Blonde Jokes

********************** What do you call a blonde with a yellow balloon? —Twins ********************** Why do blondes like to wear a pony tail? —To hide the air valve stem. ********************** A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and the machine keeps sending out drinks. A person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go at it. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, 'Can't you see I'm winning!' ********************** Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, 'Hurry up! It's starting to rain, and the top is down.' ********************** How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? —Tell her a joke on Wednesday. ********************** Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? —You have to hollow out the head. ********************** What do you call a smart blonde? —A golden retriever ********************************************* (If you are blonde, please, just pretend these are brunette jokes. ;-) ********************** Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, 'Hmmmmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde said, 'Let me look!' The first blonde handed her the compact. The second blonde looked in the mirror and said, 'Hey, no wonder she looked familiar ... it's me!' ********************** What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? —Oh look ... doughnut seeds! ********************** How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye? —Shine a flashlight in her ear ********************** A restaurant in California installed a magic mirror in the women's restroom. If a woman said something into the mirror and it was the truth, she'd receive one free wish. If it was a lie, she'd be sucked up into the mirror forever. The first woman to try out the mirror was a redhead. She looked deep into the mirror and said, 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.' POOF!!! She was sucked up into the mirror. Then a brunette came in to try out the mirror. After admiring her image for a while, she said, 'I think I'm the smartest woman in the world.' POOF!!! She was sucked up into the mirror. Then a blonde came in and after staring into the mirror for what seemed like hours, she said, 'I think...' POOF!!! ********************** What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? —They all drowned in spring training. ********************** There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a redheaded woman, and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a brunette. The brunette builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge. ********************** What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? —Run. She has a grenade in her mouth. ********************** What do you call a blonde skeleton sitting in the closet? —The 1992 hide-and-go-seek grand champion. ********************** What do you call a long line of blondes standing ear to ear? —A wind tunnel. ********************** What do you call a bunch of blondes standing in a circle holding hands? —A dope ring! ********************** A blonde was on vacation way down in Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!' The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!' Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and shouts out, 'Phooey! This one isn't wearing any shoes either!' ********************** The following is an actual news release from the Associated Press. Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde. ********************************************* What do you call brown hair coloring on a blond? —Artificial intelligence ********************** Why don't they like to hire blondes as pharmacists? —They break the prescription bottles in the typewriters. ********************** A blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, 'Oh, look at the dead bird.' The blonde looked skyward and said 'Where, where?' ********************** A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice, and she landed on 'Science & Nature'. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?' ********************** A blonde is out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoohoo', she shouts, 'how can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river, then shouts back, 'You *are* on the other side!' ********************** How do you drown a blonde? —Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool. ********************** Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? —They think their picture is being taken. ********************** How can you tell that a fax you've received is from a blonde? —It has a stamp on it. ********************** A highway patrolman pulls alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he is astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel is actually knitting! The trooper cranks down his window and yells to the driver, 'Pull over!' 'No', the blonde yells back, 'It's a scarf!' ********************** Some states are now requiring that the switch for highbeam headlights be installed as a button on the floor of the car as they used to be. The problem that occasioned this legislation was the large number of accidents being caused by blondes trying to turn on their brights and getting their foot stuck in the steering wheel.

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