Hi again Neil, this is Nancy C. - sit down with a cup of coffee.  I
warned you, this is a place of both healing and hurting.  We have
discussed here about how it is like a hospital, where you have to go in
for a procedure that is going to hurt, but is going to probably save your
life.  It isn't always pretty.  One day I hope I can see you laugh in
person, because my image of you now is that you are a man of sorrows, all
the time.

Now, first of all, I am a person who happens to like high-register
language.  I like succinct word choices, I like nuances, I appreciate a
person's ability to "nail" just the right word for the occasion.  But as
you see, some feel that means condescension or pompousness, and may feel
negatively towards that.  Personally, I don't mind $2 words, and can use
a few $5 ones myself when warranted, and they cost at least that in my
six years of college!  So, like I said, a good conversationalist is
welcomed by me, whatever range of language you choose, but be warned
others feel that way.
(I love Tom P. as a brother, because I trust he would protect me if I
felt threatened, and he cares about the reactions of sisters and doesn't
want us hurt).

Next, you will note that others will react to parts of what you say, and
hey, that is how we learn.  It is true, like Bev said, that we aren't so
close as to not have to spell out the whole thing.  Since your first
letter, I have been praying for you.  Although I didn't understand by
your exact phrasing that you were referring to Stewart, I did suspect so,
but I am not clear on what your whole relationship still may be to the
current Church of Bible Understanding, or what the involvement of your
family may be.  I am just aware that you are in some pain over it, and
feeling that you need God's help.

Next, about Gerrie. Neil, I understand that you love Rob.  From what I
remember, Rob is an awesome guy.  I have heard from his own lips stories
of how he suffered for the faith in Philadelphia years ago at the hands
of the Hari Krishna people who actually physically hurt him when they
turned violent on him.  So I respect what I know of him from the past.
When I initially heard that Gerrie and Rob were divorced, I felt bad for
them.  I grieve whenever I hear of a marriage breaking up.  It is true
that God hates divorce.  For me, it is especially true in the case of
Christians.  So, I do respect that you care deeply about that issue.
Life certainly doesn't seem to be ideal in this fallen world.  I am sorry
for the loss of the "ideal" that we would have all wished for them.

What I have come to see over the years is that God doesn't fit into the
box that Stewart used to try to put Him in.  And Stewart's views on
marriage and his double-standards regarding women in particular (don't
worry, I'm not getting all feminist on you) now in retrospect seem to be
very tied into what was happening with his own personal life behind the
scenes.  His theology and interpretation that we were supposed to accept
as the "one true interpretation" were actually very colored by his
on-going personal struggles (and as we now know, personal failings at
times) regarding his own marriage(s).  And his way of "handling" the
women in his life was basically a negative model for all of us, who as
young people were trying hard to figure out what love is.

In all this, our views of marriage and love and romance and sex got
really confused.  And our abilities to discern what the teachings of the
Bible were on all these subjects also got confused.  And I especially
feel that you brothers were taught horrible things about the nature of
women as if they were Gospel, when they were only "doctrines of Stewart
Traill" that had never crept into Christianity before.  And the harshness
of Stewart towards his first wife, and now, at times toward Gayle - his
aloof treatment and "dealing" with women, his inner desire for them to
practically "worship" him, his inability emotionally to let anyone see
him as a real person, that stuff was all modeled as if it was manhood.
And guess what - we women eventually don't respect it, however much it
impresses at first, we find it hollow in the long run, because we are not
beasts to be controlled, but people who have souls.  And we are wired to
receive affection and to be cherished, not bullied.  It just isn't real
love there in Cobu.  It is like some artificial food that starves you to
death, no matter how much you eat of it.

Now, about Gerrie's remarriage.  I know that you hold a different
viewpoint on that than I do.  I disagree with you that her remarriage
will send her to hell in and of itself, over any other sin that she may
have committed.  (To qualify: I'm not saying it is "sin" specifically.)
To a certain degree it is none of your business, and none of mine.  To
the degree she is a sister in Christ and that you felt you needed to warn
her about sin, I understand your action.  I disagree with it, but I
understand your motivation.  I also disagree with Cobu teaching that it
works one way for a woman and another way for a man.  In this individual
case, my knowledge is limited, and I am not called upon to make the final
judgment of God, and Neil, let yourself off the hook, neither are you.
(Nobody's blood is going to be on your hands if you don't warn them of
every impending danger.  In saying this, I have a certain empathy for you
that you feel that prophetic compunction.  The weight of that
responsibility is very heavy, and somewhere down inside I think that must
come from a form of love for others that has been compressed and
conformed into the confines of Cobu until it hurts.)

So, please Neil, continue to share with us.  We are all going through
this process together, and I thank God for others who can go through this
with me.  I have gained a lot from being on this List, and it has given
me a lot of food for thought.  If you read Mike's site, you will how my
thoughts have evolved over time about our whole lives in Cobu and about
Stewart himself.  I was at a lecture recently given by an herbalist.  She
said something that fascinated me.  In the plant world, it is like a
natural law that plants that heal grow in close proximity to those that
hurt.  Lots of poisons have antidotes that grow almost alongside them
with the antitoxin inside.  It made me think "like the wheat and the
tares" and how not all of my Cobu experiences were negative.
If you don't mind me telling you this Neil, I suspect you have some of
the healing balm inside yourself, (that many of us here need also), but
it may have to be crushed to be released.  That is a process.  And salves
have to be mixed for their applications.  One of the best ways to mix
healing salve is with honeycomb wax.  Sweetness and softness has a
healing strength to mix with what you have to offer.

Forgive me if I cross a line in offering this advice, but your "wooing"
of your wife and family, and your ability to show them affection -
"lightening up and having fun" with them will draw them back from the
hollow novelty and super seriousness of Cobu.  You need to develop a plan
to do so, because surely you see how Cobu is headed towards apostasy, and
certain heresy.  Your rescue efforts are perhaps best spent at home.
Besides, boy, what's Stewart got that you ain't got? :>)  Peace to you.