because they "said" something about you...no i'm talking about life and death,and how we treat these two. everyone who knows me...knows that i have this phobia towards death, i'm just scared sh*tless by the idea of death, and one of the reasons that i'm afraid of death, is that i'm going to die without a cause, that everyone will forget me, and that my existence would have been meaningless...so i hate talking about it, or thinking about it. but a couple of days ago, i was surfing through AA, and i came to a page, where a girl had put up a dedication to her friend. He had just passed away this month. That alone would've been sad...and i probably wouldn't have thought twice about it, but here's the thing, he was MY age. his birthday was this january, he didn't live to see his 18th birthday, and it saddened my greatly. I went to his page, he was one of those guys wo loved to have fun, raving...but he also had plans for his future, he was more ready for university than i am...he enjoyed photography...and he wanted to go into it...and he had many other interests too, that he was looking into...but now he can't...it hit me hard...he was so young...he didn't even get a chance...!! yesterday i was reading a newspaper, an 18 year old boy was killed in a car accident, he was driving...and someone hit him....as a child, i always heard reports like this and it didn't hit me, sure it was sad, but...it was something i'd forgotten as soon as i went out to play...but i'm 17 now.. and i have friends turning 18...who are 18, and what's more we're all more independant now, we don't have our parents hands to hold across the street now. i have friends who drive, friends who rave, friends who drink...for fun, and i never thought much about these things...we're all just having fun...no one thinks of having to be cautious about it...most of us are careful...and that's great... i don't know exactly what i'm saying...it's just what's been on my mind...i guess...i'm finally realizing that reality is hitting deep at home. feel sorry for me? well don't....this life is cursed...this heart forever broken....thanks for reading...thanks for caring?? ... i don't know.. |
