GodCo

Orlando, Fla.- Much talked about website GodCo, described by co-founders as "The Day to End All Days... of Tedious Shopping", has come under fire recently in Washington. Opening remarks were made today in the landmark anti-trust suit headed by Attorney General Janet Reno. The Justice Department claims GodCo monopolizes the biblical merchandise industry and uses its vast resources to limit competition.

"I could understand if they were some lousy Jew kids or maybe those unGodly Buddhists, but these are average height caucasian Americans we're talking about." Said Reno, who questions the character of the GodCo executives.

"So what if I lure children to my gingerbread house! Does that mean I'm a bad person? Of course not. Janet Reno has no argument against us." Co-founder Elliott DiGuiseppi said in a prepared statement yesterday. He and fellow executive Josh Davis (both acting as their own lawyers) face an uphill battle.

"I'd like to report you to the case on Ally McBeal last night, where Ling and Ally handled a case similar to this one, in which a man exposed himself in public to mall Santas and security guard. That was great," Josh was heard to say in his opening statement.

Questioning was also handled a little differently, with each executive of GodCo asking himself, withdrawing questions, and making accusations of badgery. They were then cross-examined by their partners, and finally by the opposing team.

"Hypothetically speaking, if I did kill a few homeless children, who would know? Certainly not me, and I don't think you would know either. Unless you were watching me. Have you been watching me? Hypothetically, of course," Elliott argued, as he interrogated himself.

"We feel good, real good. The kind of good you feel when you're winning an anti-trust suit... or when you eat a popsicle. Yep, it's that good. I like popsicles" Josh replied when questioned by the press about he and Elliott felt about their chances. Co-founder Elliott shared a similar degree of confidence: "Yep, we've got it all wrapped up. Plenty of witnesses... like uh, Mr. Goodbar and the Good Humor man," Elliott said knowingly while nodding to a popsicle stick. "Oh, and I feel my good buddy God might make an appearance, wink wink."

The Justiced Department was unimpressed

A very unimpressed Janet Reno

When asked by Reno about their tactics of stifling competion, Josh cooly answered by saying,"What does stifling mean? Besides, me and my associate fear nothing and firmly believe God will boil your eyeballs... now"

"We will stop at nothing until the American people are free from the shackles these two individuals have placed upon their legs. Monopolies are illegal, and before I am done GodCo will be disbanded by the American government." Reno said in an exclusive interview with USA Today.

"Yeah, like that's ever happened before." commented Elliott. Reno countered with "What about Microsoft?"

"God dammit... "