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This was an inquiry from Owen concerning
the effects of the Grace
Meeting, and especially the 1John meeting
concerning sin that
followed. These are great questions and
I hope to say how these
things went with me, and what they are
like for me now.
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Dear Jim
Did
you really believe that you are not born again if you
sin??? How did you handle that?
Do you still think that way? If
not, how long did it take you after you
left to shed the "new
doctrine"? Did you preach it to others?
Did you argue with ex-
members about it? If so, did it seem
strange to you, and how did you
quell your doubts? What were your
thought processes and defenses,
hopes and fears?
My goal is to find a way to break through the current
member's defenses. (If you want I'll
send you a ~transcript of a
conversation I had with Paul S last Sept.)
I just can't imagine
rolling over for that "new doctrine".
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My Response:
What DID I believe? When did I believe
it? It seems like that
should be easy enough to answer, but my
thought have undergone
considerable metamorphosis over the years
since I first heard
the "new doctrine." But as was the case
with many of the larger
issues, Stewart had spent alot of energy
on the build up: For the
Grace Meeting, the brothers had been told
for weeks that on such and
such a date, Jesus was going to set the
brothers free. Those weeks
leading up to that meeting were filled
with emotion and anticipation,
and longing, and joy. SET FREE! No specifics
were given, but there
was a palpable sense that whatever was
coming was enormous. For
myself, my thoughts were on reopening the
centers, brothers free to
lead the church, brothers free to marry,
brothers free from the
spiritual constraints that weighed us down.
There was such promise in
the air. When the meeting opened and it
began to be clear that we
were not free because for 25 years we were
taught an erroneous
gospel, absent of Grace, I quietly praised
God. Now things would be
set aright and the church would truly reform.
I bought the Grace
Meeting hook, line, and sinker. I was more
thankful than I had ever
been. I heard the voices of dissent, among
them John Doherty, and
thought- how sad that they will miss this
opportunity to start over
as a church, and as Christians, just as
Stewart had to. I do remember
thinking it inappropriate that Stewart,
in the brothers meeting
session that followed, dictated the terms
of our forgiveness of him.
There were louder voices of dissent at
that meeting, and for the
first time, a brother actually asked what
he meant, when in previous
weeks he said that he had sinned against
Gayle. I had heard murmured
rumors about some of the sisters in Princeton,
and the way Noel
always looked at him, but I put this out
of mind as the testimony of
scorned woman. Hell hath no fury as a woman
scorned. I was elated
with ringing of freedom, and the chance
to start over as a church.
For the next several
weeks- every week it seemed, there was
another bombshell revelation about the
error in the teaching that
produced the fearful, timid, shamed brothers
and sisters that we
were. Then came the big one: the 1John
Bible Study. There was alot in
that study, but at the end it was not the
depth of it that impressed
me, but the simplicity: Christians don't
sin. Christians can't sin.
If you sin, you must not be a Christian.
There is no such thing
as "getting saved" only "being saved" or
"saved." I had not been born
anew 13 years before in the living room
of the Johnson City
fellowship. I struggled like the others
to make sense of this
concept. But after a few weeks, it seemed
like the whole Bible spoke
from this view. I started seeing it everywhere.
With all this
correction, there should have been ample
cause for celebration, but I
was still awaiting the promised freedom,
and instead what I received
was chilling evidence, that despite my
"feelings" for Christ,
regardless of my love and devotion, I DID
sin. I was suddenly
unsaved. Instead of freedom, I began to
struggle with the weight of
my future in Hell, and my powerlessness
to get myself rescued. For
the next 5 years, I spent my time and effort
trying to confirm that I
was one of God's elect, where before I
had assumed it and acted
accordingly. I tried to live a sinless
life. Every effort was matched
with futility and hopeless despair. Every
small transgression was
further evidence that despite my prayers,
and my desires, I was
living outside the state of Grace. I was
growing truly despondent.
When the "Big Picture" finally was revealed
in the "U", I could only
see myself at the bottom. I would try to
cheer myself up with verses
like "while we were yet sinners, Christ
died for us."
The fact is that I succumbed
to this teaching aggressively. And
it produced in my spirit aggressive results:
Hopelessness, despair,
without "confidence for the Day of Judgment."
It took the better part of 8-10 years to
work through that damage.
For a time I would stay drunk with the
only others on the planet who
understood me; other hopeless ex-members.
We fellowshipped over Vodka
about our mutual destruction with Levity.
Vodka and Levity for the
pain. There was some still voice deep in
my spirit that could not
completely be given over to this doctrine.
I could rebel, but little
else. Perhaps all that was the only defense
left for my spirit, I do
not know. I do know that I did not resolve
my doubts about this
teaching through its examination. I resolved
it by examining other
things. I examined Love. OK. Even if Stewart
was right, is he loving?
Is he kind? If he is not loving, does it
matter what he teaches? Can
you be correct and yet not be right? How
unfair to speak so much of
sin and death and avoid God's Love! LOVE!
Other evidence came to
light. How could a good shepherd have so
many destroyed sheep? The
heaps of ruined lives surely stinks all
the way up to the Heavens. I
notice now, that there was never any "Love
Meeting" Nor was there
ever a "Hope Meeting"
In hindsight, my simplest
explanation for how I came through this
doctrine is by avoiding it. I grew to where
I was looking at the
behavior not the teaching, and I found
my answers there. And then, a
watershed of new understanding about Stewart
and his behavior. His
tease. His controlling. His always knowing
better- even in his error,
we were the ones that were not sharp enough.
I think it was Joseph
Goebels, the founder of the Propoganda
machine of the Nazis who
said "the best lie is 90% truth." When
I look at Jesus, I see kind,
loving, caring, truthful. When I look at
Stewart I see Joseph Goebels.
>>
Hi Jim, what you wrote, in the last part of your
post, reminds me of Jesus's
warning, concerning the leaven of the Pharisees,
MATT 16:12. It certainly
explains the principle.
Herm